Thursday, May 10, 2007

HELP! Aliens Abducted My Sweet Baby Girl And Replaced Her With A Toddler!

Hurry! Call Moulder, Oprah, Velma, Inspector Gadget, Antonio Villaraigosa, and maybe even Dr. Spock (you know the one with the elf ears.)

I think the incident happened sometime last weekend; I’m not sure exactly when, maybe while I was sleeping , or ordering some popcorn chicken at KFC (darn you KFC! First my chicken changes and then my kid!) My daughter began doing the most peculiar things - things completely out of the ordinary that were unheard of 2 weeks ago.
The weird part is that she still looks the same, my pleasant little baby girl (perhaps a little taller, less baby dimples around the arms and knees...) with that laugh and smile that makes me melt into a big softy. But now, there’s this shift in attitude as if something takes over her brain and turns it into a demanding teenager -- and she’s not even 2 yet! It just doesn’t make any sense... (head in hands)

---Morning---
(Peeking into her room slowly)

Me: Good morning!
Daughter: (happy. confusion. then eyes turn red) I WANT MOMMY! I WANT MOMMMMMY!!!

(wife comes in calmly, picks her up. still for 2 seconds....hisses at me…)

Daughter: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I WANT DADDY! I WANT DADDY!! (dark clouds form in room, fire engages from mouth, stuffed animals burning in hot lava – starts speaking in latin "Necronomcon ex Mortis…")

---Lunch---

Me:
Do you want peas?
Daughter: NO!!!!
Me: O.K.

(3-second pause)

Daughter: I WANT PEAS!! (crying, whining) I WANT PEASsss!! (knocking over things, arms flailing all over the place with no place to go - like a Paula Abdul backup dancer.)

---Bedtime---

Me:
Time to brush your teeth..!
Daughter: (Jaguar growl, then climbs the wall on all fours to the ceiling, spewing acid at me below - grabbing towels for protection while Lorena Mckennitt music plays in the background…)

It has to be aliens, right? Or possibly some brainwashing by Elmo (I never did like his whiny voice - he's telling kid subliminal messages - I just know it!!)
Fellow parents, when does it end? I want my baby girl back...

30 comments:

Jenny said...

oh ho ho, this is VERY familiar. Aliens are an interesting theory, although as a seasoned and very wise parent, I'm inclined to diagnose it as a case of (You don't know it's) Opposite Day!

Adrienne said...

My daughter walked in her room one night at 14, and I have not seen her again. Some "thing" came out and has been residing in her shell of a body for 6 years.

~*Kelli*~ said...

Ok, first of all, she's a woman. We change our minds a lot. DUH!

Secondly, um, I hate to tell you this but it only gets worse. Oh sure,wanting "the other thing" from what they already have may subside, but then you get all the new problems, like discussing with your 8 yr old that wiping is mandatory, and telling your 7 yr old that she can't keep butterflies in a container in her bedroom, and so on. Believe me, coming from a mommy of six...you are just now entering the twilight zone.

But you know what? You will never EVER forget these years. As much as they drive you crazy, when your oldest is getting ready to graduate from high school in 14 days, you will cry and wonder if maybe, just maybe them loving that stupid Elmo wasn't just the best thing on earth!

Lastly, thought you'd appreciate these:

THE TODDLER RULES OF POSSESSION

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in anyway.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically
becomes mine.

10. If it's broken, it's yours.

beta mum said...

Contrary Mary is a good book about this opposites phenomenon. She'll enjoy it, if she's in the right mood, which will be harder to gauge for the next few years!
They are so funny when they're being 2 - if you're not in a hurry.

Oh, The Joys said...

That kid is OLIVER.

(un)relaxeddad said...

Actually, this is the mild bit. Much worse at three.

epixstix said...

Hilarious! It's good to see that dads suffer-- uh, I mean -- enjoy the adventures of toddlerdom as well.

http://epixstix.blogspot.com

Darren said...

She's not even two yet? You've got at least two years of that coming. Five and a half seems to be a nice age--breakdowns and whining are usually limited to once a day. You can look forward to that.

junebee said...

The Branch doesn't even talk. He just does the flailing about part. Maybe he can get a job with Paula Abdul.

Above Average Joe said...

Trust me, the aliens have swapped multiple children (my 2 yr old included) with patience ending cyborgs. The yelling is how they communicate with one another.

Maureen said...

Funny! Sounds just like my daughter now and my son when he was that age. Beta Mum above is right, you can find humor in their "twoness" when you aren't in a hurry. But aren't we always? Poor little things.

Tuesday Girl said...

That sounds about right.

Kate said...

ROFL! I can tell you that comning from a girl, the moodiness never ends! And it ain't aliens! That's why I was psyched when I had 2 boys.

Ruth Dynamite said...

Buckle your seat belt, Tony.

She is (young) woman, hear her roar! (or growl)

L.A. Daddy said...

Hahahahahahaha! Ahh, that's too much. Welcome to "The Terribles"! All downhill from here. It stops when she's about 22 years old (at 21 she'll throw a tantrum because you won't let her move back in the house after college...)

Ours started about midway through 2 and hasn't let up.

I'm considering a prescription. For me.

furiousBall said...

She's entered that difficult stage that occurs with all women, it generally starts from ages 2-6 and lasts until 40.

Lisa said...

She's a girl. Did you forget?

dennis said...

tony: it might subside for a short time, but your best hope is to marry her off to an unsuspecting boy who will then put up with 666 behavior.

Interesting story, one of my SIL's was nicknamed 'Miko 666' by her family when she was growing up. She is now a doctor.

Attila The Mom said...

hehehe. I hear it's all downhill from there. ;-)

Stay at home dad said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stay at home dad said...

Like you I was a bit shocked the first time this happened. When she got a bit of sleep she reverted to normal. I'd say she's a lot less moody than I am!

Sahd

Sarah O. said...

Love the "jaguar growl" bit.

Oh, and it does not end, it only mutates.

Kim Ayres said...

Just as I'd become attached to the alien that inhabited my lad's body, another one has taken over as puberty has hit.

Thanks for taking the time to comment on my blog by the way :)

Jenster said...

I'm not sure when it ends. My daughter is 12 and it hasn't quit yet. LOL

And if you think the "Terrible Twos" are bad, just wait until she turns three!!

Funny thing is this, though. All I remember about my kids being two-ish, three-ish, etc., is that they were so cute and sweet. I think forgetfulness may be a defense mechanism.

creative-type dad said...

Jenster - Huh? You mean there's terrible three's? The brochure didn't mention that...

Lisa - Yes. I did. And apparently she's making me well aware of it too.

nonlineargirl said...

The scenario is the same here. The no-yes-no thing is so maddening. She asked for strawberries and yogurt. I brought them (in separate bowls) and she wanted them mixed. I mixed them, and she wailed that she wanted them apart. I rinsed the berries off and guess what she wanted? So fun! (good thing toddlers are so cute.)

Lisa said...

Enjoy the toddler years. They're so much fun!

kittenpie said...

Oh honey, that's not aliens. That THE TWOS! And, I'm discovering, they're better than the threes, so buckle up.

crazymumma said...

Sit back and watch the sparks fly until she is oh....21 or so.

enjoy.

creative-type dad said...

nonlineargirl - yup! it is a good thing they're so cute, otherwise I'm sure parents would either eat them or send them off to the salt mines.

kittenpie - You're all scaring me. I keep hearing about this terrible-three's thing.
Her manual said nothing of this?!