Monday, January 07, 2008

Exterminator Wanted! Apparently My House Is Infested With Monsters


Can anybody give me a referral? Because I’ve had this conversation with my daughter about 500 times this past week:

Daughter: DAD-DEE!!!!
Me: Whatup buttercup?
Daughter: Scary Monster…
Me: Where?
Daughter: Over there
Me: Where?
Daughter: Ohhhhhhh--VER THERE!!!

What I shouldn’t have done the first time she said this:
Walk over, poke behind the sofa, said “dear God, what the…!!!” then grab my arm, scream and flip myself over yelling “GO GET MOMMY!! GO GET MOMMY!!! AAHHHHH!!!”

I expect social services to arrive at my door any second now.

Sometimes I forget she’s only 2. It’s easy these days - she can say her ABC’s, count to 20, knows the entire lyrics to “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” and “Hot Dog” (from Mickey Mouse clubhouse.) She’s practically all grown up, except for that pooping on the potty thing. But hey, plenty of adults don't quite get that, right?
The wife doesn’t agree. Now I’m tasked with, as she calls it “ridding the house of monsters that won’t do anymore harm to our daughter that I’ve already produced.”

So I came up with a few ideas on how to get rid of these monsters....

How to get rid of monsters without resorting to expensive exorcisms: Toddler Edition

1. Radioactive Holy Water. Put some water in an old saltshaker and microwave it. Sprinkle around the doors and windows.

2. Wear a Blanket over the head. Everybody knows monsters can’t penetrate blankets. Don’t ask me to explain it; I just know it has something to do with the law of physics and gambling.

3. Monster Trap. Put some M&M’s on a plate with a box over it and stick & rope trigger (ala: Roadrunner) OR leave the TV on with M&M’s in front of it and the monster will get “sucked in.” Make sure Dora or the Doodlebops is on.


Does anybody else have any other ideas on getting rid of monsters? Just in case...

55 comments:

mama speak said...

ok, peeing myself laughing at he idea of you doing the "go get mommy" dance.

Ummm, could you possibly convince her that they're nice monsters? Like Elmo & Cookie? That's what I did w/my oldest. However, we weren't starting from a negative (get mommy dance).

Light, bad monsters don't like light (from what I hear).

Watch Monsters, Inc & show her that they're really here to make her laugh?

Melody said...

I told our boys that the monters were scared of daddy, and wouldn't DARE come in our house, but it sounds like it might be too late for that one.

I personally like "Monster Spray". You can buy actual Monster Spray somewhere, but until your kiddo learns to read, it's easier and chaper to get some aerosol air freshener and spray the closet, under the bed - wherever she needs it.

Or you could be practical - There are NO such things as monsters. We coudln't use this one, because we had already told them about the "Bad Boy Monster". Not to worry - he can only come in the house if you haven't been good.

Glad I'm not the only one expecting that visit from Social Services...

Whirlwind said...

Heh - I seem to recall Husband doing something similar.

Anyway, we have monster spray. It's an invisible bottle, I spray around the room and then hand to hte child (usually my six year old). That way she can spray if any monsters come near. It seems to work.

Also, we make up something silly. Like the "Zombies are only coming to see you because they like playing catch. Can you play catch with them?" "Or the Mutant Cows from Mars just want to play dress up with you". They usually then have fun making up what the specific monster likes and laughing that they are no longer afraid.

You could try "the monsters won't come back if you poop on the potty. They like diapers" :P

Heather said...

Oh, I'm right there with you in social services realm. But, I thought blankets over the head kept social services at bay, not monsters. Well, same thing, I guess.

You could always try the double-barrel shotgun method. You'll have holes all over the house from the lead shot, but the monsters will DEFINITELY be dead.

That or get a rope and a Tupperware container that you're not attached to. "Catch" and "capture" the monsters while daughter watches and throw them in the trash or drive container to the woods and leave it. I don't know. That's all I've got.

Roth Family Adventures said...

How about telling the monster that it's fat and ugly so that it'll be to embarrassed to come around anymore?

Okay, that might not work.

You could fill a squirt bottle up with some water and call it monster repellant. Your daughter can spray some behind the couch or anywhere else she thinks there may be a monster lurking.

I'm all out of ideas now. We haven't gotten to the scared of imaginary monsters thing yet. I'm sure I'll come up with some creative, impromptu solutions when the time comes.

painted maypole said...

the monster trap is AWESOME. particularly the idea of sucking them into the TV to attach the doodlebops

Redneck Mommy said...

I did the same thing when my kids were young...and they still remember how I scared the bejeepers out of them and then laughed.

And they work every damn day at paying me back.

Buggers.

LOL.

(Side note: I still have nightmares about getting sucked into the telly...damn you big brother for convincing me to watch Poltergeist when I was seven....)

Leslie said...

Fill a spray bottle up with water and spray it around the room. Tell her its monster repellent. That worked when I was a kid! :)

Rick Andreoli said...

Did you seriously act like you were being attacked? LAME-O! I will never worry that Steve and I are saying/doing anything inappropriate from now on.

I can't wait until we help her buy a prom dress.

crazedparent said...

We tell our little guys that monsters can't make it into our city because there's a law against it and the mayor put up a force field.

No joke. It works.

Whit said...

Was it Major Payne where he shoots the closet and gets the monster? You could do that and then tell the story about not feeling your legs. Same movie.

Dan said...

You're missing a trick here. You need to find a way of getting rid of monsters that also has beneficial side effects. Like scaring them away by letting daddy go and have a nice lie down, or teaching her to vacuum them up (and do the carpet while she's at it).

creative-type dad said...

All great ideas!

Whirlwind -- Wow! I really like the idea of the monsters being attracted to the poopy diapers.
This monster thing just might work...

Heather, Queen of Shake-Shake said...

Of course!

Monster repellent spray.

Pour some Febreeze into a plain spritzer bottle and then spray around the beds and doors when the kids go to bed. Tell them the monsters can't stand the fresh scent since they only like stinky, smelly socks under the bed.

#1 the kids think monster repellent is real.

#2 they keep their socks out from under the bed.

Kathryn said...

Hahaha!!! You did NOT do that!?! Did you? That is hilarious! You do realize that because of that the monsters will NEVER go away now. heh heh heh.
I must remember to be kinder to my hubby from now on. After all, at least he never acted out a monster attack in front of our boys. heh heh heh.
That is hilarious.

Diana said...

That is JUST. WRONG. (while I pee myself from laughing!LOL!)
My son always tells me that there is a monster in the closet, but as long as I shut the door, he's okay. If he tells me there's one in the house, we go on a monster hunt. I don't want him to be freaked out by monsters, so I make it a fun thing. Or try to.

Be Inspired Always said...

I had a friend with that problem. Her daughter was so scared, so I told her to trap him in a box and sell the monster on ebay.

I didn't however think that the mom would actually do that. And that it would actually sell for $5.50.


Jillian

Dad Stuff said...

All of these ideas almost want me to create a monster in the bedroom just to try them out.

Darren said...

We used to have monsters but haven't seen them around in a while...probably not since we all started pooping on the potty. Hmmm.

carrie said...

I don't remember when and I don't remember how, but we "sprinkle" magic on our kids foreheads at bedtime.

I still do it to the older ones.

Seems to work . . .

megachick said...

you never get rid of them. my almost 6 year old still pulls that bedtime-postponing stunt once in a while. my hubs always appoints one monster to keep her safe from the others. that monster monitor gets a name and a description, but the others never do.

The Real Mother Hen said...

Tell me know which one works, as I may need to use it for myself!
I'm freaking afraid of Monsters! :(

Alissa said...

Monster Spray didn't work on the monsters under Nicky's bed. What did work was a dog. We don't have a dog, but we had friends bring one by. "Monsters are scared of Dogs. Callie will get rid of the monsters!" She went under the bed, and then the monsters were gone.

Also, they have one of those little LED lights...I told them that monsters couldn't come into red light so they would turn on the little light and place it under the bed to keep them from coming back. I just turned it off after they were asleep.

Michael M. said...

Good stuff man.

How about having him/her 'help' with changing the smoke detector batteries, light bulbs, etc. and explain that they are special repellents that work day and night?

Heidi (minnesotamom.wordpress.com) said...

Melody--ha! The "Bad Boy Monster." Sadly, I might use that one...

Maybe give her a flashlight to "zap" the monsters with?

Denguy said...

Just tell her the monsters are there because she won't poop on the potty.

TK Kerouac said...

r u really from LA? I'm visiting LA On the 16th for a few days, anything I should see??

BookMomma said...

LOVE denguy's suggestion... might try it myself!!

That'll show that kid what happens next time he tries to hide his poop in the wahing machine.

Joking of course, but seriously - our clothes smell like a sewer now. Monsters don't sound so bad a solution...

dennis said...

I found that turning on every light in the house and sleeping in the imps beds seemed to calm their fears...

ronUpNorth said...

absolutely hilarious.

Octopus Grigori said...

You could do that thing like they did in Tom & Jerry or one of the Bugs Bunny cartoons where you bring in a bigger monster to eat the monsters you have, and then a different, bigger monster to eat that monster, ad infinitum. You could end it by bringing in a really cute mouse or kitten who would scare the final big monster to death.

I think this is roughly our strategy in the current GLOBAL WAR ON TERROR EVERYWHERE (i.e., bigger monsters being invasions and wars, cute mouse or kitten scaring the big monster to death being DEMOCRACY -- or, maybe that's how it was explained to GWB).

Pageant Mom said...

My daughter isn't scared of monsters...I'm not bragging because here lately she's BEEN the monster...

Good Luck. I wish I had better advice! My son went through a spell, and all we did was let him sleep in our bed for awhile until he got over it. We didn't bring it up, talk about it, etc. If he started up about "monsters" we re-routed the conversation...

In other words, we tried to limit the discussion and keep it low key as much as possible.

mama speak said...

Soooo...what did you try? Or did the monsters win?

creative-type dad said...

mama speak -- I won! For now...

Octopus Grigori -- I laughed, and then I cried.

BookMomma -- I don't even know what to say. Hiding poop in the washing machine is just wrong on so many levels...

TK Kerouac -- I don't know what your saying because apparently you're taking a shower...

Denguy -- Great idea! And I tried it...with strange results.

Amrita said...

You are too good Tony

Beverly said...

The blanket thing works because the monsters can't SEE you under there. That was clearly explained to me by my son when he was younger.

Danielle said...

Oh my god! New here- you are cracking me up!!! Thanks for laugh!!! I can't breathe!!

Can't help you on the monster front... we haven't been there yet.

Anonymous said...

I only hope I'm not too late. Much of the previous advice is anecdotal and in the realm of "home remedies". For solid science-based help it's best to rely on a professional.

To solve your problem it is only necesasry to remember that monsters always giggle when they hear the word "underwear". This effect is enhanced if the key word is spoken within a rhyme. Some of the most common professionally recommended examples are:

Monster monster if you're there
What color is your underwear?

Monster monster do you wear
Polka-dotted underwear?

etc.

Best of luck.

Zach said...

I don't know if you have one but my dad had a gun. He just carried it around the house as we checked everywhere. Then when he said he found one, he said he had it trapped and told me to close my eyes because I didn't want to see this. Then he acted like it took off running and chased it outside. Then he shot the shotgun, I 'spose in the air, and when I came outside he said he had shot it. Worked for me. :)

Norbert said...

When my kids get scared i pull out the "Good Dream Cream." I rub a spot of skin cream on their foreheads and tell them that removes bad dream and protects them from monsters.

Works like a charm. 3 kids.

Clay said...

THe way my wifes family handled this was by letting the dog be the protector. If the kids were scared they got to sleep with the dog or could have the dog check it out

Kevin said...

my advice would be to do some research on your cultural heritage. People have found ways to deal with "monsters," bad dreams, spirits, and everything else for thousands of years (probably tens of thousands). Look to see what your ancestors did... superstitions, and such. Then, teach that to your kid. It might seem silly, but it's still part of your cultural heritage, and ... truth be told? ... i still use charms and stuff relevant to my cultural heritage to keep bad things away. I know it's crazy, but i never had a bad dream in my old house 'til the night before we moved, when I took down my charms and packed them away.

Anonymous said...

Do you play video games? When my daughter was 3 she started the monster thing, i asked her were they good monsters or bad monsters she said bad, so I asked her what mommie does to bad guys, She promply said oh yeah Mommie kills the bad guys (in video games) and that took care of it. Mommie kills bad guys so there are no bad huys in our house.

Anonymous said...

Give your kids a can of Lysol air freshener and tell them it's "monster spray". Not only will they be confident they are ridding their rooms of monsters, it freshens up the whole house in the process. Worked for me!

Anonymous said...

I insist that I have a sign on the house (that only monsters can see) telling them that they can't come in.

Daniel Berns said...

Try tell your boys that the monsters are scared of MAMMY, and wouldn't DARE come in the house

KC said...

For helpful advice see the opening of the BBC TV Movie Hogswatch by Terry Pratchet or read the first chapter of the book. Very effective methods are shown there. And its a good laugh to boot.

Anonymous said...

Get a few small and not very bright nightlights that plug into wall outlets... Make sure it is completely different from any that you already have. Call these 'shark lights' - it's a good name, trust me. Position them to illuminate under beds and scary places. Exhibit complete confidence that the 'shark lights' will eliminate the monsters, just smile and nod.

Sidnifred said...

Tell her that monsters are afraid of kung fu and then pull some serious ninja.

I have always been the one encouraging belief in said monsters... just in case. I convinced the neighborhood kids and my brother that I am a vampire. Nothing gets quiet like a rumbling stomach or an unsuccessful search in the fridge for food.

Consider the wonderful alternatives before shutting down her dark imagination so quickly.

Josh said...

I would reccomend sitting at the foot of thier bed with a loaded shotgun just in case. Forget night-lights, as they lose thier appeal when wrapped in aluminium foil and turned on... zap.... no joke :(

chorlick said...

When we were kids and the sitcom Dinosaurs was still running it used to scare the bejeesus out of my little sister, that's why we invented monster spray. Simply buy a can of potpourri and glue some glitter or ribbons to it and spray your monsters away. Works everytime. Monsters hate sweet smelling potpourri.

Anonymous said...

I did my penny magic trick for my niece. I told her to put the penny under her bed and it would keep the monsters away. And...if she looses the penny I can always "create" another one by doing the magic trick again!

Anonymous said...

Our house also has a problem with monsters and bad guys. Unfortunately, our daughter is 9, so the trick to getting rid of bad guys is somewhat sophisticated and tricky.

My husband made a special magnetic force field/shield box. When activated, a special force field shields our daughter so anyone with bad intent can't penetrate it and 'get her.' On the other hand, someone with good intent (like me, for tucking in at bedtime) CAN penetrate it. The box has two switches that operate little lights, and another switch that operates a fan. Just above the fan is a heart shaped dish (everyone knows that hearts have special power) that can hold scented oils, which also adds to the shield's power. There is also a number pad, and our daughter has programmed in her secret code that activates the unit. The box also has crystals on it, which further enhance its power. There are magnets on the inside of the unit, and paperclips easily demonstrate their awesome power.

My love did a great job on this, and I haven't heard of any problems with bad guys... so far!

creative-type dad said...

Anonymous (with the box) -- What a great idea. The crystals really adds that extra punch.

Sade said...

When I was little, I was terrified of monsters; aliens to be specific. Anyway, ambient lighting really did it for me. I had a string of christmas lights that ran along the baseboard by my bed that were used as a night light.

The light was comforting and just enough for me to see the room, so that if I heard something strange in the night, it wasn't pitch black. Monsters love the dark.

I love the "go get mommy GO GET MOMMY!", but oh man, you'll be paying for that one for years. ^_^

If your daughter is the one that creates something anti-monster, be it a charm that protects her, a painting of a funny face that will scare the monster away, or a special spray bottle, things like that will be the most effective. We all have to learn to conquer monsters, as the monsters are usually of our own making. Also, telling her that she is always stronger than monsters, --that's excellent.

Best of luck!