Monday, October 05, 2009

What To Do When There Are Monsters Attacking The House…

I’m not telling, I’m asking.

According to my 4-year old monsters keep attacking our house every night and according to her the only way to keep them away is to stay up late, sleep in our bed, eat Root Beer floats, and watch cartoons.

I think she’s lying because I do most of that already.
Well maybe not all of that. Just replace cartoons with ‘Glee’ and the ‘new’ Melrose Place (don’t judge me.)

Oddly enough this is the first time we’ve ever has to deal with nightmares. My daughter has never had any up to this point before, even, after that one incident we had awhile back with monsters behind our sofa. Or that incident with the Potty Training when I told her monsters ate poop in diapers and that’s why she needed to use the toilet.

Or that one time we watch some of Pirates of the Caribbean together.

Or that time we took her to a Tom Jones concert.

Or that time we watched Rambo. But she wasn’t really paying attention anyway because we were too busy playing Blackjack.

I just don’t get it?

So like the practiced and skilled father that I am, I stepped back from the situation and did some well-researched, logical, scientific studies on just what are the primary causes of children’s nightmares.

What Causes Children to Have Nightmares:
  1. Mom and Dad NOT locking the door
  2. Kevin Costner babysitting puppies
  3. Major events like starting a new school, divorce, death in the family, or new sibling
  4. Mom and Dad NOT locking the door
  5. Recent firing of Walt Disney Studios president Dick Cook
  6. The entire state of California on FIRE all the time
  7. Mom and Dad NOT locking the door
  8. Zombies attacking Orlando, Florida while on vacation there
  9. Lady Gaga
  10. Typhoons, earthquakes, mudslides, floods, and train derailments
  11. The Halloween display at Target
  12. Mom and Dad NOT locking the door

So now that I know the causes, I came up with some quick solutions…

How to Get Rid of Children’s Nightmares:
  1. Mom and Dad taking the time to LOCK the door
  2. The horn of a unicorn and crystal necklace
  3. Spraying the room with monster repellant (plain water)
  4. Leaving an uneaten box of KFC popcorn chicken downstairs before going to bed
  5. Child signing affidavit that they won’t whine or cry when getting ready in the morning until age 18
  6. Stranding Kevin Costner on an island with no movie camera, electricity, and friends
Any other suggestions?


painted maypole said...

I've found that playing Lionel Richie music scares them away... and is even more effective if doubled with a lionel richie-type scarecrow.

for a different kind of girl said...

I think it also couldn't hurt to have one of those little sprite/elfin folks riding the back of that unicorn, either. Kind of like in that Tom Cruise movie, Legend. But without Tom Cruise.

Also, I watch the new 90210. Mine is not a place to judge.

ericdbolton said...

My daughter told me she was scared of the firetruck. My son has a firetruck toddler bed. She hated going to her room to go to sleep.

Since I changed my work schedule, I've been able to get to her to fall asleep in her room. It involves a "super powered" vitamin and an invisible "super hero cape.

She says she has lots of them and puts them on her younger siblings occasionally during the day.

It's worked more than it hasn't. I'm thinking of just leaving Noggin on all night. So if she makes a break for our room in the middle of the night, she'll be distracted and go to the living room.

Anonymous said...

Well, my husband took the time to explain to our daughter in detail how one kills various types of monsters. This demystification may have something to do with why she never has bad dreams about them (it definitely has something to do with why all the other moms look at me like I'm some sort of nut whenever the child says something strange, so I don't know that I'd recommend it).

It hasn't done anything to dispel the nightmares about a flying octopus, however. Apparently holy water won't work on them. Go figure.

Anyway, I just stumbled upon your blog and think it's great, so I'm going to be following along. Good luck with your monsters!

Creative-Type Dad said...

Eric -- Noggin might have the opposite effect especially if You Gabba is on.

painted maypole -- I really like the Lionel idea. Maybe tuck a speaker in the scarecrow with him singing "Dancing on the ceiling."
I'm sure that'll send those monsters running back home to dance on their cave ceilings.

The Waylaid Wordsmith -- I've heard of this "flying octopus."
Although you might need something more powerful than holy water, like battery acid or those Fanta girls.

Surfer Jay said...

Hah. Yeah Costner will always do it.

WILLIAM said...

I get it. Mom and Dad forgot to lock the door. She walked in on them and it was explained to here that Mom and Dad were "hiding the monster"

Now she thinks there are monsters in the house, got it.

James (SeattleDad) said...

Loved the post. Wow, is William right?

I would add, not letting them watch an episode of Elmo's World with wigs that when removed from Elmos head make it seem like he is pulling his head apart.

ArtistUnplugged said...

Oh gosh, I don't have any good advice. Guess it wouldn't hurt to have the Colonel, dressed up as a princess, walk through the house banishing all monsters. Uh, er, lock the door.

Amrita said...

This is knee slapping Tony!
Specially the Tom Jones concert!

nonlineargirl said...

In my experience, you can't wake a kid up in the middle of a nightmare. Plus, how annoying is it to have them wake up and run into your room for help? So I suggest a cone of silence over the kid's bed. Won't stop the nightmares, but you won't hear them and she won't be able to get up and interrupt your precious sleep.

Then again, if I am not getting any sleep, why should anyone else?

Dad Stuff said...

An uneaten box of KFC? Impossible!

poker unlimited bonus said...

Before going to sleep, place a glass of water on the bedside table. Make sure you don't go to sleep with a hungry tummy nor a full one. I also have heard this will not keep your nightmares away but also the real monsters that might break in to your house. (Real as in terms of burglary/robbery)

mila.ibunajihah said...

this post tickles me... especially cause no.9..hiks

The man, the dad and the husband said...

At a dad's night out a while back, we were talking about this very subject.

My kid has never once been scared of monsters, halloween, the dark or anything. In fact, she loves scooby doo and 'goosebumps' movies. But you put on the 'violet boregard' part of the old willy wonka where she blows up into a blueberry and my daughter covers her eyes and shakes.

Who the heck knows what is going on in the minds of these kids :-).

Thanks for the post and the ideas. I may try having my kid sign something :-).