Lionel Richie REALLY Likes Me (So Much That He’s Using The Artwork I Created To Sell Merchandise)

There I was, like any other good husband who had just taken his wife to see Lionel Richie at the Hollywood Bowl. Walking down the corridor alongside a massive crowd of millions just after the show ended, humming to the tune “brick house” still stuck in my head. Then I see this:

Hello? The linework. The “Hello” Quote. The emphais of the signature moustache from 80’s Lionel. This is the artwork I did back in 2008 ago for a pumpkin stencil and posted here and the one that caused an internet sensation to billions around the world! 

Lionel Richie is now selling it at his concerts? 

Dude. Lionel. Seriously. Whoever took the artwork scaled it up badly and did a horrible reproducing it. Lionel, I would have happily sent you the original vector illustrator file and you could have wrapped the entire Hollywood Bowl with it. All I would have asked in return is a signed picture for my wife and maybe a trucker hat.

What’s It’s Like Having The Scariest House In The Neighborhood

This Halloween I discovered the best way to scare kids.

It wasn’t the traditional decorations of skeletons, cobwebs, inflatable spiders, talking tombstones, vibrating ghosts, strobe lights, or smoke machines that suburban houses have been using for 1,000’s of years since the birth of The Great Pumpkin.

And it wasn’t the Lionel Richie pumpkin I carved which greeted them with the words “Hello” on it.

Nope, none of that!

It was the CD playing Lionel Richie’s “Penny Lover”, “Running With The Night”, and “All Night Long” on repeat.

A conversation with Optimus Prime and Mulan :
OP/Mulan: What kind of Halloween music is that?
CTD: “Running With the Night” is about running from synchronized dancing zombies in suits and hats.
OP/Mulan: That sounds scary!!
CTD: It is. I pray that you'll never have to experience it.

A conversation with Spiderman:
Spidey: Is that Halloween music?
CTD: Yes it is. “All Night Long” is about running from synchronized dancing zombies in black leather pants.
Spidey: Creepy!
CTD: Yes. Men in black leather pants usually are.

A conversation with 6-year old Hannah Montana in an oversized creepy blonde wig:
HM: Who sings that music?
CTD: Why, it’s the great Lionel Richie.
HM: Who?
CTD: ...Nicole Richie’s Dad...

(Confused look)

HM: She has a Dad?

Who’s That Guy Singing Along At A Lionel Richie Concert?!

What chou’ talkin’ bout’ ? It wasn’t me (…well, maybe…)

So Friday was the big day. The wife got her ultimate, dream birthday gift – orchestra seats to Lionel Richie. She claims it was the second happiest day of her life (#1 being our wedding day - but the look on her face made me a little suspicious…) Just before Lionel walked on stage, I think every single woman was ready to toss her underwear (including this weird squealing guy sitting behind us.) He opened with the ultimate “cheese” song “Hello” and ended 2 hours later on a 9-minute rendition of “All Night Long” (complete with a 2-minute drum and guitar solo – don’t ask). Somewhere in that 2 hours he sat at the piano and sang some “strangely familiar to me” songs (“My Love” and “Say You, Say Me”), which reminded of this weird girl who made a few tapes for me back in H.S. (I attracted the odd ones back then.)
After my apprehension about going, I must admit, I had fun. Seeing how extremely happy my wife was made me happy. And I shocked myself a little, I actually knew more songs than I thought I knew. I remember my grandma and parents having the “adult contemporary” radio station on in the car growing up - you know that one station that played Hall and Oates and Captain and Tennille (at least that’s my excuse.)

Shopping At The Mall?

Did anybody venture out? We did on Saturday and it wasn’t nearly as bad as it was made out to be. We were down in Orange County and ended up at South Coast Plaza – which is a huge freakin’ mall! We were there for about 3 hours and managed only to get 3 gifts. We should have just bought everybody Lionel Richie Fan Club T-Shirts at the concert. I wish I had thought of that earlier.

Last Minute Mother’s Day Ideas!

I asked my daughter what she wanted do for my wife this year for Mother’s Day and she immediately answered with:

“Go shopping to buy me an Ariel dress! And maybe mommy can get one too.”

We did something a little different this year; she’s been practicing her “Pegasus unicorn running into a rainbow” art for a few weeks, maybe months, now so I had one of the better ones put on a shirt from this place (poloppo.com)

It's pretty awesome. (What’s even more awesome is a discount code “dads25”.)
When we got it in the mail my daughter instantly requested one for herself and her friends at school as they've starting a Pegasus Unicorn Team now - it's an alternative to the Dragon Team the boys at school have started.

We’ve also been contemplating what else my daughter wants to make for Mother's Day. Maybe some cool and funny Mother’s Day themed snack from a recipe off this site (link), or one of these interesting cards (link.) I’m sure we’ll come up with something once I suspiciously tell my wife to go get a pedicure or go on a trip to the nearby KFC on Saturday so we can make anything.

We'll see...

But for those looking for a last-minute idea on what to get your wife or mom on Sunday AND really impress her, there’s always my famous flower bunch toting Lionel Richie printable with complementary Lionel Richie paper craft sculpture:

"You're once, Twice, Three Times A Lady. Happy Mother's Day!"

Lionel Richie Paper craft toy

Because really, nothing says Happy Mother’s Day quite like “You’re Once, Twice, Three Times a Lady” from Lionel.

Thanksgiving Is Over, "Black Friday" And Lionel Richie

Now I know why they call it “Black Friday”, because when you wake up early and find 200 other people who were waiting earlier than you, and the store doesn’t even have what you’re all looking for –you feel like a complete idiot.
So this morning I searched for a Nintendo Wii and they didn’t have it anywhere. My entire life, I’ve never jumped onto this mad rush bandwagon and after today’s experience, I’m never doing this again. I’m waiting until after-Christmas and just putting an I.O.U. (to myself) under the tree. But all was not lost - I did find a great deal on a VHS to DVD recorder for $99 (which is a steal!) We have what seems like millions of movies on video tapes and nearly every Disney Animated movie on VHS and there’s no way I’m paying $18-25 each to replace them with DVD’s.

How was your Thanksgiving? Good I hope. Mine – well, we drove out to my uncles’ house in far out Riverside and it took over 2 hours to get there. The food was excellent, it was really nice to see some of the family, and my daughter loved exploring my uncles’ house with her cousins. Although, we’re hoping to have dinner somewhere else next year, because Riverside isn’t close...and it’s a scary place. We saw some rowdy kids throwing bottles at cars near the freeway off-ramp. I guess that’s how they say “Happy Thanksgiving” in Riverside.

Tonight I’m taking the wife to dinner and to see the Lionel Richie concert for her birthday. I hope he sings “All Night Long” because for some reason, that song is stuck in my head. I’m just walking around yelling, “Damn you Lionel Richie, get outta my head!!”

The Elvis Impersonator at My Son’s 1st Birthday Party

About 5 year’s ago, I wondered if my crazy vision of the ultimate 1st birthday party went a little too far when I hired an Elvis impersonator for my daughter’s 1st birthday party.
When I initially mentioned it to my wife she thought I went completely crazy – something I found ironic since she’s a huge Lionel Richie fan.

Nevertheless to my, and her, amazement Elvis was a huge success. Not only did the parents have fun, but the kids found him extremely entertaining too. They danced around, sang, and were all doing those weird Kung-Fu poses along with him.

It was pretty spectacular.

When the show was over and the guests were leaving, I distinctly remember telling myself, smiling proudly with my arms crossed, “Tony, you done good. Real good. Elvis is MUCH better than a clown, magician, or Bruce Lee impersonator any day.”

Fast forward to about a month ago when my wife asked me if I was going to call the same Elvis impersonator for our son’s 1st birthday party. I wondered – is this now a family tradition that every child from this time forward, generations ahead, should have Elvis at their 1st birthday?

I should hope so.

Last weekend Elvis came, Kunged-Fu’d, and raised the hypothetical roof once again. It was all even more spectacular the second time around.
Then when the show was over and all the guests were leaving, I smiled proudly with my arms crossed and began to tell myself one more time, “Tony, you done good…” the wife interrupted with, “do you think they have Lionel Richie impersonators?”

I hope not. Because that’s COMPLETELY crazy!

"Don't worry little buddy, Daddy will make sure this is a Lionel Richie free zone..."

Happy Birthday to… Me! When Did I Get So Old?

I’m another year older, and the sad part is that my wife had to remind me of my exact age because whenever someone asks I always say 21.
Actually I think I’ve been saying that line since I was 17.

Anyhow, Birthdays around my house don’t last for just one day, they last the entire weekend.
This year, without a doubt, had to be one of the best I’ve had in a really long time thanks to my wife, friends, and family. It all started on Friday with co-workers bringing in fancy cupcakes, balloons, and some completely unexpected gifts including some custom printed Lionel Richie cocktail napkins from a design that I had fashioned as a joke awhile back and hung on my office wall:

“tonight, we gonna’ have a party”

These are definitely going to be a staple at every party I have from now on, along with of course, a bucket of KFC.

Then Saturday a few close friends made an amazing Greek dinner spread complete with a homemade Reese’s peanut butter cup ice cream cake. And if that wasn’t enough check out a small sampling of the gifts:

Gary Coleman (Arnold) Toddler Shirt

For my daughter to wear. I swear she does this “whatchoutalkin’bout willis” stance nearly every time she gets in trouble.

Colonel Sanders’ Tijuana Picnic - LP

((speechless))
Can I just say how awesome my friends are? I’ll be sharing more of this swingin’ album soon.

Sunday (actual birthday) we made a trip to Disneyland with some family including my brother and his kids, all of whom I haven’t seen in well over a year. That place wore me out; I swear they need to open a ‘sleep ride’ somewhere in there for parents (and old people) like me can just take a snooze.
And it didn’t end there; today I took the day off of work to spend with my daughter - a tradition I’ve started ever since she’s been around. And the best part, I got to take a 2-hour nap while she was taking hers… pure heaven.

Seriously, I wish I could nap everyday. Then I could be dreaming of those swingin' KFC picnics in Tijuana, with the Colonel lounging by a nearby tree. And then when I wipe my mouth with Lionel Richie napkins I could tell him "Look Colonel, Lionel's got some chicken crumbs stuck in his mustache!"
Then we'd laugh and eat some more popcorn chicken.

More CREATIVE and FREE Pumpkin Stencils!

It's pumpkin carving season and what would Halloween by without a Lionel Richie, Colonel Sanders, or Gary Coleman Jack-O-Lantern? Pretty boring.

This year was a tough one for my annual stencil making. My daughter was requesting a Princess and the Frog stencil - thanks to the commercials and billboards all around town for the upcoming movie. Oddly enough they don't make any pumpkin stencils for the new Princess so I created one for her.

An oldie I've always wanted to try was Linus waiting for the Great Pumpkin. Now after creating it, I don't know if it'll live up to the neighbors expectations. They really liked the Lionel pumpkin last year and the Colonel Sanders one the year before that.
I have considered making the Colonel one again and improving upon it by putting real KFC fried chicken in it.
I'm still thinking about that one. It may be something I put together for a Halloween party.

Or I may just carve up the Balloon Boy. Although now looking at it, I may have to add his Dad getting arrested while he floats away...

Here are this year's stencils (click to download)

"Balloon Boy" Pumpkin Stencil

"Linus and the Great Pumpkin" Pumpkin Stencil

"Princess and the Frog" Pumpkin Stencil

"Evil Queen" Pumpkin Stencil

Prior year's Pumpkin Stencils can be found here:
Jack Skellington, Lionel Richie, Gary Coleman, Colonel Sanders, Chewbacca, Mud Flap Truck Girl, Fairy, Ninja, Doodlebop.

A big thanks to all of those who have emailed me directly with pictures of their pumpkins using my stencils. Even though I can't respond to all emails, I do appreciate you taking the time do to so and really enjoy seeing the pictures.

MISSING: My Daughter’s 2 Imaginary Friends!

A funny thing happened when my son was born 9 months ago - my daughter’s 2 longtime colorful imaginary friends, “Sauna and Nana” just sort of disappeared.

I’m actually a little sad about this discovery because I really enjoyed hearing their stories of globetrotting the world in an instant. Their superhuman abilities to stay up late every night and never get tired or cranky. Their super advanced skin that never required bathing and could still remain cleaner than a sink. Their mysterious ability to eat candy for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but still have spotless teeth and a thriving immune system.

I was even fond of their parents, Chuck and Doris (I swear she made those up on her own) but sadly never had a chance to meet because they worked for all sorts of famous people like, the Wiggles, the Doodlebops, Lionel Richie, and as of last year Justin Bieber.

When I inquired as to their whereabouts at dinner tonight my daughter said with confidence that the last time she saw them they were going to get candy in Paris but never came home.

Maybe they got lost in Ohio?

So I put together this MISSING IMAGINARY FRIENDS poster hoping we could find them:

"Missing Imaginary Friends Poster" (click to print)

And since we’re looking for Sauna and Nana, my daughter was hoping to find her MISSING UNICORN she lost last year at IKEA as well:

"Missing Unicorn Poster" (click to print)

And since we’re open to helping friends, I hear Lionel could use some help too:

Are you looking for Lionel Richie?
"Hello, Is it me you're looking for?" (click to print)

And Open Letter to Lionel Richie

Dear Lionel Richie (great singer/songwriter of countless love songs including “Brick House”),

My daughter began ballet class today. Your song "Ballerina Girl" now makes sense.

Fellow sappy father,
Tony


While watching my daughter dancing around looking like an adorable little doll, Lionel’s song (Ballerina Girl, not Dancing on the Ceiling) suddenly jumped into my head. Later, the wife had informed me of the video featuring a Dad and his daughter - I investigated and saw something very creepy: That Dad in the video resembled somebody very familiar…

(Now where do I get a harp that glows with neon colors?)

Yup, that was me. Minus the ugly blue sweater and cool man-perm hair. But add a digital camera, video camera, and excessive smiling and waving, and you wouldn't know the difference. I can just imagine how ridiculous I’ve must of looked to the other parents, which happened to be all moms.
By the way, “Brick House” makes sense now too.

For Inquiring Minds – My Father’s Day Update

I did end up getting a nice little BBQ. Regrettably there was no Playstation 3, Xbox, Porsche, Italian-speaking parrot, or slave girl Princess Leia attached.

Although, the wife did break out a bucket of chicken, the spicy kind, while my daughter yelled out “SURPRISE!! Happy Birthday Daddy!!!”

Then we all ate, and I got to take a long nap. It was the best birthday ever.

My Little Ballerina Girl

There are certain first moments I’m going to remember about my daughter forever: the day she was born in a tub, her first word (which by the way was “dada”), the day she took her first real walking steps, the first birthday party with the Elvis impersonator, the first day of preschool, and now I can add her first ever ballet recital to the list.

A full 3 and a half hour extravaganza (not including intermission.)

I can’t honestly think of another moment that I was more anxious about. Well except maybe her actual birth, and that late-to-the party Elvis impersonator comes to mind too.
While waiting and anticipating her moment on stage, there was plenty of time to reflect on my little girl who was just a baby not so long ago. Thinking about how weird it was that she’s nearly 4 and how quick she’s growing up. Wondering if she’s paid attention in ballet this past year - especially the last 4 months dancing to the same routine. Hoping that she did her best and wasn’t that ‘one’ ballerina that I’ve heard so much about that gets stage-fright and runs off stage crying.
A million other things were running through my mind by the 3rd hour including why they still teach kids “Tap”, what college or preferably Art School she'll end up going to, and why that Lionel Richie song still haunts me at the most awkward times.

When the curtain closed on the hip-hop kids wearing bedazzled MC hammer clothes and opened for the 92nd time, the noise of “oohs” and “ahh’s” filled the auditorium and I found myself standing up nearly yelling “that’s ma’ little ballerina girl!” clapping and hooting like she just scored a basketball home run, goalie, Stanley steamer (or whatever it is they call it these days.)
I guess that’s what it feels like to be a proud parent – in a Tony Danza sort of way.

My wife, of course, sat beside me with a huge smile and tears. My eyes watered a little, just because I was laughing at how cute she looked, and how the short performance looked more like a routine out of the Muppet show -- funny little legs moving around unsynchronized; each ballerina looking at each other not entirely sure of what to do next, frilly little costumes bumping into each other.
At the end of the routine they all gave their little bows. The same bow she’s been practicing for weeks and “had to show me” once more to make sure it was perfect before she kissed me, yelled “bye Dad!” and ran backstage.

Then that crazy Lionel Richie song popped in my head once more.

Lionel Richie and A Midget (Little Person) Walk Into KFC, To Get A Facial And Tattoo - And Other Searches

I get some pretty odd searches to this site. Other parent blogs get real stuff related to kids, I get some of those too but not many for some odd reason. Here are a few, with my commentary attached:

midget massages - I know of a place where you can get one by angry Thai midgets

Stop nose picking toddler - They all do it. Get over it

lionel richie christmas sweater - If it existed, I'm sure the wife would have one

what type of people don't like football - People like me!

colonel sanders impersonator - If he's real, I want him deliver KFC to my job - everyday

mens painted toenails - Only men who wear Crocs do this

man perm - I haven’t seen a man-perm I never liked

manly feeling - Get a man perm, some chest hair, and a gold chain

substitute teacher whipped cream game - I don’t even know how to respond to this...

i have a midget and i am not afraid to use him!! - Me too! Let’s have them battle

tattoos of women saying daddy - Are they eating chicken too?

filipino doodlebop - Milli Vanilli (maybe just Vanilli)

midget women touching another women's boobs - Try Las Vegas. Or Art School.

toddler smears poop on walls - I hope they all don’t do that

FREE Last Minute Creative Valentine Gifts

I just read today that the average man spends $350 on Valentine's gifts. Yet, I know of no man spending $350. I’m not saying that no man has ever spent $350, Fabio or a Jonas brother maybe, but the rest of us - no.
Of course that $350 figure is coming from a well-known women’s magazine giving us men some suggestions: Jewelry (not the kind from a vending machine.) Winery vintage reserve club (pay to get on a waiting list shows ‘true love’), wardrobe makeover ($3,800), spa weekend package without significant other (minimum $1,200.)

If cupid and his brother Hallmark were alive today, I’m sure they would both be very disappointed of how superficial we’ve become since they created Valentines Day over 2,700 years ago.

So in keeping with the original spirit of the day, I’d like to do my part to help out. Here are some Valentine ideas that aren’t expensive; instead they’re creative, useful, offbeat, simple and... cheap.

Valentine's Day Coupons

Not your typical mainstream coupons like “let’s go on a picnic in Rome this weekend” or “Good for one million dollars.” These coupons will actually change the way you live. Forever.

1. Sleep in for up to 1-hour without child interruption.
   
2. Get out of Chuck E. Cheese birthday party or similar event.
3. Romantic Dinner at Olive Garden.
4. One night of dancing on the ceiling.
5. One bucket of the Colonel’s Finest Finger Lickin’ Chicken. (top pick!)
   

Click to print

Lionel Richie with Flower Bouquet Paper Craft

And for those ultra romantics I present the ultimate Valentine gift: a paper craft of Lionel Richie holding a flower bouquet. And If you really want to take it to the next level, use him as a finger puppet and make him sing “Hello” to your Valentine while they sculpt your head out of clay.

Click to print

The Easter Bunny Must Be Living Large In Beverly Hills

I’m sure of it. And he's probably living in a huge mansion somewhere in between Hugh Heffner’s and Lionel Richie’s. And he must have a Bentley for each day of the year too.

How does the Easter bunny afford such luxuries of fancy cars, gold chained eggs, well-endowed neighbors, and extraordinary love music at his beckon call? Well, Saturday afternoon the wife and I took our daughter to get her picture taken with him and the packages started at $35!
And his setup at the mall was packed with an eager crowd practically holding up $100 dollar bills in the air. That bunny was probably pushing about 600 kids an hour through there.... it was like some kind of bunny picture taking assembly line:

Bunny Helper #1: (placed daughter quickly on very large bunny) Don’t move on the bunny. Don't touch the bunny. Don't look at the bunny...
Bunny Helper #2: Smile little girl (tooting clown horn *snap*)
Bunny Helper #3: (on cell phone while removing daughter) Like, Omi-gawd! Blah, blah, blah...
Bunny Helper #4: Stand on the OTHER side of the fence AWAY from the bunny, please...

I don’t think that bunny ever moved. And he was making millions by the second just by sitting there doing nothing.

After I paid for the lowest priced package, I couldn't help but to wonder about the Easter Bunny's lifestyle the rest of the year...

Yaught in "the keys"

with a “Star Trek Bridge” themed screening room.

Home gambling den (with Scarface poster)

“The Rolls” with a PS3 system in the trunk

Hot Tub, Women, and Don Perignon

With Lionel Richie at his housewarming party

28th Annual FREE Halloween Pumpkin Stencils

I really haven’t been creating these stencils that long, it just sounds much more dramatic.

This year was another tough one, trying to come up with some ideas that outshine my Lionel Richie and Colonel Sanders pumpkin stencils from past years.
In fact, this year I am making the KFC one again just because I FINALLY got a Colonel Harland Sanders costume after years of searching. And that’s not even the best part – my job paid for the costume, as I needed something impressive for a PR event.
The only thing that can outshine that is getting free popcorn chicken.

And if my wife let me dress our 18-month old son in a chicken costume.

Most of my designs this year come from reader requests and one from my daughter of her now favorite movie of all-time, “Xanadu”, a 1980 romantic musical fantasy roller-skating disco film with Olivia Newton John. Obviously her mother had NOTHING to do with that.

This year’s free pumpkin stencils (click to download):

Spiderman

Kira from Xanadu

Apple


Snow White and Apple


Transformers

Past year stencils are linked here: Lionel Richie, KFC Colonel Sanders, Peanuts/Linus and the Great Pumpkin, Princess and the Frog, Evil Queen, Fairy, Ninja, Star Wars: Chewbacca, Gary Coleman, Jack Skellington.

Use Disclaimer: I just ask that these be used non-commercially, and not used for T-shirts, sold items, as in Zazzle or Etsy type-places (seeing my fan art for sale on items without my knowledge or permission REALLY SUCKS.)
Please DO NOT reposted the art anywhere else. You may link to them on Facebook and such or print them out for personal use only.

Martha Stewart: American Made. Just Like a Texas Truck built in Mexico

America is pretty innovated.

We’ve created such life-changing inventions here like iPhones, Airplanes, Jazz Music, Chicken in a Bucket, Prozac, The Internet, and Lionel Richie. 

It’s all pretty amazing when you think about it. And if you take a Prozac you can really sit back and think about it some more. 

So imagine my excitement when I find out Martha Stewart is encouraging new inventive creators by running a contest honoring those entrepreneurs who are making just plain cool products?

Then I discovered that one of my favorite designers-turned-mom, turned-mom-designer makes it into the top 100 finalists out of thousands of applicants with her super swanky, Eco-friendly mobiles and wall art.

Can you vote for her to win this (please?)
http://americanmade.marthastewart.com/profiles/diana-jess-643
You can vote once per day through Sept 24th.

Her shop of Modern Modular wall art, bunnies, robots, kittens, and robot kitten bunnies…
http://www.etsy.com/shop/daswooddesign?ref=seller_info

 

Maybe one of these days she'll make a Lionel Richie mustache one or a bucket with floating chicken pieces - both perfect for any nursery or home office.

Random Thoughts For Friday November 10

When A Man Loves A Woman. Enough To Take Her To See Lionel Richie

We’re going to see Lionel in two weeks over at the Kodak (or ‘Kojak’ as I like to call it) Theater down in Hollywood. The wife is a big fan, her birthday is coming up and I was able to score 2nd row orchestra seats (we’ll be able to smell that Lionel cologne of his). If you ask me how I was able to do that – I’d like to say it was from some guy named “Manny”, in a 1977 El Camino, at midnight, in North Hollywood. But it wasn’t, they were from a charity that was selling them to help guys like Manny get real jobs.

I’ve been getting some grief from ‘the guys’ about this like “Are you kidding me?”, and from the ladies “Oh my God! I LOVE Lionel- I wish my husband/boyfriend/Imaginary Friend did that for me”. To the guys, I tell them there’re just some things you need to do for the wife, which gives you a load of points. And to the ladies, I tell them to let my wife know how wonderful I am because Christmas is coming up very soon.


Who Says There’s No Such Thing As A ‘Free’ Lunch AND Ice Cream?

Ever since the ‘old guard’ left, things have been getting extremely upbeat at work. The boss’s boss is having lunch catered for everybody in the building every Wednesday (and this isn’t KFC people, this is real food!) And if that wasn’t enough, he has a catered Ice Cream Sundae bar come in later in the afternoon. How freakin’ cool is that!? I really like this, but at the same time it scares me - like when the old witch feeds Hansel and Gretel to fatten them up so she can eat them. I think they’re trying to make us fat so they can eat us (Maybe like that old alien mini-series “V” kind of way) I don’t care, give me free food (preferably KFC) and ice cream and I’ll sit on the ‘barbie’ any day.


I Want To Meet ‘George Glass’ Already

Or in this case Georgette Glass. There’s this ‘ kind of’ nerdy little guy at work, actually there are a lot of them, but this guy in particular has been telling people the last 2 years he has this “model-hot-Baywatch-smokin” girlfriend which nobody has ever met. Not even his mom he lives with. Nope, not at after-work things, office parties, Christmas parties, “bring your ‘other’ to work day”, nothing! It’s not that I would think differently about him if she did exist, but it’s pretty obvious she doesn’t. The Christmas party is in a month and I’m thinking Georgette Glass will be on her modeling tour in Paris, Iceland again.
I don’t understand why adults do this. It’s not like he’s in Jr. High and tells people he’s going out with Tiffany.


Really Funny Things My Daughter Is Doing Update

She has two friends around her age Audrey and Olivia; she calls them “Ah-DEe” and “Ah-Lee”. She can point to them and say their names, yet when she points at me she still says “MaMa!” and my wife “DaDa!”. And even worse, while at Target she still points to strange men and yells “DaDa!” Immediately afterwards, I’ll look at my wife, really disturbed, and say “Is there something you’re not telling me…!!” Guys get really freaked out when I do that.

Original Science Fair Project Ideas That Will Change the WORLD

My daughter’s school science fair is coming up soon. In fact, she just told my wife and I tonight that it’s happening next week.

After a robust and at times heated discussion about exactly how long has she known this information, my daughter and wife started listing a bunch of possible project ideas around simple scientific topics such as butterflies, volcano’s, mold, bugs, heat, cold, etc. to which I answered to all of them – boring.

Kids have been using those science fair topics for thousands of years ever since that one episode of “The Brady Bunch” where Bobby made that volcano explode in the backyard.

Oh Bobby.

I think my daughter should choose a topic with real groundbreaking information that will change the course of humankind and the world, forever. Something of real value and not something dull like the stages of an egg or the growing of mushrooms. As long as it ends up in an omelet nobody really cares.

Some innovative ideas of value:

What is the effect of Lionel Richie’s Mustache on Women?
Hypothesis – Scientists and mathematicians have been trying to figure this out for years – is the mustache the secret to Lionel's success and the ladies affection just as it is for Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds? Enquiring minds want to know.

Experiment – Make Lionel shave and then sing “Hello.”

Early Conclusion – I’ve just given this topic a little more thought and think I’ve figured out the answer: The blind woman that sculpted his head in clay INCLUDED the mustache.

Answer: Huge affect

How many licks to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Hypothesis – Was Mr. Owl right?

Experiment – Make a run to the nearest 7-11 and test it out.

Conclusion (hindered) – Find somebody that actually likes Tootsie Pops or maybe substitute with something better like Chewy Sprees or Popcorn Chicken from KFC.

Why do you have to be so delicious?

Does a visit to Chuck E. Cheese affect a Child’s probability to become a compulsive gambler later in life?
Hypothesis – Children walk around Chuck’s with coin-filled cups mesmerized by flashing lights, high-pitched sounding machines dropping hundreds of coins into them, losing all sense of time, while given access to all-you-can drink fountain beverages, horrible food and awful musical entertainment. Is Chuck’s really a training ground for slot hogs?

Experiment – Reconnaissance work:

Carpets that smell like cigarettes, vomit, tears, and urine

Entertainment: Chuck’s Band

Celine Dion

Conclusion – Yes