What To Do When There Are Monsters Attacking The House…

I’m not telling, I’m asking.

According to my 4-year old monsters keep attacking our house every night and according to her the only way to keep them away is to stay up late, sleep in our bed, eat Root Beer floats, and watch cartoons.

I think she’s lying because I do most of that already.
Well maybe not all of that. Just replace cartoons with ‘Glee’ and the ‘new’ Melrose Place (don’t judge me.)

Oddly enough this is the first time we’ve ever has to deal with nightmares. My daughter has never had any up to this point before, even, after that one incident we had awhile back with monsters behind our sofa. Or that incident with the Potty Training when I told her monsters ate poop in diapers and that’s why she needed to use the toilet.

Or that one time we watch some of Pirates of the Caribbean together.

Or that time we took her to a Tom Jones concert.

Or that time we watched Rambo. But she wasn’t really paying attention anyway because we were too busy playing Blackjack.

I just don’t get it?

So like the practiced and skilled father that I am, I stepped back from the situation and did some well-researched, logical, scientific studies on just what are the primary causes of children’s nightmares.

What Causes Children to Have Nightmares:

1. Mom and Dad NOT locking the door
2. Kevin Costner babysitting puppies
   
3. Major events like starting a new school, divorce, death in the family, or new sibling
4. Mom and Dad NOT locking the door
5. Recent firing of Walt Disney Studios president Dick Cook
6. The entire state of California on FIRE all the time
7. Mom and Dad NOT locking the door
8. Zombies attacking Orlando, Florida while on vacation there
9. Lady Gaga
10. Typhoons, earthquakes, mudslides, floods, and train derailments
11. The Halloween display at Target
12. Mom and Dad NOT locking the door

So now that I know the causes, I came up with some quick solutions…


How to Get Rid of Children’s Nightmares:

1. Mom and Dad taking the time to LOCK the door
2. The horn of a unicorn and crystal necklace
3. Spraying the room with monster repellant (plain water)
4. Leaving an uneaten box of KFC popcorn chicken downstairs before going to bed
5. Child signing affidavit that they won’t whine or cry when getting ready in the morning until age 18
6. Stranding Kevin Costner on an island with no movie camera, electricity, and friends

Any other suggestions?

Hello My Name Is Tony... I Have A Poop Obsessed Child. AND The Monster Is In The Mail

I’m still not sure what caused this fascination. Was it telling my daughter that Santa only brings gifts to toilet users? Maybe it was the time I told her that Elmo cries every time she poops in her pants? Or maybe, just maybe, it began when I told her a pooped filled diaper was like KFC to monsters and it made them visit our house like a drive-thru with junk-mail coupons?

Yes, I think that’s what did it and now everything is poop to her these days.

In the car: Look!! Car making POO-PEE!
Eating ice cream: HA! HA! Dad-DEE….Poo-Pee! POOOO-PEEE!
While in the bathroom: (Knock! Knock!) Dad-DEE…you making POOO-PEE!
Watching TV: Mickey going Poooo-PEE??
At the market: (virtually yelling) Where’s Poo-Peeeee!? Poooo-Pee, where are you?
At the dog: Doggy! You make Poo-Pee??
When eating: Poo-Pee! Poo-Pee! Pooooo-peeeee!

So my question is – with all this talk? Why doesn’t she use the toilet?!

How To Catch A Monster?
Actually, it was pretty easy. When my daughter woke up from her nap I told her I caught it while she was sleeping and then showed her a sealed envelope with a picture tucked inside.
We then took a walk to the mailbox and she dropped it in. Done!

Oh yeah, this is what the monster looked like:
And we sent it to its owner:

And then she asked if the monster had made poo-pee.

Exterminator Wanted! Apparently My House Is Infested With Monsters

Can anybody give me a referral? Because I’ve had this conversation with my daughter about 500 times this past week:

Daughter: DAD-DEE!!!!
Me: Whatup buttercup?
Daughter: Scary Monster…
Me: Where?
Daughter: Over there
Me: Where?
Daughter: Ohhhhhhh--VER THERE!!!

What I shouldn’t have done the first time she said this:
Walk over, poke behind the sofa, said “dear God, what the…!!!” then grab my arm, scream and flip myself over yelling “GO GET MOMMY!! GO GET MOMMY!!! AAHHHHH!!!”

I expect social services to arrive at my door any second now.

Sometimes I forget she’s only 2. It’s easy these days - she can say her ABC’s, count to 20, knows the entire lyrics to “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” and “Hot Dog” (from Mickey Mouse clubhouse.) She’s practically all grown up, except for that pooping on the potty thing. But hey, plenty of adults don't quite get that, right?
The wife doesn’t agree. Now I’m tasked with, as she calls it “ridding the house of monsters that won’t do anymore harm to our daughter that I’ve already produced.”

So I came up with a few ideas on how to get rid of these monsters....

How to get rid of monsters without resorting to expensive exorcisms: Toddler Edition

1. Radioactive Holy Water. Put some water in an old saltshaker and microwave it. Sprinkle around the doors and windows.

2. Wear a Blanket over the head. Everybody knows monsters can’t penetrate blankets. Don’t ask me to explain it; I just know it has something to do with the law of physics and gambling.

3. Monster Trap. Put some M&M’s on a plate with a box over it and stick & rope trigger (ala: Roadrunner) OR leave the TV on with M&M’s in front of it and the monster will get “sucked in.” Make sure Dora or the Doodlebops is on.


Does anybody else have any other ideas on getting rid of monsters? Just in case...