Total Weekend Randomness: Because There Are Way Too Many Things Going On

O.J. Arrested Again!?
You know if I were O.J. and I killed my ex-wife and her boyfriend and then got away with it – I would be keeping a really low profile and I sure wouldn’t be doing anything fishy, you know like armed robbery.
I just find it odd that he could end up spending 30 years in jail for this and spent virtually nothing for manslaughter. Gotta' love the court system! By the way, I just got Jury Duty --again. That's always an interesting adventure.

Random Searches To Creative Type Dad
I get the weirdest searches here are a few recent ones (with commentary of course):

when do gummy bears come out and eat people – The day after Halloween, when they avenge the death of their fallen brothers
live monkeys for birthday parties – Monkeys really love to whack a banana-filled piñata.
mayim bialik's bosom – WHOA! Why would anybody want to see Blossom’s boobs?
i love to pee in my overalls! – Me too!
how to get alcohol smell out of mouth – I find KFC popcorn chicken usually does the trick
how to do facials for men – Rub motor oil on his face. But be sure to put pork grinds over his eyes first because motor oil stings like a mo-fo
midgets with mustaches - Can they be outlaws on horses? Or maybe playing poker?
how do five year olds act at chuck e. cheese? – like drunk frat guys

Sexual Harassment Training
I had to do 2-hours of mandatory training last week for work. Has anybody seen these training videos? They were actually very entertaining – almost like watching “The Office."

Conference room – Kayla stumbles in late and spills hot coffee on her white blouse
Bob: Whoa-oh - Wet t-shirt contest!!
(Bob, Steve, Larry all hoot like Arsenio Hall and high-5 each other)
Kayla: Bob, that was very unprofessional. I am a working member of this organization…
Bob: Hey-oh! From the looks of it, it just got cold in here too!!
(Bob, Steve, Larry all chest bump each other...)

(Scene freezes, gets partially dark and then a super-imposed gavel appears with text)
“Law and Order” Breathy Deep-Voice Guy: A real scenario - in 1998 Kayla took her case to a Federal Court, and her lawyer convinced a jury to award her $146 million in putative damages. Bob is now living in a cave in France and Steve and Larry are now prostitutes in Thailand.

Seriously, the videos were pretty ridiculous. I’ve known two cases of harassment at work at they didn’t sure happen like that.

My Daughter Was Either Very Angry With Mickey Or Was Afraid Because He Was 6 Feet Tall In Person
We went with some friends to Disneyland over the weekend, which was fun. Their daughter is a year older than mine and they play really well together. The park wasn’t too crowded, usually after Labor Day the crowds thin down significantly – the longest wait for a ride was about 15 minutes (kids rides of course.) But the line to see Mickey Mouse was crazy! It took us about 45 minutes to see him and when we did, my daughter unexpectedly yelled at him like he owed her money.

Daughter: NO MICKEY! BACK!
(she gave him dirty looks like he ate her puppy – maybe still chewing on it – Mickey looks sad, blows kisses, waves, dances..)
Me: What’s wrong? You wanted to see Mickey; there he is and now he’s sad because you’re not being nice. Don't you want him to make cartoons?
(Mickey Mouse clubhouse is her favorite show)
Daughter: (a little worried) Hi Mickey (blows him a kiss) Daddy - Let's go!

She ran out like she saw a Doodlebop with a chainsaw...

So What? Your Kid Is Crying, So Is Ours. It’s All-Good.

We had some friends and their ‘youngin’s’ visit from the far away country of San Antonio, Texas this week. We like these people, we’ve known them for years and I think they think we’re cool because we’ve been to the Alamo once.

As with most visitors, we spent some time down at Disneyland (aka, ‘the tantrum capital of the world’) I’m not exactly sure what it is about the place, but I’ve seen more kids crying there than any History Channel show on child labor of the 1800’s.
In retrospect, the place can be too much for toddlers – the waiting in lines, the $14 “spinning lights” that you don’t buy them, the $8 chicken strips they wanted then don’t eat, the kid wanting out of the stroller to run into crowds... It’s enough to make any parent break down.
The friends’ 16-month old and our 20-month old were in peril mid-day. These kids needed naps before they turned into nukes. So the other dad and I did what most fathers do when it’s our turn to mind the kids when they sleep while the women were out hunting for game (or shopping.) We headed for the nearby hotel bar (at the Grand Californian) and relaxed outside in a quiet area, on rocking chairs, talking about Football (Ha! Just kidding.) Actually I think he’s the only dude in Texas that doesn’t watch Football.

Later in the day, the kids were at it again. The whining, the screaming, the crying, but something was different – strangers don’t even twitch when a kid is in breakdown mode, which is something we’re not entirely use to. It was practically expected there.
Usually while out some childless couple, single, or empty nester always shoot us some kind of “stink-eye” as if saying “Can’t you control your kid!!” if the kid breaks down in public. Like in some restaurant, we go into panic mode where we make some impulsive emergency exit plan (“you finish eating, I’ll take her outside, I’ll be back in 2 minutes, pay the bill, GO! GO! GO!!)
Parents would make great CIA agents because we’re trained on sensing circumstances and making quick decisions that produce immediate results (or people will die!!)

Being among that crowd with the freedom to relax almost makes the price of admission worth it. Almost.


EXTRA! Some Disneyland tips we found for those like us traveling with young kids:
1. If the kid needs a nap in a quiet place, park the stroller inside (or outside in the garden) at the Grand Californian Hotel. There are rocking chairs outside and nice comfy sofa’s inside and the waitresses will even serve you booze!
2. If you can, do the Fantasyland rides first thing in the morning or after 8pm (if the kid hasn’t fallen asleep yet.)
3. The parks have this place called a Baby Center where you can pretty much nurse, feed, or escape.
4. If the kid is into it, do the Princess lunch at Ariel’s grotto (make reservations.) The girls loved it and surprisingly it wasn’t expensive ($20 for salad, entrée, dessert and drink) and toddlers under 3 eat for free (they’ll make you some special little plate at no charge.) Oh, and the most important part - the Princesses are pretty easy on the eyes (which always makes it more enjoyable for us dads.)