This is a job for "Supernanny"

She just makes parenting look so easy. That's why I'm considering a new business idea, maybe "franchising" or partnering with TV's Supernanny on some emergency child call service. Like the way you call a 24-hour Plumber to fix a clogged drain or a Gardner to fix a broken sprinkler on Sunday. This is would be for desperate parents (with cash or credit) who just are at their wits end and need a quick solution to remedy a broken child. I think I know of a few parents who would pay for something like that. To get something like Supernanny’s guaranteed proven results-just like the TV show. My only criteria for these Supernanny 911 workers would be that they need to speak in an English accent (people who speak in an English accent, at least to Americans, seem to be much more intelligent -- even while ordering pizza or saying "Loo" instead of toilet). Oh and of course, they would need to have a teenager who gets A's, maybe B's, isn't on crack, dress like a Bratz doll, or wear baggy gansta’ clothes. As a new parent of a baby, I count that as good parenting. I'm going to be a billionaire...

Supernanny! (aka Jo Frost)

Nanny 911

Mary Poppins: The Musical

Dolls with thongs, and other childhood toys

Is nothing sacred anymore? The makers of Bratz Dolls apparently like to "keep it a little too real", by providing their dolls with some skimpy underwear. If you're like me and have ever seen these badly designed dolls you're probably not surprised. These things are supposedly sold to compete with Barbie (like if Barbie got hooked on Heroin and ran away from home to pursue acting). They're really ugly and some look like freakish transgender hookers (the kind Eddie Murphy and Hugh Grant like to party with) over in Hollywood. Unless you want your kid to grow up into a hoochie-mama, don't buy them. And if some kid buys one for my daughter as a birthday gift, I'm sending the doll to rehab.

ABC: Bratz Doll's Thong Surprise

Bratz

Pizza Hut, You let me down.

What does a guy have to do to get a Cheesy Bites pizza?! So I see the Pizza Hut Super Bowl commercial on the Internet that night and for some strange reason I really wanted that pizza. Maybe it was Jessica's boots giving me subliminal messages or Miss Piggy's crazy motionless Sandy Duncan eyes. But let me tell you, when she starting throwing those cheesy bites at those kids at the table, I opened my mouth too - hoping to catch one. Back-story, I never order pizza from Domino's, Pizza Hut, etc. They pack so much sugar in those pre-fabbed "Tang" style pizzas. I wouldn't be surprised if they actually cooked themselves on the hood of the pizza delivery guys Pinto. But this Pizza was different, did you see that crust(?)-it has cheese! I called, like 3 Pizza Hut's near me (even willing to do "carryout") and all of them were out. Something about special dough or cows being union? Whatever. I swore to my wife and baby Sunday night "No more Pizza Hut ever! Not in my house!” But today.... I really want a Cheesy Bites pizza. Damn you Miss Piggy.

Pizza Hut: Cheesy Bites Pizza

Tang: The drink monkey's party with in space. And clean dishwashers.

Baby Bjorns (Carriers) aren't daddy friendly

What use to be a good idea when my 7-month old daughter was younger and wasn't moving much, has turned into literally a few kicks in the crotch. Over the weekend my wife passed the Bjorn to me while shopping and what came next was some crazy break dancing moves while holding my daughters legs to prevent her from doing any serious damage. I'm not entirely sure what the age limit is on these baby carriers, but maybe they need to include some dad warning on them. Or at least a cup, groin protector, vodka, or something. Or maybe the Swedish (Dutch?) did it intentionally to keep Americans from reproducing. I'm watching those Norwegians carefully...

Baby Bjorn

Super Bowl-sure whatever. Ads-Yes!

Funny thing happened today. The Super Bowl was on and I didn't even know it. Like the vast majority of friends, neighbors, etc. nobody cares about football here (except the ones not originally from L.A., like from the Midwest, South, San Bernardino). Blame it on Los Angeles having no football team, other things to do, good weather, or blame it on DVD's and video games like the movie theater owners. I've been to a few Super Bowl Parties in the past and they were Super Bowl 'commercial' parties. When the game was on, they turned it down, played music, mingled, ate food like sushi, citrus roasted Olives and almonds, fancy cheeses paired with wine, and when the commercials came on everybody goes silent, listening, laughing, talking about which agencies created them and with who’s "style". Yes, most friends here work in the entertainment business and that's what's most important to us. Not scoring a goal, or whatever it is they do in football. But recently, why even turn on the game when they post the commercials up on the Internet? Maybe next year, I'll get a little more notice when something like this Super Bowl happens. I think there's a guy or two in the office that watches football (or was it basketball?) because there’s nothing like good food and a good laugh with friends.

iFilm: 2006 Super Bowl Ads

Infant colds and snot bubbles...

To some parents we're pretty lucky that at 7-months, our daughter had her very first cold this week. It seems some babies are endlessly sick since their first month. An interesting thing nobody ever mentioned to me was the infamous snot bubbles that appear under noses that look exactly like the plastic bubbles (the kind in the toothpaste tube with the straw) I use to make as a kid. I swear one earlier this week, had to be about 7 inches round!! Unfortunately my camera wasn't nearby to share with the world. It would also have made a great picture slide to show at her wedding (30 years from now). I'm keeping it within arms reach these days; to me it's like snapping a picture of a Yeti. Except shinier.

Science eStore: Plastic Bubbles

Flickr: Snot Bubble

Real estate agents scare me

I've decided that don't want my daughter to become a real estate agent when she grows up. The kind that put their mall "Glamour Shots" picture on signs, billboards, door hangers, magnetic refrigerator calendars, junk mail, notepads, "important numbers" cards, etc. The ones in our neighborhood actually come around knocking on doors with stuff like cookie cutters asking questions such as "Are you sure you don't want to sell? Your dog wants you to. And so do your neighbors". Within the last week, our friendly neighbors put their house on the market, on a whim, and it sold in 6 days. I blame the agent and the free pumpkin she left on the doorstep with her large picture stapled to the best carving side. It’s a sad day in this housing market when agents have come down to the level of car salesman and Primerica agents (more careers off-limits to my daughter).

HomeGain: 2005 Top Producers

Wired: Cracking the Real Estate Code

Edmunds: Confessions of a Car Salesman

Rip-Off Report: Primerica

Teachers bahaving badly

There seems to be more teachers popping up in the news these days. It's pretty sad since we're friends with some of the good ones; these others make the bunch look bad. Here's a roundup of just a few that, at the very least, should get suspended without pay. A Kentucky high school teacher showed "The 40 Year-Old Virgin" to his Spanish class. A 30-year-old Florida teacher had a "relationship" with his 17-year-old student in which the teacher’s roommate had caught them and reported it to his father. In Delaware, a "former teacher of the year" was charged with groping a 17-year-old student who was babysitting his kids. A Santa Cruz, California substitute teacher was sentenced to one year in jail for playing the 'whipped cream game' (which he filmed) encouraging several young boys to lick whipped cream off their toes at a slumber party at HIS house. What kind of parent would let their kid attend a teacher's slumber party?!

News Observer: Class watches '40-year-Old Virgin' movie

Miami Herald: Teacher could avoid charges

SF Gate: Former substitute teacher sentenced for 'whipped cream game'

Cape Gazette Cape High School teacher arrested for improper sexual contact

Smart Marketing: The "Magic" candy jar that refills itself

On the reception desk at work there lives what I call "The Magic Candy Jar", because everyday is refills itself with good candy (like chewy sweet tarts, nerds, spree's, etc.) and none of that nasty generic Tootsie Roll business. This company, with an ad on the jar, (I can't remember the name but that's not important) fills it up at least twice a day. That’s a company that I'll do business with. One that understands that free candy (the good stuff, not Tootsie Rolls) is the way to get customers. Although I don't know what they do or what services they offer, I'm more than willing to tell others around the office what good candy this fine company has provided at our reception. Because I like the way that company thinks. Whoever they are, or whatever they do.

Wacky World of Willy Wonka

I admit it. I'm a Baby high chair snob...

Yes, it’s true. Because I don't want an ugly plastic thing with some scary patterns of bear's, mickey's, or fish on it which come in colors that sting my cornea. You know them, as with most baby items you find at nearly all stores. But none are more hideous than a large plastic high-chair sitting outside to the public, open for all to see. High chairs in restaurants look more presentable than those things. So when my daughter started sitting up eating puréed peas, it came time to go searching. I was shocked to find not many out there but inevitably came up with the Svan (A very Ikea-looking high-chair, but without the low-price). You would seriously think that, with design-sensitive parents these days, baby companies like Graco, Fisher-Price, etc. would get real designers. I've just found another goal on my "things to do to make the world a better place" list. For the children, of course. Because no designer parent would want his or her offspring to eventually grow into a Honda Element, Toyota Scion, or worse - Pontiac Aztec.

Svan Chair

Car Talk: Ugly Cars