An Open Letter To The Wife Regarding Father’s Day

Dear Wife,

Please don’t buy me a Barbeque for Father’s Day.

Yes, I know. How? Because I saw the tabbed page of Barbeque recommendations in one of your women’s ‘contemporary lifestyle’ magazines. You know, the ones that gives makeup advice and then informs you to start your own off-shore bank account if we happen to argue over who’s doing the dishes.
Don’t ask me why I was looking through it.

O.K. there was an interesting article about low-cost organizing ideas (ice cube trays as a change holder? Genius!)

And instead of those “fun activities” they suggest to do on Father’s Day like “Dad and Child wash the car together”, “Dad and child clean out the garage together”, “Dad and child build an indoor spa, with inside locking door, for mom project”, etc. let me offer my own creative and unique ideas for Father’s Day:

• Family picnic at the park and then permitted to sleep the remainder of the day. And for dinner you serve me popcorn chicken dressed like slave-girl Princess Leia.

• A visit to Medieval Times so I can practice on my Sean Connery accent. You know, the one that closely resembles my Colonel Sanders accent.

• Family “Knight Rider” marathon. And we can all ask KITT for more snacks by talking into our imaginary watches.

• Visit the birthplace of Colonel Sanders: The Kentucky Fried chicken closest to our house. Or the one in the dodgy neighborhood but offers the spicy chicken selection.
  

• Get Rock Band for Wii so the 3 of us can play. But only if they have Def Leppard, if not then forget about it.

• Anything that involves at least two of the following together: circus, dwarves, rodeo, monkeys, fried chicken, fully potty-trained 2-year old, The Cure, one million dollars (after-tax.)

Your loving husband,
Tony

P.S. - ...or a Barbeque?

What It’s Like Calling The Poison Control Center...

They were actually very friendly and incredibly calm despite the terrified voice.

My daughter is completely into those glitter sparkles roll-ons that you put on like deodorant, except not under the arms but on the face. The wife bought her some for Christmas and now our daughter is addicted to the stuff like Gary Coleman to ice cream.

I was first opposed to the sparkles since my old roommate’s girlfriend use to wear that glitter junk ALL THE TIME, and it use to get all over the place – walls, floors, fabrics, passing birds, etc. One time I even found some in my Cookie Crisps cereal, which by the way, is just wrong!! (Where’s that Cookie Cop when you need him?)
Anyhow, this kid-version glitter my daughter has isn’t nearly as bad, and truthfully it really doesn’t go on her face at all. But she thinks it does and it keeps her occupied for a little while the wife and I get ready in the morning.

A close friend knows about her sparkle addiction and thoughtfully gave her a Princess purse set with more roll-on, glitter nail polish, and some smelly shimmering lip-gloss. She went crazy for the stuff.
So crazy that she decided to paint her lips and face with sparkling nail polish…

3 years ago a parent once told me “Trust me…add Poison Control Center to your cell phone.” (PCC 1-800-222-1222) I did that instant, along with Domino’s Pizza.

(Screaming child in background)

Poison Control Center: PCC, what’s the problem?
Me: MY DAUGHTER JUST PAINTED NAIL POLISH ON HER LIPS….!! MAYBE NOSE?? FACE? I’M NOT SURE…IS SHE GOING TO BE ALRIGHT??!!
(Oh God… now I’m an even worse parent than Britney Spears and Miley Montana's dad…and I’ll probably be on Perez Hilton within the hour…)
PCC: Nail polish?… with Princesses?
Me: YES!!! NAIL POLISH with PRINCESSES... and Butterflies... and stuff dancing on it or something like that…

(*uncomfortable pause* ...Oh great, she's probably calling Social Services to pick me up right now...)

PCC: She’ll be fine. She’s probably screaming because it taste like Diet Pepsi.
Me: Diet Pepsi!?
PCC: Yes, I’m a pharmacist and trust me, Nail Polish taste like Diet Pepsi. Besides, it’ll take about take about 3 bottles of that stuff to do any real harm.

Then she asked for my name (...Gary?) and zip code then says, ”DO NOT to use nail polish remover, use petroleum jelly instead. And stay away from Diet Pepsi.”

Really?

Now I'm all alone with 'that' bottle of nail polish. Wondering...

Mother’s Day Coloring Pages That You Won’t Find Anywhere Else

My daughter and I are getting ready for the upcoming mothers day festivities this weekend. We had gone shopping to get a little something for the wife and my daughter picked out some interesting “gifts” for mommy - Lego Blocks, a Power Ranger, a Doll bed...
Basically a bunch of toys that she wanted.

Anyhow, I won’t mention what we got her just yet, but I thought since my daughter loves to color I should make some coloring pages to go along with it.
She, like other 2-year olds her age, wanted to color pictures of Elmo, Butterflies, Unicorns, etc. But I wanted to be a little more unique, so I came up with these:

Lionel Richie: "You’re Once, Twice, Three Times a Lady – Happy Mother’s Day!"

Sophia and Dorothy: "Happy Mother’s Day, Ma!"

Elmo's Mother's Day Unicorn and Butterfly Birthday Party Fantasy

(Feel free to use for Mother’s Day. Click to download)

Can you guess which my daughter chose to give mommy?

I Want To Freeze My Daughter. Maybe Costco Has Something…

Can anybody help? She's going to be 3 soon and I wanted to know if there’s a way I can keep her 2-years old just a little longer.

Today while playing our favorite game together, "tea and KFC", I began to realize that she’s not a baby anymore. I started thinking about how big she’s getting and how different she is from this time last year. Back then she could say some words, even put some together like “Hi Elmo!”, “Red Car”, "Chicken Bucket", “Kevin Costner makes really bad movies...”
She could talk a little, but she was pretty much still a baby.

But now things are completely different. I’m not sure when it happened but in the past year she’s learned all kinds of new skills and tricks. She can now draw (or attempt), do stunts, has favorite shows and places to visit, plays poker (or attempt), has friends she talks about constantly, has a vivid imagination that completely fascinates me, tells stories, asks the most entertaining questions about the world around her that I’ve ever heard, and I can have really interesting conversations with her too:

Daughter: Dad-DEE, there’s a MONSTER under my bed
Me: Don’t pee in your pajamas, or he’ll stay there.
Daughter: (thinking) …O.K.!

Daughter: Dad-DEE, I want a baby sister
Me: OK, we’ll buy one at Target next time they’re on sale. Save your money.
Daughter: Oh, Thank you Dad-DEE! I get my moneys.

Daughter: (morning, just waking up) Dad-DEE, you use FEET to pedal a BIKE!
Me: That’s right! And you use a POTTY to go POOP.
Daughter: That’s right! Very Good!!

Why does this have to end when “2” just became fun? Her questions to me about the world around her as if I’m some kind of tour guide in a foreign country are really quite enjoyable; I like being the tour guide. And the best part is - I'm always right! She never questions any of my answers. To her I'm Yoda.
I just hope she still needs a Yoda tour guide at 3, 4, 5, etc. If not, I just may have to check those Target store ads for sales.

Maybe that's how you know when you're ready for another one...