The Day Santa Died

While waiting in a crowded line to see Santa, my daughter casually turned to me and said, “Hey Daddy, you know that Santa isn’t…”

It was just about then that everything went into slow motion.

The words jumping off my daughter’s lips, the shock on my wife’s face, the other kids within listening distance with the baffled looks; the expression on the other parent’s and grandparent’s faces.

Even the small dog wearing a sweater in a nearby pet stroller had the look of disgust.

As my daughter continued going on about “the 4th graders on the playground”, I quickly picked her up and moved her away from the area – for her own safety of course.
 
When we settled on a far enough place, we had a small conversation about those other children at school and the now low probability of them ever getting and iPad Mini for Christmas with that kind of talk.
At the same time a part of me died a little inside knowing my little girl is growing up way faster than I ever imagined.
Those years spent with excitement over meeting Santa and telling him how ‘extra good’ she’s been are pretty much over at the age of 7! How does this happen? When did 0-6 become the golden years of childhood?

Oh yeah, 4th graders on the playground. They’re to blame.

If I were the sheriff of this town, I’d have those kids locked up and then I’d put the key around the neck of that little dog with the sweater to guard it. 

A Whole Lot of Random Life Bits

Where does the time go? Seems like most of my life these days is recorded more on Instagram (@TonyCTD) or the hundreds of drawings/paintings my kids put up on the refrigerator, which by the way, can get a little overwhelming since something always seems to fall off if you just look at it.

Siblings: They’re Born to Annoy Each Other

A few things have changed now that my son is now 2 and a half. He’s mastered the art of annoying his sister. Two of the biggest problems going on right now:

•    When my daughter doesn’t “share” all of her food or dessert, he’ll cry and say “She HIT me!”
•    A few times she’ll come running to me practically crying saying, “He won’t stop pointing at me!” and then he’ll calmly walk into the room, while pointing at her.

Santa: Just Send Money?

There’s a part in “A Charlie Brown Christmas” where Sally has Charlie write a letter to Santa that I remember vividly. What I didn’t know is that I would experience that conversation nearly first-hand with my daughter’s recent visit with Santa:

Santa: So what do you want for Christmas?
Daughter: An iTunes gift card.
Santa: An iTunes gift card?
Daughter: Yes, for at least $25.

Grandpas: Their Dramatic Love Lives…

This has been a bit of a tough year with my daughter, as she doesn’t have a living grandmother like all of her friends.  My wife’s mother passed nearly 10 years ago and my grandmother, the one that raised me, passed away soon after my wife and I were married 13 years ago. It’s something that’s really been upsetting her the past few months, but we are fortunate with one amazing godmother that she sees multiple times a week and who has gladly been an amazing grandmother-type to both kids.
She does have a grandfather on each side of the family and both are under some weird circumstances where they’re both now living with their “lady-friends.” 

My daughter had asked me the other day, “So when grandma’s die, grandpa’s get lady-friends to live with them?”
I never, in a million years, thought I would have that kind of conversation with my 7-year old.

Dad Moment: Learning to Ride a Bike

There are certain moments with my kids that I know I going to remember forever. One of them happened recently when we finally took the training wheels off my daughter’s bike.
I ran up and down the street behind her, which by the way was exhausting! Obviously, I haven’t done any marathon training in awhile. Anyway, all was worth it as she was balancing on her own.
Then came the realization that my little girl is growing up way too fast.

WORSE CHRISTMAS JOB EVER: Santa’s “Last in Line” Elf

The worse Elf job isn’t a Dentist, it’s actually being the last person standing in line for Santa pictures at the mall.

At first, I didn’t think anything of it when Santa’s maybe 16-17 year old cashier girl Elf approached my family and gave me a handmade written sign on the back of a dinosaur experience ad that said “LAST IN LINE :) ”

Her only instructions were “Here, hold this and show it to people behind you.”

Exhibit 1: “LAST IN LINE :) ” handmade card on back of the dinosaur experience ad. Note irony of smiling face at the end of the note.

Then as she walked away I thought to myself, “Hmm, a little odd since it was a Sunday, just after noon, and just two weeks before Christmas.” But whatever - just flashing a sign to strangers shouldn’t be that big of a deal, right?

I was wrong. Terribly wrong…


Potential Customers #1: Couple with small infant--

I flash “LAST IN LINE :) ” card and smile.

Me: (pointing to cashier elf) Santa’s Elf up there gave this to me.
Dad: What’s that mean?
Me: We’re the last in line.
Mom: (I see anger forming) Well, where’s he going?
Me: I don’t know, she (pointing to cashier elf) just gave me this card.
Dad: It’s BARELY NOON!!
Mom: (definitely angry while looking at me) SCREW THIS!!

Then they walk away talking pretty loud. It’s a good thing the infant doesn’t understand english yet.

Potential Customers #2: Grandmother with with two small toddlers--

I flash “LAST IN LINE :) ” card and (try) smiling

Me: (pointing to cashier elf) Santa’s Elf up there gave this to me.
Grandmother: (Shocked) Are you joking?
Me: No, the (pointing to cashier elf) Elf up there gave this to me.
Grandmother: Where am I supposed to go? (Angry and peering into my soul…it burned.)
Me: …I don’t…I don’t know…maybe he’s going on break and is coming back…
Grandmother: (Starts talking in a foreign language. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard my gardener say a few of those words while screaming at his lawn mower when it doesn’t start…)

They all walk away and the kids look really confused.

Woman standing in front of us with infant turns around---

Woman: Wow, I’m sure glad I got here early enough before you guys.
Then she turned back around and resumed texting on her phone.

Potential Customers #3: Couple with lots of kids on a big stroller---

Exhibit 2: Big stroller. How on earth do they go shopping with these things without running over innocent bystanders?

I flash “LAST IN LINE :)” card and (force) smile

Me: (pointing to cashier elf) Santa’s Elf up there gave this to me.
Dad: What the...!
Me: We’re the last in line… the (pointing to cashier elf) Elf up there gave this to me. It’s not my fault. Go talk to the (pointing to cashier elf) …Elf. She’s the one that's done this.

Then the kids got upset, and then the wife, and then my kids get scared because the Dad is yelling at his kids and his wife and maybe mine and everybody else's too. And then they eventually leave. But then more people are behind them...!

I went over to the Elf that started this all and ask how long the wait was going to be because being the “LAST IN LINE :)” was a horrible experience. She said the Elf girl that normally holds the “LAST IN LINE :)” card didn’t show up to work. And then people that were paying for their pictures said it took them nearly an hour and a half to reach Santa.

I walked over to the woman in front of us, handed her the “LAST IN LINE :)” card, and then we left.
On the way out I told my wife I’m just going to take the Santa picture from last year and Photoshop new heads on the kids.

Done. And I saved us $35.

Christmas Is So Much Better With Kids. And Princesses Can Ice Skate?

I do think Christmas is much better when a kid is around; at least it is for me. And even better now that my daughter, now nearing 2 and a half is really beginning to understand the concept of Santa.

She made cookies with the wife - chocolate chip as requested by Santa and colored him a picture. In return I… I mean ‘Santa’ left her a big sketch of Santa eating the cookies and feeding some to the reindeer with a big note that said “Thank you! Make more chocolate chips cookies next year and maybe I’ll leave a bigger gift!”

It also included a small “P.S” on the bottom that said, “Poop on the Potty and you can have Rudolf.”
Gifts! Gifts! What did everybody get from Santa?

The wife got an iPhone from Santa since she’s been envious of his since he got it. My daughter got a “Fisher-Price Kid Tough Digital Camera” primarily because she always wants to use his expensive Canon camera and is always nervous when she just looks at it.

She absolutely LOVES her new camera and hasn’t put it down all day. The wife and I are quite entertained by her pictures (hmm... I’ve never considering taking 12 pictures of the ceiling fan or 30 of my feet…)
I’m thinking of setting up her own Photo Blog and maybe calling it “The Unknown World of Those Under 37 Inches” or “What Happens When You Give a 2-Year Old a Camera Project.”

Princesses Can Sing, Dance, Control Animals Actions, and Now Ice Skate...

We took my daughter to the Disney Princesses on Ice show Friday night – she loved it.
The last “On Ice” show I’ve been to was “Sesame Street on Ice” back in the late 70’s. All I remember was a huge Grover on skates, a disco ball, and an uncomfortably large Cookie Monster.

This show was a much better experience, except for the $6 crackcorn… or ‘Popcorn’, $10 cotton candy, or the $20 spinning light toys.
The only unsettling part of the show was when prince Eric and Ariel were doing a skate duet -- he picked her up by the legs and spun her with her head disturbingly close to the ice.
All of the parents covered their kids’ eyes as if they were about to have sex.

Christmas Picture Gallery

"Off-White Ceiling Fan: circa 2003""Lonely Unwatered Poinsettia"
"Paul Frank Socks on Little Feet"
"Self Portrait"

Merry Christmas: I hope you and your family had a great Holiday!

What To Do When A Child Stops Believing In Santa?! And Kids Birthday Parties Marathon

Yes I know I haven’t posted in awhile but between getting ready for Christmas, prepping for our Disney World vacation in two days, and the 5 birthday parties (3 in one day!) we’ve been to in the last week alone -- their isn’t much time for anything else.

The most interesting birthday party of the bunch was a Scooby Doo themed one in "the hills" with a Scooby and Shaggy impersonator.

During their whole comedy routine about 99% of the parents (entertainment-types) were standing in a nearby tennis court networking while this one mom and I were sitting near our scared kids. They were pretty frightened of the Scooby Doo -- I think maybe because his costume looked like it had a rough night in Tijuana, or maybe because he was holding his tail like a baton and would start hitting kids on the head with it.
When he came close to my daughter she jumped up, screamed and ran away into the crowd of schmoozing parents.

The best part was hearing these two sugared-out kids talk to Scooby:

Boy#1: (around 5 or 6) Hey Scoob! Do you smell your own butt?!
Scooby: (in his breathy Scooby voice) Whaaaat?
Boy#2: (around 5 or 6) Hey Scooby! You’re not going to smell my butt, are you?!”

(all the nearby children start laughing like the Charlie Brown/Peanuts kids…)

Scooby: (in a Brooklyn accent) Leave me alone kid.


Potty Training Update: The Santa Method

My patent-pending Santa Motivation Method (code named: S.M.M.) is starting to lose steam. I’m not sure where I went wrong, but my daughter doesn’t seem to care anymore about Santa bringing her presents on Christmas by going poop on the potty (Darn! A kid stopped believing – what do I do!? What do I do…!?)

In desperation, I made it a point to pass by Santa Claus in the mall today. Standing near the flimsy cardboard fence I knelt down to her level, and in a calm voice gave my recurring line “Remember, Santa only gives presents if you do poopy on the potty…all the time”

She looked at me, and then him. I could tell the wheels were turning (Come on, come one…take the bait...)
She looked me straight in the eyes and excitedly said, “That’s O.K., Santa bringing YOU lots of PRESENTS!!”

What? Santa Claus Makes Toddlers Behave And Use The Toilet…

Now that my daughter is nearing 2 1/2, Christmas in her eyes is proving to be very entertaining. The lights, the decorations, the songs, Santa Claus...
At first she was pretty freaked out about the idea of a big guy breaking into the house through the chimney, but now she’s fine with it because he brings presents. When wife sings, “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” she quickly interrupts with “no mommy, he coming to my house…to bring me PRESENTS!!!” (hooray!)

Upon seeing this supernatural influence, I saw a great opportunity to help with the potty training cause. I’ve told her Santa only brings presents on Christmas to big kids that use the potty…and guess what? Every time she sees any Santa, or any mention of him, she wants to use the potty. So far his magical powers seem to be working (hooray!)

Now I’m pushing Santa even more – like when she doesn’t want to sit down at dinner, or when she’s on the verge of a breakdown. I bend down to her level, get in real close, and say in a low serious voice, “Remember (slowly look around.) Santa ‘knows’ if you’re being bad…”
She stops and then her eyes get big (wheels turning), then looks around the area as if he’s hiding behind the sofa or in a parked car outside with binoculars.

I've created this coloring page every time I want her to use the toilet or behave:

"Santa Claus is watching" (coloring page)

I know this influence isn’t going to last forever so I’m taking full advantage... and then I’ll worry about the therapy bills later.