A Golden Valentine’s Day

I just read that the average person will spend $126.03 celebrating Valentines this year. That’s a whole lot of chocolate, flowers, and dinners.

In the past, I’ve usually made some type of printable to help bring that cost down to nearly zero. I’ve made Valentine’s Day Coupons, Lionel Richie Coloring pages, classroom Valentine’s, even Valentine’s for the workspace.
This year I came up with the perfect idea for Valentine’s after I found out some amazing history of a writer I work with after getting a LinkedIn invitation – she use to work on one of my favorite sitcoms of all time, “The Golden Girl’s”.

Oddly enough, I worked on one of her favorite shows on all time during my last year of college, “Home Improvement.” But of course her stories are much more interesting. We didn’t have a staff masseuse or Betty White, or Bea Arthur, or Rue McClanahan, or Estelle Getty.

Anyways…what was my point? Oh yeah, my perfect idea was “The Golden Girl’s” Valentines since I’ve always referenced them over the years.

But then I saw these:


This (brilliant) guy already beat me to them! Something that struck me as odd about this guy, he plays the accordion too just like me.

(Insert Twilight zone music and Dorothy’s “Oh c’mon” line)

But… does he play Depeche Mode on it like I do?

The Problem With Toddlers…They Cause Addictions!

The problem with having a kid that’s 1 ½ is that he puts nearly everything in his mouth. And if he can’t put it in his mouth, he’ll lick it like a lollipop and then ask his sister or a random stranger if they want to try it too.
So of course he became sick and then was over it after a day or two, and then I got sick for well over a week.

This virus was much different than the others I’ve had in the past - this one caused major insomnia so between the hours of 1-4AM I discovered a whole new world of distractions…

1. Pinterest. I heard about this from some marketing people at work and thought it was the stupidest idea in the world. Like, seriously stupid. A “virtual pinboard” and pinning, and repining and these marketing girls said they were spending hours on this thing a day. Stupid! And then I signed up using my “Fakebook” account and got a waiting list (how stupid!) And then I got my official invite two days later (really stupid waiting period.) And then I started pinning…That was last Wednesday. I can’t stop. Did I mention they have an iPhone app too?
2. Doogie Houser M.D. on Hulu. I started watching the show’s first season, which I hadn’t seen since High School. Which had me wondering, why did I watch this show in High School?
3. Clibe on iPad. Create and share digital journals. Most of them are interesting sketchbooks.
4. Instagram. I’ve been on this for about a year now, but didn’t realize how many bloggers are on it. I’m at “Tony CTD” if you want to follow me.

OK, now back to Pinterest…

Original Science Fair Project Ideas That Will Change the WORLD

My daughter’s school science fair is coming up soon. In fact, she just told my wife and I tonight that it’s happening next week.

After a robust and at times heated discussion about exactly how long has she known this information, my daughter and wife started listing a bunch of possible project ideas around simple scientific topics such as butterflies, volcano’s, mold, bugs, heat, cold, etc. to which I answered to all of them – boring.

Kids have been using those science fair topics for thousands of years ever since that one episode of “The Brady Bunch” where Bobby made that volcano explode in the backyard.

Oh Bobby.

I think my daughter should choose a topic with real groundbreaking information that will change the course of humankind and the world, forever. Something of real value and not something dull like the stages of an egg or the growing of mushrooms. As long as it ends up in an omelet nobody really cares.

Some innovative ideas of value:

What is the effect of Lionel Richie’s Mustache on Women?
Hypothesis – Scientists and mathematicians have been trying to figure this out for years – is the mustache the secret to Lionel's success and the ladies affection just as it is for Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds? Enquiring minds want to know.

Experiment – Make Lionel shave and then sing “Hello.”

Early Conclusion – I’ve just given this topic a little more thought and think I’ve figured out the answer: The blind woman that sculpted his head in clay INCLUDED the mustache.

Answer: Huge affect

How many licks to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Hypothesis – Was Mr. Owl right?

Experiment – Make a run to the nearest 7-11 and test it out.

Conclusion (hindered) – Find somebody that actually likes Tootsie Pops or maybe substitute with something better like Chewy Sprees or Popcorn Chicken from KFC.

Why do you have to be so delicious?

Does a visit to Chuck E. Cheese affect a Child’s probability to become a compulsive gambler later in life?
Hypothesis – Children walk around Chuck’s with coin-filled cups mesmerized by flashing lights, high-pitched sounding machines dropping hundreds of coins into them, losing all sense of time, while given access to all-you-can drink fountain beverages, horrible food and awful musical entertainment. Is Chuck’s really a training ground for slot hogs?

Experiment – Reconnaissance work:

Carpets that smell like cigarettes, vomit, tears, and urine

Entertainment: Chuck’s Band

Celine Dion

Conclusion – Yes

It’s Twenty-Twelve. Weird…

I’m not entirely sure what happened over the last month; it sort of just whipped by.
A rundown of what’s been going on:

1. Sadly, I still have Christmas gifts that I still have to mail. As a matter of fact, I’m looking at them now.
2. We bought a house "last year" and it's been a blessing and a curse renovating it as it was built in 1954 and hasn't been touched since. I got a new sewer main replacing the old ceramic one for Christmas!
   
3. My 1 ½ year old got a new Thomas the Train set and a few other random small toys - guess what his favorite toy is? The cardboard center to the paper towels. He yells into it like a bullhorn.
4. On New Year’s Eve I fell asleep at 9:30. I was hoping to watch that ridiculous but highly entertaining movie, “2012” but that didn’t happen.
5. We didn’t go crazy with gifts for our daughter this year, just a few small stocking stuffer's and some American Doll clothes and a playset she really wanted. Her favorite “toy” of choice: the small Snoopy notepad that she uses to take restaurant orders or to write police tickets to her baby brother – like this one:

Translated it says, “You get a ticket for closing the door on a police officer.” My son also likes to slam doors on people after he yells at them with his bullhorn.

Obviously, as of January 1st, that’s now illegal in California.

WORSE CHRISTMAS JOB EVER: Santa’s “Last in Line” Elf

The worse Elf job isn’t a Dentist, it’s actually being the last person standing in line for Santa pictures at the mall.

At first, I didn’t think anything of it when Santa’s maybe 16-17 year old cashier girl Elf approached my family and gave me a handmade written sign on the back of a dinosaur experience ad that said “LAST IN LINE :) ”

Her only instructions were “Here, hold this and show it to people behind you.”

Exhibit 1: “LAST IN LINE :) ” handmade card on back of the dinosaur experience ad. Note irony of smiling face at the end of the note.

Then as she walked away I thought to myself, “Hmm, a little odd since it was a Sunday, just after noon, and just two weeks before Christmas.” But whatever - just flashing a sign to strangers shouldn’t be that big of a deal, right?

I was wrong. Terribly wrong…


Potential Customers #1: Couple with small infant--

I flash “LAST IN LINE :) ” card and smile.

Me: (pointing to cashier elf) Santa’s Elf up there gave this to me.
Dad: What’s that mean?
Me: We’re the last in line.
Mom: (I see anger forming) Well, where’s he going?
Me: I don’t know, she (pointing to cashier elf) just gave me this card.
Dad: It’s BARELY NOON!!
Mom: (definitely angry while looking at me) SCREW THIS!!

Then they walk away talking pretty loud. It’s a good thing the infant doesn’t understand english yet.

Potential Customers #2: Grandmother with with two small toddlers--

I flash “LAST IN LINE :) ” card and (try) smiling

Me: (pointing to cashier elf) Santa’s Elf up there gave this to me.
Grandmother: (Shocked) Are you joking?
Me: No, the (pointing to cashier elf) Elf up there gave this to me.
Grandmother: Where am I supposed to go? (Angry and peering into my soul…it burned.)
Me: …I don’t…I don’t know…maybe he’s going on break and is coming back…
Grandmother: (Starts talking in a foreign language. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard my gardener say a few of those words while screaming at his lawn mower when it doesn’t start…)

They all walk away and the kids look really confused.

Woman standing in front of us with infant turns around---

Woman: Wow, I’m sure glad I got here early enough before you guys.
Then she turned back around and resumed texting on her phone.

Potential Customers #3: Couple with lots of kids on a big stroller---

Exhibit 2: Big stroller. How on earth do they go shopping with these things without running over innocent bystanders?

I flash “LAST IN LINE :)” card and (force) smile

Me: (pointing to cashier elf) Santa’s Elf up there gave this to me.
Dad: What the...!
Me: We’re the last in line… the (pointing to cashier elf) Elf up there gave this to me. It’s not my fault. Go talk to the (pointing to cashier elf) …Elf. She’s the one that's done this.

Then the kids got upset, and then the wife, and then my kids get scared because the Dad is yelling at his kids and his wife and maybe mine and everybody else's too. And then they eventually leave. But then more people are behind them...!

I went over to the Elf that started this all and ask how long the wait was going to be because being the “LAST IN LINE :)” was a horrible experience. She said the Elf girl that normally holds the “LAST IN LINE :)” card didn’t show up to work. And then people that were paying for their pictures said it took them nearly an hour and a half to reach Santa.

I walked over to the woman in front of us, handed her the “LAST IN LINE :)” card, and then we left.
On the way out I told my wife I’m just going to take the Santa picture from last year and Photoshop new heads on the kids.

Done. And I saved us $35.

Disney World – The Most Tiring Place on Earth

I think I’ve finally recovered now that we’ve been back for a week.

No doubt about it, all of the kids we traveled with loved the place and all of the adults seemed to have fun as well - eating and drinking at EPCOT is a huge reason alone to go. And in hindsight I really enjoyed spending time with my family, some in-law's we hadn’t seen in a few years, and our friends that traveled along with us.
The only problem I really had was waking up early, walking and waiting in lines all day, and then getting home at around 10-11PM at night…for 6 days in a row!

The place is a marathon of endurance and all while spending enormous amounts of money for simple things like a bottled water ($3), popcorn ($3), and pretzels ($1 million!) I finally did try a Turkey Leg, but the $9 price and the fact I looked like Fred Flintstone while walking around with it prevented me from buying another.

I told the wife at day 4, 5, or maybe 6 (I don’t really remember as the days all seemed to have blended together towards the end) that next year we need to go someplace relaxing where we don’t have to move much and someplace that can keep the kids entertained for at least half of the day so we can sleep.
Then on the Disney bus ride back to the airport, they showed a commercial for a new resort out in Hawaii with parents having drinks and sleeping on a beach while the kids are running around in a kids program with Goofy.

Hawaii? OK, I'm listening...

Talk about brilliant marketing and timing. If I hadn’t spent so much on bottled water, popcorn, and a Turkey Leg I would’ve asked the airline to take me directly there from Orlando.

Flying with a Toddler: Follow-up
I’m impressed with all of the suggestions and comments in the last post - Thank you! I did try a few out with my 18-month old son. Most worked for a bit, namely the small new surprises idea, but in the end the iPad beat everything out.
I did download around $30 worth of iPhone/iPad apps and ripped a few kids movies onto the thing.

I thought I’d share a few apps that REALLY kept my son and daughter (and me) entertained:

A Charlie Brown Christmas - Great interactive storybook of the TV special.
Don't Let the Pigeon Run This App - Very nice and clever cartoon/storybook using the kids' own voice.
Elmo's Monster Maker HD - Make your own Muppet and then it interacts with you and Elmo. It's a little short, but my son loves it.
Where's My Water - My six year old, wife, and I are completely addicted. And shockingly this game is only $1 for both iPad and iPhone!
Harold and the Purple Crayon - Another well done interactive storybook of the classic story.
Toca Tea Party, Toca Birthday, Toca Store - Pretty much anything done by this developer "Toca Boca" should be bought. Completely clever not quite games but "toys" that get everybody playing together.
Scribblenauts Remix - Amazing solving game and pretty much anything your imagination comes up with. I still can't get over how large this game is - type anything in and it appears. My daughter and I just had fun coming up with weird scenarios and watching Ninja's fight with dinosaurs with hats!


An Airline Steward That Hates Toddler’s and Children:
I can’t even begin to describe how truly disappointed I am with my favorite airline in the entire world – Virgin America. I’ve been a die-hard fan for years now literally going out of my way to make our planning work out with their plane schedules just so we can fly on their fancy planes. But then something devastating happened on the flight back home.

And this isn’t something small and petty either - it was downright cruel. So bad that even others around us were horrified. I still can't believe it...

Anyway, I’ve contacted Virgin America and am now waiting for response; if I don’t hear back from them then I'll share the experience.

Vacation - Good. Taking a Toddler on an Airplane – BAD!

We leave for Disney World soon and I couldn’t be more thrilled about finally being able to take some time off of work to spend time with my wife, kids, some friends, and some family we haven’t seen in over 5 years.

But with all of the excitement comes dread – my son is now 18-months old and has literally two setting: RUN and sleep. Saying he’s a bundle of energy is an understatement.
I first considered buying him a seat on the airplane, which of course is HIGHLY recommended by the airline and “experts.” Problem is, when my daughter was around 19-months we flew with her car seat and she kicked the seat in front of her for hours. Yes, hours, even with us trying to hold her legs down. Try holding toddlers legs down for a few hours?

Yeah, that’s the part the airlines and those “experts” don’t tell you about. The lady in front of us had every right to shoot us. I should have given her permission to shoot the stupid expert who thought putting a car seat in an airplane was a good idea – especially now that the seats are even closer together these days. My recommendation, don’t put a toddler in a car seat in an airplane unless you really want the entire plane against you. Most people are already not caring or concerned for parents and small kids on airplanes as it is.

Anyhow, we’re tried the Benadryl idea with my daughter when she was just about 2-years old and it created horrible results. Instead of sleepy or drowsy she became irritable and hyper. We read later that you’re supposed to “test” it first. So this time around we tested it with our son and it seemed to chill him out. I guess the ultimate test will be the upcoming 4 and a half hour flight.

But I’m looking for alternate ideas. Parents of the world, PLEASE tell me your secrets to a successful airplane flight with your toddler?

When Did Innocent Fairy Tale Costumes Get Trampy?

I’m beyond disturbed…

My daughter wanted to be Dorothy from Wizard of Oz this year because she saw some other girl her age wearing the costume and she’s a huge fan of the movie.
Well, only the singing parts of the movie she watches on YouTube. And she really likes the idea of carrying a Toto stuffed animal dog in a basket.

So of course when she asked, “Can I be Dorothy this year for Halloween?” We said, “sure, all right” that sounds pretty cute and innocent enough; it is a classic gem of a movie and it’s even got midgets and monkeys.
So I Googled it to look at some shopping options and to my surprise a whole lot of options came up for all ages.

From toddler

To elementary

And then this one was listed as teen

And then this...?!

Hells no! What kind of message is this sending to young girls when they’ve taken an innocent childhood character and have made a progression of her from toddler to lap dancer? I don't want ever want my daughter to see costumes like that which are suppose to be the same character as her.

They’ve even made a “sexy” Tin Man costume...


Seriously? The Tin MAN. The Tin Man is a MAN, not a sexy woman. Who designs this stuff?

What’s next “Elmo?” Oh, wait – they ALREADY MAKE ONE!


My advice for Halloween costume designers: sure, make sexy costumes for adult women, but stay off the characters that are made for kids. Don’t ruin fairytales and classic movies.

Some suggestions so workers in China can stay employed in the Halloween costume industry--

NOT OK: Dorothy, Belle, Jasmine, Snow White, etc.

OK: Sexy KFC Bucket of Chicken

28th Annual FREE Halloween Pumpkin Stencils

I really haven’t been creating these stencils that long, it just sounds much more dramatic.

This year was another tough one, trying to come up with some ideas that outshine my Lionel Richie and Colonel Sanders pumpkin stencils from past years.
In fact, this year I am making the KFC one again just because I FINALLY got a Colonel Harland Sanders costume after years of searching. And that’s not even the best part – my job paid for the costume, as I needed something impressive for a PR event.
The only thing that can outshine that is getting free popcorn chicken.

And if my wife let me dress our 18-month old son in a chicken costume.

Most of my designs this year come from reader requests and one from my daughter of her now favorite movie of all-time, “Xanadu”, a 1980 romantic musical fantasy roller-skating disco film with Olivia Newton John. Obviously her mother had NOTHING to do with that.

This year’s free pumpkin stencils (click to download):

Spiderman

Kira from Xanadu

Apple


Snow White and Apple


Transformers

Past year stencils are linked here: Lionel Richie, KFC Colonel Sanders, Peanuts/Linus and the Great Pumpkin, Princess and the Frog, Evil Queen, Fairy, Ninja, Star Wars: Chewbacca, Gary Coleman, Jack Skellington.

Use Disclaimer: I just ask that these be used non-commercially, and not used for T-shirts, sold items, as in Zazzle or Etsy type-places (seeing my fan art for sale on items without my knowledge or permission REALLY SUCKS.)
Please DO NOT reposted the art anywhere else. You may link to them on Facebook and such or print them out for personal use only.

Where Does The Time Go?

I know it’s been awhile, but it’s been getting harder finding the time to post these days.

In between the commotion at work, my daughter just starting 2nd grade, my son growing too fast, and all of the extra time I spend playing games on my “Fakebook” account -- my phony Facebook account where I’m a 72 year old bee farmer from Norway – there just doesn’t seem to be enough time in the day anymore.

What I’ve been up to:

Screw the Environment – Wipe Your Butt!
My daughter started second grade this school year and they’ve been getting a little more environmentally conscious in the curriculum.
Things went a bit too far recently when after my daughter ran out of the bathroom and I asked, as I normally do, “did you wash your hands and wipe your butt?” she said, “No! That’s wasting trees and water!”

My Wife’s Mutant Chiropractor is on YouTube?
My wife started appointments with a “wholistic chiropractor” over the summer. I don’t like him. The guy is a freak and looks like a creepy, even more mutant, version of Wolverine.

She convinced me to go to one of his 3-hour seminars where he pretty much claimed he could cure anything from bad breath to preventing an asteroid hitting the earth through the magic of chiropractor arts and his adamantium hands.


16-Months Old With Super Chubby Legs and Cheeks
I have a problem. I can’t stop squeezing my sons cheeks and squeezing his chubby legs. I can’t help it, he’s squishy.

Questions To Ask a Prospective Nanny
We scrambled last month trying to find a new nanny for our kids as our last one decided she didn’t want to be a nanny anymore; she wanted to be a nail salon receptionist instead.
My daughter put together a few questions to add in the interview process...

1. What’s your favorite color and is it purple?
2. Do you have a cat and can you bring it with you because my Daddy won’t let me get one.
3. How often will you take me and my baby brother to Jamba Juice? (local smoothie place)
4. Have you ever seen [the movie] Xanadu?
5. What games do you have on your iPhone?
6. What would you name a horse that’s purple?

Hitting Rock-Bottom…
I recently let my gym membership expire after 10 years. I was going pretty consistently 4-5 times a week for years and was quite proud of myself, even to the point of doing a couple of 5K and 10K’s. But got burned out and with work, the kids, the fakebook games, everything else that going on, I didn’t rush to get another one. Until…

I was waiting for my wife in the car, while at her appointment with Wolverine, and an old gym friend walked and saw me stuffing my face with (delicious) KFC popcorn chicken and fries.

I signed up for another gym shortly thereafter. Then my wife said Wolverine offered to help cure my KFC addition.