Sunday, May 06, 2007

An Open Letter To The Great Creator Of Chicken In A Bucket - Colonel Sanders



Dear Colonel,

We both may have lived in entirely different generations, but we both share great love of a time among southern accents, white suits, an original recipe of 11 unknown herbs and spices, and above all - the perfection of deep frying in a sweet treat of pure American fat.

Today, for the first time ever, I tried your organizations “new” non-trans fat chicken. To be more specific --Popcorn Chicken (by the way, I love the mini popcorn bucket concept you came up with) and let me just say it doesn't still have that great taste I've grown to love. Actually it taste like nothing. Yes sir, like nothing. In fact, Tofurky carries more flavoring (although I've never actually tried that horrid stuff.)
It may look like chicken and come in a package with your image on it - but it sure doesn’t taste like anything you would have ever approved of.

While eating this blasphemy, I reflected on so many happy moments with your chicken throughout my life. As a small child, my mother coming home late from work smelling like alcohol -- but stopping for a bucket along the way would make things feel better (“Sorry kids, I got another flat tire again…”). Grandma telling me my father was in a car accident – but a stop to the local KFC on the way to the hospital to sneak dad a chicken wing would cheer us all up (“feed it to me son....I can’t move my hands right now...”) In my school-age years, being the new kid on campus (again) bringing a bucket to the 'cool kids’ house for a pool party would instantly produce new friends (“hey chicken guy! Yeah you- you’re totally awesome!”) As a teenager, getting my acceptance letter into art school and celebrating down at the local KFC with the neighborhood goth kids, yelling and jumping on the chairs (“DM 101 Rocks! And so does this chicken!”)
So many memories and now it comes to an end.

When I was done (no finger-lickin' this time) for a moment I saw your image on the box cry. Yes, cry - with tears of blood (or spilled BBQ sauce.)

Just like that “new” Coke experiment, I hope your corporate management sees the error of their ways and brings back the original (maybe you need to haunt the headquarters to shake things up a bit – be sure to use a deep moaning voice and fireworks.)

But until that day comes, I’m going to Popeyes and making new memories.

Your biggest fan,
-Tony

31 comments:

Mrs. Chicken said...

Oh my! The end of a love affair is always so difficult.

Damn those food police!

metro mama said...

Oh no! I was hoping it could taste like the original greasy goodness, and be healthy.

Should have known better.

Lisa said...

Break-ups are always hard. Maybe they'll come around and see things your way once again.

The Real Mother Hen said...

KFC enjoys the best sales on Mother's Day. Dispite you may not like the new taste, I'm sure your mom will be thrilled to share a healthy KFC meal with you on this Mother's Day.

Sarah O. said...

OF COURSE non-trans fat KFC tastes wrong! Fried chicken is only good if it's capable of turning your heart into a hockey puck.

Maybe it's the biscuits talking but I've always liked Popeye's chicken better than KFC.

Rock on, Chicken Man.

Darren said...

I got my bike stolen from outside a KFC when I was about 12. Unfortunately, it doesn't have such happy memories for me.

Mrs. Chicky said...

Damn! And I was just getting a hankering for some Original Recipe with a side of biscuits.

Hey, they didn't change the biscuits too, did they??

karla said...

This whole healthy food kick has gotten out of hand.

Whatever happened to moderation?

Lisa said...

Dear Creative-type dad.

This is my first visit to your site. And I think I love you. (heehee.)

LOVE this post. LOVE it!

Is it ok if I adds ya to mah links list? If its not ok then let me know. Otherwise, I'll assume "no news is good news."

Ben & Bennie said...

Tony,

I'm sorry but it'll never be the same. My grandmother owned the recipe for his graham cracker crust used for pies. That was due to a meeting with the original Colonel back in her day. It has since been passed on to my mother and aunts.

Enter the Federal government and lawyers who now control how we should eat. One obese person that can't control their urge to eat fast food ends the joy for the rest of us.

Like you I love KFC. It was and has been a staple on Sundays for many of us in the South. KFC can't replace my wife's, or my mother's, or my grandmother's fried chicken but you are welcome here any time my friend.

We'll give you Mayberry as best we can.

Above Average Joe said...

We just got a Popeye's here. Haven't tried it yet. Probably for the best.

dennis said...

oh, surely you blasheme!

are you going to give up on an old love for flash and a nice breast??

Tonytonytonytony...you really should turn in your white suit.

LOL

Maureen said...

Oh, I love your blog, but KFC is just wrong:) Don't you know the Colonel is just looking out for you by getting rid of those nasty trans fats?
Seriously, I loved KFC when I was younger, but I've since brainwashed myself to think that tasteless food actually tastes good. I can eat all those soy chicken patties and say, "yummy!" while my husband asks for more water to help him swallow the stuff.

wayabetty said...

Damn! What are they thinking of Tony! I haven't tried the new recipe yet and from your description...not sure if I want to step into the once beloved KFC any more (I'd rather eat cardboard!)

Have to Google for the nearest Popeye's now!!

radioactive girl said...

That new coke was bad, but the realized the error of their ways and went back to original. Hopefully your KFC will do the same!

Redneck Mommy said...

I wept a little when I read this post.

Please KFC gods, fix the chicken. I need the chicken.

junebee said...

When the Citizen was at U. of GA, some of the Chinese students bunked in the dorm of a Christian college (I guess UGA was short on grad student housing at the time). The Chinese grad students used to go to the Bible study groups for the sole reason that buckets o' chicken were provided.

This should severely curb the influx of Chinese students at Bible study groups.

creative-type dad said...

Ben & Bennie - WOW! A meeting with the colonel himself. I'm not even worthy of reading those words...

junebee - That is funny! I guess I must have some Chinese in me somewhere.

wayabetty - I'm curious to see your reaction (fellow 'friend of chicken') on the new stuff.

Lisa - I think I love that picture! Too funny

Mrs. Chicky - I don't know if they changed the biscuits, and I don't know if I want to go find out. Who knows how many more memories they'll take away....

Darren - I had my bike stolen outside a 7-11 when buying a Slurpee with my cousin. I even saw the evil dudes throw it in their truck and take off.
I don't hate 7-11 though, I hate Ford pickups!!

Kate said...

Oh no! It's horrible to see such a long relationship end. He's really been a savior for you all these years! Hope you will find newfound goodness in your bucket of Popeyes.

L.A. Daddy said...

Hmm. I saw those commercials for the new recipe, but I thought it was an "option" and not a replacement.

You mean the Original Death in a Bucket is gone?! Oy.

moe "simon metz" berg said...

in the end, the ones we love always hurt us the most.

Stephanie said...

Aw, Man!! Now I'm hungry. For the original, of course.

furiousBall said...

It truly is sad that we have become so completely immobilized to exert any will power to oh say I don't know maybe not eat fatty foods every sitting and exercise that we have to basically outlaw deliciousness.

There will soon be prozac misters in our cubes, if there aren't already. We will all eat paste and bow to America's Funniest Home Videos.

Denver Dad said...

"DM101 rocks!" Hehehe... classic!

Jen Magnuson said...

Oh the Coke debaucle...almost made me switch to Tab.

Just read your post on Dangerous Things For Boys -- not teaching my son to read, ever.

Dorky Dad said...

This is depressing. They should not mess with the chicken. Not KFC. I won't believe it. In fact, I'm just going to conclude that this is all a fabrication and that, in fact, you work for Popeyes. Yes. That's it.

Kila said...

I'm not interestd in non-trans fat chicken, I want it to taste like KFC chicken! If I want non-trans fat food, I'll graze in the garden.

I hope they come to their senses soon.

creative-type dad said...

Kila - Amen sista!

Dorky Dad - No Popeyes for you!

Jen Magnuson - Reading is overrated anyway. Teach him how to repair cars instead, he'll make millions by 15.

furiousBall - That day is coming. I think a Tang-like substance will be injected into people like cattle at birth. But at least we'll all have glowing eyes and will probably rely less on coal energy.

Ruth Dynamite said...

Parting is such sweet sadness, my beloved popcorn chicken...

I'm sorry for your, er, loss.

Petite Mom Blogger said...

And here I was thinking I could get some KFC without all the guilt and artery clogging goodness :)

Anonymous said...

Dude, I hope you make it.

Ryan