Something Special for Mother's Day

Apparently my original plan of flowers, some crafty coloring pages made by the kids, and brunch at the local KFC followed by a trip to see "The Avengers" isn't going to cut it.

My wife has been dropping not-so-subtle hints over the last few weeks talking a lot about my iPad and how she "needs" one. And how much easier it would be to not have to turn on a laptop to search on important topics like "what's Lionel Richie up to on Twitter."
 
She even forwarded me a marketing email from Apple last week saying something like, "Forward this to your husband so he knows you want an iPad for Mother's Day" with a picture of a mother and daughter hugging and laughing.

I personally think they're happy because they just went to see "The Avengers" and had a meal at KFC.

Oh well...

As for the card, I'm going with the classic I made a few years ago--

Happy Mother's Day!

Another Drop in the Bucket List

Do you have a bucket list? I do. And one of the many items on my list was riding a mechanical bull, preferably somewhere in Texas.

My first attempt at this dream was about 9 years ago in San Antonio while the wife and I were visiting some good friends out there. But unfortunately things didn’t quite end up as expected as we both came down with some really bad food poisoning from a Tex-Mex restaurant.
Although, all was not lost as I was able to visit the Alamo and ask a friendly guide where the basement was (another check off that bucket list.) That was also the day I saw a transvestite with a cowboy hat, big blonde wig, and really hairy legs help open the bathroom door for my sick wife (not on the bucket list.)

He/she was really considerate despite the bad choices in western wear.

For my birthday this year, my (amazing) wife surprised me by taking me to a place called “Big Bubba’s Bad BBQ” in Paso Robles, CA. and wouldn’t you know it – they’ve got a mechanical bull! A REAL one, not one of those fake ones found at the 20-something hipster bars out here in West Hollywood or Universal CityWalk.

Some facts I’ve discovered about mechanical bull riding many may not be aware of:

1. Minimum age to ride is 6-years old. Yes, “6”. No, I’m not joking. I asked my daughter if she wanted to try and she replied, “Hells No!” Well, not really. She just cried and ran away.
2. They make you sign a waver saying that if you get sent to the hospital or die, it’s your fault because riding a bull, real or fake, is really dangerous and should NEVER be attempted by humans, ever.
3. You get quite an AB workout. Seriously, after my 8 second ride, my abs felt like they were totally ripped. Until I actually checked them and discovered they weren’t.
4. Mechanical bull riding looks much EASIER on T.V. I think actors do it in slow motion and then they speed up the film.
5. Nobody can hear you scream in space or when you’re riding a mechanical bull. I’m totally convinced of that because they didn’t turn it off when I screamed “STOP” multiple times like a little girl just before I was thrown off onto a padded floor that smelled like beer and BBQ sauce. I actually got up and had BBQ sauce in my mouth.

My wife took a video of the whole incident on her iPhone. She was laughing the entire time until the moment I flew off, then yelled, “Oh my God! Please don’t be dead!!”

Obviously she was aware of the waiver form.

Random Thoughts at the End of March

It’s surprising to me how quickly the year is moving along, especially given all of the things happening around my end of the world these past few months.

My son is nearly two now and my daughter is already planning which summer (day) camp she wants to attend after she finishes 2nd grade. I still can’t believe she’ll be in 3rd grade next year and I don’t understand how she got so tall all of a sudden!

Work has been an unbelievable amount of stress lately; definitely the most I’ve ever encountered my entire life. I now oversee a business segment and manage a group of over 30, and that number may grow given my boss just resigned. I find myself waking up several times regularly during the night thinking about who I have to email or who I forgot to email, or what follow-ups I have the next day or week. I question if I really enjoy my job anymore as a lifetime ago I use to actually design, draw and create “art.” It all seems so foreign now. My only real drawing these days is playing that game “Draw Something” on the iPad. Years of Art School for that?

I wonder if circumstances would have been better if I would have just taken other job over a year ago and moved the family across the country, and if I should consider that again.

I guess that’s the kind of thoughts that enter the mind when a birthday is close at hand and 40 seems closer than ever.


The Second Kid Syndrome
The nanny that’s with our son during the day is Mary Poppins. I’m completely convinced of it. I’m not sure how we got so lucky to have found her but we did and that’s all that matters.

She often hangs out with the wife and I at the end of the day just chatting for a while. Tonight she asked about our daughter and all of the places she’s been and the things she’s done in a mere 6 years.
raveled to Hawaii at 1, Fiji before turning 2, Paris at 3, Caribbean, 5 trips to Disney World, and all sorts of plays and concerts – primarily for kids but she did go to see Tom Jones once. We lied about her age to get her in. She was 4, but had to be 6 (she really wanted to go!) And she's been in a few photo shoots at around 3 and has even been on a T.V. commercial.

My son – he’s been to Disneyland.

But, he's with Ms. Poppins so that evens things out, right?

• Because if you eat that you’ll get sick and die.
• Because it’s not safe.
• Because it cost money.
• Because it’s past your bedtime.
• Because it’s too early.
• Because that’s questionable.
• Because your Mother already said “No.”
• Because I already said “No.”
• Because you’ll never play with it.
• Because you’ve had enough.
• Because that’s weird.
• Because it doesn’t match.
• Because that doesn’t belong to us.
• Because you’ll break it, again.
• Because you’ll poke your eye out.
• Because you’ll poke somebody’s eye out.

And when all else fails…

• Because I said so!

A Golden Valentine’s Day

I just read that the average person will spend $126.03 celebrating Valentines this year. That’s a whole lot of chocolate, flowers, and dinners.

In the past, I’ve usually made some type of printable to help bring that cost down to nearly zero. I’ve made Valentine’s Day Coupons, Lionel Richie Coloring pages, classroom Valentine’s, even Valentine’s for the workspace.
This year I came up with the perfect idea for Valentine’s after I found out some amazing history of a writer I work with after getting a LinkedIn invitation – she use to work on one of my favorite sitcoms of all time, “The Golden Girl’s”.

Oddly enough, I worked on one of her favorite shows on all time during my last year of college, “Home Improvement.” But of course her stories are much more interesting. We didn’t have a staff masseuse or Betty White, or Bea Arthur, or Rue McClanahan, or Estelle Getty.

Anyways…what was my point? Oh yeah, my perfect idea was “The Golden Girl’s” Valentines since I’ve always referenced them over the years.

But then I saw these:


This (brilliant) guy already beat me to them! Something that struck me as odd about this guy, he plays the accordion too just like me.

(Insert Twilight zone music and Dorothy’s “Oh c’mon” line)

But… does he play Depeche Mode on it like I do?

The Problem With Toddlers…They Cause Addictions!

The problem with having a kid that’s 1 ½ is that he puts nearly everything in his mouth. And if he can’t put it in his mouth, he’ll lick it like a lollipop and then ask his sister or a random stranger if they want to try it too.
So of course he became sick and then was over it after a day or two, and then I got sick for well over a week.

This virus was much different than the others I’ve had in the past - this one caused major insomnia so between the hours of 1-4AM I discovered a whole new world of distractions…

1. Pinterest. I heard about this from some marketing people at work and thought it was the stupidest idea in the world. Like, seriously stupid. A “virtual pinboard” and pinning, and repining and these marketing girls said they were spending hours on this thing a day. Stupid! And then I signed up using my “Fakebook” account and got a waiting list (how stupid!) And then I got my official invite two days later (really stupid waiting period.) And then I started pinning…That was last Wednesday. I can’t stop. Did I mention they have an iPhone app too?
2. Doogie Houser M.D. on Hulu. I started watching the show’s first season, which I hadn’t seen since High School. Which had me wondering, why did I watch this show in High School?
3. Clibe on iPad. Create and share digital journals. Most of them are interesting sketchbooks.
4. Instagram. I’ve been on this for about a year now, but didn’t realize how many bloggers are on it. I’m at “Tony CTD” if you want to follow me.

OK, now back to Pinterest…

Original Science Fair Project Ideas That Will Change the WORLD

My daughter’s school science fair is coming up soon. In fact, she just told my wife and I tonight that it’s happening next week.

After a robust and at times heated discussion about exactly how long has she known this information, my daughter and wife started listing a bunch of possible project ideas around simple scientific topics such as butterflies, volcano’s, mold, bugs, heat, cold, etc. to which I answered to all of them – boring.

Kids have been using those science fair topics for thousands of years ever since that one episode of “The Brady Bunch” where Bobby made that volcano explode in the backyard.

Oh Bobby.

I think my daughter should choose a topic with real groundbreaking information that will change the course of humankind and the world, forever. Something of real value and not something dull like the stages of an egg or the growing of mushrooms. As long as it ends up in an omelet nobody really cares.

Some innovative ideas of value:

What is the effect of Lionel Richie’s Mustache on Women?
Hypothesis – Scientists and mathematicians have been trying to figure this out for years – is the mustache the secret to Lionel's success and the ladies affection just as it is for Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds? Enquiring minds want to know.

Experiment – Make Lionel shave and then sing “Hello.”

Early Conclusion – I’ve just given this topic a little more thought and think I’ve figured out the answer: The blind woman that sculpted his head in clay INCLUDED the mustache.

Answer: Huge affect

How many licks to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Hypothesis – Was Mr. Owl right?

Experiment – Make a run to the nearest 7-11 and test it out.

Conclusion (hindered) – Find somebody that actually likes Tootsie Pops or maybe substitute with something better like Chewy Sprees or Popcorn Chicken from KFC.

Why do you have to be so delicious?

Does a visit to Chuck E. Cheese affect a Child’s probability to become a compulsive gambler later in life?
Hypothesis – Children walk around Chuck’s with coin-filled cups mesmerized by flashing lights, high-pitched sounding machines dropping hundreds of coins into them, losing all sense of time, while given access to all-you-can drink fountain beverages, horrible food and awful musical entertainment. Is Chuck’s really a training ground for slot hogs?

Experiment – Reconnaissance work:

Carpets that smell like cigarettes, vomit, tears, and urine

Entertainment: Chuck’s Band

Celine Dion

Conclusion – Yes

It’s Twenty-Twelve. Weird…

I’m not entirely sure what happened over the last month; it sort of just whipped by.
A rundown of what’s been going on:

1. Sadly, I still have Christmas gifts that I still have to mail. As a matter of fact, I’m looking at them now.
2. We bought a house "last year" and it's been a blessing and a curse renovating it as it was built in 1954 and hasn't been touched since. I got a new sewer main replacing the old ceramic one for Christmas!
   
3. My 1 ½ year old got a new Thomas the Train set and a few other random small toys - guess what his favorite toy is? The cardboard center to the paper towels. He yells into it like a bullhorn.
4. On New Year’s Eve I fell asleep at 9:30. I was hoping to watch that ridiculous but highly entertaining movie, “2012” but that didn’t happen.
5. We didn’t go crazy with gifts for our daughter this year, just a few small stocking stuffer's and some American Doll clothes and a playset she really wanted. Her favorite “toy” of choice: the small Snoopy notepad that she uses to take restaurant orders or to write police tickets to her baby brother – like this one:

Translated it says, “You get a ticket for closing the door on a police officer.” My son also likes to slam doors on people after he yells at them with his bullhorn.

Obviously, as of January 1st, that’s now illegal in California.

WORSE CHRISTMAS JOB EVER: Santa’s “Last in Line” Elf

The worse Elf job isn’t a Dentist, it’s actually being the last person standing in line for Santa pictures at the mall.

At first, I didn’t think anything of it when Santa’s maybe 16-17 year old cashier girl Elf approached my family and gave me a handmade written sign on the back of a dinosaur experience ad that said “LAST IN LINE :) ”

Her only instructions were “Here, hold this and show it to people behind you.”

Exhibit 1: “LAST IN LINE :) ” handmade card on back of the dinosaur experience ad. Note irony of smiling face at the end of the note.

Then as she walked away I thought to myself, “Hmm, a little odd since it was a Sunday, just after noon, and just two weeks before Christmas.” But whatever - just flashing a sign to strangers shouldn’t be that big of a deal, right?

I was wrong. Terribly wrong…


Potential Customers #1: Couple with small infant--

I flash “LAST IN LINE :) ” card and smile.

Me: (pointing to cashier elf) Santa’s Elf up there gave this to me.
Dad: What’s that mean?
Me: We’re the last in line.
Mom: (I see anger forming) Well, where’s he going?
Me: I don’t know, she (pointing to cashier elf) just gave me this card.
Dad: It’s BARELY NOON!!
Mom: (definitely angry while looking at me) SCREW THIS!!

Then they walk away talking pretty loud. It’s a good thing the infant doesn’t understand english yet.

Potential Customers #2: Grandmother with with two small toddlers--

I flash “LAST IN LINE :) ” card and (try) smiling

Me: (pointing to cashier elf) Santa’s Elf up there gave this to me.
Grandmother: (Shocked) Are you joking?
Me: No, the (pointing to cashier elf) Elf up there gave this to me.
Grandmother: Where am I supposed to go? (Angry and peering into my soul…it burned.)
Me: …I don’t…I don’t know…maybe he’s going on break and is coming back…
Grandmother: (Starts talking in a foreign language. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard my gardener say a few of those words while screaming at his lawn mower when it doesn’t start…)

They all walk away and the kids look really confused.

Woman standing in front of us with infant turns around---

Woman: Wow, I’m sure glad I got here early enough before you guys.
Then she turned back around and resumed texting on her phone.

Potential Customers #3: Couple with lots of kids on a big stroller---

Exhibit 2: Big stroller. How on earth do they go shopping with these things without running over innocent bystanders?

I flash “LAST IN LINE :)” card and (force) smile

Me: (pointing to cashier elf) Santa’s Elf up there gave this to me.
Dad: What the...!
Me: We’re the last in line… the (pointing to cashier elf) Elf up there gave this to me. It’s not my fault. Go talk to the (pointing to cashier elf) …Elf. She’s the one that's done this.

Then the kids got upset, and then the wife, and then my kids get scared because the Dad is yelling at his kids and his wife and maybe mine and everybody else's too. And then they eventually leave. But then more people are behind them...!

I went over to the Elf that started this all and ask how long the wait was going to be because being the “LAST IN LINE :)” was a horrible experience. She said the Elf girl that normally holds the “LAST IN LINE :)” card didn’t show up to work. And then people that were paying for their pictures said it took them nearly an hour and a half to reach Santa.

I walked over to the woman in front of us, handed her the “LAST IN LINE :)” card, and then we left.
On the way out I told my wife I’m just going to take the Santa picture from last year and Photoshop new heads on the kids.

Done. And I saved us $35.

Disney World – The Most Tiring Place on Earth

I think I’ve finally recovered now that we’ve been back for a week.

No doubt about it, all of the kids we traveled with loved the place and all of the adults seemed to have fun as well - eating and drinking at EPCOT is a huge reason alone to go. And in hindsight I really enjoyed spending time with my family, some in-law's we hadn’t seen in a few years, and our friends that traveled along with us.
The only problem I really had was waking up early, walking and waiting in lines all day, and then getting home at around 10-11PM at night…for 6 days in a row!

The place is a marathon of endurance and all while spending enormous amounts of money for simple things like a bottled water ($3), popcorn ($3), and pretzels ($1 million!) I finally did try a Turkey Leg, but the $9 price and the fact I looked like Fred Flintstone while walking around with it prevented me from buying another.

I told the wife at day 4, 5, or maybe 6 (I don’t really remember as the days all seemed to have blended together towards the end) that next year we need to go someplace relaxing where we don’t have to move much and someplace that can keep the kids entertained for at least half of the day so we can sleep.
Then on the Disney bus ride back to the airport, they showed a commercial for a new resort out in Hawaii with parents having drinks and sleeping on a beach while the kids are running around in a kids program with Goofy.

Hawaii? OK, I'm listening...

Talk about brilliant marketing and timing. If I hadn’t spent so much on bottled water, popcorn, and a Turkey Leg I would’ve asked the airline to take me directly there from Orlando.

Flying with a Toddler: Follow-up
I’m impressed with all of the suggestions and comments in the last post - Thank you! I did try a few out with my 18-month old son. Most worked for a bit, namely the small new surprises idea, but in the end the iPad beat everything out.
I did download around $30 worth of iPhone/iPad apps and ripped a few kids movies onto the thing.

I thought I’d share a few apps that REALLY kept my son and daughter (and me) entertained:

A Charlie Brown Christmas - Great interactive storybook of the TV special.
Don't Let the Pigeon Run This App - Very nice and clever cartoon/storybook using the kids' own voice.
Elmo's Monster Maker HD - Make your own Muppet and then it interacts with you and Elmo. It's a little short, but my son loves it.
Where's My Water - My six year old, wife, and I are completely addicted. And shockingly this game is only $1 for both iPad and iPhone!
Harold and the Purple Crayon - Another well done interactive storybook of the classic story.
Toca Tea Party, Toca Birthday, Toca Store - Pretty much anything done by this developer "Toca Boca" should be bought. Completely clever not quite games but "toys" that get everybody playing together.
Scribblenauts Remix - Amazing solving game and pretty much anything your imagination comes up with. I still can't get over how large this game is - type anything in and it appears. My daughter and I just had fun coming up with weird scenarios and watching Ninja's fight with dinosaurs with hats!


An Airline Steward That Hates Toddler’s and Children:
I can’t even begin to describe how truly disappointed I am with my favorite airline in the entire world – Virgin America. I’ve been a die-hard fan for years now literally going out of my way to make our planning work out with their plane schedules just so we can fly on their fancy planes. But then something devastating happened on the flight back home.

And this isn’t something small and petty either - it was downright cruel. So bad that even others around us were horrified. I still can't believe it...

Anyway, I’ve contacted Virgin America and am now waiting for response; if I don’t hear back from them then I'll share the experience.