According to the great thinkers of our time (Darwin, Einstein, Hasselhoff...) the vast majority of men in this world are born with some type of innate natural abilities like fixing a stalled truck in the desert with only chewing gum and the belt around his waist, the ability to install drywall or ceiling fans perfectly without ever having been trained, or even the ability to fly.
And then there are those like me who have no such abilities in that department. But that doesn't stop me on occasion from thinking I do.
The wife went to a convention over the weekend, so after putting my daughter to bed for the night I thought I would do some household repairs I’ve been putting off for about 6 years.
My first job was fixing a running toilet (you know because that hiss can waste up to 487.4 millions of gallons of water- in just one day) I spent 2 hours replacing the entire innards of the toilet with a new “low-flow” system. After about 2 hour of swearing to the toilet gods, they finally listened and I somehow was able to put everything back together.
Feeling very proud of my work, I sat back on the bathroom floor, grunted in cave-man talk, flexed my muscles (kissed each bicep) and smashed a beer can on my forehead yelling "GWAR done GOOD!!!"
Yup, feeling pretty good until I turned the water back on and the toilet started hissing again.
“STUPID TOILET!!!” (Followed by much MUCH more than that…)
I turned the toilet off, made an “Out of Order” sign, and watched a movie.
That's my talent. And flying.
ROFL. My husband is not exactly Bob Villa either. It's okay though. I'm sure you have your uses. I know he does. ;?)
ReplyDeleteI try to Get-A-Man-In to avoid the shouting and swearing that turns the air in the house blue if Dad tries to fix things.
ReplyDeleteThe kids have learned to ignore him when he gets like that, and I guess they're old enough to hear worse at school now.
But I still think they shouldn't hear such vocabulary from us.
How funny - I just posted one of my Father of Five Observations about a plumbing reapir that I tackled yesterday. (#4)
ReplyDeleteMy first job (at 16) was working in a local "Coast to Coast" hardware store. It was the best darn job a boy could get, and taught me more than I could possibly imagine.
I'd love to help you - I have talked many people through their "toilet nightmares" (and I dont mean while they are sitting on it either!)
Good Luck CTD!
David.
Oh, yeah... I sure hope you have more than one bathroom! (We currently only have one... I am planning on starting the basement bathroom this winter!
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job on the sign! Not everyone has that innate talent.
ReplyDeleteHaha this is funny! Now all men on earth are going to distance themselves from you, they will say, "no not me, I can fix thing!"
ReplyDeleteYou do have awfully nice hand writing, for a man.
ReplyDeleteLook, don't get discouraged. There are all kinds of men out there. There's the McGyver type, the ones who get regular manicures and pedicures, and then there are the ones who use their minds and not their brawn. You can't be both. You've never heard of any man who is both a great writer/pc guy/whatever it is that you do that makes you creative (oh yeah, blog. lol) and who's great at fixing stuff.
ReplyDeleteThere's a reason why your wife is still with you. I suggest finding out what it is and making sure she can't get enough of it. I think it's your ability to produce KFC at the drop of a hat. Use the force.
Don't worry...once they take your man card, then no one even expects you to fix anything. More time for TV. :)
ReplyDeletehe he he. at least you tried. My husband just calls the professional, even for the easy things. In order to save us from having to take out a second mortgage that leaves ME in charge of fixing most things. So when they make you turn in your man card, they can pass it on to me. ;)
ReplyDeleteso. what are you using to um...pee in?
ReplyDeletecrazymumma -- in the bushes. Just like they did in the old days (back in the 80's)
ReplyDeletepainted maypole -- Maybe you can take my fake mustache and chest hair too?
The Real Mother Hen -- Is it contagious?!
The Father of Five -- Cool! You're like the toilet customer service-guy.
My wife takes care of the major repairs around the house (i.e. toilet noises, switching on & off electrical breakers, changing lightbulbs, etc.). Me? "Did you not take off the casserole dish cover the last 20 minutes so the crust would turn brown like I told ya?"
ReplyDeleteI noticed you got BlogHer ads now. I was also "approached" to do the same. Is someone trying to tell us something? BTW, I got some new shoes. they're awesome and they were on SALE!!!
If I can't fix it with duct tape, it ain't getting fixed.
ReplyDeleteIf I want anything fixed around the house, all I have to do is threaten to do it myself.
ReplyDeleteMy husband refuses to pay anyone to fix things because he is really quite handy, but he just won't unless it's absolutely necessary (our fridge went out recently and he worked on it a la The Christmas Story and the dad with the basement furnace!)
Don't worry about them taking away your man card (unless you start mooning over pink feather boas, then we'll have to re-think that...) At least you TRIED and that's more than some women can say about their husbands!!!
:o)
p.s. my husband happens to be a plumber....
ReplyDeleteMy father always told me, "Do it wrong the first time, you'll never be asked to do it again." Words to live by.
ReplyDeleteJust recently found your blog and it has quickly become one of my favorites!
My hubby fakes it alot, and damned if half the time he doesn't fix stuff my accident!
ReplyDeleteoops, BY accident.
ReplyDeleteWe had a toilet liek that. Iwaited a year for Husband to fix it and then just got fed up and fixed it myself. All it took was a $5 piece and about 5 minutes to install a new flapper piece.
ReplyDeleteI've now learned that if I want something fixed, I should just do it myself.
Now if I can just get him to put the bolt back on the lawnmower blade.....
Whirlwind -- Obviously, you've applied for the man card.
ReplyDelete(I think you deserve your 10% off at hardware stores)
Morrisquads -- That's interesting advice...
Ben & Bennie -- That's cool! I'll tell me wife that. Maybe she has some hidden knowledge about fixing stuff too.
Maybe you could take a page from Absolutely Bananas' husband and chain yourself to the toilet.
ReplyDeleteWhen my hubby gets a wild hair and there's a home improvement project in the works I know two things that will happen for sure... There will be several expensive trips to Lowes (you know for the tools he needs but won't use on the project itself) and there will be cursing. Usually the cursing is more on my end than his. Whether the project gets done is entirely up to chance.
ReplyDeleteI'd consider an "out of order" sign to be the finish of that project. Well done! :-)
Gwar forgot to eat red meat (KFC does NOT count!)
ReplyDeleteThe hellish hiss. We got a BRAND NEW FREAKING TOILET. And it had the hiss.
ReplyDeleteFinally, my FIL took pity on us and fixed it with a screwdriver. Apparently the screw holding on the floater thingy (who went to trade school? NOT me...) was too loose. Or tight, or something.
If I'd known he was going to fix it, I would have watched him and asked questions. Like what the hell the floater thingy is called.
My loss. And no man card in sight.
But you have the most super awesomest sign making abilities ever!
ReplyDeleteI won't tell you that my husband spent the day installing a new hot water heater complete with rewiring some of the house as to switch over from a propane to an electric system, which also required reworking the breakers in the main panel. And it all worked. The first try. He is my man God. But don't tell him I told you... he barely fits his head through the door as it is. Oh wait... I wan't supposed to tell you... But you sign is really cool ;)
I like that:
ReplyDeletewaste up to 487.4 millions of gallons of water- in just one day
Funny as crap.
Jenifer -- I think your husband is the guy who signs the man cards
ReplyDeletedennis -- What chou talkin' bout? KFC is the perfect red meat. The bucket has red on it.
Hey, who taught my hubby to blog?? I swear you're him... he had an "Out of Order" paper towel covering our kitchen sink drain for WEEKS before finally getting off his butt and fixing it....I even blogged about it weeks ago.
ReplyDeleteMaureen -- WOW! Why didn't I think of the paper towel method!?!
ReplyDeleteHe must have been in a different plumbing class that me.
There is a reason why plumbers make so much money!
ReplyDeleteI have a man card! I'm the one who does most of the home improvement stuff around here. Including taking up a toilet, laying tile and re-seating the toilet.
ReplyDeleteOf course, I always do this stuff while the husband is out of town, making him very afraid...
Jenster -- Wow! If you smash beer cans on your forehead too, then I'm afraid.
ReplyDeleteHahahahahah! Loved this.
ReplyDeleteMy husband recently "fixed the toilet" and then I heard a dripping sound and noticed a large crack extending the length of the bathroom along the tile grout. Hmmmm... He's got skillz alright.
ReplyDelete