Original Science Fair Project Ideas That Will Change the WORLD

My daughter’s school science fair is coming up soon. In fact, she just told my wife and I tonight that it’s happening next week.

After a robust and at times heated discussion about exactly how long has she known this information, my daughter and wife started listing a bunch of possible project ideas around simple scientific topics such as butterflies, volcano’s, mold, bugs, heat, cold, etc. to which I answered to all of them – boring.

Kids have been using those science fair topics for thousands of years ever since that one episode of “The Brady Bunch” where Bobby made that volcano explode in the backyard.

Oh Bobby.

I think my daughter should choose a topic with real groundbreaking information that will change the course of humankind and the world, forever. Something of real value and not something dull like the stages of an egg or the growing of mushrooms. As long as it ends up in an omelet nobody really cares.

Some innovative ideas of value:

What is the effect of Lionel Richie’s Mustache on Women?
Hypothesis – Scientists and mathematicians have been trying to figure this out for years – is the mustache the secret to Lionel's success and the ladies affection just as it is for Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds? Enquiring minds want to know.

Experiment – Make Lionel shave and then sing “Hello.”

Early Conclusion – I’ve just given this topic a little more thought and think I’ve figured out the answer: The blind woman that sculpted his head in clay INCLUDED the mustache.

Answer: Huge affect

How many licks to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Hypothesis – Was Mr. Owl right?

Experiment – Make a run to the nearest 7-11 and test it out.

Conclusion (hindered) – Find somebody that actually likes Tootsie Pops or maybe substitute with something better like Chewy Sprees or Popcorn Chicken from KFC.

Why do you have to be so delicious?

Does a visit to Chuck E. Cheese affect a Child’s probability to become a compulsive gambler later in life?
Hypothesis – Children walk around Chuck’s with coin-filled cups mesmerized by flashing lights, high-pitched sounding machines dropping hundreds of coins into them, losing all sense of time, while given access to all-you-can drink fountain beverages, horrible food and awful musical entertainment. Is Chuck’s really a training ground for slot hogs?

Experiment – Reconnaissance work:

Carpets that smell like cigarettes, vomit, tears, and urine

Entertainment: Chuck’s Band

Celine Dion

Conclusion – Yes

It’s Twenty-Twelve. Weird…

I’m not entirely sure what happened over the last month; it sort of just whipped by.
A rundown of what’s been going on:

1. Sadly, I still have Christmas gifts that I still have to mail. As a matter of fact, I’m looking at them now.
2. We bought a house "last year" and it's been a blessing and a curse renovating it as it was built in 1954 and hasn't been touched since. I got a new sewer main replacing the old ceramic one for Christmas!
   
3. My 1 ½ year old got a new Thomas the Train set and a few other random small toys - guess what his favorite toy is? The cardboard center to the paper towels. He yells into it like a bullhorn.
4. On New Year’s Eve I fell asleep at 9:30. I was hoping to watch that ridiculous but highly entertaining movie, “2012” but that didn’t happen.
5. We didn’t go crazy with gifts for our daughter this year, just a few small stocking stuffer's and some American Doll clothes and a playset she really wanted. Her favorite “toy” of choice: the small Snoopy notepad that she uses to take restaurant orders or to write police tickets to her baby brother – like this one:

Translated it says, “You get a ticket for closing the door on a police officer.” My son also likes to slam doors on people after he yells at them with his bullhorn.

Obviously, as of January 1st, that’s now illegal in California.

WORSE CHRISTMAS JOB EVER: Santa’s “Last in Line” Elf

The worse Elf job isn’t a Dentist, it’s actually being the last person standing in line for Santa pictures at the mall.

At first, I didn’t think anything of it when Santa’s maybe 16-17 year old cashier girl Elf approached my family and gave me a handmade written sign on the back of a dinosaur experience ad that said “LAST IN LINE :) ”

Her only instructions were “Here, hold this and show it to people behind you.”

Exhibit 1: “LAST IN LINE :) ” handmade card on back of the dinosaur experience ad. Note irony of smiling face at the end of the note.

Then as she walked away I thought to myself, “Hmm, a little odd since it was a Sunday, just after noon, and just two weeks before Christmas.” But whatever - just flashing a sign to strangers shouldn’t be that big of a deal, right?

I was wrong. Terribly wrong…


Potential Customers #1: Couple with small infant--

I flash “LAST IN LINE :) ” card and smile.

Me: (pointing to cashier elf) Santa’s Elf up there gave this to me.
Dad: What’s that mean?
Me: We’re the last in line.
Mom: (I see anger forming) Well, where’s he going?
Me: I don’t know, she (pointing to cashier elf) just gave me this card.
Dad: It’s BARELY NOON!!
Mom: (definitely angry while looking at me) SCREW THIS!!

Then they walk away talking pretty loud. It’s a good thing the infant doesn’t understand english yet.

Potential Customers #2: Grandmother with with two small toddlers--

I flash “LAST IN LINE :) ” card and (try) smiling

Me: (pointing to cashier elf) Santa’s Elf up there gave this to me.
Grandmother: (Shocked) Are you joking?
Me: No, the (pointing to cashier elf) Elf up there gave this to me.
Grandmother: Where am I supposed to go? (Angry and peering into my soul…it burned.)
Me: …I don’t…I don’t know…maybe he’s going on break and is coming back…
Grandmother: (Starts talking in a foreign language. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard my gardener say a few of those words while screaming at his lawn mower when it doesn’t start…)

They all walk away and the kids look really confused.

Woman standing in front of us with infant turns around---

Woman: Wow, I’m sure glad I got here early enough before you guys.
Then she turned back around and resumed texting on her phone.

Potential Customers #3: Couple with lots of kids on a big stroller---

Exhibit 2: Big stroller. How on earth do they go shopping with these things without running over innocent bystanders?

I flash “LAST IN LINE :)” card and (force) smile

Me: (pointing to cashier elf) Santa’s Elf up there gave this to me.
Dad: What the...!
Me: We’re the last in line… the (pointing to cashier elf) Elf up there gave this to me. It’s not my fault. Go talk to the (pointing to cashier elf) …Elf. She’s the one that's done this.

Then the kids got upset, and then the wife, and then my kids get scared because the Dad is yelling at his kids and his wife and maybe mine and everybody else's too. And then they eventually leave. But then more people are behind them...!

I went over to the Elf that started this all and ask how long the wait was going to be because being the “LAST IN LINE :)” was a horrible experience. She said the Elf girl that normally holds the “LAST IN LINE :)” card didn’t show up to work. And then people that were paying for their pictures said it took them nearly an hour and a half to reach Santa.

I walked over to the woman in front of us, handed her the “LAST IN LINE :)” card, and then we left.
On the way out I told my wife I’m just going to take the Santa picture from last year and Photoshop new heads on the kids.

Done. And I saved us $35.

Disney World – The Most Tiring Place on Earth

I think I’ve finally recovered now that we’ve been back for a week.

No doubt about it, all of the kids we traveled with loved the place and all of the adults seemed to have fun as well - eating and drinking at EPCOT is a huge reason alone to go. And in hindsight I really enjoyed spending time with my family, some in-law's we hadn’t seen in a few years, and our friends that traveled along with us.
The only problem I really had was waking up early, walking and waiting in lines all day, and then getting home at around 10-11PM at night…for 6 days in a row!

The place is a marathon of endurance and all while spending enormous amounts of money for simple things like a bottled water ($3), popcorn ($3), and pretzels ($1 million!) I finally did try a Turkey Leg, but the $9 price and the fact I looked like Fred Flintstone while walking around with it prevented me from buying another.

I told the wife at day 4, 5, or maybe 6 (I don’t really remember as the days all seemed to have blended together towards the end) that next year we need to go someplace relaxing where we don’t have to move much and someplace that can keep the kids entertained for at least half of the day so we can sleep.
Then on the Disney bus ride back to the airport, they showed a commercial for a new resort out in Hawaii with parents having drinks and sleeping on a beach while the kids are running around in a kids program with Goofy.

Hawaii? OK, I'm listening...

Talk about brilliant marketing and timing. If I hadn’t spent so much on bottled water, popcorn, and a Turkey Leg I would’ve asked the airline to take me directly there from Orlando.

Flying with a Toddler: Follow-up
I’m impressed with all of the suggestions and comments in the last post - Thank you! I did try a few out with my 18-month old son. Most worked for a bit, namely the small new surprises idea, but in the end the iPad beat everything out.
I did download around $30 worth of iPhone/iPad apps and ripped a few kids movies onto the thing.

I thought I’d share a few apps that REALLY kept my son and daughter (and me) entertained:

A Charlie Brown Christmas - Great interactive storybook of the TV special.
Don't Let the Pigeon Run This App - Very nice and clever cartoon/storybook using the kids' own voice.
Elmo's Monster Maker HD - Make your own Muppet and then it interacts with you and Elmo. It's a little short, but my son loves it.
Where's My Water - My six year old, wife, and I are completely addicted. And shockingly this game is only $1 for both iPad and iPhone!
Harold and the Purple Crayon - Another well done interactive storybook of the classic story.
Toca Tea Party, Toca Birthday, Toca Store - Pretty much anything done by this developer "Toca Boca" should be bought. Completely clever not quite games but "toys" that get everybody playing together.
Scribblenauts Remix - Amazing solving game and pretty much anything your imagination comes up with. I still can't get over how large this game is - type anything in and it appears. My daughter and I just had fun coming up with weird scenarios and watching Ninja's fight with dinosaurs with hats!


An Airline Steward That Hates Toddler’s and Children:
I can’t even begin to describe how truly disappointed I am with my favorite airline in the entire world – Virgin America. I’ve been a die-hard fan for years now literally going out of my way to make our planning work out with their plane schedules just so we can fly on their fancy planes. But then something devastating happened on the flight back home.

And this isn’t something small and petty either - it was downright cruel. So bad that even others around us were horrified. I still can't believe it...

Anyway, I’ve contacted Virgin America and am now waiting for response; if I don’t hear back from them then I'll share the experience.

Vacation - Good. Taking a Toddler on an Airplane – BAD!

We leave for Disney World soon and I couldn’t be more thrilled about finally being able to take some time off of work to spend time with my wife, kids, some friends, and some family we haven’t seen in over 5 years.

But with all of the excitement comes dread – my son is now 18-months old and has literally two setting: RUN and sleep. Saying he’s a bundle of energy is an understatement.
I first considered buying him a seat on the airplane, which of course is HIGHLY recommended by the airline and “experts.” Problem is, when my daughter was around 19-months we flew with her car seat and she kicked the seat in front of her for hours. Yes, hours, even with us trying to hold her legs down. Try holding toddlers legs down for a few hours?

Yeah, that’s the part the airlines and those “experts” don’t tell you about. The lady in front of us had every right to shoot us. I should have given her permission to shoot the stupid expert who thought putting a car seat in an airplane was a good idea – especially now that the seats are even closer together these days. My recommendation, don’t put a toddler in a car seat in an airplane unless you really want the entire plane against you. Most people are already not caring or concerned for parents and small kids on airplanes as it is.

Anyhow, we’re tried the Benadryl idea with my daughter when she was just about 2-years old and it created horrible results. Instead of sleepy or drowsy she became irritable and hyper. We read later that you’re supposed to “test” it first. So this time around we tested it with our son and it seemed to chill him out. I guess the ultimate test will be the upcoming 4 and a half hour flight.

But I’m looking for alternate ideas. Parents of the world, PLEASE tell me your secrets to a successful airplane flight with your toddler?

When Did Innocent Fairy Tale Costumes Get Trampy?

I’m beyond disturbed…

My daughter wanted to be Dorothy from Wizard of Oz this year because she saw some other girl her age wearing the costume and she’s a huge fan of the movie.
Well, only the singing parts of the movie she watches on YouTube. And she really likes the idea of carrying a Toto stuffed animal dog in a basket.

So of course when she asked, “Can I be Dorothy this year for Halloween?” We said, “sure, all right” that sounds pretty cute and innocent enough; it is a classic gem of a movie and it’s even got midgets and monkeys.
So I Googled it to look at some shopping options and to my surprise a whole lot of options came up for all ages.

From toddler

To elementary

And then this one was listed as teen

And then this...?!

Hells no! What kind of message is this sending to young girls when they’ve taken an innocent childhood character and have made a progression of her from toddler to lap dancer? I don't want ever want my daughter to see costumes like that which are suppose to be the same character as her.

They’ve even made a “sexy” Tin Man costume...


Seriously? The Tin MAN. The Tin Man is a MAN, not a sexy woman. Who designs this stuff?

What’s next “Elmo?” Oh, wait – they ALREADY MAKE ONE!


My advice for Halloween costume designers: sure, make sexy costumes for adult women, but stay off the characters that are made for kids. Don’t ruin fairytales and classic movies.

Some suggestions so workers in China can stay employed in the Halloween costume industry--

NOT OK: Dorothy, Belle, Jasmine, Snow White, etc.

OK: Sexy KFC Bucket of Chicken

28th Annual FREE Halloween Pumpkin Stencils

I really haven’t been creating these stencils that long, it just sounds much more dramatic.

This year was another tough one, trying to come up with some ideas that outshine my Lionel Richie and Colonel Sanders pumpkin stencils from past years.
In fact, this year I am making the KFC one again just because I FINALLY got a Colonel Harland Sanders costume after years of searching. And that’s not even the best part – my job paid for the costume, as I needed something impressive for a PR event.
The only thing that can outshine that is getting free popcorn chicken.

And if my wife let me dress our 18-month old son in a chicken costume.

Most of my designs this year come from reader requests and one from my daughter of her now favorite movie of all-time, “Xanadu”, a 1980 romantic musical fantasy roller-skating disco film with Olivia Newton John. Obviously her mother had NOTHING to do with that.

This year’s free pumpkin stencils (click to download):

Spiderman

Kira from Xanadu

Apple


Snow White and Apple


Transformers

Past year stencils are linked here: Lionel Richie, KFC Colonel Sanders, Peanuts/Linus and the Great Pumpkin, Princess and the Frog, Evil Queen, Fairy, Ninja, Star Wars: Chewbacca, Gary Coleman, Jack Skellington.

Use Disclaimer: I just ask that these be used non-commercially, and not used for T-shirts, sold items, as in Zazzle or Etsy type-places (seeing my fan art for sale on items without my knowledge or permission REALLY SUCKS.)
Please DO NOT reposted the art anywhere else. You may link to them on Facebook and such or print them out for personal use only.

Where Does The Time Go?

I know it’s been awhile, but it’s been getting harder finding the time to post these days.

In between the commotion at work, my daughter just starting 2nd grade, my son growing too fast, and all of the extra time I spend playing games on my “Fakebook” account -- my phony Facebook account where I’m a 72 year old bee farmer from Norway – there just doesn’t seem to be enough time in the day anymore.

What I’ve been up to:

Screw the Environment – Wipe Your Butt!
My daughter started second grade this school year and they’ve been getting a little more environmentally conscious in the curriculum.
Things went a bit too far recently when after my daughter ran out of the bathroom and I asked, as I normally do, “did you wash your hands and wipe your butt?” she said, “No! That’s wasting trees and water!”

My Wife’s Mutant Chiropractor is on YouTube?
My wife started appointments with a “wholistic chiropractor” over the summer. I don’t like him. The guy is a freak and looks like a creepy, even more mutant, version of Wolverine.

She convinced me to go to one of his 3-hour seminars where he pretty much claimed he could cure anything from bad breath to preventing an asteroid hitting the earth through the magic of chiropractor arts and his adamantium hands.


16-Months Old With Super Chubby Legs and Cheeks
I have a problem. I can’t stop squeezing my sons cheeks and squeezing his chubby legs. I can’t help it, he’s squishy.

Questions To Ask a Prospective Nanny
We scrambled last month trying to find a new nanny for our kids as our last one decided she didn’t want to be a nanny anymore; she wanted to be a nail salon receptionist instead.
My daughter put together a few questions to add in the interview process...

1. What’s your favorite color and is it purple?
2. Do you have a cat and can you bring it with you because my Daddy won’t let me get one.
3. How often will you take me and my baby brother to Jamba Juice? (local smoothie place)
4. Have you ever seen [the movie] Xanadu?
5. What games do you have on your iPhone?
6. What would you name a horse that’s purple?

Hitting Rock-Bottom…
I recently let my gym membership expire after 10 years. I was going pretty consistently 4-5 times a week for years and was quite proud of myself, even to the point of doing a couple of 5K and 10K’s. But got burned out and with work, the kids, the fakebook games, everything else that going on, I didn’t rush to get another one. Until…

I was waiting for my wife in the car, while at her appointment with Wolverine, and an old gym friend walked and saw me stuffing my face with (delicious) KFC popcorn chicken and fries.

I signed up for another gym shortly thereafter. Then my wife said Wolverine offered to help cure my KFC addition.

A Letter from the Tooth Fairy

My daughter lost her first tooth this week and it was quite the historic occasion as it had been wiggling for nearly 2 weeks.

My wife and I finally had enough and just pulled the thing out. Which wouldn’t have been too bad if it weren’t for blood that appeared everywhere which, in turn, ended up completely freaking her out. She kept screaming while crying, “OH NO!!! I’m spilling BLOOD!!! Now vampires are going to EAT ME!!!”

Her ex-nanny was really into Twilight.

The drama was finally over after I calmly explained that vampires only live in the Seattle area, then she became excited wondering how much the tooth fairy was going to leave her.

Oh yeah…completely forgot about that part.

Her friends at school have told her that they’ve gotten anywhere between $2-10 a tooth, which I find a little much. In my day, I remember getting a quarter ($.25) and that was only if I didn’t swallow or lose it first. My wife on the other hand didn’t get any money, the tooth fairy in Ohio left her underwear and socks.
My daughter didn’t want underwear or socks, “just the money.”

I reassured her that there wasn’t anything to worry about as we don’t live in Ohio and we weren’t planning on moving there anytime soon.

“Good! That sounds like a bad place to lose a tooth” she replied with relief.

After she tucked her tooth behind the pillow and we kissed her goodnight she asked, “What does the tooth fairy do with all of the teeth anyway?”

“I don’t know? Maybe she’ll write you a letter...”

So after my wife and I negotiated and settled on a sum of $2, without addition of socks or underwear, she ran to the ATM and then stopped somewhere to get change while I was at home writing.

Here's the letter:

Dear Gillian,

My name is Natasha and I’ve been assigned to be your Tooth Fairy! Thank you for the shiny, well-brushed tooth. I can tell you’ve taken really good care of it. Because of its condition I have left $2.00 USD in its place.

In case you were wondering, most teeth go into the Tooth Fairy collection vault in the Tooth Fairy castle in the clouds where they are guarded by large white unicorns to keep vampires away. But sometimes special ones, like yours, are used for new babies.
Don’t worry! Your baby brother already has all of his baby teeth so he won’t be getting any of yours. That would be kind of gross, wouldn’t it? (LOL!)

I look forward to working with you. Next time leave freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.

Sincerely,

Natasha
“Tooth Fairy #227”

P.S. I’m SO glad you don’t live in Ohio. The law there requires us to give underwear and socks instead of money.

And here's a printable Tooth Fairy letter in case you want to make one of your own..

(Click to print)

Summer Camp Ruined My Kids’ Career Ambitions

Tomorrow is my daughter’s last day of Summer Camp and for the most part it’s been a pretty good experience for her. Especially after spending that initial month with our visiting teenage niece from Ohio (read previous post for more on that.)

She’s made lots of new friends at Camp, her days have been filled with lots of activities and field trips to places that I am grateful they take her to so that I don’t have to.
Well just one place really, “Chuck E. Cheese’s” or as I like to call it, “Yuck E. Piece’s.”

When she came home after a field trip there she proudly announced, “Daddy, guess what? They built Chuck E. Cheese back after that fire you said burned it down! Hooray!!”

I keep wondering if she would believe it caught fire again.

Summer Camp has different themes daily and today was “When I grow up…” Day. The kids had to draw a picture of what they wanted to be when they grow up, then at the end of the day dress in that role and then talk about why they chose it.
So of course these were lots of Doctor’s, Astronauts, Football Players, Magicians, Singer’s, Musician’s, Teachers, Artists, etc.
My daughter held out her rolled picture of what she wanted to be and eagerly asked me to open it.
I kept wondering which of the many things it was as she’s had quite a career range these past few years: Artist (just like Daddy!), Ballerina, A Pink Truck (when she was nearly 3), Teacher, and most recently a Veterinarian.

Nope, none of it - she wants to be a cleaning lady:

(Actual drawing is on the wall at Camp, but will be posted… )

When I asked her what happened to a career in the field of Veterinarian arts, she said that she changed her mind because if a Tiger came in she would be scared and cry.

And cleaning ladies get to use vacuums, just like the ones they use in Summer Camp.