I just found out that a friend of ours is pregnant by "In Vitro Fertilization" (or IVF). Not only pregnant but with twins.
She’s in her late 30’s and like most women the wife and I work with (the ones nearing 40 or older), most are skipping a dude (or partner), adopting from China or Russia, or getting IVF treatment (which by the way - nasty- I didn’t know they had to inject themselves with drugs!?) oh yeah - and order some sperm (some are online from donor guys around the world – kind of like match.com or eharmony but only for the goods.)
Our friend is smart, has quite a head on her shoulders, put a whole lot of thought into this, and there’s no doubt in my mind that she wouldn’t do the best she could and be a fine parent. But from my own experience, 1 kid is really hard with 2 parents at the helm – I can’t even imagine turning that equation around (that's tough for anyone!) I can’t help but feel nothing but empathy for her. I saw a woman at Target today with twin infant carriers and she looked like she needed a few drinks (or vacation) and she was with a dude throwing beef jerky and batteries in the cart near the checkout (by the way- they know men are impulse shoppers by putting that stuff there – I wish they sold men’s underwear that way.)
Later the wife and I were chatting after meeting this friend for lunch -- who is also a pro-woman with a big fancy J.O.B. who could do fine on her own, etc. I asked if she would have done the same if she never “found me” – she replied with “yeah, I think I would have.” Just because she’s always wanted to be a mom and she couldn't imagine missing out on that life experience. But she is more than thrilled not to have to taken that route.
Me? – No, I would have just bought a Porsche, maybe an Aston Martin, and a few embroidered silk jackets with dragons on them.
Growing up I never really considered being a father (as with the vast majority of my single guys friends now.) Now thinking about it about 12 years ago, I was asked once about the possibility by a lesbian friend who was looking for a guy to have a kid with - that was odd even being asked. But no serious consideration even crossed my mind until I met the wife and my whole outlook on life changed. In the single days, I could never have imagined of being a single guy raising a kid if I never found anyone. I had 3 friends in High School who were raised by their Dads and they were all a mess. Actually one of them went on to do porn (so I’ve heard…) Maybe that’s why I was so jaded?
But who knows, maybe as I grew older my paternal outlook (or need to populate the world with another crazy artist) may have changed.
What about all of you -- moms and dads? If you had never met your spouse would you have gone solo?
BTW- Vote! (not only vote, but for vote for me!)
I used to work with kids, and I always kind of figured I would be a dad someday...
ReplyDeleteI was also having a lot of fun drinking every night and chasing skirts, so...
All I know is what I know now, and I'm glad I've taken the father route. I doubt I would have taken it alone though.
I'm not sure.
ReplyDeleteWhen I met my husband, kids weren't even on the cards, we were building a life.
Now we have one, and 'reproductive life' is on the wan. I like the first kid, liked the pregnancy, liked the motherhood, want it ten-fold.
So if i'd reached this time later on, with no suitor ???
I was married at 24. Too far out of my realm .... but yeah, dunno, probably maybe dunno, no ?
When I was approaching 30 and still not married, I considered the possibility of "going solo". Then I met my ex, we had our son, and to be totally honest - in many ways I might as well have gone solo from the beginning. We divorced when son was 3, and here I am flying solo, not by my own choice. It is VERY difficult at times, but I would NEVER trade having my wonderful son for anything in the world.
ReplyDeleteBack when I had a career, co-workers did the single-woman sperm donor thing or adopted third world kids. They always seemed to have nanny problems. Married executives who had exec spouses had kids they hardly saw. They just shipped them away to prestigious schools and worked late every night.
ReplyDeleteMy family was ahead of the curve. My parents divorce when I was 3 and my 40-something mom worked. She was too burned out to take decent care of us. It was hard on all of us.
Plus, my mother was essentially raised by nannies. That didn't work well, either.
As a result of generations of burned out semi-parenting, I'm an old school liberal feminist former professional turned money-sucking stay at home mom.
I've got to add that I hugely admire families like yours, where the parents work but have the time, energy and will to actively raise their kids. I know it's incredibly hard. I respect you enormously.
I don't know. I think I would have sucked it up and married someone less than perfect if I was 40 and single just to have a family.
ReplyDeleteIs that the wrong answer? Probably. Would I have done it. Yep. Sometimes I think I wanted kids so bad that the Universe gave me two at once to shut me the hell up.
Not me. I would have had dogs instead if I didn't have a man. And maybe a sports car. Or a gas guzzling monster truck.
ReplyDeleteBut definetly no kids by myself. My sister and my best friend both went that route and I just marvel at how tough it is on both the kids and the moms.
Plus, I never had a high maternal streak. Although, I'd never trade my kids in now, and am actively begging the government for another. But if I was unmarried, no.
And I'll vote for you. But you have to promise to keep your clothes on.
Sigh. (Read my blog.)
I have always wanted to be a Mommy, like some girls who wanted to be a pilot or a reporter.
ReplyDeleteI would have done it solo, but to be honest, it is so much more fun sharing it with someone you love.
yes, probably so.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely would have had a baby even if I never got married. The only thing I ever KNEW I was meant to do was to be a mom. It would have been harder, but so worth it.
ReplyDeleteMy answer would be "no". You know the whole stigma with Asian parents if you're not married...then why are you doing the "dirty deed". AND the thought of having a kid out of wedlock, can you imagine what their friends would say? OH.MY.GOD!
ReplyDeleteSo, I'd buy myself an Aston Martin too if I were still single in my late 40's. But I might just have a blown up doll of Daniel Craig sitting next to me. ;-)
Oh HELL no! I did the single mom thing between marriages one and two. There is NO WAY I would choose that by myself!!
ReplyDeleteI guess.
Prolly if I was nearing 40 (like now, except I'm at 40) and hadn't found "the one"...I would probably consider it. I've always wanted to be a mom.
However, at the present time, having three of my own and three step-kids whom I raise full time...being kidless sounds EXTREMELY appealing. ;-)
No! Never! I would have NEVER been able to manage the whole Mommy thing alone. I am glad I had my kids, and I love them dearly, but I was never the kind of person who had a burning desire to bear offspring. Well, I take that back, IF I was wealthy enough to hire a full time Nanny, as in 24/7, then maybe....
ReplyDeleteI always I knew I was going to be a dad -- but that it would include a parenting partner. My wife was one who didn't expect to be a parent until I came along, but we're both glad we found each other...Particularly me, because she's a damn good mom!
ReplyDeleteIf I hadn't found a partner, I wouldn't have gone solo. I just know I wouldn't have. I'd just get more cats.... ;)
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely not. When my Ex and I were split up and I was 99% responsible and alone, it was tough. Very, very tough. They wear you out and you need that second set of hands to run interference and give you a break. Good luck to her though.
ReplyDeletei wouldn't have started the process alone...be it adoption or what have you....but I would raise my kids now, alone, if something happened and my wife was no longer with us...
ReplyDelete- Jon
- Daddy Detective
- www.daddydetective.com
Daddy D - definitely same here. I can't imagine any sane parent against that.
ReplyDeleteHaley-O - cat, kids - same thing, right?
wayabetty - a blow up doll and a bucket of chicken I imagine...
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah - That is interesting. I wonder if that's common...
It's so much work with two of us, I doubt I would have gone it alone. In fact, it probably wouldn't have crossed my mind.
ReplyDeleteMore power to those that do, though.
I always wanted to have kids, alot of them in fact. But as you stated, it's hard work. Three is more than the Husband and I can handle on good days. I don't know how anyone can do it on their own, it takes alot of work. I don't know what I would do if I was a single mom, probably just have one kid!
ReplyDeleteI probably would have gone without kids if I hadn't met my husband. I was married once before and with that guy I had no desire to have a baby. Probably should have been a tip-off that I shouldn't have married him, eh?
ReplyDeleteMrs. Joe & I can barely handle ours together, nevermind alone.
ReplyDeleteI think I probably would have gone ahead and done it without a man if I hadn't found one to do it with... but that's because I didn't know then how damn hard it is to bring up kids, even with 2 adults working on it.
ReplyDeleteNow with 2 children, I think it'd be better to have 3 or 4 parents rather than just the 2... which I guess is what people used to have when the extended family lived close by.
Our three sets of grandparents are all too busy living their own lives to act as short notice child-minders.
The Citizen had to talk me into wanting kids. I really had no aching desire!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I feel sorry for those kids whose mothers decide to have them w/o a father raising them. The effect of a father is immeasurable, both in boys and girls. I am so grateful for my father, even though my parents were divorced, my mom stayed in the area we were born in so we could have regular contact with our father. The Citizen is also a wonderful father and an important part of Branch and Blossom's life. I believe this single motherhood by choice is vastly overrated and it is selling kids short on an important aspect of their life.
junebee -- I totally agree. I think a lot of people lie to themselves by downplaying that fact of life.
ReplyDeleteHmmm...I don't know about this one. I'd either have adopted a kid or two, or become a shiftless international lush.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I might have adopted one. I can see how that would be appealing, and I have always loved kids and planned on having one of my own. Not that I think that would be an easy job, but I know it's doable.
ReplyDeleteDoesn't anyone on the internet EVER say that they're just exhausted, and plain old tired of doing the Mommy thing?
ReplyDeleteWhat the hey?
Is everyone G R A T E F U L to be parenting?
Sometimes I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and wish for that darned tornado/hurricane that whisked Dorothy away...
Life is like a box of chocolates you never know what you're going to get. There are plenty of single women and men raising children on their own. Divorces, death and work all play a role, but there are also useless shiftless parents who refuse to be a decent role model for their children. Children are a joy and not a privilege to be reserved for the lucky people who find their soul mate before they reach the end of their reproductive years. Children are a lifelong commitment, and one must be fully prepared for this if making the choice to become a single parent through non-traditional means. I am a single mother and have been from day one. My partner was not ready for a child, nor was I, it was not a perfect situation, but after my baby was born I knew that I could not give him up for adoption. I have never received support nor asked for any. It was difficult, but I have never regretted that decision, and actually have a very comfortable lifestyle. I am also still single, and seriously considering having another child on my own. The first was a "surprise" and I have nothing but joy from that surprise. I am now nearing 40, and while my preference would be to have a child with a partner, I am now running out of time, and men my age are not usually interested in having children or more children. Would the world be less critical if I married a shiftless man who clearly would not be a good father, or tricked a man into having a child against his will?
ReplyDeleteI think the serial dating and higher-professional demands of the past 20 years has contributed greatly to the single, do-it-yourself mom phenomena. After you spend so many years in college actually studying, and you jump into long-term monogamous relationships without truly dating the field to determine what you really want to grow old with, you're child-bearing years are behind you. I considered sperm-donation, but decided to marry the next one that came along no matter what. I have two lovely daughters, but I had to raise them single-handedly anyway due to a divorce. There are a lot of new social issues involved in society's trend towards do-it-yourself motherhood. I don't have the answer.
ReplyDelete