Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Questions? I’ve Got Answers

I get lots of searches in the form of questions primarily by parents looking for expert answers. Which is odd since the only thing I’m really an expert on is fried chicken.
Nonetheless these people are looking for answers, so like the model citizen that I am, I’m going to answer them.

All while eating fried chicken.

The Questions:

How to get toddler to sit and eat at the table? Duct tape usually does the trick. But if Child Protective Services is reading this, use constructive discipline methods such as hugs and candy.

How can i make my chicken taste like kentucky fried chicken? Wear a white suit, put the chicken in a bucket, and yell in a southern accent "this here chick'n is finger lick'n good!"

What can i teach to my 1year old baby? Not to eat things off the floor and give them crayons to scribble with. I did that with my daughter, she now scribbles on the floor and thankfully doesn’t eat anything off of it.

What do you when your 4yr old swears? Duct tape usually does the trick. But if Child Protective Services is reading this, use constructive discipline methods such as hugs and candy.

How to make santa claus fart? Buy him a gift card to Popeyes chicken.

What are mullet hair styles for boys? "The Richard Marx", "The McGyver", "The Billy Ray", "The Don Johnson."

How to remove booger on the wall? Use a water hose, lemon slices, or battery acid.

Does picking your nose cause more boogers to grow? Yes.

Can you get into chuck e cheese without a kid? Yes. Unless you have a mustache and/or chest hair.

What can an 18 month old draw? Scribbles and lines. But if you pass it off as your own and get a good agent, you could make millions in the lowbrow art movement.

My child picked his butt and has the poop on his finger now? Wrap yourself in a plastic tarp, wrestle the child onto the floor, but be careful of the offending finger. Tie him up and drop him off in Nebraska. But if Child Protective Services is reading this, use constructive discipline methods such as hugs and candy.

Is The Cure concert appropriate for kids? Only if they’re wearing makeup.

Is wicked the musical ok for children? If I had to guess an age, I would say around 9. Or maybe a mature 7 year old (or adult) that can sit still for a few hours and resist laughing at the ridiculous ending.

What type of animals can be trained? Dogs and Unicorns.

My 5 year old has an interview in private school what should i do? Rob a bank just in case he/she gets in.

Is it ok to spank your maid? In California, yes. Children, no.

Teenager's in the 1980's what did they do for fun? “We” woke up at the crack of dawn, milked the cows, and tilled the fields. Then played gin rummy after supper by candlelight while drinking Sarsaparilla and listening to Depeche Mode.

Why is it so loud at chuckie e cheeses? Because Satan himself created that horrible place to torture good people.

We had a bat in our house and now my child has a fever! He's going to turn into a vampire -- so do this quickly: Run into the garage and get a piece of sharp wood, chant in latin over tap water, and run into a nearby dark Forrest.
But if Child Protective Services is reading this, use positive healing methods such as hugs and candy.


Mr Lady said...

I could never do a post like this, because the Google hits I'd get FROM the google hits I got would destroy my blog.


My, what wholesome google searches you have!

Lucky dog. :)

Child Protective Services said...

For the record, we no longer condone candy as an acceptable parenting tool due to record numbers of cavities and obesity. We will be sending a representative to your home shortly (or failing that, we will wait at your local KFC, since we know we will find you there eventually).

Whirlwind said...

Did you know Chuck E Cheese is only open a few days a year? At least that's what my kids believe which has spared us from going there, except for that one birthday party.

Kelly said...

The answer to "Can you get into Chuck E Cheese without a kid?" should say... Yes, unless you have a mustache, and/or chest hair, or wear an ankle bracelet (of ANY kind). ;)

Rattling The Kettle said...

Hilarious. But the bat people need to get their kid tested for rabies, and fast.

Bruce said...

So that is why I have so many boggers........thanks!

for a different kind of girl said...

I quite love how the bat fever search ended with an exclamation point, yet the poop fingers was posed as a question. Clearly, if your kid had poop fingers, you'd know. Oh, you'd know.

The Internets are wacky!

Kristen said...

Oh, I have so many of my own questions! Where to begin??

Actually, the only reason I was checking in on your blog right now was because I am right at this moment baking extra crispy chicken and I thought of you. Isn't that touching?

Kate said...

OK I just got "shhh-d" by my husband because apparently I'm laughing so loud now I might wake the kids.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

I am all over the candy method of childrearing. In fact, I didn't know there was any other way.

A velcro cargo strap also works well at table, if you can't find the duct tape. Plus, it's reuseable!

creative-type dad said...

SuburbanCorrespondent -- Reusable?
Wow, something that's practical and environmentally friendly.

Kristen -- I'm touched. Even more since extra crispy is my favorite.

Whirlwind -- That's brilliant! I'm using that.

LemonySarah said...

You just made me laugh so hard I woke Mr. Lemony.

He says Hi. And zzzzzzzzzzzz.

Dad to Two said...

Awesomely hilarious. I feel bad that my one google search that comes up actually is someone elses site name that I mentioned on my site. I need to work on my SEO stuff and add a few key words. My next post will be about lindsay Lohan and britney spears are involved with Pirates who were upset about their loss on Dancing with the Stars. That should work.

Sue said...

Wow! You can afford a maid? Must be nice!

You crack me up.

Artist Unplugged said...

These all are legitimate questions that plague the minds of us at some point on a daily basis but lack the guts to bring them to the forefront for scrutiny and discussion. Thank you for your valiance - power to the KFC. However, I must bring to your attention the movie, "Harry and the Hendersons" in which a Bigfoot was trained...shouldn't he get equal ranking with the dog and unicorn? I pose an additional question: does a unicorn taste like chicken?

painted maypole said...

why would an adult WANT to go to Chuck E Cheese w/o a child? I try to avoid it as much as possible!

L.A. Daddy said...

What? Duct tape? You let your CHILD sit at the table with you?! Ha! We keep ours in the closet and toss in some raw meat every now and then...

Come get me, Child Protective Services! I'm waitin' for ya!

Dad Stuff said...

I too remember the pioneer days of the good ole 80's. Back when we had to fill the Atari game with kerosene and fetch Kool-aid from the river every morning.

Redneck Mommy said...

Damn it.

I only land the perverts looking for mommy boobs or redneck boobs.

I want to dish out advice like you.


The Real Mother Hen said...

Lol, why would people want to make Santa fart? Gosh, being fat and clumsy and having a bad breath aren't enough? What's wrong with you people.

Children in the 70s had to walked 4 miles to the paddy fields before sunrise and work with a skinny buffalo under the hot sun all day. So that you have rice to eat today. Better finish your rice, else I nuke you! :)

Beck said...

I get lots of toad health questions. Who knew toads were so sickly?
You forgot that other classic mullet, the Me Like Hockey.

Ben and Bennie said...

Popeye's chicken is really fried chicken boogers. And other stuff Lionel Richie would never eat.

Whit said...

Duct tape also works well for removing boogers from the wall- not to mention chest hair (and mustaches).

Zoe said...

man. i usually get googles related to porn...creeepy porn. mmmm fried chicken.

Steph said...

Daddy's toothbrush works great on the boogers! ;)

Anonymous said...

Don't you find duct tape residue takes a while to get off the skin though? I find a wire brush and industrial cleaner does the trick!

Great advice - could you do one for teenage sons?

Haley-O said...

Any questions about Monkeys? Like, doesn't EVERYONE get bizarre questions about Monkeys? no? Really?

That true about boogers? Wow! Must tell my little nosepicking monkey!

creative-type dad said...

Haley-O -- Monkey questions? I don't nearly get as many as I'd like.

Healing Jake said...

You are a funny dude