Thursday, January 24, 2008

My Daughter’s Imaginary Friend: An Unauthorized Biography

Somebody came home with my daughter the other day after a play date…

Meet Captain Hippo

And now she's been talking about him all week. So much that I've decided to write his biography. Unauthorized of course, because from what I'm told he doesn't want to talk to me.

Captain Hippo: An Unauthorized Biography

Captain Hippo was born to wolves and ninja’s in the jungles of Pottery Barn Kids and then later reared by Nuns with special superhuman powers, such as cooking and pooping on the potty.
He was later discovered by Mickey Mouse and Anthony from the Wiggles and invited to take dance lessons, on my birthday, at Disneyland. That’s where he met Snow White. The comedy group became really good friends and toured the world together on the Doodlebop’s bus to dance with ballerinas. These ballerina’s enjoy smoothies, green beans, and chicken from old McDonald’s, and DO NOT go poo-pee and pee-pee on the potty, ever.

Captain Hippos’ distinct features:
-He’s a girl
-And a Ballerina
-Wears a Pink cape
-Cowboy boots - sparkly pink
-Is a Scientologist and helps people in accidents
-Only wears a hat when it’s not raining
-Is big, but can be tiny to fit in your pocket
-Eat’s grass and on occasion, toes
-Puts his poo-pee in his shoes

He now lives in a small closet in my house. And the shoes in there will be immediately removed.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Hello My Name Is Tony... I Have A Poop Obsessed Child. AND The Monster Is In The Mail

I’m still not sure what caused this fascination. Was it telling my daughter that Santa only brings gifts to toilet users? Maybe it was the time I told her that Elmo cries every time she poops in her pants? Or maybe, just maybe, it began when I told her a pooped filled diaper was like KFC to monsters and it made them visit our house like a drive-thru with junk-mail coupons?

Yes, I think that’s what did it and now everything is poop to her these days.

In the car: Look!! Car making POO-PEE!
Eating ice cream: HA! HA! Dad-DEE….Poo-Pee! POOOO-PEEE!
While in the bathroom: (Knock! Knock!) Dad-DEE…you making POOO-PEE!
Watching TV: Mickey going Poooo-PEE??
At the market: (virtually yelling) Where’s Poo-Peeeee!? Poooo-Pee, where are you?
At the dog: Doggy! You make Poo-Pee??
When eating: Poo-Pee! Poo-Pee! Pooooo-peeeee!

So my question is – with all this talk? Why doesn’t she use the toilet?!

How To Catch A Monster?

Actually, it was pretty easy. When my daughter woke up from her nap I told her I caught it while she was sleeping and then showed her a sealed envelope with a picture tucked inside.
We then took a walk to the mailbox and she dropped it in. Done!

Oh yeah, this is what the monster looked like:
And we sent it to its owner:

And then she asked if the monster had made poo-pee.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Exterminator Wanted! Apparently My House Is Infested With Monsters

Can anybody give me a referral? Because I’ve had this conversation with my daughter about 500 times this past week:

Daughter: DAD-DEE!!!!
Me: Whatup buttercup?
Daughter: Scary Monster…
Me: Where?
Daughter: Over there
Me: Where?
Daughter: Ohhhhhhh--VER THERE!!!

What I shouldn’t have done the first time she said this:
Walk over, poke behind the sofa, said “dear God, what the…!!!” then grab my arm, scream and flip myself over yelling “GO GET MOMMY!! GO GET MOMMY!!! AAHHHHH!!!”

I expect social services to arrive at my door any second now.

Sometimes I forget she’s only 2. It’s easy these days - she can say her ABC’s, count to 20, knows the entire lyrics to “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” and “Hot Dog” (from Mickey Mouse clubhouse.) She’s practically all grown up, except for that pooping on the potty thing. But hey, plenty of adults don't quite get that, right?
The wife doesn’t agree. Now I’m tasked with, as she calls it “ridding the house of monsters that won’t do anymore harm to our daughter that I’ve already produced.”

So I came up with a few ideas on how to get rid of these monsters....

How to get rid of monsters without resorting to expensive exorcisms: Toddler Edition

1. Radioactive Holy Water. Put some water in an old saltshaker and microwave it. Sprinkle around the doors and windows.

2. Wear a Blanket over the head. Everybody knows monsters can’t penetrate blankets. Don’t ask me to explain it; I just know it has something to do with the law of physics and gambling.

3. Monster Trap. Put some M&M’s on a plate with a box over it and stick & rope trigger (ala: Roadrunner) OR leave the TV on with M&M’s in front of it and the monster will get “sucked in.” Make sure Dora or the Doodlebops is on.

Does anybody else have any other ideas on getting rid of monsters? Just in case...