Hurry! Call Moulder, Oprah, Velma, Inspector Gadget, Antonio Villaraigosa, and maybe even Dr. Spock (you know the one with the elf ears.)I think the incident happened sometime last weekend; I’m not sure exactly when, maybe while I was sleeping , or ordering some popcorn chicken at KFC (darn you KFC! First my chicken changes and then my kid!) My daughter began doing the most peculiar things - things completely out of the ordinary that were unheard of 2 weeks ago.
The weird part is that she still looks the same, my pleasant little baby girl (perhaps a little taller, less baby dimples around the arms and knees...) with that laugh and smile that makes me melt into a big softy. But now, there’s this shift in attitude as if something takes over her brain and turns it into a demanding teenager -- and she’s not even 2 yet! It just doesn’t make any sense... (head in hands)
---Morning---
(Peeking into her room slowly)
Me: Good morning!
Daughter: (happy. confusion. then eyes turn red) I WANT MOMMY! I WANT MOMMMMMY!!!
(wife comes in calmly, picks her up. still for 2 seconds....hisses at me…)
Daughter: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I WANT DADDY! I WANT DADDY!! (dark clouds form in room, fire engages from mouth, stuffed animals burning in hot lava – starts speaking in latin "Necronomcon ex Mortis…")
---Lunch---
Me: Do you want peas?
Daughter: NO!!!!
Me: O.K.
(3-second pause)
Daughter: I WANT PEAS!! (crying, whining) I WANT PEASsss!! (knocking over things, arms flailing all over the place with no place to go - like a Paula Abdul backup dancer.)
---Bedtime---
Me: Time to brush your teeth..!
Daughter: (Jaguar growl, then climbs the wall on all fours to the ceiling, spewing acid at me below - grabbing towels for protection while Lorena Mckennitt music plays in the background…)
It has to be aliens, right? Or possibly some brainwashing by Elmo (I never did like his whiny voice - he's telling kid subliminal messages - I just know it!!)
Fellow parents, when does it end? I want my baby girl back...
