I should have been more suspicious when my daughter ran up to me with open arms and a big smile, yelling “daddy”, and hugged me while I was eating my breakfast. As it was all a preconceived facade to wipe her runny nose all over my new black shirt and run away.
Minutes later she came back handing me her partially eaten waffle saying sweetly “here daddy, you can have this now” and then sneezed on me - and the waffle - and then ran away once again leaving behind a slimy rope trail.
That was a week ago, and I’m just now starting to recover from that vicious cold virus she gave me. She, on the other hand, had recovered the next day.
When I finally came into work sharing my brave battle story of what I now refer to as “The Great Cold of ‘08” a co-worker with a new 5-week old first child confidently told me “Wow - that’s gross. That’s never going to happen to me.”
Amateur.
Then I thought to myself, “That was me 3 1/2 years ago...”
It’s not really his fault; he’s just getting started. There were plenty of things I didn’t know before having a kid. A few examples:
- Sometimes the child secretes strange unknown liquids from the most unlikely places that you temporarily think they’re really an alien. But a simple search on Google reassures you that they're normal.
- Having an early walker IS NOT a good thing. Because then they want to walk all the time and eat things on the floor like bugs, cigarette butts, lint, rocks, Jolly Ranchers in need of a haircut, etc.
- Never say the word “Poop” – EVER. Because if you do, it becomes a preschooler’s choice word for everything: “Poop Car”, “Poop Building”, “Poop Baby”, “Poop Shirt”, “Poop Bacon” (blasphemy!)…
- The Poison Control Center (1-800-222-1222) is the best invention - EVER. Well, second best – KFC is the first best invention. Don’t argue with me because you’ll be wrong. And “no” that number isn’t for calling after eating their new non-trans fat fried chicken.
- You get sick just by being in the same room as your kid. In fact, you could be outside looking through a 6-inch aquarium thick, space shuttle "approved” glass and still get sick. Just being related is adequate enough.
25 comments:
It never ceases to amaze me how arrogant and confident new parents (myself included) can be.
Hubris is a wonderful thing, isn't it?
Boy is he in for a rude awakening.
They're just poisonous little disease vectors, aren't they?
SuburbanCorrespondent -- Yes. But cute ones. We're doomed.
He's just entered: the kid zone, where nothing is ever the same. Simple, harmless words result in embarassing consequences. Years ago a friend (without child) commented as to how I could ever scold such cute and adorable children? I told her that was obviously the divine plan - they are made cute and adorable to keep them safe!
At least we can't say they never give us anything, right?
It's amazing how your thinking changes when you have kids. And then it changes even more when you have more kids.
You know what's also awesome? My kids are teenagers and they're STILL infecting me, despite Lysol galore.
Just thought I'd give you a glimpse into your future.
I'm certain Poison Control was third after Def Leppard. And you have an amen from the East (not to be confused with a Wise Man from the East).
We had Poison Control on speed dial for TWO YEARS when The Boy - aka THAT KID WHO PUT EVERYTHING IN HIS MOUTH AND/OR NOSE - was in his heyday. They're good people.
My house is disease ground zero right now. I love how non-or first time! - parents are just so smug about it. Amateurs.
MQs slightly "off" days always turn into days into bed for me. how IS it that she has an immune system of steal (which I'm thankful for, honestly) but it just knocks me out could. I think I gave all my immunity to her.
Artist Unplugged -- So true. It's a good thing they are cute.
bennie -- Def Leppard is tied with Lionel Richie's mustache.
Beck -- Nose?? Not looking forward to that...
painted maypole -- So you're saying she's your kryptonite?
You forgot: There is such a thing as actually trying to catch vomit.
Good times.
Yes, I second what Kristi said, who knew, who knew!
My daughter has pink eye at the moment and at only 16 months, I am sure it is completely irrational on my part to expect or even hope that she won't rub her little face on me during this period of gunk. I am in fear of waking up one morning with the telltale yellow gunk in the corners of my own eyes. *shiver*
ha ha... just this morning a mom at drop off said to me "oh yeah, Sarah (another mom) is the one retching today."
Stomach flu is ripping its way through 1st grade. There is NO WAY TO AVOID IT.
Just accept.
Ahh, the new parents. They have NO idea what they're in for. My monkey is ALL about boogers these days.... Boogers boogers boogers.
I hear ya, CT Dad...especially on #5. My family (wife and two young sons) are finally recovering from a superbug that decimated our household for over a month.
And in the same vein as #3...don't ever make (and connect) bodily function noises to anything, ever. We heard "Feliz Navidad" on the radio the other day, and there was a big, brief buzzing sound after those two words of the chorus. When my 5-year-old asked what it was, I joked that the singer must have "tooted."
Big mistake. Now, whenever "Feliz Navidad" comes on the radio, my son makes his own fart noise to accompany the chorus. *sigh*
Thanks for reminding me, I shall remember to send my virus-loaded leftover waffle to you next time.
Also recovering from the cold of '08, or as I like to call it the "please put me in a coma til this is over" sickness.
Yeah, new parents are funny. I remember saying stupid stuff like that, too. Before our eldest was born my husband declared, "I will only speak Spanish to him and he'll be bilingual by the time he's three". Turns out he found it difficult to conjugate verbs at 4 in the morning while rocking a crying baby and making coffee. Even I knew that was a long shot.
Wash hands frequently... um no... Constantly! It really does help to keep infections down. Second, stock up on hand moisturizers because with all that hand washing you'll decrease the risk of catching something, but your hands will feel like and begin to resemble some kind of amphibian.
Great post. Great blog. You are making me remember, and in remembering I can finally giggle.
Ah yes, the new parents on the block. (As he unknowingly makes a foreshadowing comment...)
Buy him a big ass bucket of Nyquil and say, "I believe you'll be needing this. And don't worry. When you've drained the Nyquil it can be used as a puke bucket." (For me all of the stomach viruses were a surprise!)
Paging CTD! You have survived I hope.Please, I need a laugh in the midst of all this hustle and bustle! Hurl a fruitcake or something...
Artist Unplugged -- I'm back...and I didn't have to hurl a fruitcake.
Ya, I just go ahead and lick mine as they come home from school. Better to just get it all over with ahead of time!
Woman in a Window -- You must have a great immune system.
I think you just have to resign yourself to being sick for the next 12 years until they don't want to be in the same room as you anymore, pretty much.
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