A good friend (the one that gets “man”-icures) is going to be a first-time father soon and well, ... I couldn’t be happier for him and his wife. I’m sure they’ll be great parents and the baby will have well manicured hands.
He was asking questions about my personal experience with the birth of my daughter – Did I have any advice to pass on? Did I get queasy or sick? What was is really like? What should he really expect?
I had to think about it for a while, because seriously after my daughter was born I kind of forgot all the stuff leading up to the actual birth.
And I’m not a real big fan of doctors and I can’t stand the sight of needles, blood, guts, innards, or whatever.
Of course there are lots of exceptions to this rule – Ninja movies, James Bond movies, cartoons, ultimate fighting championships, reality shows, the outdoor channel, alien autopsy specials, X-Files, etc. Those don’t bother me because everybody knows they're not “real” (except maybe that alien autopsy...)
“Tell me the truth! I need to be prepared and warned!"…as he gripped onto his seat like he was about to pass a kidney stone.
I had to think about it, and then I finally remembered:
1. Don’t look “down there” when the baby is coming out – Contrary to popular belief, there’s nothing beautiful about a human head coming out down there (especially there...) It didn’t seem so weird in the videos, but on your woman - it's just wrong.
2. TV/Movies LIE. The baby doesn’t come out looking like if just bathed in a waterfall of pure spring water with smells of a summer garden (that happens later) Initially, it looks like an alien that just finished dry walling a garage (white stuff all over it.) The baby has been in fluid for what? Nearly 10, 78 months.
3. Don’t look at the 'birthing bag'! Or whatever its scientific name is (alien pouch?) I took one accidental 2-second glance and I still have NIGHTMARES about it (I swear it had EYES and sharp teeth…)
4. Do look at the umbilical cord while cutting. And try (real hard) not to focus that it's attached to your baby and wife...with pulsating veins and see-through grayish, skin stuff....(shivers). Sidenote: I had visions of it squirting like a broken air hose once cut --- that didn't help my nerves.
5. You will shed a tear (or a lot more) It'll be either because you’re in amazement and meeting the little thing finally for the first time....or because it’ll look like you’re in the middle of a Quentin Tarantino movie and your missing your wallet.
6. Try to remember everything. And as many details as possible because your lady will be too occupied you know, giving birth and all that. You’ll be the one only constant eyewitness in the days and years ahead. So when your kid gets older you can tell him/her how it was as a witness. And if you happen to add angry attacking Ninja’s or a nurse with a curly mustache to the story nobody can prove you wrong.
I think that covers my key points, does anybody have any other advice to add?