Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Unthinkable is Happening…


I’m coming to the realization that I’m slowly turning into my Dad.

At Kohl’s with my wife, I was browsing around and actually considered buying a pair of Dockers pants because they looked comfortable and very practical (wrinkle-free!! When did that brilliance happen??) When we eat at a restaurant and my daughter, or any other family member, barely touches their food - I end up eating the rest. And don’t even ask me to tell a joke in a crowd.
It’s like an alien is taking over my body and I don’t know who I am half the time. The next thing you know I’ll be wearing sandals with socks while mowing the lawn, have a beer fridge in the garage, and running into walls.

It was even more apparent this past weekend as I was nagging my daughter about every weird thing she was doing trying to break her horrifying 5-year old bad hygiene habits.
In my defense, I’ve been extremely paranoid about her getting sick since most kids around us seem to have some sort of weird zombie-type virus: the 7-year old next-door sounds like a 50-year old chain smoking man when she usually sounds like a 40-year old chain smoking woman. A friend’s 16-month old got croup and now sounds like she’s a de-barked beagle. And nearly all of my daughter’s school friends look like they need to hook up some Sears wet-dry shop vacs to their noses because they’ve got a constant stream of snot running down their faces that ends dangerously close to their…(gasp) mouth.

Yes, MOUTH.

I sometimes think to myself, “Wow, kids are really gross. It’s a good thing I was never like that. Ever.”

I’m determined to keep my house free of infections this winter, so I made a list on things my daughter should not be doing and hung it on the refrigerator.
Because everybody knows if it’s hanging on the fridge, it must be really important.


RULES FOR 5-YEAR OLDS AND THEIR FRIENDS.
  1. Don’t pick your nose.
  2. Don’t pick your butt.
  3. Don’t put your fingers in your mouth.
  4. Don’t put whatever that is you picked up in your nose OR your mouth.
  5. Don’t put your mouth on the handrail.
  6. Don’t walk out of the bathroom without washing your hands.
  7. Don’t wipe anything on Daddy’s stylish Wrinkle-Free® Dockers.

(Click to print)

11 comments:

SciFi Dad said...

Both my kids use the hug diversion so they can wipe their noses on my shoulder.

painted maypole said...

at least it's snot and not lice. my daughter has a friend with lice. we had the said friend and her lice over to play before we knew she had lice. (but not before her MOTHER knew, and the fact that I have not murdered anyone yet is a testimony to my great and humble nature. thus far)

i think i need a sign on the fridge that goes something like:

you will not share hats with anyone

you will not hug anyone

you will not put your head onto carpet or any other soft surface outside of our home

Kelly said...

Oh come on, you've ALWAYS walked into walls....

Otter Thomas said...

Funny Stuff. It is a scary thing to realize you are becoming your dad. It's happening to me and all I can do is watch in horror.

Here is my germ free tip. Steal a bunch of boxes of gloves from your doctors office and place them around the house. Insist they wear gloves before they touch anything. And then throw away the gloves. It eliminates all the problems with the hands.

for a different kind of girl said...

I have been known to make the sign of the cross to ward off the preschoolers I teach Sunday school to when they come toward me with noses running like a river. I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do, but I'm a pansy when I get a cold, so I'll do what I 'God'ta' do...

Scott said...

That is hilarious! Number 5 is the only thing I did not do, at age 5--but we didn't have a staircase!

Chudex's said...

Nice read, thanks for shared.

Ninja Mommers said...

Ha! You're hilarious. Love the rules for 5 year olds!! I am not quite at that stage yet.. lol but you are helping prepare me!!

Financial aid for single mothers said...

Oh!nice post love it.

David said...

I bought my first pair of slippers last year. They're warm, comfy and I don't care, dammit. Next I'm thinking about getting a proper pair of jeans with an elasticated waist.

Tanya Garcia said...

hahah lol well I love being a kid like creature. Thanks for sharing this. I reminds me how happy I am when I was a kid and having a kids right now as well