2010 Will Be Better!

December is finally over.

In 4 short weeks we’ve been through my wife’s graduation, a week at Disney World, a long in-law visit, our car (2005 MINI cooper) engine dying out of nowhere, 2 more family members losing their homes, and then sudden passing of one of my oldest and closest friends’ grandmother.

It’s been a very tough month.

Thankfully 2009 ended on something to be cheerful about, we had our first ultrasound last week and we’re having a BOY! Everything seems to be there, in working order and he’s growing just fine and is on target for spring. We couldn’t be more thrilled to have a girl and a boy. Although it would have been a little nice to have a boy first when we were younger to catch up to him, but hey I’m not complaining.
Ultrasound visits are always surreal. There’s just no way to even explain that ecstatic feeling of seeing your baby for the first time - even though he’s in black and white and looks like on some 1950’s submarine radar screen – just getting that glimpse is amazing. And then they switch to that 4D mode and then you’d swear that you’re living in the future (like in 2001), seeing things so clearly that we could count his fingers and toes.

On the way home with our daughter in the back talking about all of things she’s going to share with her baby brother and how nice she’s going to be to him forever (yes, I should have recorded it) the wife and I talked about how it’s been nearly 5 years since we went through all of this new baby stuff and how much we’ve forgotten in that short amount of time. Just the thought of diapers, night feedings, taking the stroller everywhere, getting kicked in the groin by the Baby Bjorn rider, diaper bag being dragged all over the place, and my ultimate fear: potty training – that alone just scares me all over again.

But then again this time around I have real world experience with child #1. I have my parenting skills down unlike before where everything was by trial and error. Lots of errors but trying my best and I think she's turning out just fine.

And unlike child #1, this will work on #2…

"Every time you poop in your pants, Elmo cries.
Don't make Elmo Cry!"

Potty Training Success! And Speaking of Poop, “The Oscars”

Guess what? I have a nearly potty-trained 2 and a half-year-old. That’s right, and it only took a little over a year - well, if you count my first attempt at 18-months.
Yes, I know there are some that can potty train a 3-month old; it’s not like I haven’t gotten the emails, comments, etc. with statements like “it’s easy! I did it and BILLIONS have too, just buy my book...” I’m sure they have and God bless them for it. But as I soon found out, kids come in all kinds of varieties and you just have to adjust the training based on their personality.

For instance, some toddlers don’t want Elmo to cry every time they go poop in their pants; in my daughter’s case, she wanted to see Elmo cry. Which makes me wonder a little….

Anyhow, what worked was just having her run around the house pantless and to have plenty of cleaning supplies around. We offered stickers as a reward for pee, and hung a fancy Princess dress over the toilet for poop. Once she poops, she gets to run around the house for a while in the dress, yelling such things as “I’m Sleeping Booty! I’m Sleeping Booty!”

And then I give her money for her piggy bank. The wife taught her what money is and to ask me for it. Which reminds me, I still have to thank her for that…

We did get some “scares” - one day she didn’t do anything for nearly 7 hours; that was a little creepy. She kept asking for a diaper and I stuck to my guns and kept refusing. I thought she was going to explode given all the gas she was passing. I kept trying to avoid her backside just in case anything came shooting out like a bullet… maybe leaving a hole in the wall with a view of the backyard.

She eventually pooped. When I picked her up, I swear she had lost about 9 pounds.

The Oscars – The Only Time I Yell At The TV Like A Drunk Ex-Football Coach
Did anybody watch the Oscars?

I still can't believe “No Country for Old Men” won Best Picture. Talk about a HUGE disappointment. A good premise, build-up, and good performances (Javier Bardem – great!) and then completely ruined by a stupid ending that made absolutely no sense. I had to skip back on our screener and watch it again because the wife and I thought we missed something.

My advice if you see the movie, walk out or turn it off 10 minutes before it ends (when Josh Brolin drives into the motel.) If not, be prepared to get an explanation by somebody who “read the book.”
Apparently, the requirement is to have read the book to enjoy their movies now.

I recommend the other MUCH better films such as The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Juno, or Away from Her.

Now it's time to put Sleeping Booty to bed and open some windows...

Super Tuesday, Super Bowl, Super Absorbent

Even though I vote, I don’t like politics. I see it as a necessary evil, kind of like Tom Cruise – he’s annoying but most of his movies are entertaining.
The speeches, listening to NPR, watching the ‘live’ news coverage last night just keeps reiterating that it’s all just a big obnoxious show.

One of these days I want to start my own country. Maybe an island somewhere in the South Pacific where I can just name myself King (wearing Ray-Bans, big gold chains, velour tracksuit, white sneakers) and I could cut a deal with KFC to provide my people with Spicy Chicken and free health care. And the big export would be $8 bottled water with some cool name like “Sexy POW-AH Energy Water” that prevents hair loss, promotes weight loss, cures erectile dysfunction, and is loaded with anti-oxidants from Acai that prevents aging and car accidents.
I would have best county on Earth.

Super Bowl party - Don’t Forget Your Huggies
We went to a Super Bowl party on Sunday –

Disclosure:
Before you all start thinking I’m smashing beer cans on my head now and watching Football rest assured, I am not. Football still makes no sense to me.

This was a party with entertainment industry-types and the purpose was to smooze, drink food and wine that we all couldn’t pronounce, and watch commercials.
And yes, in case you’re wondering I did bring a bucket of KFC.

I was chatting with some fellow parents about this horrible experience called Potty Training. Giving them a rundown of my failed attempts, pleading and asking for advice, secrets, and voodoo, whatever it takes to make a child use the toilet.
The advice rolled in:

Mom #1: We didn’t start until my son was 4. It was just too much trouble.
Mom #2: Don’t sweat it. She’ll let you know when she’s ready. My daughter started kindergarten and is still wearing a Pull-Up.
Dad/Mom: Our son is 7 years old and he still wears a Pull-Up. No big deal. Some others kids in his class still wear them – it’s normal.

(Twilight theme music song starts)

Started at 4? Kindergarten? 7 year olds 'still' wearing Pull-Ups?!?! Are you kidding me!? Parents? Please tell me this isn’t true. And if it is – lie to me. Lie like you’ve never lied before.

I had a dream where my daughter was about to take her wedding pictures; she quickly stopped in her tracks and then asked my wife to change her Pull-Up. I woke up screaming in a cold sweat...

Hello My Name Is Tony... I Have A Poop Obsessed Child. AND The Monster Is In The Mail

I’m still not sure what caused this fascination. Was it telling my daughter that Santa only brings gifts to toilet users? Maybe it was the time I told her that Elmo cries every time she poops in her pants? Or maybe, just maybe, it began when I told her a pooped filled diaper was like KFC to monsters and it made them visit our house like a drive-thru with junk-mail coupons?

Yes, I think that’s what did it and now everything is poop to her these days.

In the car: Look!! Car making POO-PEE!
Eating ice cream: HA! HA! Dad-DEE….Poo-Pee! POOOO-PEEE!
While in the bathroom: (Knock! Knock!) Dad-DEE…you making POOO-PEE!
Watching TV: Mickey going Poooo-PEE??
At the market: (virtually yelling) Where’s Poo-Peeeee!? Poooo-Pee, where are you?
At the dog: Doggy! You make Poo-Pee??
When eating: Poo-Pee! Poo-Pee! Pooooo-peeeee!

So my question is – with all this talk? Why doesn’t she use the toilet?!

How To Catch A Monster?
Actually, it was pretty easy. When my daughter woke up from her nap I told her I caught it while she was sleeping and then showed her a sealed envelope with a picture tucked inside.
We then took a walk to the mailbox and she dropped it in. Done!

Oh yeah, this is what the monster looked like:
And we sent it to its owner:

And then she asked if the monster had made poo-pee.

Back from Disney World…I Need a Vacation!

When I finally rested my head on my own pillow at 2 am last night, I reflected on the last 7 days:

Things I didn’t enjoy:
-Spending about $50 on popcorn because my daughter became addicted to the stuff like it was crack.
-Dodging and getting hit by “extremely overweight people” on those little rascal motor scooters!
-Florida weather turning on us: 55 daytime high, 39 nighttime low in the middle of our vacation!! (what gives?!)

A few things I’m going to remember forever:
-My daughter asking for popcorn at every popcorn cart -“I want popcorn” in a low-voice, over and over again. I counted 48 one time.
-Eating lunch in “the castle” with the Princesses at Cinderella’s Royal Table. My daughter loved this.
-Flying 800,000 miles to Disney World from L.A. and what’s my daughter’s favorite ride? The playground.
-Daughter falling asleep at the Epcot Candlelight Procession during the trumpet blowing part, and then waking up suddenly afterwards when somebody dropped their drink.
-My daughter bumping her head at the Epcot’s Canada pavilion, then saying in tears “Daddy! I bump my head on Canada!!”

And for those who are thinking of going, some recommendations (of course they all have to do with food…):
Teppan Edo (Japanese Restaurant) at Epcot. I’ve been to Japan and I never saw any cooktop show this fancy.
Le Cellier (Canadian Restaurant) at Epcot. Oh. My. God. This was the BEST steak I’ve ever had. You Canadians sure know how to make meat! If you all eat like this, I’m moving.
Boma (Animal Kingdom Lodge) Oddly enough, this was a buffet. I usually HATE buffets, but the food was awesome – Exotic African foods from, I think, 6 or 50 countries...
Spirit of Aloha Dinner Show (Polynesian Resort) Nothing against Kauai, but this show was better than the crap we saw out there. And the fire guy must have been on drugs because I swear he practically lit himself on fire. And the food was pretty good too - especially the BBQ pork ribs.
California Grill (Contemporary Resort) On the fence with this one -- the view is amazing and the service was great. And they were especially accommodating for a toddler -- when our bread came out, they brought her Goldfish crackers on a fancy dish. And her 4-cheese pizza was tasty. The big downside are the prices.

Potty Training Update: Don’t Do It At Disney World…
God knows I tried...
1st attempt -- We were waiting in line to see Goofy and he had to leave for 5 minutes (we were told to get Hot Cocoa, in reality to switch people.) I told my daughter Goofy had to go poopy on the potty.
She told me Santa was bringing him presents.

2nd attempt -- During the Princess lunch, the wife took her to use the Royal Restroom (yes, they have them in the castle.) I told my daughter that’s were all the Princesses go poopy on the potty.
She came back and said she didn't see any in there. Apparently, she went looking under the stalls.

3rd attempt -- We were waiting in line to see Pluto and he had to leave for a 5 minute break. I told my daughter Pluto had to go poopy on the potty.
She told me “NO, doggies go poopy on the floor!!!”

"Watch your step, Pluto poops around here..."

What To Do When A Child Stops Believing In Santa?! And Kids Birthday Parties Marathon

Yes I know I haven’t posted in awhile but between getting ready for Christmas, prepping for our Disney World vacation in two days, and the 5 birthday parties (3 in one day!) we’ve been to in the last week alone -- their isn’t much time for anything else.

The most interesting birthday party of the bunch was a Scooby Doo themed one in "the hills" with a Scooby and Shaggy impersonator.

During their whole comedy routine about 99% of the parents (entertainment-types) were standing in a nearby tennis court networking while this one mom and I were sitting near our scared kids. They were pretty frightened of the Scooby Doo -- I think maybe because his costume looked like it had a rough night in Tijuana, or maybe because he was holding his tail like a baton and would start hitting kids on the head with it.
When he came close to my daughter she jumped up, screamed and ran away into the crowd of schmoozing parents.

The best part was hearing these two sugared-out kids talk to Scooby:

Boy#1: (around 5 or 6) Hey Scoob! Do you smell your own butt?!
Scooby: (in his breathy Scooby voice) Whaaaat?
Boy#2: (around 5 or 6) Hey Scooby! You’re not going to smell my butt, are you?!”

(all the nearby children start laughing like the Charlie Brown/Peanuts kids…)

Scooby: (in a Brooklyn accent) Leave me alone kid.


Potty Training Update: The Santa Method

My patent-pending Santa Motivation Method (code named: S.M.M.) is starting to lose steam. I’m not sure where I went wrong, but my daughter doesn’t seem to care anymore about Santa bringing her presents on Christmas by going poop on the potty (Darn! A kid stopped believing – what do I do!? What do I do…!?)

In desperation, I made it a point to pass by Santa Claus in the mall today. Standing near the flimsy cardboard fence I knelt down to her level, and in a calm voice gave my recurring line “Remember, Santa only gives presents if you do poopy on the potty…all the time”

She looked at me, and then him. I could tell the wheels were turning (Come on, come one…take the bait...)
She looked me straight in the eyes and excitedly said, “That’s O.K., Santa bringing YOU lots of PRESENTS!!”

Potty Training Idea #87: Coloring Pages That Use "The Power Of The Mind."

The way things have been going there’s no doubt in my mind that I’ll have the first Jr. high kid EVER that hasn't been potty trained.

Recently some friends gave me a dvd called “Potty Power” that did wonders for their 2.5 year-old. She watched it a few times and like magic was “instantly” using the toilet like a 67 year-old running into the house after a visit to Hometown Buffet.
The video is actually quite good. The songs are so catchy that I often find myself singing them in boring meetings at work (“no more diapers for me…yeah, yeah…”)
Unlike other potty videos, kids actually use the toilet in it - imagine that! All while singing, dancing around, yelling “Potty Power” with their arms in the air like Che Guevara revolutionaries.... it's all very exciting.
So exciting that my daughter pooped in her diaper while watching the DVD (hmmm... maybe I should move the TV into the bathroom...?)

While changing her diaper she threw her arms up in the air and yelled “POTTY POWER!!”

Do you think they would arrest me if I duct taped a potty chair to my toddler’s butt?

So now I’ve come up with another creative method – coloring pages. Because really, what toddler doesn’t like coloring pages? Only toddlers whose parents deprive them of basic necessities like clothes, a place to sleep, fried chicken and maybe air.

Here are a few coloring pages that I’ve made to reinforce the use of the potty. Feel free to use these for "the cause":

"Poop in the potty and a magical unicorn will visit" - coloring page

"Every time you poop in your pants, Elmo cries. Don't make Elmo Cry!" - coloring pageWith some duct tape and these -- this potty training business could be pretty easy. How's that for "Potty Power!"...?

I Want to Outsource Potty Training

This potty training business is MUCH harder than I thought. And it seems everybody I talk to has some advice on the issue - even those with kids who are 40 and those who don't have any. This one woman at work was telling me what I should do because she “potty trained” her dog and that made her qualified as a “pet-parent."

And then there are those parents who want convince me that their kid is Doogie Houser, like this one mom I chatted with at a birthday party on Saturday who told me that her 13-month old daughter uses the potty “all the time” followed by “and how old is yours…?”
I told her that her baby should be on “That’s Incredible!” She gave me a weird look, I think only because she’s too young to have ever seen “That’s Incredible!”

Things we've tried so far:

1. Potty Party: She pooped once and then she was over the party business
2. Bribing with Candy: Worked once, and that's about it. And I’m weary about giving her too much candy going down this path.
3. Toilet DVDs: We picked up that Elmo one where Elmo sits on the pot once and then talks and sings about it for 30 minutes. It didn't work, she’s 2 not 5. And did you know Elmo has a dad?
4. Lead by example: Going with mommy, and locking the door when it’s my turn (she walked in on me once and it totally confused her)
5. Diaper-less: She had no qualms about just going anywhere.
6. Wearing Underwear: Still goes OR holds it until she gets a diaper before going to bed.
7. Potty Books: Nothing. I finding these books to be a sham since it seems they’re geared more for 4 or 5 year-olds or even just the adults buying them. They don’t show enough doing because they get caught up in some long-winded story.

Now I’m starting to use unconventional methods:

1. Monsters, Inc (movie): She LOVES this movie, although she thinks Sully is Cookie Monster no matter how many times I tell her he’s his cousin. There’s this one part where Boo goes to the toilet then I tell my daughter “See! Boo uses the potty…” This gets her to go sit on the toilet.
2. Princesses: I’m not sure when or how it happened, but my daughter is really into princesses -I think it's because they can talk to animals and they wear “pretty” dresses. Anyhow she really wants a dress, but we keep telling her princesses use the potty. This gets her to sit, but nothing else.
3. Old School: My great-grandmother potty-trained me and about 18 cousins in one day by going “old world” on them. Feeding them salty crackers, making them drink water, even feeding them dried fruit to make them go and pretty much sitting them on the toilet all day. I’m not sure which village she was in, but apparently they did this when kids were between 18-24 months because there was no such thing as disposable diapers. I tried a version staying home all day, but it didn’t work. It was just messy and a whole lot of whining. When I did put the diaper on for the night, she pooped.
4. My own Potty Picture Book: I’m making strange little illustrations (I’m an artist remember?) of nothing but everybody and their mama sitting on the toilet. Kids, princesses, astronauts, teachers, monkeys, everything. Current books don't do enough. I know my daughter sits when she sees, not because of the story, so I’m hoping this will assist in the endeavor.
5. Peer-Pressure: Her cousins go to school and so does the crazy 4-year old next door that she idolizes. She really wants to go, but we keep telling her school means using the toilet. I’m not one for peer-pressure, but it seems to be having an influence.
6. Outsource: I’m looking…(India?)

Parents, any unconventional methods that worked? I’m having nightmares about having a 7 year old eating nothing but chili beans and still wearing diapers... and Huggies adding me to their VIP club.

Potty Training: There’s A Party In The Bathroom. Bring Margaritas.

There was a party in my bathroom this morning along with singing, cheering, clapping, candy, even The Wiggles showed up (well, not really only their songs playing in the background.) all because my daughter FINALLY went poop in the toilet – and it only took 2 years and 21 days.
The look on her face will be ingrained in my memory forever – staring at us, and then in the toilet - she looked as if she won the lottery, or maybe had pooped out a Doodlebop (that sang while tooting a horn and eating a Taco.) Once she got her candy prize she danced all along the house showing every stuffed animal and the dog her candy and repeated her poop story (over and over...)
The wife and I are pleased since we’ve been trying this potty training business off and on for about 3 months, and got more stringent after her 2nd birthday. Our first attempt was at 18-months which was pretty much a failed week long attempt (yeah-yeah, I know there are some of you that claim to have potty-trained your 4-month year old – good for you. Your kid will probably perform surgeries in 1st grade – mine won’t – I fully accept your magical powers...send me your poster, I'll put in on the wall)

Now the big question is – is she going to continue the toilet use or is this some kind of “1-time deal” until she’s 8? I honestly don’t know. I guess I’ll have to see as the week goes on.

I’m asking all fellow parents who have successfully potty-trained their kids - any helpful hints, secrets, ideas, stories? I’m open to any and all suggestions, except any that require sacrificing animals to Dora. Or listening to Kenny G.
And for those of you who are in the process of unsuccessful potty training - please don’t rain on my parade telling me that kids can’t use the bathroom until they’re 12. This isn’t a jab at your efforts or parenting – I know all toddlers are different (just like A Doodlebop’s or a Wiggle’s talent.)

Randomness: First Circus, Potty Training Part 2, Mommy MBA, and 80’s Sitcoms

First Visit To The Circus
Ringling Bros and Bartles & James Circus is in downtown L.A. this week and we're going tomorrow. The last time I went to see a circus was, I think, in 1980 (give or take.) and it wasn’t even a real one. It was in this place east of L.A. and I remember it had Mexican midget acrobats, Nacho Libre clowns, and scared animals. They sold Churro’s (tasty) and Horchita (probably made by the animals) instead of popcorn and cotton candy. We had gone because my dad was able to get some big discount on the tickets (he would go anywhere if there was a discount attached, even if it meant sitting near the smoking gorillas.)
Anyhow, we thought it would be fun to take my daughter to a real circus. And maybe I wanted to go too.

An actual conversion with my daughter:

Me: Wanna go to the CIRCUS?
Daughter: O.K.

Me: There are animals at the Circus

Daughter: ANIM-MALS?

Me: Yup! Real animals, like… Elephants, Tigers, Bears, Clowns…

Daughter: …and MONKEYS?!! Yeah Monkeys!!! I wanna see monkeys, Dad-DEE... MONKEYS!!

Friday is going to be fun...

Potty Training: Part 2
Now that my daughter is 2, we’re kicking the potty training into high gear. We first tried at 18 months, which pretty much trained her to walk the diaper over to the throne, dump the goods (with help), flush, and then cheer. And then there were maybe those 100 instances where she sits on the throne, sings, flips through a book, gets down, diaper goes on…5 minutes later poops/pees. Then tells us she pooped/pee.
Now I’m to the point of bribing. If she goes once on the potty - even a drop, I told here that I’d buy her a BIG pink pony - one that flys, and makes candy!

Mom's And MBA's
My wife was recently accepted into Pepperdine University’s MBA program and I couldn’t be happier for her. From her calculations she’ll graduate in about 3 years, which seems like a long time just knowing our daughter will be starting kindergarten by then. Have any parents out there juggled going back to school with family/work? Advice...stories

80’s Sitcom’s: On The Internet
I have a new addiction - some genius decided to put 5-minute versions of the best 80’s TV shows on the Internet. Now I can watch “Facts of Life”, “Silver Spoons”, "Diff'Rent Strokes", "Fantasy Island", “What’s Happening” (did you know Rerun almost got married? I KNOW!) and one of my personal favorites – “Who’s The Boss.”
I have some requests for more that would be perfect 5-minute episodes - "Small Wonder", "Mama's Family", "Charles In Charge", "Brady Bunch", "Perfect Strangers", "Family Ties", "Growing Pains", "Golden Girls" and "Alf" (haaaaa!) Any other requests?

When Mommy’s Gone, It’s Gummy Bears and Ice Cream for Breakfast (Hooray!)

Single parents, I empathize with you. I just don’t understand how in the world do you do it. And especially those with small kids --- you people are either crazy or deserve a medal (and a cookie -- a good one too...like from Nordstrom's, or J.C. Penny's)

The wife’s job sent her to Canada early Sunday morning and pretty much left me to play the role of single parent for a few days. Which meant more 'daddy and daughter time' other than my normal one day a week when the wife is studying for her GMAT. I do pretty well on those days. In fact, some might say almost at a 'professional' level.
I didn’t do too bad on the first solo day (piece of cake!), did alright on the second (how in the world am I going to get these tangles out of her hair!), and today, well now I’m counting the hours until the wife gets back. This morning I forgot “the stinky blanket” (the whole world stops if “the stinky blanket” isn’t around) and gave in to her breakfast demands of popcorn ("crackcorn" as she calls it.)
Today when our sitter saw my daughter she told me that she could tell mommy wasn’t around (How? Can she smell the Chicken McNuggets odor?)

It’s tough doing simple things that I once took for granted, like going to the bathroom in peace. Unless, of course, I want to hear screams (DAD-DEEEEE!!!) accompanied by pounding and little fingers and toes sliding under the closed door like an alien trying to attack and then eat me.

No sir-ee, it just ain’t right.

Yesterday while my daughter was playing in her toy kitchen I made a run for the “Loo”, the screaming followed me (HA! - I can still run faster!) When I closed and locked the door behind me the yelling stopped followed by a mysterious silence (is she alright? Maybe I should check on her…? But I really, really have to go...it's been , like 2 days and I ate Chili Beans for breakfast---why!?) Then she slid her poopie book (the potty training one we use when we put her on the toilet) under the door and said “Daddeee here, poo-peeee!” and then I heard feet running back to her room while singing her poopie song.

That was weird...

I still haven’t been able to take away “the stinky blanker” to throw it in the washer machine (she sleeps with it in a tight kung-foo grip.) I still can’t fix her hair -- It’s just not humanly possible! She's looking like a mini version of Phil Spector. And her diet consist of popcorn, goldfish, tortilla chips, and freezed-dried peas (Yes! veggies...success!!)
The wife is sure going to love me when she gets back.

I Think I Just Scarred My Daughter For Life

This morning before leaving for work, I made a quick stop to the bathroom with the door partially open and went about my business. I usually don’t leave the door open just because I’m private like that and these days the wife and I have been in potty training mode with the daughter (I don’t want to confuse her.)

While relieving myself, eyes up on a spider web on the ceiling corner, humming a little Bee-Gee’s tune (don’t ask), I hear a small voice beside me “Da-DEE??” There’s my daughter, standing right next to me, holding her blanket, eyes popped out with a confused look on her face as if I just pulled a monkey out of my butt (and maybe an Doodlebop too.)

(…don’t scare her, be calm, no big deal…)

I was scrambling to finish-up midstream and at the same time a little angry that I drank so much juice earlier…

Me: Where’s mommy? Go to mommy – mommy has some crackcorn, I mean 'popcorn'… or cookies…

Daughter: “I want UP! – I want UP!” (running into me with arms up) I waaaant UPPPPPPP!!!”

Me: I can’t pick you up, go find mommy, go to mommy…..mommy has ice cream!!

maneuvering butt to block child from toilet and pee......(there's more?...how can there be more...!!)

Now all I can think about is how I might be getting a called from some police station in Bakersfield, in 15 years, hearing that my daughter held up a liquor store, all because of the 'peeing incident' when she was 1.

If Animals Can Use Toilets, Why Not My 18-Month Old?

O.K. so the wife and I are going to start the challenge into this vast unknown world scientifically called “crap in the john and wipe your own butt”. Our daughter is closing in on 18-months in a few days and we’re desperate end the diaper thing – not only are they harmful to landfills (I think they kill rats, pigeons, possums choke on the Velcro or the character's images, whatever), but the contents are looking too much like horse poop (maybe somebody else is feeding her on the side, I don’t know) this diaper things needs to end now.

We’ve been asking fellow parents we trust, you know, the ones where their kids seem to be doing fine - mastering the skill and all - and I’ve been skimming the blogs for advice on potty training the last few days. The wife and I have gotten books but they seem to be all over the place, and I question a 65-year old pediatrician whose own kids are in there 40’s – I don’t know about you all but I think that’s a little out of touch with today. My wife and I really don’t read those parenting magazines anymore because they’re all mostly written by freaks who think that a kid showing up to kindergarten in Pull-Up isn’t a 'bad thing' as long as the kid feels “loved” (I’m generalizing, yes).

I want real advice from real parents, so I’m asking for your Jedi secrets, tips, hints, bribe methods, voodoo, tools (tin buckets, Big Gulp cups, plastic thrones with candy dispensers…) etc. I’m open to anything except the ‘letting the kid tell you when she’s ready’ method, because frankly there’s something really bizarre about that to me.

We had a party a year ago and some friends’ 4-year old kid went under a table (she announced to us all that she needed to poop) stunk up the room (pretty much ended the eating thing), and then demanded her dad change her Pull-Up and then asked for ice cream (which she got). Then our 'friends' (who we don't see hardly anymore...) told everybody that she wasn't ready yet to use the toilet (hmmm, I wonder why?) God, I don’t want that to ever happen…