Sunday, September 30, 2007
Why Do Teenagers Have To Be So Weird Looking? They’re Scaring Little Kids
Blame it on global warming – maybe the melting glaciers are releasing mutant teenagers to live among us? Or it could be all that senseless booty rap and rock music on ‘the MTV’ they listen to these days.
Today I thought I would try out the kids club 'child care' program at my gym. There were 3 teenagers running the joint, 2 guys and 1 girl. I must commend the place on hiring the guys since most places discriminate against male child workers – I wrote about that here. Although, I think this place should be an exception.
After signing my daughter in, ready to leave for my workout, she starting tearing like I’ve never seen before. The look on her face was simply fear for her life. Shaking, holding onto my leg, looking up at me with completely red eyes like I was leaving her forever. Side note: my daughter is the biggest extrovert when it comes to strangers (which scares my wife and I on occasion…)
Daughter: No Daddy, don’t go. Please daddy! PLEASE (the BIGGEST puppy dog eyes I’ve ever seen -- what? Did they grow somehow?)
She wasn’t yelling either, just genuinely scared. All while a big tear slowly rolled down her cheek.
Then I looked up and took a good look at the place. This one teen guy nearby was wearing this huge 4 sizes too big beaten up Ozzy shirt, he was crawling on the ground with this dirty, crusty clown hand puppet (which was missing an eye) and had the biggest Asian fro I’ve ever seen (it was literally the size of 4 heads.) And he was calling my daughters name in this whisper “Hey, hey - come play with me…”
The other guy was wearing some kind of girl’s striped stockings up to his knees, with all black clothes and jet-black hair to match. I even think he was wearing eye mascara (who do you think you are? Robert Smith!!)
The girl had about 100 piercings - on her head alone! And her lizard tongue seem to be taking a swipe at the nearby flies. Or she was toying with her tongue hinge.
Where are all the kids? I hear them, but I only see like, 2.
I walked with my daughter over to the toys and play equipment – they actually have a lot of pretty cool stuff she loves - under normal circumstances. I walked with her over to this cute kid-sized Nantucket playhouse and inside we saw the eyes of about 6 kids huddled in a dark corner.
One of the kids said to me “please sir, get my mommy…”
We walked over the back room with craft tables and a normal looking woman was there with a little girl about my daughter’s age.
Me: Hello, please tell me you’re in charge here…?
Woman: Actually, I’m not. This is my daughter and she told me that if I left her alone, she would sue me when she’s 5. And by the way, that kid behind you is 'patient 0' and is infected with something I’ve never seen before…
I quickly turned around and this kids’ face was covered in booger crust (no joking!) and he was reaching for my daughters’ mouth in slow motion (I could hear his whistling nose get louder and louder with each breathe he made...) I yanked her away and told her to stay away from him.
OK, that’s it. I picked up my daughter and told the teenagers I was signing her out. The girl said “Are you sure, it’s really fun here” (as she was playing with her tongue piercing…)
Later my wife admitted that the kids working there are pretty scary but that our daughter knows how to play me to get what she wants.
I immediate shot back with “I think those kids in that playhouse would seriously disagree with you!!!”