Monday, January 08, 2007

Sharp Objects Aren’t For Toddlers; They’re For Throwing At Attacking Ninja’s And Their Angry Diseased Monkeys


What would you do if your kid comes running to you with a handful of pushpins in her hands, in her hair and yelling “Eat!”, while at work? Me? Well, scream on the inside, of course, all while holding back a tear, trying to keep calm (her and me) and hope she doesn’t start crying bloody murder so that the co-workers don’t call the police/Superman/social services/Jesus/Oprah.

So I brought my daughter into work for a few hours. I always like taking her to work – it’s like “Show and Tell” walking through the halls, while people poke out of the offices and cubes saying things like “oooohhh, how cute!”, “look at her cute clothes”, “so that’s what a kid looks like”….etc. She loves the attention and in a proud parent kind-of-way, so do I. She’s my little pride and joy. And besides people are much friendly to you when they know you have a kid (you know, like in the movies when a victim is about to get shot by some bad dude, and then he yells “WAIT”, whips out picts of his kid(s)…then the bad dudes boss tells the rookie bad dude to only shoot the victims legs – hmmm, that could be why I carry a picture of my daughter around….just in case.)

This visit was much different than her last a few months ago. She actually moves a lot faster at 18-months... like a Ninja. One minute she’s sitting, quietly eating her Elmo Crackers humming "E-I,E-I- Oh"; I’ll turn away to look at my computer, then look back only to discover she’s run out the fire exit with somebody’s car keys and hidden bottle of tequila.
I have to watch her like a hawk these days; unfortunately those parental “eyes in the back of my head” haven’t developed yet. And she talks a whole lot more now too - but only the kind of talk that only few (wife and I) can really understand. For instance, her “Ahh man!”, sounds a lot like “Ahh, sh*t” (don’t ask… but you should see the stares we get for that one.)

What was I writing about again? Yeah, so I was picking needles out of her hair while singing Elmo’s song (distraction) and saying things like “yeah, Elmo's is one crazy dog...bird...monkey..45-year-old sicko” (quietly and calmly though - didn’t want to make people come over) and then she stared at my face, looked concerned, then said “Dada?!”….Ahh SH*T”….(real loud!)

At least she uses it in context.

19 comments:

MetroDad said...

Elmo crackers? Good lord, man. Whatever you do, don't let my daughter find out about these Elmo crackers. It'll be all over then.

By the way, I know what you mean about the pushpins. My daughter came up to me the other day, holding a handful of tacks, saying "daddy, want some? Eat?"

Umm...no thanks, sweetie.

sourpatchbaby said...

You're out in the open right? That sucks...I would've probly screamed bloody murder and rushed The Kid to the emergency room to get a CAT scan and MRI. You handled it much better than I would've, congratulations. BTW, I don't think the eyes in the back of the head develop until the Teen years. Alongside the supersonic hearing.

Lisa said...

Funny stuff there! Oh how I wish I had a remote control to mute some of the things that've come out of my son's mouth at the wrong time.

Oh, and eyes in the back of the head DO come earlier than the teen years (Halleluiah!). They just develop very slowly.

Diana said...

Even though it's a swear, aren't you proud that they use it correctly? It's the beginning of TALKING for God's sake, how can anything be bad??? Then...they say it in front of Grandma, and she gives you THAT LOOK. Because it's all your fault you know. YOURS.
LOL!
Get some sprinting shoes, you're going to need them. They only get faster!

MamaLee said...

omg a few weeks ago I found my 2 girls playing with a whole thing of push pins on the family room floor. I was screaming on the INSIDE! They hadn't hurt themselves at that point, and we quickly made a game of putting them back in the container and giving them back to mommy...OMFG!

I understand. I live with Princess-Trying-to-Get-Away-With-Shit and Sweetpea-Stealth-Bomber. Partners in Crime.

I am SOOOOOOOOOO in trouble.

dadinprogress said...

Perhaps the BEST thing about your story is that your biggest fear is a co-worker calling Oprah on you. She'll have you on her show for thumbtack violations, break you down into a million little pieces and then send you walking to live a dark and unrewarding life.

InterstellarLass said...

Ahhh. The first cuss word. A shining moment in every parent's life. Context is important. It's so hard to teach really. Kudos!

Kristen said...

Okay, you're brave. Taking an 18-month-old to the office. Wow. I bow down to your greatness.

I would have cowered in fear before taking one of my sons to the office at that age. Again, wow.

T. said...

So, what you're telling us is this was a proud moment for you, right?

My two year old son (long ago...) found the push pins I keep in a drawer. He scattered them around the kitchen floor and when his three year old sis came in she fell down (tripped on her sock!) and landed ass first on a whole bunch of pins!

Picture the two year old and myself pulling pins out of my daughter's bottom, leg and hands while the whole time she kept yelling BAD FRAC and trying to hit him.

It was a proud moment for me. Thank God it was at home and not at the office!

radioactive girl said...

Just wait until she finds some vaseline and smears it all over her hair and body...or wait, maybe that was my twins that did that. What a mess!

Good job not freaking out (visibly) while removing the pushpins.

something blue said...

With their Ninja qualities I'm surprised more toddlers don't play with sharp objects.

It could be time to send the office memo to recommend childproofing the office.

I love the daddy's little girl pride you so perfectly demonstrated with this picture. By that I mean your words, not Mr. Cruise.

Kate said...

Ha! Thanks for the laugh this morning!

I've brought my son in my office many times, and even though he's not a toddler, he thinks of himself as the "mayor" and of course has to do his usual meet and greet everytime he's there. Like, "Oh Sally, haven't seen you in a while, how's that project going..."

moe "simon metz" berg said...

the best thing to do with a child at the office is let them huff the sharpies. keeps the pushpin play to a minimum. just keep a cold glass of water nearby in case you need to revive them.

the second best thing is a wite-out makeover. there isn't a toddler alive who doesn't look cuter with frosted eyebrows.

wayabetty said...

So Tony, drinking on the job again? Tequila? My daughter has this obsession with eating paper, napkins, cards, you name it. and she chews it into a pulp. Just disgusting!!

creative-type dad said...

wayabetty - Tequila..I meant, uh Pepsi (with a little Tequila)

moe "simon metz" berg - do they even still make 'white-out'?

Kate - one of my designers kid is like that. Last time she came by she was like "do you ever work"...

Justdmarine said...

*faints from lack of oxygen over white out makeover remarks*

Alternately...you could wait until you have a son and bring HIM in right around the "wipes on his own and just past potty training time". I just loved it when mine came streaking out of the loo with his pants down around his ankles and in front of a queue of about 4 people at my desk turned around, used his hands to spread his butt cheeks, and hollered,
"Did I get it off my butt and junk???"
That's always a pride filled moment...

Octopus Grigori said...

Who can blame her? Those things look like candy. If they don't want us to want to eat them, why don't they try not making them all candy colored and stuff?

creative-type dad said...

Justdmarine - That's too funny!

Octopus Grigori - Treu! Actually, the ones she had weren't candy colored. If they were, this would have turned out different.

kittenpie said...

I would totally freak at that! Xrays all around!