Monday, January 07, 2008
Exterminator Wanted! Apparently My House Is Infested With Monsters
Can anybody give me a referral? Because I’ve had this conversation with my daughter about 500 times this past week:
Me: Whatup buttercup?
Daughter: Scary Monster…
Daughter: Over there
Daughter: Ohhhhhhh--VER THERE!!!
What I shouldn’t have done the first time she said this:
Walk over, poke behind the sofa, said “dear God, what the…!!!” then grab my arm, scream and flip myself over yelling “GO GET MOMMY!! GO GET MOMMY!!! AAHHHHH!!!”
I expect social services to arrive at my door any second now.
Sometimes I forget she’s only 2. It’s easy these days - she can say her ABC’s, count to 20, knows the entire lyrics to “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” and “Hot Dog” (from Mickey Mouse clubhouse.) She’s practically all grown up, except for that pooping on the potty thing. But hey, plenty of adults don't quite get that, right?
The wife doesn’t agree. Now I’m tasked with, as she calls it “ridding the house of monsters that won’t do anymore harm to our daughter that I’ve already produced.”
So I came up with a few ideas on how to get rid of these monsters....
How to get rid of monsters without resorting to expensive exorcisms: Toddler Edition
1. Radioactive Holy Water. Put some water in an old saltshaker and microwave it. Sprinkle around the doors and windows.
2. Wear a Blanket over the head. Everybody knows monsters can’t penetrate blankets. Don’t ask me to explain it; I just know it has something to do with the law of physics and gambling.
3. Monster Trap. Put some M&M’s on a plate with a box over it and stick & rope trigger (ala: Roadrunner) OR leave the TV on with M&M’s in front of it and the monster will get “sucked in.” Make sure Dora or the Doodlebops is on.
Does anybody else have any other ideas on getting rid of monsters? Just in case...