Wednesday, August 30, 2006

“No Please, Tell Me About Your Operation and Family Medical History”

I’m not sure if this only happens to me or other people. Or maybe I project some aura unknown to me that tells people that I really want to hear about their medical problems. This has happened on more than a few occasions and it’s starting to bother me because I’m the last person in this world who needs to hear these stories. Have you read my posts about my extreme fear of needles or passing out getting a flu shot or avoiding the dentist and her “instruments of death”?

Last night in my boxing class, this other fellow “norm” finally showed up to class after a few months on hiatus. I said hello as usual, and small chitchat about the weather, the fireman’s wife and her daughter’s new boobs implants and how they've grown some more (normal gym conversation) and then she goes on to tell me in great detail about her bladder and how the doctors performed surgery and how she can’t eat ice cream after 10pm.

BladderWoman: My bladder is sagging, ya’ know because there’s these two muscles that hold it up….. Imagine two big nasty veins...

Me: Uh….huh? You don’t say…hey, look, that chick that screams when that Brittany Spears bad remix song is playing just walked in….

BladderWoman: …And they had to perform the entire surgery through my vagina, so they didn’t have to cut my side open…

Me: That’s, uhhh….pretty nasty. That musta’ hurt. I hope the doctor bought you a drink first (nervous chuckle)

(nasty descriptions…me channeling out)

…and then they stuff pig fat up in there and then the tissue grows around it and then the bladder is against…(blah, blah, blah…)

What? Pig fat…like from a pig?

BladderWoman: Yes.

Me: So when you eat bacon, does that make you a cannibal?

(she slowly walked away)


MetroDad said...

Hey, I think that's a valid question! Reminds me of my buddy's father who is not only an Orthodox Jew but also just recently had pig's valves placed in his heart. We've been getting some good mileage out of that one. Every time he comes around, someone oinks!

Crankmama said...

Good freakin' LORD! WHY WHY WHY do peeps love the talk of the surgery and the hurt? I do not understand the need to "share" these things. NO ONE WANTS TO KNOW, dammit. Not even the caring looking folks. Take a clue -- when people back away, turn pale, and start talking about Brittney Spears it's time to lay off the bladder talk.

Mr Big Dubya said... to say this. You stepped on the joke. Yes, of course, eating bacon does make her a carnivore. The better line would have been to ask her if that makes her a cannibal. Just sayin'.

I'm actually surprised you didn't put your fingers in your ears and start chanting, "La, la, la. I can't hear you" when she got to the whole "through my vagina part." I believe that's where I would have lost it.

radioactive girl said...

People always tell me their entire life story too. My husband thought for sure I must "do" something to make them tell me until one day he was with me and out of the blue at the grocery store some woman switches from talking about the big sale on bananas to her recent surgery in great detail. A complete stranger! My husband believes me now, but still has no solution for it! I'm not particularly squeamish, but I don't need to know such personal things about strangers!

junebee said...

Oh, that is WAY too much information.

BooMama said...

Laughed out loud at this post and at the comment you left on my blawg (I'm in Alabama. I say blawg). :-)

And the picture? In the FIL post? Masterful. You could do a whole blog of nothing but his photographs - I'd visit every single day. Sometimes nothing is better than stuff that's really bad.

Or better yet: greeting cards!

Waya said...

Oh man! That pix puts me on the floor howling and I can totally see your expression during that excrutiating conversation. You've done it again Tony!

Izzy said...

Holy crap! I couldn't even stand reading the re-enactment. All that medical junk is so gross!

Next time put your fingers in your ears and really loudly say "lalalala...I don't hear you"

Devra said...

You must just give off the pheromone of approachability. I give it off too.
Tourists roll down their taxi cab windows, yelling to me "Where is the..." never realizing I am not a native to the city myself. It happens to me all the time. The scent of approachability is so strong I can just stand in front of a store and someone picks up the scent and BAM! I was standing in front of the NYU bookstore at 7AM waiting to meet a friend for breakfast. The bookstore wasn't open however a gentleman approaches me and inquires "Does the bookstore take American Express?" The pheromone also attracts religious groups. I had this conversation with a Hare Krishna dude "Thank you so much for the offer, but I already have a copy of 'Chant And Be Happy', do you have 'Moan And Be Miserable'"? Ah, the approachability pheromone strikes again. Eventually I decided to give in to nature and I became a social worker. ; )

creative-Type Dad (Tony) said...

devra- totally agree about that "approachability" idea. Even when I'm at places like "the Gap" people ask me for help or tell me I'm some size of somebody they know, etc.

izzy- next time I'll scream like a schoolgirl and yell "ewwwwww"

Ruth Dynamite said...

Ick,ew, and oy. And also ha - this is so funny because it's so true.

Devra said...

Next time you go to the GAP, ask to "clock in". I double dare you.

kazumi said...

Hi there, well done on the cannibal comment!

Diana said...

tony i read this yesterday just before going home- and i'm still laughing at my stupidity...I read "they stuff a big fat pig up in there". I was all "why would they put a pig in her...?" then I re-read it and decided I needed a caffeine boost.
The point: you would hate to meet my aunt from back home. She has every sickness in the world and will tell you about each and every one in complete detail. Twice.

creative-Type Dad (Tony) said...

diana - if she told me that, I would have died laughing! And then I probably would have been arrested.