Yes, I know I haven’t posted in awhile. When the kid is recovering the world slows to a crawl; and when some in-law visits while the kid is sick – the world stops (and a giant magnifying glass appears…)
The wife’s sister came out for a visit over the weekend from Georgia-bama (my term used for inhabitants on the border of Georgia and Alabama), which always makes for an interesting time. The majority of in-laws live in rural areas of the Midwest/South. As with any in-law visit, it always seems we’re been examined by everything we do or say so they can go home and tell everybody about it (or worse – blog about it.)
They view us (I should rephrase that - ‘me’) as some kind of circus freak who isn’t like them. I’m not sure exactly why that is after all these years – I breathe and eat chicken from a bucket just like them.
After some reflection I think this stems from the first time I met the wife’s family a long time ago, ‘the men’ were in the TV room and ‘the women’ in the kitchen. With a shove by the pre-mrs, I went to join the herd of men sitting in front of the TV with something called “Foot-ball” on:
Future In-Law #1: (quick glance at me, then eyes on TV) Who’s your team?
Me: My ‘team’? That would definitely have to be the “A” Team… (big smile, ‘thumbs up’)
(TV mysteriously silenced, all eyes on me like I’m Richard Simmons holding a raw hotdog and gripping a sparkler from my butt cheeks)
(TV resumes life, all eyes on TV)
Future In-Law #2: You a “Buck”, ”Eyes” fan?
Me: Buck-eyes? What’s that?
(*gasps* even from the young children in the room -- Really, really uncomfortable LONG silence….)
Future In-Law #1 to #2: (loud whisper) What’s wrong with this guy?
So now anything I do is freaky ‘she-at’, even if I eat a cookie.
When asked what antibiotic my daughter was taking, I said Red-Bull and vodka. And we split it.
I can’t wait to hear what they all think of that!
You are one funny man. The entire post made me laugh because I could picture it all.
ReplyDeleteI hope your daughter is feeling better!
I probably would have just stayed with the women in the kitchen.
ReplyDeleteFreakin' HILARIOUS! When I first moved to Ohio I couldn't believe this fan mania for the "Buck"-"Eye"s. Your conversation sounded something eerily similar to one I had with my sports fanatical brother-in-law when I first moved here, who's of course a real Buck-Eye fan. I still haven't adopted this college football craze.
ReplyDeleteBecause anyone who is different is BAD.
ReplyDeleteI love the Red Bull and vodka comeback. I can never think of anything clever in the moment, it's usually hours later and, what good is it then?
ALL of my family live in GA and AL. But I moved to New England 26 years ago and married someone from California. My relatives look at both of us like we're from another planet.
ReplyDeleteIf the Red Bull/vodka blend works, let me know. I'll be happy to use it on our kids.
You realize they probably think you're "on" something, don't you?
ReplyDeleteOkay, first... They're from Your Anus? Wha?
ReplyDelete(Da dum bum cha!)
Funny stuff, friend!
(Go easy on Georgia or I'll have to bring my awesome banjo skillz to your house.)
The next time someone asks you who your "team" is...just say "The Cornhuskers."
ReplyDeleteI'm loving the image of a sparkler hanging out your buttcheeks.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry, you're not alone. My in-laws still look at me with a combination of annoyance, curiosity and amusement.
I can't understand why, it's not like I pick my nose or anything.
I don't...I just play with my hoop which is attached to my nose.
Personally, I like to blame it ALL on the grandparents. You should try it.
ReplyDeleteThis post got me laughing so hard my son poked his head into the room and asked me if I was OK.
ReplyDeleteI'm from Texas. I got everything you said.
ReplyDeleteWhat's so funny?
I'm telling ya. Sometimes you just can't win for losing. (I just realized I don't get that phrase. Oh well. I'm still going to use it.)
ReplyDeleteI'm originally from L.A. and moved to Arkansas when I was 22 and newly married. I was a freak there for a while, too. People would come up to me and say, "Talk". And apparently I spoke too fast for them. I finally acclimated and then we moved to the Northeast/Mid-Atlantic region. I'm back to being a freak. People come up to me and say "Talk". I never picked up much of a drawl, but sometimes I put it on thick just for entertainment purposes.
I'm trying to remember if anyone ever looked at me like I was Richard Simmons holding a hot dog with a sparkler coming out my butt. FUNNY!!
Ha! I love the A-team joke! Sounds like they didn't get it, though, huh? No Mr. T fans in the house?
ReplyDelete:)
The scene - Dudelet's first trip to toddler football ("soccer" to colonials, I believe). Grizzly graddad type "You a Chelsea man, then?" Me, slack-jawed "Sorry?" Grizzly graddad gestures at dudelet's inherited Ballack German national side shirt. Supermum offers "We really don't know anything about football." Cue strange looks - at me - from every man present. Poor dudelet, though true to his genes, he was trying to stuff his football back into the pram and demanding to leave and visit a cafe for ice cream at the time...
ReplyDeleteHope your daughter's on the mend.
OMG that made me laugh out loud!
ReplyDeleteKids looked at me VERY funny just then. Wierd in-laws. I got em. But MY family is even worse!
Like I always tell my wife, if it's not one thing, it's your mother.
ReplyDeleteRed Bull & Vodka cures viruses and boredome. Nice treatment.
Your post title made me laugh out loud....and then cry out loud.
ReplyDeleteDude! Can you give the Buckeyes some LUV'N!!
ReplyDelete(actually I know you could not really care)
However, the in-laws should have cracked a grin at the Red-Bull and Vodka!!
Ahhh the joys of in-laws.. mine are from louisiana... let's just say "feminist" isn't a word they're familiar with
ReplyDeleteI have a great relationship with my in-laws ... if you consider mutual fear a great relationship.
ReplyDeleteBer na neer na neer na neer na neer...ber na neer na neer na neer na neer...boy gonna make you squeal like a pig!
ReplyDeleteI have a redneck side to my family too. Where mine is a light pink, theirs is more like a bad red-wine stain. Seriously. I have an uncle with a grey grizzled beard half down his chest.
Okay, the A-Team reference cracked me up. Could we please have a picture of you holding a bucket of chicken while balancing a sparkler in the crack of your ass? It may seem like an odd request but I think it would be a real crowd pleaser.
ReplyDeleteMan... I sympathize with you. My in-laws are here as I type (I had to put out some really big hints to get them to take the kids out for a bit of fresh air) and my son is on anti-biotics. When they asked what kind, son answered before I could telling them it is the kind that turns his poop red. I wish I had pulled out the redbull/vodka answer before my son had time to speak.
ReplyDeleteThere's no good reason for me not to love my in-laws, but for some reason they have irritated me ever since husband and I had the kids.
LOL! Loved the Red Bull and Vodka reference. Your inlaws sound like my parents...
ReplyDeleteMy husband is a creative type as well who suffers from a severe case of foot in mouth disease when it comes to any kind of sports talk. I'm so damn lucky!
ReplyDeleteHilarious! Love the title.
ReplyDeleteGracias for the laughs. Richard Simmons, hot dog, anus bedecked with sparkler....
ReplyDeleteHahahahahahaha.
Oh too too funny! I love the A-team response. Me, I'd probably have gone with a gay joke. I bet that goes over well 'round Georgiabama.
ReplyDeleteMaureen - that red poop thing is really weird.
ReplyDeleteMom101 - the weird thing is - the A team joke was a gay joke to them??
InterstellarLass - totally! that banjo music starts playing anytime we've visited. It's creeepy...
Yeah, what's wrong withchouboy! You should have come with a bucket of the Colonel and then you'll be one of them.
ReplyDeleteOoooh...it's like "Meet the Parents/In-laws - Southern Edition"
ReplyDeleteYou should have told a few Deliverance jokes. Nothing like some shared laughter over "Squeal like a pig, boy!" to break the tension.
I agree with Mrs Chicky - pix of the said "Richard Simmons et al" would be a big crowd pleaser! FWIW, Hubbers doesn't "do" sports either. And we like it that way!
ReplyDelete