Monday, January 29, 2007

The Downside Of Parenting: The IRS And Having A Virus Monkey In The House


My daughter came home sick on Friday after spending all day with a few other kids. This wasn’t just any kind of 'sickness' and definitely not the kind we’re used to. Nope, this was the evil kind.
The moment she got into the car she started spewing like the love child of Chucky and the Exorcist - it freaked us out! (Would you believe that this is our first experience with this type of sickness in her 18 months of life.)
Weird junk was flying all over the place - onto her, the car, the wife, the iPod(!) – with her arms flailing in the air like Richard Simmons, and putting her hands in “the line of fire” and then back onto herself. Yup, and it just kept coming out, intermediately, as if she had some secret chamber in her that we didn’t know about until that moment (human’s really are 90% fluid – no doubt about that anymore.)

It continued at home throughout the night. The poor thing couldn’t sleep and just wanted to cuddle the whole time - which is about the only upside to her being sick - except for the times she started spewing again (I’m really considering inventing vinyl sleepwear for parents...)
As a parent it really breaks my heart to see her in so much pain; I really wished I had some magical superhuman powers, like He-Man or Oprah’s 300 billion dollars, to make it all go away - but I don’t. I’m just an ordinary human being that plays the accordion just like everybody else. My powers are being a human pillow, a Pedialite waiter, and knowledge of the infamous BRAT (banana, rice, apple, toast) diet - watching her eat, and then watching it come out again (thar' she blows!)
We knew it was finally over the next day when she started asking for Potato Chips and Chicken again. What a relief! All was right in the world once again - birds started singing, the sun came out, and David Hasselhoff arrived home safely that morning without a DUI and black eye.
That’s until the wife called me at work crying on the phone, revealing to me that she now has ‘the darkness’ in her.

Now, I’m afraid to go home. Scared, really anxious and worried about getting sick too. It feels as if the IRS, armed with their butterfly nets, are waiting for me to come home tonight. Sitting on my living room sofa listening to my Tom Jones CD’s, and playing with my Nintendo Wii…(help me Oprah…!)

27 comments:

Dan said...

I'm right there with you. My daughter spent the entire of last night vomiting. She's gradually worked her way through all of her bedsheets, all of our bedsheets, all of my nightwear and 90% of our towels.

The definition of parental love is not recoiling in horror as someone who has just vomited all over you starts to look like she's going to do it again.

Lisa said...

Oh no! I thought for sure 'the darkness' was going to hit our house on Friday night after WJ reported one of his classmates hurled in the school bathroom. This on the heals of 3 others dropping like flies earlier in the week. So far, we've been spared.

Can you make an offering to the lords of 'the darkness' to spare yourself from the pain?

Waya said...

Ohh, I hope the wife will feel better soon. At least the upside is, she knows to run to the toilet if she needs to spew.

I don't know, I think I'd rather take the "runs" than the vomits, at least it's contained in the diaper (in theory anyway).

MamaLee said...

OMG, you poor thing. Actually, poor all of you!

We lucked out with sicknesses here as well. For years I enjoyed relatively healthy kids while I heard horror stories from friends and family members.

I hope your daughter wasn't too scared - I remember my kids not understand why the puke was coming out. Come to think of it, Sweetpea is 2 and she has yet to puke like that (just some spit up resembling the "darkness.")

I have some gross stories about my birthday girl, Princess, but you really don't want to hear them, today of all days. And God bless you for being able to clean it all up. I married a corporate boy who USED to be a paramedic, and he tells stories of weak stomaches and him puking right along with patients. I get to clean up anything that comes out here, any end.

Sigh.

Hopefully you managed to survived last night in the "sick house of horrors!"

sourpatchbaby said...

I'm sorry. Right now The Hubby has the shroud of darkenss and last night The Kid started in on it too. Frankly I think when this darkenss engulfs them, that it's not really them you're seeing. The darkness has taken them to their magical spaceship with Tom Cruise and have laid eggs in their brain. What you're seeing is pretty normal alien egg incubation/birth. Congratulations, you're a granpa.

radioactive girl said...

My kids finally have all gone bac to school after being sick for what seems like forever. I guess with four kids I get 4 times as much, but it just seems like it never ends sometimes! Hopefully you will all be feeling better soon!

T. said...

The DARKNESS hit our house once when Fric was 2. It slowly spread to me and her dad and soon the three of us were cowering in the corner, with some ginger ale, a bucket and three little wishes for death...It passed. After we all but tossed up our intestines.

May you conquer this battle without ever having to set foot on the battlefield...figuratively speaking of course. Don't leave your wife alone to chuck...

Just wash your hands frequently and wear a mask!

Goodluck.

moe "simon metz" berg said...

not to sound like a germ freak, but if you want to personally avoid the Darkness, go buy one of those mongo sized lysols and start spraying the hell out of your house right now.

think of that lysol as the midgety lady from poltergeist they hire to clean up the evil - and don't stop until your neighbors can smell the fumes.

i use this technique every time one of my kids gets a bug and it usually prevents a hot zone in the house.

InterstellarLass said...

Ah, the BRAT diet. I've been on it many times myself. There's this magic drug called promethazine. It's used to treat nausea. Sadly it's not for children under age 2. But after age 2, it's magic stuff I tell ya. Potent and effective. Stops the pukies and leads to a healing sleep.

Diana said...

Ugh, I was there about two months ago, and it was HELL.
Yes, Lysol, and hold her hair back. Be nice.
May the darkness lift itself soon.

creative-type dad said...

I went home last night, sprinkling Holy water (Lysol) all over the place, and then locked myself in our guest room putting the chair against the door.

I think it worked, So far I don't "feel" sick...

Octopus Grigori said...

She'll only be stronger for having survived the darkness.

Em said...

Dear god, not the iPod!!!

Oh, wait....focus....it is the kid that matters here. And I'm glad she is finally back to normal. It does suck, as a parent, to watch your kid be sick and feel helpless to do anything to make them feel better.

Great edit with Oprah's head, by the way. LOL

Mrs. Chicky said...

Damn, that blows.

:)

we haven't yet experienced the spew. I'm sure I just jinxed myself by saying that, but I'm gutsy that way. I hope everyone in your family feels better soon.

Her Bad Mother said...

We live in a hotbed of viral activity. Kind of like a test-lab for new illnesses. SUCKS. HARD.

creative-type dad said...

Her Bad Mother - stop your home virus experiments! My ipod can't take it...

Alisyn said...

I'm operating on 9 hours of sleep over the last 48 hours, thanks to my sick kids. I feel your pain.

Be Inspired Always said...

This winter the flu has really hit our house hard. Everytime I turn around, my kids are missing 3 days of school.

Removes the target from her house and sticks it on her loud neighbors door.


Jillian

Kristen said...

I should not say this, because I'm about to jinx myself, but amazingly, we have never experienced "the darkness" vomiting sickness at our house. Vomit is usually a one-time experience and I'm extremely lucky to have a kid with a supernatural ability to get himself to the toilet without getting puke on anything. I know. Interesting talent, right?

That Chick Over There said...

I have twins, so I always get hit with a double dose of this.

You have my sympathy.

creative-type dad said...

Kristen - We thought the same thing. We heard crazy stories from friends/family/strangers-in-the-store about their kids releasing all kinds of weird stuff....daily!

We would always talk amongst ourselves - "ha! not us, we take baths!" or something like that.

My advice- Run for the hills and save your family!

Rose said...

Poor little thing. I hope that everyone in the house will be back to good health soon.

Maria said...

Enjoying your blog. Everyone has a puke story. My second grader puked pizza all over the car last year and to this day will not eat pizza or go to parties where pizza is served. I told her that she needs to get over that or have a very lonely childhood as EVERY birthday party until she is 12 will serve pizza.

Of course, I still have trouble with the pizza thing too but I don't say it aloud. Might have something to do with the fact that the inside of the car smelled like puke pizza for months afterwards. I had it professionally cleaned and the professional said he felt like puking just being inside my car.

And just for fun, try saying "puke pizza" ten times. I'm easily entertained, obviously.

And the world turns.....

Haley-O said...

I'm so sorry you went through that. That's horrible! My monkey's 18 months, too! She has a bad cold right now. Every time she bends her head down, snot comes spewing out. Better snot than puke, as in your case! I'm glad she's feeling better; and I hope you don't get it!!!

J in Ric said...

In our family, it's usually me that is being puked on. The first time it happened, *I* almost puked myself because of it, but sadly, I've almost gotten used to it.

Hope your little one and the wife feel better.

kittenpie said...

Oh, that is awful! We've been fortunate to avoid that for some time now, but I've got this lurking feeling that we're about due...

Poor little kid. You give her a hug for me, okay, but not too hard because you know, we don't want to squeeze anything more out!

Sarah O. said...

When our kids were little antibiotics was the fifth major food group.