What’s It’s Like Having The Scariest House In The Neighborhood

This Halloween I discovered the best way to scare kids.

It wasn’t the traditional decorations of skeletons, cobwebs, inflatable spiders, talking tombstones, vibrating ghosts, strobe lights, or smoke machines that suburban houses have been using for 1,000’s of years since the birth of The Great Pumpkin.

And it wasn’t the Lionel Richie pumpkin I carved which greeted them with the words “Hello” on it.

Nope, none of that!

It was the CD playing Lionel Richie’s “Penny Lover”, “Running With The Night”, and “All Night Long” on repeat.

A conversation with Optimus Prime and Mulan :
OP/Mulan: What kind of Halloween music is that?
CTD: “Running With the Night” is about running from synchronized dancing zombies in suits and hats.
OP/Mulan: That sounds scary!!
CTD: It is. I pray that you'll never have to experience it.

A conversation with Spiderman:
Spidey: Is that Halloween music?
CTD: Yes it is. “All Night Long” is about running from synchronized dancing zombies in black leather pants.
Spidey: Creepy!
CTD: Yes. Men in black leather pants usually are.

A conversation with 6-year old Hannah Montana in an oversized creepy blonde wig:
HM: Who sings that music?
CTD: Why, it’s the great Lionel Richie.
HM: Who?
CTD: ...Nicole Richie’s Dad...

(Confused look)

HM: She has a Dad?

FREE Unusual and Unique Halloween Pumpkin Stencils

In my house the best part of Halloween isn't the candy that I make my daughter collect for me from the neighbors - it’s the pumpkin carving.

And then it’s the candy, which is closely followed by black vodka martini’s the wife and I drink with the neighbors on Halloween night.

Every year I attempt to create some new ideas to outdo the Colonel Sanders pumpkin created a few years back.
The stencils below are my current efforts.

I haven't decided which to use this Halloween, but just like last year I’m posting the stencils for anybody to use this Halloween.
I just ask that these be used non-commercially and not to be reposted anywhere else.

(Click to download)

Jack Skellington
The original Pumpkin king


Angry Kid that resembles Gary Coleman
When teenagers come by with no costume tell them “whatchoutalkin’bout” and then slam the door

Lionel Richie
“Hello, is it candy you’re looking for?”

Check back soon - I’ll post more here as Halloween gets closer. AND I’m open to any ideas...

Links to Past Stencils: Colonel Sanders, Chewbacca, Mud Flap Truck Girl, Fairy, Ninja, Cinderella.

Black Martini Cocktail Recipe


And a treat for us deserving adults, the best Halloween cocktail ever invented: the Black Martini Cocktail.
Use Blavod black colored vodka.

• 3 1/2 oz gin or vodka

• 1/2 oz blackberry brandy or black raspberry liqueur

• lemon twist or black olive for garnish

Preschoolers and Politics on the Playground

Today as I picked up my daughter from preschool, I held the door open for a mom picking up her little girl who happened to be wearing a t-shirt of a presidential candidate.
As her daughter ran up and hugged her she had asked, “Did you tell your friends about who you’re voting for?”

Are you joking?

The girl is 3. If I had to guess, I’d say Cinderella, Spongebob, or maybe DeeDee Doodle

Since I’m relatively new and only 3 years into the parenting world I ask you fellow parents -- do parents normally use their preschoolers to campaign? Or maybe you yourself do it? Or maybe you’re just as bothered by it as me.

And for the record, I don’t care who any of you vote for. I’ll still like you the day after elections, even if it’s not my choice. Everybody has personal opinions; ideals, whatever, and I fully respect that.
But using a preschooler to shamelessly wear something for the parents’ viewpoint and using them as a campaign placard for something they just don’t understand troubles me.

My daughter’s new t-shirt just arrived yesterday...
And yes, she does understand the meaning of 11 herbs and spices.

How To Get A Princess To Behave

I was chatting with a fellow Dad at my daughter’s preschool about his son’s crazy obsession with Batman. The costume(s), the jumping off sofa and maybe occasional building; the permanent bat cave installation under the dining table, and the special Batman diet of only potato chips and hot dogs.
I told him he had it easy, my daughter is obsessed with Princesses. Which is just like Batman if he wore pink and sang to animals.

I’m not sure exactly when this all happened; maybe sometime around her 2nd birthday when somebody showed her the Cinderella movie for about 5 minutes. That’s when it became her crack.
At times it can be annoying:

“No, mice aren’t going to pick up that mess you’ve made”
“No, that magic wand isn’t going to make that kid playing with your toys disappear”

At times it can be used for my advantage:

“If you don’t behave (holding cell phone to ear) I’m calling Cinderella and she’s going to ask for her stuff back!”

So far, my 3 years of parenting has taught me the "Princess" method sometimes works much better than "time-out" method.
Recently we had the opportunity to see Julie Andrews and a certain Mom asked her if she had any advice for a little Princess.
She did and this is what she said (in her really cool accent):

Princess Rules
A Princess always uses “Please” and “Thank You”
A Princess always thinks of others before herself
A Princess never slouches

Although good, I don’t think there are nearly enough especially for a 3-year old. So I’ve added a few to the list:

Princess Rules (v.2 additions)
A Princesses ALWAYS go poop on the potty.
A Princess NEVER whines.
A Princess NEVER asks, “What are we going to eat?” after leaving a restaurant.
A Princess NEVER watches the Doodlebops, Dora, Yo Gabba Badda, or the new Beverly Hills “90210”

Old School, Preschool, and Colonel Sanders

My daughter started preschool this morning and it did not go as I had envisioned...

She being nervous while packing lunch, difficulty getting dressed, walking her to the classroom with her hand clenching mine, huge puppy eyes and tears as I’m about to leave, screaming “Daddy! Daddy! Don’t leave me… I love you!!” as I walked away quickly, but maybe stopping a few times waving and whispering “I love you too, now go back to your classroom and learn the proper use of safety scissors...” as I backed into and disappeared in a fog with Obi-Wan Kenobi and Dean Martin patting me on the back assuring me that I am a good dad.

That's what I expected. In reality it went something like this:

Packing lunch – “No…I want to do it all BY MYSELF!”
Dressing - “No…I want to do it all BY MYSELF!”
In the car pulling up to the school “Drop me off…O.K…I see you later O.K!”

Uh no! I’m walking to your classroom and I BETTER SEE TEARS WHEN I LEAVE!!!!

I can just imagine what kindergarten is going to be like; she’ll probably end up telling me to drop her off down the street.

Happy Birthday To The Man That Invented Chicken in a Bucket!

And to think I almost forgot... thankfully some cool folks reminded me.

It’s hard to imagine, but prior to the birth of Harland David Sanders in 1890 nobody even thought about putting fried chicken in a bucket.

It wasn’t until his 3rd birthday on a farm in Henryville, Indiana while packing lunch for his first day preschool that he told his father, General Sanders, “Father General, I would like the pleasure of preparing my own meal for today’s schooling. Sir.”
When his father of little words nodded in agreement, young Harland instantly put 14 pieces of fried chicken with 11 herbs and spices in a red, white, and black cardboard bucket.

And then with his chicken bucket and Princess backpack in hand, his dad took young Sanders to school.

And he didn't even acknowledge his father as he walked away from his classroom - not even a wave.

And his father was so upset that he didn't want to eat fried chicken anymore. But then he got over it and went through the drive-thru anyways.

All Of My Friends Are Having Babies, And They Already Have One

There was a time when the wife and I were married for a few years and would hear things like “When are you having a baby?!”, “Are you pregnant!?”, “Why are you waiting so long?!”, “Why don’t you get a haircut?!”
When we finally did the next thing we heard was “It’s about freakin’ time!”

Really? What time is that? Because the only time I know is “Hammertime”

Then when our daughter was around 6-months-old people (primarily family) started it all over again…
“When are you having ANOTHER baby!?”, “Are you pregnant?!”, “You’re not really a parent until you have, like 6”, “Why don’t you get a haircut!”

What’s wrong with you people?! One is tough enough! Haven’t you heard of college tuition rising faster than inflation and $3,000 Miley Montana concert tickets!?

Good Times.

Somewhere in all that chaos we were fortunate enough to find solace with 2 other couples that, like us, had 1 child (girls) around the same age of ours.

It was awesome.

We did “play dates” with them to all sorts of fun places, even to a few that were still a little “nice” since the kids couldn’t get too out of control because we adults outnumbered them 2 to 1.
“Sit in your seat” They sat
“No, you can’t touch daddy’s liquor. Here drink some milk” And they would listen and drink their milk.
“Sing us some Lionel Richie” And they all sang “Dancing On the Ceiling” in unison.

Oh what a feelin’, when were all 1-child families…

What Happened?

Yes, all was good in the world until about 3 weeks ago when our 1-child "friends" welcomed their 2nd child at virtually the same time.

Oh great! What are we going to do now…?!

I’m happy for them, really I am. But I'd wished they had thought more about my vision of happy 1-child families before going off and having another one.

Sometimes people can be so inconsiderate...

Solution.

So today I've finally come up with a few options to remedy the situation at hand:

1. Have another one so we can join the club.
2. Find new friends with one child.
3. Get a haircut.
4. Ask our current longtime hitched friends with no children, “When are you having a baby?!” “Are you pregnant!?” “Why are you waiting so long!?”

My daughter caught wind of her friends new baby brothers and is now whining at me, saying things like “I want a baby brother like Audrey and Maya!!”

I've told her she could have one only is she promises to feed him, take him for walks, and cleans up after him in the yard.

The Wife Thinks I’m Crazy?!

It wasn’t the Elvis impersonator at our daughter’s 1st birthday, my potty training methods, the imaginary monster extermination ideas, my obsession with KFC/Spice Girls/Golden Girls/Circus Midgets/Real Estate Agent Pictures/Lionel Richie’s Mustache, or 98% of the weird stuff I've done and then write about.

Nope, none of that!

It was the 12-foot inflatable screen I got to play classic 80’s/70’s drive-in movies in the backyard for my daughter, friends, neighbors, and family.

(so awesome…)

About a month ago I came across a website which showcases crazed parents (primarily dads) that have created all kinds of cool drive-in theater setups in their backyards. These guys have huge screens, fancy projectors, nice sound systems, and even edit their own old classic drive-in intermission bumpers and cartoons. Amazing.

I don’t think I ever wanted anything this bad. Ever.
OK, except maybe ‘the Omnibot’ when I was 8.

Anyhow, it arrived on Friday just a day after scoring a great deal on a really nice projector (Sharp XR-32S – which works beautifully with my Macbook Pro.)
Now I have plans to do backyard showings of “Star Wars”, “E.T.”, “The Muppet Movie”, “Raiders of the Lost Ark”, “The Dark Crystal”, “Back to the Future”, “Gremlins”, “Ghostbusters”, “The Goonies”, “Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure”, “PS3 Guitar Hero Playoffs” and all other kinds of cool classic drive-in movies.

While the 3 of us were watching Pixar’s Cars, holding my daughter with the biggest smile ever, my wife turns to me with enthusiasm and said, “We should totally watch Xanadu!”



I think my wife is crazy.

3rd Blogiversary!

It seems like it was only yesterday when this blog was created, with a 3-week old baby who had absolutely no concept of what 3am or sleeping meant, was in my arms.

Back then I wasn’t sure about what I was going to “blog” about. Maybe about art, or design, or post my sketches. Or maybe about monkeys with handguns, mustaches and top hats or something like that.
But whatever it was, it was going to be temporary because I had other things to do like write a novel, a movie script, illustrate 10 books, and learn to speak French & Japanese while taking flying lessons.

But then I got sidetracked…

I started writing about family life, my KFC obsession, strange men’s facials, parenting, Ohio, breast milk (*shivers*), among countless of other weird things I thought nobody (except my wife or that angry in-law in Ohio because I'd never heard of a "buck-eye" before) would ever read.

Now that my daughter is 3 I keep wondering how long I'll keep this up. Maybe it's when the wife doesn’t pay attention to my gift suggestions about Christmas and Father’s day gifts anymore? Maybe it's when I finally own an island in the South Pacific? Or maybe it could be when my daughter is old enough to Google and finds out I’ve been writing about her for years and cries at me to STOP because I’m embarrassing her in kindergarten …?

I just don’t know. Although the wife ignoring gift suggestions definitely justifies an end.

CTD Highlights
Favorite posts over this past year:

• An open letter to the wife regarding fathers day
• Whats its like calling the poison control centerMother's day coloring pages that you won't find anywhere else
• The Easter bunny must be living large in beverly hills
• I'm preparing for my daughter’s kindergarten interview
• A message to toddlers: nose picking is very unpatriotic!
• My daughter’s imaginary friend: an unauthorized biography
• When 'time outs' don’t work
• I have a poop obsessed child AND the monster is in the mail
• Exterminator wanted! apparently my house is infested with monsters *Popular
• What? santa claus makes toddlers behave...
• Potty training coloring pages *Popular
• Colonel sanders and santa claus must be brothers or just angels sent from heaven
• Halloween night randomness! Pet parents, pimps, and...
• I think they may take away my man card
• Are you there God? It’s me Tony…what’s happening to me!?

And some favorites over the last 3 years:
1st year links
2nd year links

The post that started it all...
Confessions of bunny killer

A Colonel of Your Very Own

When I was a kid, maybe around my daughter’s age or perhaps older, Kentucky Fried Chicken use to give away some pretty cool plastic hand puppets of Colonel Sanders.
McDonald's later caught on to the puppet fever and released their own plastic hand puppets of Grimace, Ronald, and I think that weird bird that couldn’t fly because she ate too many Fry Guys... I don't remember her name.
No matter, everybody knew those hand puppets weren’t nearly as cool as “The Colonel” - at least in my area of the world.

I use to play with my Colonel Sanders plastic hand puppet all the time. It use to battle with my Gobots (‘The Colonel’ would always win fights with his signature drumstick chop torpedo of doom), I would draw with it (I swear I could draw better with it on, maybe it was the magic of 11 herbs and spices), and sometimes it would be my only friend at 1am when my mom finally came home from work smelling like alcohol and cigarettes (“Colonel, why do mother and father fight so much…?”)

I miss that hand puppet(s)

I don't want to recreate the past, but I can recreate the Colonel. So I’ve created a "Colonel" Paper Craft updated for a new generation complete with his cane, signature white suit, and of course bucket of that finger lickin' good chicken (with 11 unknown magical herbs and spices from the planet Kentucky.)

This is what he looks like built...

...and here’s the Printable to make your very own:

(Click to download)

My daughter thinks he needs a friend so maybe I'll make a Lionel Richie one next...

So This Is What It Feels Like When Doves Cry…

(It’s that time of year again; my annual letter to my daughter on her birthday.)



Miss Bean (or as you now call yourself “Princess Sunshine Sparkles”),

Happy 3rd Birthday! I can’t believe how fast this past year has gone by. It amazes me how much you’ve changed in so little time; the transition from a baby to a beautiful, smart, and clever little girl with a strong personality still completely fascinates me.


A few things I’ve enjoyed this past year watching you grow:

• Drawing on the driveway with chalk together, making up funny roads, games, and monster characters.
• Hearing your stories about your imaginary friend “Captain Hippo."
  
• Playing Wii (Duck Hunt) together and yelling “Ah man!” right after I yell “Ah man!” among a few other unfortunate things your mom shouldn't know about.
  
• Helping me with small chores around the house such as loading the dishwasher, caring for the dog, and taking out the trash. I hope you still like doing chores next year.
• Paying the cashier for lunch at some restaurant with the 4 pennies you found on the ground while saying “it’s OK daddy, I pay for it with my money’s”
• Listening to you sing your interpretation of songs over, and over, and over again.
• Cooking in your play kitchen, making me guacamole soup and chocolate tea for breakfast.
• Driving by a KFC and you yelling out "Look Daddy! Yummy chicken place!!" (that would bring a tear to any colonel's eye...)
  

Your favorite things at this moment:

Dressing up as a princess, sparkle roll-on, Disneyland, watching movies on my iPhone, popcorn (or "crackcorn" as you call it), making “art”. DVD’s Enchanted, Tarzan, Cars, Incredibles, Lilo & Stitch, Cinderella, Mary Poppins, Dumbo, and Rambo (just kidding! That’s one of my favorites.)

Putting you to bed tonight on the eve of your birthday made me realize how much I’m going to miss you at 2. But at the same time I’m really looking forward to what new adventures and memories we'll have together at 3.

Love,
Daddy