No, You Can’t Have a Boyfriend in Preschool!

I knew something was strange when I picked up my daughter from school and as she was giggling hysterically. When I smiled and asked what was so funny - thinking I would get an answer like some silly picture she drew or maybe some game she had been playing - I didn’t expect to hear this:

Daughter: “Guess who I’m thinking of?”

Who? Ariel? Mommy? Daddy? …Lionel Richie?

Daughter: “MARCUS” (followed by her giggles and those of 3 friends)

“Marcus?” And they were all looking at the new boy in the corner of the room playing with Thomas trains COMPLETELY unaware of the groupies not far away.

Daughter: “He can BREAKDANCE!”

Friend #1: “Yeah! And we all like him like the way Gabrielle likes Troy!” (group giggles)

Whatchu-talkin’bout?!

Does anybody know of a cave I can live in with my family for about 18 years or so? Preferably one with no TV and no other preschoolers with parents that allowed them to watch High School Musical, iCarly, Hannah Montana, The Hills and maybe Twilight.

I just can't get over how kids this young watch these shows. They're watching things they don't understand and shouldn't be exposed to for at least another 25-30 years.

On the drive home my daughter and I had a long conversation about boys and how they should be considered yucky at her age, and about giving me a heart-attack before I turn 40; About having friends, staying a kid, and about how she isn’t allowed to date until she’s married.
You know, typical conversation material one usually has with a 4-year old.

I think she understood. But to be sure, I made her a coloring page just to reiterate my message:

"You can't date until you're married" coloring page

Once she's colored it, I'm hanging it on her cubby at school just as a reminder.

How To Answer The Question “Where Do Babies Come From?

Apparently my explanation to my 4-year old daughter a few weeks ago didn’t resonate completely with her:

“My seed, otherwise know as ‘sperma’ or haploid with 23 chromosomes, and mommy’s egg, also with 23 chromosomes met in the mommy’s womb and formed a diploid cell and after it fertilized a zygote was formed, which is basically a baby, and now you’ll be a big sister in a few months. Now go clean your room, brush your teeth, be nice to mommy, and don’t forget to wash your hands after using the bathroom. I love you.”

Today my daughter told my wife how her baby brother got into her belly:

“You ate a baby seed and now you need to eat healthy food like pizza and blueberries to feed it.”

And then she went onto explain –

“Joe’s mommy’s both have veh-hina’s and was born from both of them at Target.”

And then continued with—

“Can we go see the Chipmunks Squeakquel again?”

To which I jumped in and answered –

“No!!”
One time was more than enough. I still can’t believe how bad that movie was…

Have your kids ever asked you the “Where do babies come from” question? If so, how did you answer?

2010 Will Be Better!

December is finally over.

In 4 short weeks we’ve been through my wife’s graduation, a week at Disney World, a long in-law visit, our car (2005 MINI cooper) engine dying out of nowhere, 2 more family members losing their homes, and then sudden passing of one of my oldest and closest friends’ grandmother.

It’s been a very tough month.

Thankfully 2009 ended on something to be cheerful about, we had our first ultrasound last week and we’re having a BOY! Everything seems to be there, in working order and he’s growing just fine and is on target for spring. We couldn’t be more thrilled to have a girl and a boy. Although it would have been a little nice to have a boy first when we were younger to catch up to him, but hey I’m not complaining.
Ultrasound visits are always surreal. There’s just no way to even explain that ecstatic feeling of seeing your baby for the first time - even though he’s in black and white and looks like on some 1950’s submarine radar screen – just getting that glimpse is amazing. And then they switch to that 4D mode and then you’d swear that you’re living in the future (like in 2001), seeing things so clearly that we could count his fingers and toes.

On the way home with our daughter in the back talking about all of things she’s going to share with her baby brother and how nice she’s going to be to him forever (yes, I should have recorded it) the wife and I talked about how it’s been nearly 5 years since we went through all of this new baby stuff and how much we’ve forgotten in that short amount of time. Just the thought of diapers, night feedings, taking the stroller everywhere, getting kicked in the groin by the Baby Bjorn rider, diaper bag being dragged all over the place, and my ultimate fear: potty training – that alone just scares me all over again.

But then again this time around I have real world experience with child #1. I have my parenting skills down unlike before where everything was by trial and error. Lots of errors but trying my best and I think she's turning out just fine.

And unlike child #1, this will work on #2…

"Every time you poop in your pants, Elmo cries.
Don't make Elmo Cry!"

Explaining Christmas to One Confused Kid

We’re back from Disney World! Thankfully we left just before the place started getting really crowded.

The trip went great, plenty of sunshine, hardly any rain, and was an overall success. My wife and I were concerned about experiencing some major breakdowns since our daughter went without a nap for well over a week. But thankfully no major incidents except for one very odd thing that happened, which I’ll write about at some other time.

One big thing we do every year there is attend something called the Candlelight Procession at Ecpot. Which is rather nice show of tradition Christmas music with local youth and church choirs from around Florida and some celebrity narrator. Our celebrity was Whoopi Goldberg.
When Whoopi was talking my daughter somehow figured out that the baby everybody was talking about was the same Jesus that's dead and bleeding on the cross. During the performance she yelled at the wife and I, “Oh no! They killed the baby!!”
It seems like since we’ve been back I'll I've been doing is answering questions about why they killed the baby.
In addition to that, thanks to her preschools downplaying of Christmas and up playing of other holidays she’s been asking us where’s our Menorah candles at home and who are we celebrating Kwanza with.
For the record we don’t celebrate Hanukkah but have lots of Jewish friends and co-workers that do, and don’t even know of anybody that celebrates Kwanza.
That didn’t stop her from explaining the seven principles to others and singing to them a few Kwanza songs.

I had no idea they has songs now. Most of them sound remarkably close to Christmas songs.

I’m just waiting until Festivus gets so mainstream that they end up teaching that in preschool as well. I’m sure preschoolers would enjoy the “Airing of Grievances” (“I hate it every time you play with MY toys!”) and the “Feats of Strength” wrestling the head teacher to the classroom floor on the circle time mat.

Anyway, whatever you celebrate: Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Umoja Kwanza, Another Festivus Miracle, or Happy Birthday.

Things Never To Ask a 4-year-old And Other Exciting Stuff

I can’t even describe how busy we’ve been the past few weeks…

After 3-years of demanding and difficult work, my wife finally graduated from Pepperdine University with her MBA last weekend. I for one couldn’t be more proud of her. Working full-time, going to school, papers, group projects, and having a family wasn’t easy.
When she began our daughter was only 18 months old and at the time we thought it wouldn’t be too straining on our daughter and marriage when in fact, at times, it was downright stressful. But thankfully we all survived and she did it. We’re celebrating the occasion by going to Disney World all next week.
My advice for any spouse thinking of going back to school with little ones is to make sure you don’t overdo it and make time for your family. Take advantage of those breaks between semesters and plan on some time during the week too.

Last week in preparation for the graduation we asked our daughter what she was going to wear to the festivities. She announced that she would be attending the grand ceremony dressed as Cinderella.
That was interesting…

I Am On Facebook…Kind Of.

Thank you all for the invitations but regrettably I am not on Facebook under Creative-Type Dad. I wrote a post a few weeks ago about my dislike of “friending” people and all of the spam that comes with it about people doing stupid things like going to the bathroom, eating, walking to the car, and left the city life for farming. It all drove me insane!

That doesn’t mean that I’m not on it though. I am, but as an 80-year old bee farmer from Norway named Gjertson B Gjertson.
You can search and read about me but I am not accepting any friends. My wall is viewable to everyone and posts of my achievements in mindless Facebook games like Uno and Pet Society, as are my fandom of bacon and petitioning to get KFC to deliver popcorn chicken to my house.
On occasion, I sometimes post nonsense about Norwegian royal’s, news, or my interpretation of bee farming.
It’s all very touching.

And Speaking Of News…

My wife is pregnant with our second child! I can’t even begin to say how much I’ve wanted to spill the beans about this - I’m the worse person to hold a secret. But my wife wanted to wait until people started to think she was getting fat. The baby is due next May, which seems forever right now, but as with our first I'm sure the time will go by much too fast.
We find out what the sex is just after Christmas but that hasn’t stopped my daughter from coming up with names for the baby.

Some “name” suggestions:
-Peanut Butter
-Pickles
-Princess Ariel
-SaunaNana
-Bunny Rabbit
-Super Shiny Baby
-Lightening Bubblegum
-Rainbow
-Blue Waterfall
-Piggy Petunia
-Henry

In the car yesterday she asked me how the baby got into mommy's tummy.
The next few weeks, and months, should be really interesting...

Distinguished Guest Speaker Series – Preschool Edition

I’ve been doing speaking engagements at schools, on occasion, for about 10 years now talking primarily about what I do at my day job.
The art portion, not blogging (nobody wants to hear about that.)

Over the years I’ve had my share of audiences. Generally speaking, Elementary school aged kids are by far the best to present to. You show them some cool art, do a little talking while waving the arms around, tell a few jokes here and there, and 9 out of 10 times they give you a standing ovation like you’re Johnny Depp, or Chewbacca, tossing candy bars and live Ewoks into the audience.
Junior High kids? I don’t know what their deal is. They look all zoned out most of the time. Maybe they can’t wait to get their cell phones back to text the kid they’re sitting next to about “Twilight”, or they’re all on crack from watching too much “Twilight.” I’m not sure.
High school kids are oddly a mixture of the two described above, but they ask stupid questions if you let them like “what kind of car do you drive?”

To which I always answer “A really nice El Camino that can get me to the nearest KFC.”

So imagine my interest when the ‘head governess’ of my daughter’s school asked me if I wanted to speak to the entire Pre-K program? I couldn’t wait.
Now if you know 4-5 year olds then you know they have the attention span of a fly particularly when they’re in groups and have to sit quietly while watching somebody speak and especially if you’re not holding up a book and asking them to tell a Pigeon “NO!”
Or if you’re not a Transformer, Ninja, or Princess.

I dashed through the art, waved my hands around, made some silly jokes, and then asked if anybody had any questions about what I do or what they had just seen.

About 40 kids raised their hands at once.

Some of the “questions” (names changed to protect identities but to describe the kid):

Fancy Nancy – My neighbor’s dog, he bites on his leg EVERY MORNING…and my mom makes pancakes for me! (insert big smile)
Dora – If a bee bites somebody, they can DIE. (insert big smile)
Diego – When I was little, I sawed this show on TV and this robot ate a monkey and then my grandpa buyed me and my sister McDonalds and then...(confused look staring at the ground)
Smurfette – Unicorns and Ponies aren’t really real. (serious look)
Ni Hao, Kai-Lan – There’s a tiny mouse on the computer that shakes his booty like this. (gets up and shakes her bottom. All kids laugh)
Handy Manny – I can whistle. (starts to whistle while spraying/spitting on the kids around him)
Princess Sunshine Sparkles Fairy Ballerina Mermaid (aka, my daughter) – Daddy, can I go home early? (serious look)

I said yes and then we drove in the El Camino to the nearest KFC.

Well not really. I don’t own an El Camino.

What It Feels Like Just Before Your Legs Fall Off

I did something last weekend that I never imagined I’d ever do – I ran in a marathon. AND it was today that I was finally able walk like a normal person.

Just to be clear, it wasn’t the full 2,667 miles those robots that look like humans run that I met from far off places like Japan, Norway, and Fontana. Nope, it was the beginner’s course. The one just a few notches above the kid’s run to the ice cream cart.

I’ve been preparing for this since the summer with some encouragement by one of my gym instructors. I have to admit when he first brought up the suggestion I had to contemplate the idea for a few days as the thought of running ‘just for the fun of it’ was completely foreign to me.
Call me a traditionalist but since birth I’ve always been a strong believer in running only when it’s absolutely necessary. Like running away from a hungry Cheetah in tall tundra or escaped hungry Velociraptor dinosaur on a forbidden island. Or maybe running alongside an exploding wharf and jumping onto a moving speedboat like Don Johnson.

In the end I joined the ranks of people that run just for the heck of it. They wake up really early when regular folk are still rightfully sleeping, cinch up that iPod and run to the beat of some bad 4-hour long techno song rendition. I chose to leave the 90’s techno in the graveyard where it belongs and replaced it with much more appropriate 1980’s Def Leppard musical selections.

There’s just nothing like running to “Rocket” just before the sun comes up.

Nothing at all.

When I passed that finish line and the realization that I can run for long amounts of time without dying, I immediately realized that with some more training and a few more halves I probably could one-day graduate to a full marathon.
Why not? That guy that was 4 seconds in front of me was 69-years old!
Heck, maybe one day I'll Forrest Gump it and run to Disney World from Hawaii. I’ve already signed up for the L.A. marathon in March – that’s a start.

It now seems a little funny to me that there were times when I thought to myself “what did I just sign myself up for” while running for what felt like hours just before I passed a 1 mile mark. But hey, I got over and finished it anyways.
And I take back all those things I said after passing that finish line (“I’ll never do that EVER again…” “I can’t feel my legs”, “I think my lungs fell out at mile marker 3...”) It’s all ancient history now.

Who knows, maybe one day, I’ll even travel way out to Fontana just to outrun a Cheetah.

Why I Hate Facebook

Call it peer pressure, sheer curiosity, interest in the latest internet fad, or just wanting to stop those annoying emails of people wanting me to join Facebook; I finally bit the bullet and joined with my real name.

And then yesterday I determined that I’ve had enough and terminated my account.

I quickly came to the conclusion that I really don’t want an “update” when somebody is tired, tried a new food, hates their boss, met up with friends, hungry, kid has diarrhea, or when the dog just threw-up again. I don’t want to know everything they’re a fan of or when they just used crop fertilizer – it all just get annoying.
And there are just some things people say/update/post about that I REALLY don’t want to know about.

Besides I really don’t like the fact that it’s become an excuse to not email or pick up a phone and call real friends because posting on Facebook is suppose to be the same thing. I don’t find it the same. Call me old-school but I would much rather see my friends in person once in awhile, email, or even talk to them on this archaic device called a phone.
And texting really doesn’t count. I still don’t understand the whole dictionary of acronyms lingo. Although, I am a big fan of OMG and WTF.
Most of the time I find myself using an online texting dictionary trying to figure out what those stupid things mean anyway. I feel like freakin’ Indiana Jones in the Temple of Doom.

Why can’t kids (and adults) use normal words, even with their phones have regular keyboards?! WTF people! Use words!!

I find it extremely annoying that technology has made people more impersonal and text in hieroglyphics to communicate with each other even when they’re in the same room.

In 100 years from now human mouths will evolve to just eat (stuff like delicious KFC) and not speak - all thanks to Facebook.

More CREATIVE and FREE Pumpkin Stencils!

It's pumpkin carving season and what would Halloween by without a Lionel Richie, Colonel Sanders, or Gary Coleman Jack-O-Lantern? Pretty boring.

This year was a tough one for my annual stencil making. My daughter was requesting a Princess and the Frog stencil - thanks to the commercials and billboards all around town for the upcoming movie. Oddly enough they don't make any pumpkin stencils for the new Princess so I created one for her.

An oldie I've always wanted to try was Linus waiting for the Great Pumpkin. Now after creating it, I don't know if it'll live up to the neighbors expectations. They really liked the Lionel pumpkin last year and the Colonel Sanders one the year before that.
I have considered making the Colonel one again and improving upon it by putting real KFC fried chicken in it.
I'm still thinking about that one. It may be something I put together for a Halloween party.

Or I may just carve up the Balloon Boy. Although now looking at it, I may have to add his Dad getting arrested while he floats away...

Here are this year's stencils (click to download)

"Balloon Boy" Pumpkin Stencil

"Linus and the Great Pumpkin" Pumpkin Stencil

"Princess and the Frog" Pumpkin Stencil

"Evil Queen" Pumpkin Stencil

Prior year's Pumpkin Stencils can be found here:
Jack Skellington, Lionel Richie, Gary Coleman, Colonel Sanders, Chewbacca, Mud Flap Truck Girl, Fairy, Ninja, Doodlebop.

A big thanks to all of those who have emailed me directly with pictures of their pumpkins using my stencils. Even though I can't respond to all emails, I do appreciate you taking the time do to so and really enjoy seeing the pictures.

What To Do When There Are Monsters Attacking The House…

I’m not telling, I’m asking.

According to my 4-year old monsters keep attacking our house every night and according to her the only way to keep them away is to stay up late, sleep in our bed, eat Root Beer floats, and watch cartoons.

I think she’s lying because I do most of that already.
Well maybe not all of that. Just replace cartoons with ‘Glee’ and the ‘new’ Melrose Place (don’t judge me.)

Oddly enough this is the first time we’ve ever has to deal with nightmares. My daughter has never had any up to this point before, even, after that one incident we had awhile back with monsters behind our sofa. Or that incident with the Potty Training when I told her monsters ate poop in diapers and that’s why she needed to use the toilet.

Or that one time we watch some of Pirates of the Caribbean together.

Or that time we took her to a Tom Jones concert.

Or that time we watched Rambo. But she wasn’t really paying attention anyway because we were too busy playing Blackjack.

I just don’t get it?

So like the practiced and skilled father that I am, I stepped back from the situation and did some well-researched, logical, scientific studies on just what are the primary causes of children’s nightmares.

What Causes Children to Have Nightmares:

1. Mom and Dad NOT locking the door
2. Kevin Costner babysitting puppies
   
3. Major events like starting a new school, divorce, death in the family, or new sibling
4. Mom and Dad NOT locking the door
5. Recent firing of Walt Disney Studios president Dick Cook
6. The entire state of California on FIRE all the time
7. Mom and Dad NOT locking the door
8. Zombies attacking Orlando, Florida while on vacation there
9. Lady Gaga
10. Typhoons, earthquakes, mudslides, floods, and train derailments
11. The Halloween display at Target
12. Mom and Dad NOT locking the door

So now that I know the causes, I came up with some quick solutions…


How to Get Rid of Children’s Nightmares:

1. Mom and Dad taking the time to LOCK the door
2. The horn of a unicorn and crystal necklace
3. Spraying the room with monster repellant (plain water)
4. Leaving an uneaten box of KFC popcorn chicken downstairs before going to bed
5. Child signing affidavit that they won’t whine or cry when getting ready in the morning until age 18
6. Stranding Kevin Costner on an island with no movie camera, electricity, and friends

Any other suggestions?