Monday, March 30, 2009

Help! I Need Excuses – Fast


My daughter has asked for something that I’ve detested nearly my entire life. Something that I’ve always loathed because, in my view, it serves absolutely no purpose in this world but to aggravate, annoy, and destroy good tax-paying citizens like myself.
No it’s not Kevin Costner, the Beatles, or Mosquito’s - it’s a cat.

She wants one really bad. She’s been drawing pictures of herself and this non-existent kitty cat (called “princess pinkalicious”) frequently. In addition to the begging and pleading that she’ll feed it, tuck it into bed every night, clean up after it, and play with it every 5 minutes she’s offered to pay for it with her allowance/birthday/Christmas and 529 (now referred as ‘gambling fund’) money.
I woke up this morning to a huge smiling face staring at me saying, “I love you daddy!! Can I have a kitty cat PLEASE?!”
When I said ‘no’, she marched out upset and mumbled something about ‘Robbie at school will buy one for her’ (note to self: have a man-to-man with 4-year old Robbie tomorrow. Don’t shave or brush teeth.)

There’s no doubt in my mind that the wife is in on this too as she’s not doing or saying anything to prevent this behavior. She grew up with cats. Her mom had about 678 cats. Well not really, but some number really close to that.

My dislike for cats started back in 1979 when my babysitters’ cat tried to kill me. You heard me right - that chubby ugly cat walked right up to me, when Barbara was occupied on the phone, and told me “I will kill you when you least expect it.” Well, not those exact words, but it inferred it with those freaky looking spooky cat eyes. I never went back to that house again.

My dislike for them continued in 1996 when my roommate’s cat use to sit in front of the TV, when my roommate was gone, and say things like “I will kill you when you least expect it – Mr. Cuddles would have wanted that.” This time he did say it with a Russian accent. I would sleep with the door locked, only to hear him slowly scratching at it late at night like Freddy Krueger. That’s when I learned how to sleep with one eye open.

To this day I can walk into any pet shop and playful kittens will stop frolicking and in an instant stare at me as if saying, “I’ll cut you up, foo!”

Pure wicked evil sent from hell; that’s what those kittens/cats/demons are.


Excuses telling a child why they can’t have a pet (or in this case cat.)
  1. Cats are reincarnated criminals and whole life insurance salesmen.
  2. Cats have killed more people than all wars combined, plus a 100 million more.
  3. If a cat bites you, you’ll turn into an ugly vampire and you’ll never be a princess.
  4. Cats are friends with monsters and invite them over for drinks often.
  5. Once a cat tastes human blood, it will keep feeding.
  6. You can’t have a cat until you’re at least 65.
  7. Big Bird use to have a little brother, but cats ate him.
  8. Cats eat Fairies.
  9. Cats are prone to alcoholism.
  10. If you get a cat, you can’t have a unicorn.

33 comments:

painted maypole said...

i think i need to get you a Beatles singing cat

;)

furiousBall said...

cats is the worst musical ever put on broadway

for a different kind of girl said...

When I was a kid, we got a cat under the guise of it being a Mother's Day present for my Mom, who, it should be noted, is not a fan of the felines. Needless to say, that cat hung out with us for about a week, just long enough for my Mom not to come across as completely heartless, and then she shipped it off to my aunt's farm.

Long story short, I now understand where my Mom was coming from.

Hold strong...

Amrita said...

I don 't like cats too. Get her a stuffed one.

Artist Unplugged said...

My husband felt the same about cats and went through the same thing with my daughter when she was 3. He gave in after hearing her sing (while taking her bath)about wanting a white kitten but her daddy wouldn't let her have one. Said cat didn't arrive until she was 8 however. Oh yeah, said cat just puked in the floor minutes ago......they really are easier than a dog to care for.

Do a little research...did the Colonel ever own a cat...if he did, perhaps that would put a different spin on it for you!

nonlineargirl said...

How about: cats hate sugar, and if you got a cat you could never have another cookie/cupcake/candy ever ever ever.

Amy said...

Cats are fun. Give in :)

Otter Thomas said...

I love #7. A twist on #10 could be that cats made the unicorns extinct. They also killed the dinosaurs, the dodo bird, and Captain Kangaroo.

Miss Yvonne said...

Oooh, smart move with the unicorn argument. That might be the only thing that will work. Then all you have to do is buy a pony and glue a horn to his head. And no, PETA, that is not animal abuse...that's just good sense. I mean, hello...those pony's aren't gonna sell themselves. Marketing 101, baby.

creative-type dad said...

painted maypole -- Singing cat & Kevin Costner karaoke to Beatles songs --- that's my worse nightmare!!

Miss Yvonne -- PETA's already angry at me for my love KFC. Gluing horns to pony's won't bother them much.

Amy -- For killing innocent people1 That's about it.

Amrita -- She's has a few stuffed animals cats. Maybe that was the problem?

for a different kind of girl -- If I lose, I'll need that farms address.

Carmi said...

Maybe a dog with stick-on triangular ears? We had a cat for a while, and we loved him to bits and pieces. But I can also understand why you wouldn't want one around. When ours got sick and shuffled off to kitty heaven, we decided against ever bringing one into the house. It's been a good call, as we actually LIKE not having things randomly knocked off of high shelves, roses chewed till the thing barfs, and finding anger-poo in the corner of the living room.

We rescued a dog, who represents another level of insanity. But that's a story for another day, I suppose.

Whichever way you go, I admire your willingness and ability to walk the tightrope. Peace, my friend.

Papa Bradstein said...

Cats are allergic to Elmo. If you get one, you can never see Elmo again. That way, if she gets the cat, you still win.

Sue said...

Yup, cats are evil. Don't give in.

'Nuff said.

Chief Family Officer said...

My boys love dogs, but they already know we can't have one because Daddy is allergic. Might that work for you? Or not, if your wife is in it with your daughter?

SciFi Dad said...

Option 1: get one of those "Fur Real" cybernetic cats. The AI technology necessary for them to become sentient is at least five years away.

Option 2: take her out for Chinese food. Point out absence of cats in alley. "Help" her come to her own conclusions. Explain that what she has just done prevents her from ever owning a cat.

Anonymous said...

We have a cat, and it seems to be allergic to 3-year-olds. Other than that, all is well. Our 3-year-old, not satisfied with the animal already in the house, has (with prompting and encouragement from Daddy) been lobbying for a dog...

Tamara said...

We have a cat, and it seems to be allergic to 3-year-olds. Otherwise, all is well. Not content with that animal, the 3-year-old (under prompting and encouragement from Daddy) has been lobbying for a puppy. And, on other days, for a baby brother...

creative-type dad said...

Tamara -- I thought all cats were allergic to all people? Or at least pretended to be.

SciFi Dad -- That Chinese food one might scare her for life.

HappyHourSue said...

LMAO "cats eat fairies". There are a certain amount of allotted lies to tell your children, and that's one of 'em.

Beverly said...

I have two cats, which stay in the house and are declawed on all four feet. Some people will tell you this is like cutting of the ends of your child's fingers. I say, it's a cat and it will scratch up me and my house if it keeps its claws.
Anyway, they're very nice pets. Without claws.

The Real Mother Hen said...

ha, it's so good to laughing hard while reading in this freaking cold morning. I dislike cats, so I say don't give in.

Does she like Mickey Mouse? Tell her that cats eat Mickey Mouse & Minnie Mouse. In fact, Disneyland almost couldn't get built because of those evil cats. They ate all Mickeys. Ouch, that's sad.

:)

Sasparilla Sue said...

Cats are so cute, how could you not want one? Don't get me wrong, they will take every opportunity to claw your eyes out and bite your fingers off but they're still cute. Maybe you should get her a hairless one. The minute you bring that thing home she won't want a cat anymore.

mama speak said...

Have you read any of the Skippy Jon Jones books? You can get her a Chihuahua & tell her it's a cat. If it works the other way around, why not?

Personally I'm a huge fan of the pets in general. It took me 16 yrs to work my dad over for one. He was (seriously) deathly allergic to them and said yes anyway. My first boyfriend had just broken up w/me & he just couldn't take the crying anymore.

Turns out he's not allergic any more. Guess who feeds their damn cat tuna for lunch every day?

Denguy said...

I always reply with: "You can have a (insert desired pet of the month here) when you're 18 and I kick you out.

Steph said...

As someone whose front entry is essentially a kennel for two dogs because "It's good for kids to have pets", I sympathize.

I don't see any way out of this one for you, dude. Sorry. ;-)

(Hope you are feeling well, seriously.)

Samantha said...

How about getting her another type of pet to let her forget about cats?

creative-type dad said...

Samantha -- The only other pet she wants is a pink Unicorn.
I told her our name is on the list at the breeder.

dennis said...

yeah, we have a cat now too. Wife.imp opened the door (she has been opposed since I got rid of the last cat) and then reopened said door a second time before last Christmas...

Now that we have a cat, I want an outdoor cat...

chanchow said...

You should develop a cat allergy without any symptoms.

Candace Silvasy said...

Tell her to follow me and the other twittens (cats on twitter) that way she can have hundreds of cats, litter-free. @spacat.

kittenpie said...

Cats will eat all your french fries and chicken when you're not looking.

dead beat daddy-o said...

Give her a cat, a bag of litter, and a box. "There you go, honey . . . enjoy."

Problem solved in a week.

Teresa Brennan said...

My husband hates cats as well. He finally warmed up to one when my sister-in-law left her very pregnant cat in our care while she completed a semester of art college in Italy. The cat gave birth and the only one that took a liking to my husband was the handicapped one who acts like a dog. She does everything dog-like except bark. We kept her and gave the rest back to my sister-in-law when she came home. The cats handicap is a lack of oxygen to the brain from being born last and slowest (so the vet says).