Turning Colonel Sanders Into Pumpkin

Guess who’s greeting "Trick or Treaters" at my house this year? That’s right Colonel Sanders himself! When I lost the battle of costumes this year (the KFC costume tributes staring my daughter) to my wife, I knew there had to be some other way to get “the colonel” into Halloween. It came to me when my wife asked if I had any ideas for the Jack-O-Lantern pumpkin…I thought for a second and then yelled ”KFC Baby!!”
Then the rest was history. I had to make the pumpkin stencil myself in Illustrator and Photoshop, it’s actually kind of a hack job, but I didn’t have much time. The J.O.B. is having a pumpkin-carving contest Tuesday so this version had to work. Wish me luck; I think first prize is a vacation to Fiji (I wish - in reality $25 Amazon.com gift certificate). But that doesn’t matter; it’s all about stopping at KFC before the judging and sticking chicken in the pumpkin. And after judging, me eating that “Finger lickin' good” chicken. Because that's what Halloween is all about - candy and chicken in a bucket (pumpkin).

By the way! If you're interested in my Colonel Sanders pumpkin stencil pattern for some 'Colonel Magic' of your own, click on the image and then save it to your desktop. You can use it for free! I recommend using some Pumpkin Masters tools. They sell them at Target. Please don't post this on your own site as your own (that would make 'The Colonel' very angry)

Halloween Candy Everywhere- At Work And At Home

On November 1st, I’m going to have an additional 10 pounds added to my ass (actually spare tire, it all goes around the trunk first).

Yessiree, thanks to all the Halloween candy people have at their desks, candy people drop off at my desk, buckets just sitting in meetings, and candy practically thrown on every assistant’s desk on the way to the bathroom or parking garage. It just sits there waiting for me to eat it. My self-control goes away during this time of year but now I really need to control it.
When I was younger (pre-30) I could eat all of this stuff like nobody’s business. But now, I can’t. Something happened somewhere along 29, 30, 31, 32, I don’t know – “the metabolism” slowed down almost to a crawl. I swear if I didn’t go to the gym I would look like my Dad (Weird Al Yankovic in that “Bad” spoof - well, almost) and that wouldn’t be good. In fact, I go to the gym religiously to prevent that from ever happening.

So I make a promise to 'this here' mighty Internet: this is my last year of eating loads of candy from people’s desks. Next year, I’m just going to say “No”. Unless people have Peppermint Patty’s (I love peppermint patty’s!) or Twix (I love Twix!) and maybe Three Musketeers (I like that sometimes) But that’s it!

When The Wife Overrides The Husbands Ideas For Their Toddler's Halloween Costume

So I lost the battle again this year. No Colonel Sanders, Chicken Suit & Bucket, Midget Sumo Wrestler, Gary Coleman (1983), Tattoo (from Fantasy Island), Pink Ninja (with evil bunny belt), or Accordion Monkey with a bag of pork grinds. No, not this year because my wife decided no daughter of hers was going to be any of those. She's a Fairy instead (not an evil one, punk rock one, fireworks one, or even Norwegian one) - just a Fairy (a really cute one though). I guess I can live with it. But next year, when she's talking more, she'll be asking for the Mr. T. costume - I can guarantee it!

We had some pictures taken of her in our neighborhood by a 'pro' photographer friend over the weekend. When you look at these, think of the costumes that could have been (I know I do...)-

"No Thanks, I'll Pass On the $250 Oil Change"

I still can't believe I actually said this, last Friday, at the MINI/BMW dealership in nearby Calabasas. As I stood there, in uncomfortable silence, I really had hoped the service writer was going to say "Haa! Just kidding!" but that never happened. I began to wonder if they meant Pecos or Dollars. When I quickly discovered the service person was serious, I wondered who in their right mind would ever pay that much to have oil changed and how come I was there. Yes, I know car dealerships like to screw people, but with a jackhammer and a smile?

My wife really wanted a MINI Cooper a few years ago. We were in the market for a new car, and the price wasn't too bad (and gas prices were starting to shoot up fast, the car averages like 37-41mpg!) so a MINI seemed like the best idea around. Oh and the car "looks" pretty cool too. And as a bonus MINI/BMW picked up all the oil changes and maintenance for the first 36,000 miles. Those sure were the days...then when you get use to the VIP service, they stick it to you (and want to recoup their costs - like drug dealers!). In my mind I thought, "O.K. how much can an oil change really cost at the dealer...$50 at the most?". I was wrong. Very, very wrong. When I asked what the $250 included (I don’t know - Don Perignon with an Angry Thai Midget Massage perhaps?) the service woman answered ‘service with a smile, a visual check, Oil and a filter’. Oh, AND the hazardous waster fee of $3 was included (whoopee!). She also added that the changing of the micro-air filter was also overdue, and I was ‘strongly recommended’ to replace it - that part was $60 - but you needed the "air filter replacement service" which was $280 (plus tax). When I asked what my discounted price was (I always ask for a discount, even at Wendy's) she said she could possibly take %10 off, if the manager said "O.K.".

All was not lost though! I did get my car battery replaced when it mysteriously died, and a pretty nice car wash too (at no cost), but no oil change. So over the weekend, I was on a mission - I took the MINI to the nearby trusty Jiffy Lube, only to get 'shooed' away. They told me they don't work on fancy cars like MINI's (the last guy there that tried to work on one got some serious burns trying to remove the filter without some ‘magic tool’). And the other car shop across the street said they've never worked on one and don't carry the parts. And the third place said, "Sorry - why don't you try the dealer".

Driving all around town - I could hear the evil David Hasselhoff laughing at me, from BMW/MINI's headquarters in Germany. I wondered why nobody warned me about oil changes in these cars; how did it come to this. Was this car even worth it?

I can't criticize the car too much. Besides the stylish looks and good gas mileage, the oil doesn't need to be changes every 3,000 miles like other cars - only every 15,000 -which is a science marvel for people like me who still don't understand how a car even moves. But hell will freeze over before I spend $250 on a freakin' oil change! Even if I have to change the oil myself (God, I hope it doesn't come to that...!)

What’s With All The "Trying To Be Sexy" Girls Halloween Costumes?

O.K. so I’m not complaining about those sexy costumes made for adult women, I’m a guy, and if I complained about them I would be lying. If women want to dress as naughty Bo-peep’s or Wench Chamber-Maid Pirates, I’m all for it. In fact, I wouldn’t mind buying the wife the entire collection. We're adults.
The part that really upsets me is that some of those costumes are creeping down to the teen and girls categories. We’ve been getting a lot of those junk mail ads from the local Party Shops, and seriously - I was gasping at some of the costumes they’re trying to peddle onto little and teen girls. The stockings, big platform shoes, skirts - they look like strippers? I kept thinking “Not my daughter, EVER!!!” Seriously, what kind of parent would buy this stuff for their kid? (No, that picture isn't one of them, I'm not posting one). You have to be a pretty sick parent to let your daughter wear that stuff (be a parent and say “No!”) And what are these companies thinking to even make stuff like that. I’m fine with the cutesy girl costumes stuff like Princesses, Fairies, Animals, Taxi Driver, etc. That's expected.

What I want to know is - how did we go from those to Brittany-Stripper-Cheerleader-Bratz-Doll Hoochie's on amateur night costumes? Is this the first year of this, or am I just now noticing now that I’m a father of a girl…? Seriously, this is a father of a daughter worse nightmare.

Random Thoughts for Oct. 19

I don't really have anything to write about. So here's a bunch of stuff on my mind right now.

*I think I mentioned Kentucky Fried Chicken about 80 times this week during random conversations at work. Subconsciously, I really want one of those Little Chicken sandwich-things.

*We NetFlixed "Thank Your For Smoking" and "Click", I was laughing during the entire "Smoking" movie and "Click" really surprised me - it was a little depressing and had a "family message" in it. Is Adam Sandler growing up?

*After listening to Sting talk about his new album "Songs from the Labyrinth" on NPR, I bought it off iTunes. It's actually pretty good, but it makes me want to go to sleep in a castle, in the Irish countryside, in the year 1678.

*The U.S. just hit 300 million people this week. Scary!

*While at Disneyland last Saturday, I overheard a conversation of 2 teen guys in line for Space Mountain talk about how "hot" the girl playing Ariel was. It reminded me of my friends and I in college trying to pick up on the chicks who were costumed characters. At the time, I thought it would be cool to get "Belle's" number.

*My daughter went in for her 15-month check up. She's in the 90th percentile for hieght and 50th for weight. I don't think I've ever met a parent whose kid is in the 50th for everything - does that kid exist?

*Fried Coke? First state fairs started deep frying Oreos, Candy Bars, Twinkies, Pickles on a stick and now Coke. I'm going to be the first to suggest deep frying butter and putting it on a stick. I'll make millions!

*Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. I didn't want to see this movie when I first heard of it. But now that Kazakhstan is upset… I want to see it. On Netflix though.

*Work just gave me a new laptop - 17" MacBook Pro - Sweet! Has anybody tried Photo Booth? Some of the pictures I take of myself look pretty scary with all of the effects. Everybody around here got new Macs (I've always been on one) but now we all share the scariest pictures, hang them up around the office, and try to guess who it is.

Funny? I Didn’t Know I Was ‘Disabled’ or ‘Handicapped’?

Maybe now DMV will give me one of those placards so I can park in those parking spaces?

There’s this freaky woman, maybe late 30’s early 40’s, at work that is one of our writers. She’s a mother of a 6-year old, and is really weird and very hippie (but not in a good stylish way). Both her parents are grad professors at a local “elite” school, which explains a lot of her kookiness (Her parents: “over-educated”. She's told me stories of how they use to do things like dress her as a boy - or 'gender-neutral clothes'- told her the world was going to run out of food in 1977, and they probably had something against using conditioner in hair). Most of us just kind of pass her off as "a little goofy", no big deal - it’s people like her that make work (and the world) more interesting to talk about.

So yesterday I’m in the kitchen “nuking” my lunch, she came in while I was stirring my grub with a fork, in my left hand-



Crazy Hippie: Oh my gosh, you’re left-handed!

Me: Yup, all my life….

Crazy Hippie: Did you know that’s a HUGE physical and mental deformity…

Me: Whaaa?

Crazy Hippie:….human’s are suppose to be right-handed, the brain is (blah, blah, blah)…. Left-handers have a very documented history of mental anguish and usually die very early because the world isn’t made for them. I made sure my daughter NEVER used her left-hand. How do you deal with this? Are you making sure your daughter doesn’t use her left-hand? You wouldn’t want her to be handicapped her whole life too...!

Me: (blank stare, then smile). So if I destroy you now I can blame it on my left-handedness? (chuckle)




What kind of medieval things is this woman reading? Next thing you know she’ll be giving me leeches if I have a headache.
As for my daughter, we’re still not quite sure if she’s 'lefty' or a 'righty'. She just sort of uses whichever hand is closest to whatever she’s grabbing. She doesn't discriminate. But if she ultimately decides to be a lefty, that’s fine with me.

Weekend At Disneyland's Halloweentime And The Pumpkin Patch

We went to Disneyland on Saturday with a friend, her daughter and their exchange student from some country I can't pronouce (It may be the one Borak is from - I don't know...?). Usually this time of year is perfect (traditionally light-crowds, cool weather, etc.) but they started decorating the park for Halloween this year and now everybody and their neighbors pack the place - it's looked like a Summer Saturday. It's amazing to me that all Disneyland needs to do is put up decorations and people flock to the place like moths to a lightbulb. Overall we had fun, there's nothing quite like taking my daughter to Disneyland, it's like everything is visual overload for her.
Anyhow, we did something unlike us; we stayed until the park closed - nearly 1am. We're never doing that again - imagine a 15-month old staying up late and then waking up at the usually time the next day. The result is a cranky kid.

Sunday we went to a pumpkin patch called Lombardi Ranch way out in a place called Saugus (where the requirement to live there is a huge truck, SUV and an RV parked on the street). This pumpkin patch is actually really cool. They have corn mazes, tractor rides, farm animals, play areas for kids, and lots of junk food. I love the junk food!


We met some friends there who have a little girl who's only a few months older than our daughter. Watching them both was pretty entertaining for us adults. Between the other Dad and I we probably took about 6,000 pictures (Typical first kid syndrome, I know.)
An interesting part of our visit was the scarecrow contest in the sunflower fields. Local schools and scout troops did most of them. I was laughing at some boy scouts scarecrows who created monsters with blood and a sign that read "Pack 885 is coming to get YOU!!!"

And right next to that was the girl scouts (same age 9/10) with a rainbow and happy scarecrows picking flowers with a my little pony horses.

I kept thinking, when my daughter is that age, she'll probably work on a Colonel Sanders scarecrow holding a bucket of unhappy crows. That'll show them crows!

Weird Searches To Creative-Type Dad

I occasionally look at the searches to this blog once in awhile and get a good chuckle, then I get a little worried.

Recent ones:

-jack in the box kangaroo meat (I don't care - I still like the place)
-baby mullets (I'm all for them)
-chicken art (Chicken's are very artistic)
-18 ways to make a baby (Only 18?)
-black angus waitress (No, I've never been one)
-does chuck norris do any other type of exercise (Nope, only round-house kicks)
-how to draw dad (always smiling with a a gold grill)
-pictures of men getting forced haircuts (Isn't that all married mens haircuts? When the wife says "you need a haircut")
-i am a kid and i want be a actor (..please don't. Look what happened to "the coreys")
-creepy doodlebops (I get a lot of searches for this one)
-does good metabolism make me poop (yes!)
-evil clothes (how evil?)
-where can a man get a perm (Boy, I wish I knew...maybe in a time machine set to 1986. You could get a good one like Hall & Oates)
-clothes for twins of evil (I'm getting more and more searches with "evil" in it...?)
-rose nylund costume (That's cool! I can be Dorothy - she has just as much facial hair as me)

It's Friday the 13th! Random thoughts: it's my sister-in-laws birthday (very fitting for her); the wife and I were planning on going to see Def Leppard and Journey play tonight at the Hollywood Bowl, but my leather pants are still at the cleaners (they've been there since 1983) and the decent tickets were $150! For that price they better be pouring sugar on everybody.

Business Trips And Uncomfortable Conversations

Last week my job sent me on a short trip to San Diego for some ‘Focus Group Testing’. This is when they basically bring in kids and we sit behind a two-way glass (eating fancy food and drinks) and a moderator talks/shows stuff to the kids getting their opinions while the parents are outside eagerly awaiting a cool $90. I enjoy them and these things are usually entertaining and extremely helpful (for the super secret projects that I can’t talk about or I may wake up one day in some garage in Ohio).

If you’ve ever gone on a business trip the worse part about it is sometimes the co-workers you travel with. Sometimes they’re cool, and sometimes they’re weird. And sometimes they share awkward information you don’t really want to hear or know about. This one girl (Who’s 30 - I call anybody younger than me girl for some reason) started telling me and this other dude about how she’s leaving her husband in two weeks. Say what? Talk about something I didn’t want to hear about last week (after just going through my own family restraining order drama). So I did something I normally don’t do – stayed silent and let somebody else talk (it was tough). I don’t know, usually in tough life stages like this, all somebody needs is to just talk about it without interruption and they’ll usually figure it out on their own (hey, I think I just figured out what therapist do, and they charge more…). But she kept going on and on. I felt pretty bad.

Then she started asking questions about my own marriage and the other dude’s relationship with his partner (he’s gay and lives with his partner and their 6 year-old daughter –she’s from his partner’s previous hetero-relationship…). I told her where I met my wife (in Paris) and why I knew I wanted to marry her (a whole other post), the other dude went on about his deal (which was very Jerry Springer-like except with a happier ending). She then got really quiet and didn’t talk to anybody for the rest of the trip.

I have this weird theory, and it came up again when the other guy and I were talking when this girl wasn’t around. Most women friends, co-workers, acquaintances go through this strange mid-life crisis at around 30 when their lives aren’t going the way they wanted. This girl and her husband were talking about getting pregnant for years, but she kept putting it off, making excuses like “the kitchen needs to be remodeled first”, “we need to get our furniture first”, “we need to go to Burning Man first”…and it never ended. In reality, she didn’t really want kids with him and she didn’t even know why show got married to him in the first place (Oh yeah, her sisters, friends, and parents liked him, so she thought they knew something she didn’t know yet). Ouch! We both felt really bad for this guy we never met.

In the end, my only advice to her was that if she did get back with him, don’t have kids hoping it’ll fix the marriage or make things better. I grew up in a house like that and it really, really sucked. It took years for me to repair, and in most cases children of marriages like that never get repaired, it goes on forever.

I should write fortune cookies.