Inducing Labor. Because 40 Weeks is a Long, Long Time.

My wife is now 39 weeks pregnant and we’re told she’s ready to deliver at any time.

I forgot how stressful this “final stretch” was last time around nearly 5 years ago with our daughter.
Not being able to leave my wife for long or sleep at night as every move, ache, or whatever move she makes has me jumping up like an earthquake just struck. The uneasy feeling I get when she uses the bathroom for more than 3 minutes (“Is she having the baby in the bathroom; I think that can happen?”)
The stories I hear from random women at the gym or work that say things like, “I have this friend who went into labor and delivered a baby all within 5 minutes!”
And to top it all off, my 4-year old asked me today “Daddy, how is my baby brother getting out of mommy’s belly?” To which I answered matter-of-factly “Why, the birth canal, silly kid!” (ruffled her hair) followed by an uncomfortable laugh and then changed the subject quickly by asking her if she wanted ice cream.

We’ve had lots of ice cream this weekend.

Of course our midwife has given us a list of things that help induce labor naturally like: eating spicy food, go for a long walk, use primrose oil, stimulate the “nickels”, and having sex. All sound like a pretty good date night, doesn’t it?

Except the part knowing that there’s your baby’s head right down there!!

Tomorrow we’re going to a restaurant out here in L.A. (Caioti Pizza Café) that’s famous for having a special salad that makes women into labor. We tried it first time around years ago and it didn’t work. But we did get to write a funny letter in one of their pregnancy journals – something of a tradition they have there. We’re going to look at what we wrote years ago, write something again, and then try out the “The Salad” one more time.

In the journal maybe I’ll write something like, “your big sister had lots of ice cream this weekend and if this salad doesn't work I’m REALLY sorry if I bumped your head.”

Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

My wife is now 36 weeks and 2 days pregnant as of today which means we’re in full preparedness mode. I know this detailed information because of an awesome iPhone app for Men with pregnant wives.
The car seat is ready, the birthing kit is always with us, the midwife is on our cell phones speed dial, and I can boil water within 2 minutes.

I’m actually not sure what the point of hot water is anyway, but whatever, I’m prepared if the need should ever arise.

This part of the pregnancy that I remember the least with our daughter the first time around, as I was too busy worrying about my wife and the birthing part going well. This time I know what to expect and I'm fully prepared (I hope!) This whole pregnancy thing just amazes me to no end.

What amazes me even more is the weird and almost rude things people say to pregnant women in general. Not sure if they’re trying to be nice or sympathetic, but here’s a list of things heard that nobody should say:

Never tell a pregnant woman…

• Are you pregnant?
• You must have had a big lunch!
• Whoa! You look like you’re going to bust at any minute.
• Are you sure you’re not carrying twins/triplets?
• Can I rub your belly for luck?
• (Rub belly without asking)
  
• Does your back hurt? Yeah, I woke up this morning and mine hurts too.
• You waddle like a duck.
  
• You’re all puffy just like the stay-puff marshmallow man.
• I have dogs/cats so I know exactly what it’s like to be a new parent.
• Did you hear about the woman that had a 30-pound baby last week?
• You look normal from the back.

If you say any one of these then you deserve to get knocked over the head with a rolling pin.

What weird things have you heard?

Help! My Wife is Pregnant and Nesting, Again

I can’t help but to feel a little bad for my wife, or any woman pregnant, “with child.”

At 30 weeks she’s saying the strangest things, “how did this happen?” Can’t walk into a store without the belly bumping into things “did they shrink these aisles??” “Where did that jar/display/kid/truck come from?” And I feel bad having her walk anywhere since she has to lean backwards to move and sort of waddle. I want to attach a little wheel to the belly to help her get around.

I mentioned that once joking and she didn’t talk to me for 2 days. It’s been so long since our first daughter was born that I forgot pregnant women don’t like to joke around.
Unless, of course, you’re accidently shot in the head for saying such things - then it’s funnier than Sandra Bullock with a southern accent.

The best thing for any loving husband, like myself, to do is just smile and say things like “yes” to just about everything and don’t question the weird “nesting” home improvement requests like tree removals, garage storage racks, painting the entire house, planting an orange tree, change the brakes on the car, and other irrelevant things.

Yup, I’m just taking it all in trying to enjoy the baby kicks, a glowing stunning wife, the ultrasounds, an eager 4-year-old that can’t wait to be a big sister, and the anticipation of going through whole birthing experience one more time. There really is nothing in the world that even comes close to the birth of your child.

Besides, I can always joke about the weird things she (we) did later.

Things Never To Ask a 4-year-old And Other Exciting Stuff

I can’t even describe how busy we’ve been the past few weeks…

After 3-years of demanding and difficult work, my wife finally graduated from Pepperdine University with her MBA last weekend. I for one couldn’t be more proud of her. Working full-time, going to school, papers, group projects, and having a family wasn’t easy.
When she began our daughter was only 18 months old and at the time we thought it wouldn’t be too straining on our daughter and marriage when in fact, at times, it was downright stressful. But thankfully we all survived and she did it. We’re celebrating the occasion by going to Disney World all next week.
My advice for any spouse thinking of going back to school with little ones is to make sure you don’t overdo it and make time for your family. Take advantage of those breaks between semesters and plan on some time during the week too.

Last week in preparation for the graduation we asked our daughter what she was going to wear to the festivities. She announced that she would be attending the grand ceremony dressed as Cinderella.
That was interesting…

I Am On Facebook…Kind Of.

Thank you all for the invitations but regrettably I am not on Facebook under Creative-Type Dad. I wrote a post a few weeks ago about my dislike of “friending” people and all of the spam that comes with it about people doing stupid things like going to the bathroom, eating, walking to the car, and left the city life for farming. It all drove me insane!

That doesn’t mean that I’m not on it though. I am, but as an 80-year old bee farmer from Norway named Gjertson B Gjertson.
You can search and read about me but I am not accepting any friends. My wall is viewable to everyone and posts of my achievements in mindless Facebook games like Uno and Pet Society, as are my fandom of bacon and petitioning to get KFC to deliver popcorn chicken to my house.
On occasion, I sometimes post nonsense about Norwegian royal’s, news, or my interpretation of bee farming.
It’s all very touching.

And Speaking Of News…

My wife is pregnant with our second child! I can’t even begin to say how much I’ve wanted to spill the beans about this - I’m the worse person to hold a secret. But my wife wanted to wait until people started to think she was getting fat. The baby is due next May, which seems forever right now, but as with our first I'm sure the time will go by much too fast.
We find out what the sex is just after Christmas but that hasn’t stopped my daughter from coming up with names for the baby.

Some “name” suggestions:
-Peanut Butter
-Pickles
-Princess Ariel
-SaunaNana
-Bunny Rabbit
-Super Shiny Baby
-Lightening Bubblegum
-Rainbow
-Blue Waterfall
-Piggy Petunia
-Henry

In the car yesterday she asked me how the baby got into mommy's tummy.
The next few weeks, and months, should be really interesting...

Pregnant Women And Men Who Do ‘Pretty Good’ Manicures and Pedicures

I had an interesting conversation with a co-worker who is 37 weeks pregnant with her first kid (I personally think she’s going to give birth to a 4 year-old – this womans belly freakin’ huge!) She’s in the countdown phase right now; she only has a few days left of work and then it’s off to maternity leave. Something about pregnant women: they just love to talk about gross intimidate pregnancy details with fellow parents (dads included) about 'the boobs', marshmallow feet, pains in weird places, etc… they would never say stuff like this to non-parents. But I don’t mind, it’s funny to me. I’m a veteran of it all.

Anyway like any conversation people have with me, I get easily sidetracked:

PregMom: …the guy who does my nails told me….

Me: what? ‘the guy’ - a guy does your nails?

PregMom: …yes, so anyway, he was telling me that when his wife was pregnant…

Me: Hold on - he’s married, has a kid, and he does nails?

PregMom: Yes, and really good pedicures too! He’s the best in the shop.

Me: I’ve never heard of that. I wonder what his wife thinks about that?

PregMom: She really likes it, she get her nails done all the time. And he makes a lot of money.

Me: I bet he tells ‘the guys’ he paints houses, or Ferrari’s – ya’ know “Man Jobs”. I couldn’t do that for any amount of money. Unless, of course, I wore a mask and a cape, and had a Darth Vader voice changer box to hide my identity. Then it could be possible - but I would have to make a whole lot of money.

(Silence and blank stare)

PregMom: I’m feeling pretty sorry for your wife and daughter right now.

Moms? Is there such a thing? I’ve never heard of this. My only knowledge of this is (1) from my wife who goes to a spa once in awhile - but she would feel a little weird if a straight guy were working on here nails or feet. (2) My one straight pal who gets his man-manicure down at the Peaches and Cream (but he'll never reveal his secret of soft hands.)