How To Deal With Kids Nightmares

*3:12 AM

I was awoken abruptly by my 5-year old standing 5 inches from my head saying he was too scared to sleep because Zombie’s outside were going to eat his brain if they got in the house.

Then he started walking over to my sleeping wife to which I told him immediately, in a whisper-panic, “NO, NO! NO! Don’t tell mommy!!”

Why? Because then I would get in trouble and that just can’t happen (again.) 

Yesterday, I downloaded this game Plants Vs. Zombies to his iPad after he saw some older kids playing it over the weekend. And by "older" I mean 6-7 year old’s. He thought it was cool because they thought it was cool and couldn’t stop talking about it. 

I played the game years ago and loved it, so I thought, “Hey! A fun little Zombie game were they’re attacking a house, and when they get in, they mumbled 'brains'... and a guys yells 'NOO!!’, and then you hear crunching noises, wouldn’t be so bad for a 5-year old... right?”

Well, at the time it seemed like a pretty good idea. 

So I did what any sane and tired parent would do. I put him back in his bed, kissed his forehead, and told him as long as he doesn’t wet his bed he has nothing to worry about. 

Preschool Graduation: just like watching an episode of the Muppet Show except with lots of crying!

And it wasn’t the parents doing the crying. 

My son graduated preschool yesterday, which is a little bittersweet, because it still amazes me how fast the time just flew by with the second child. Sometimes I just stare at him and think, “whoa little man - when did you get so tall? And how did you beat that FRAMED game on your iPad all by yourself? I can’t even do that. ”

I must admit preschool graduations have to be one of the most entertaining events on planet earth. I nearly forgot as the last one I’ve been to was around 5 years ago when my daughter graduated.

Kids walking out, all confused, waving at parents, making weird faces, pretending to poop/fart in the air. Then there’s always that one that refuses to walk out standing with her arms crossed looking angry like somebody just told said she couldn’t have any candy ever again, or a unicorn, while the teacher is bent over trying to negotiate just like arms treaty with communist Russia.

Hopefully, quiet and calm gets the job done.

While all of the kids were singing the infamous, “kindergarten here we come” song one girl stood at the end crying for her mom to take her home ‘now.' The kid next to her turned his entire body and stood quietly to just *stare* at her while the other kids were singing in the same key William Hung but with the energy and stamina of Beyonce’. 

For a moment I thought a giant hook was going to appear off the side of the stage and pull her away. 

When it was all over my son got a little upset about never going to school there ever again. Hard to believe this was the same kid which 2 hours earlier didn’t want to go to preschool because he would rather play baseball in the backyard instead. 

He took pictures with his friends and on the way out, ran away from us to hug his teacher, Miss Julie. He told her that he would "miss her forever" in a dramatic tone that sounded like she was about to die - she was even taken back a bit. 

Then he ran back to us and calmly asked if we could get stop and ice cream on the way home. 

The Unthinkable is Happening…

I’m coming to the realization that I’m slowly turning into my Dad.

At Kohl’s with my wife, I was browsing around and actually considered buying a pair of Dockers pants because they looked comfortable and very practical (wrinkle-free!! When did that brilliance happen??) When we eat at a restaurant and my daughter, or any other family member, barely touches their food - I end up eating the rest. And don’t even ask me to tell a joke in a crowd.
It’s like an alien is taking over my body and I don’t know who I am half the time. The next thing you know I’ll be wearing sandals with socks while mowing the lawn, have a beer fridge in the garage, and running into walls.

It was even more apparent this past weekend as I was nagging my daughter about every weird thing she was doing trying to break her horrifying 5-year old bad hygiene habits.
In my defense, I’ve been extremely paranoid about her getting sick since most kids around us seem to have some sort of weird zombie-type virus: the 7-year old next-door sounds like a 50-year old chain smoking man when she usually sounds like a 40-year old chain smoking woman. A friend’s 16-month old got croup and now sounds like she’s a de-barked beagle. And nearly all of my daughter’s school friends look like they need to hook up some Sears wet-dry shop vacs to their noses because they’ve got a constant stream of snot running down their faces that ends dangerously close to their…(gasp) mouth.

Yes, MOUTH.

I sometimes think to myself, “Wow, kids are really gross. It’s a good thing I was never like that. Ever.”

I’m determined to keep my house free of infections this winter, so I made a list on things my daughter should not be doing and hung it on the refrigerator.
Because everybody knows if it’s hanging on the fridge, it must be really important.

RULES FOR 5-YEAR OLDS AND THEIR FRIENDS.

1. Don’t pick your nose.
2. Don’t pick your butt.
3. Don’t put your fingers in your mouth.
4. Don’t put whatever that is you picked up in your nose OR your mouth.
5. Don’t put your mouth on the handrail.
6. Don’t walk out of the bathroom without washing your hands.
7. Don’t wipe anything on Daddy’s stylish Wrinkle-Free® Dockers.

(Click to print)

Thanksgiving Sure Isn’t What It Used To Be...AND a Giveaway!

Things began in good spirits when the wife and I eagerly attended our daughter’s 1st ever kindergarten school play a few days ago. We’ve been hearing about the event for weeks in bits and pieces but never in its entirety.
The theme was supposed to be all around Thanksgiving, at least that's what I thought…

It was a very artsy new-age performance of “autumn” and my daughter played a brown leaf; and for about 15-minutes she did a whole lot of interruptive dance with her class while they all recited strange lines such as "are you ready?", “flow with me”, “let’s fly birds, FLY”, and “hear the leaves crunch.” The finale couldn’t have come soon enough when all of the kids began moving in slow motion, in unison, while a woman played an Enya-eque inspired tune on a mini Casio keyboard just off stage. The kids then burst loudly into song of “Shoo Fly, Don’t bother me” and then fell on the floor just before the lights went out.

I started having flashbacks of my Art School college years.

Suddenly all of the parents stood up and applauded, some in tears. Some women in the front began hugging each other. I got up slowly clapping looking at the wife wondering if she saw the same performance as me.

What a far cry from my own elementary school days where all we did was dress up as pilgrims and indians for the day, made turkey hand’s, and maybe created some candles from egg cartons… just like the real pilgrims did.

I started wondering if this private school she’s going to was a bit too crazy. Does this school purposely shy away from anything remotely traditional? What do they have against Turkeys and Pilgrims? What if they’re trying to make her a vegetarian?
No kid of mine will ever be a vegetarian!!!

But then she came home with this today:
A sweet Thankful Turkey craft with feathers of all of the things she’s thankful for. It says things like “Family”, “Brother”, “Mommy Daddy”, and there’s a green one at the back of the post-it speech bubble that says:

“KFC”

A Season of Giveaways!!
For some time now I’ve been getting a whole lot of requests to do giveaways. Usually I shy away from them but thought why not try it out, introduce some interesting things, and give some ideas for Christmas gifts. Be on the look out for these the next few weeks...

This week’s giveaway is THE ROBOT BOOK from Accord Publishing. A cute and clever board book that actually has moving gears, cogs, nuts, and bolts and is appropriate for maybe ages 2 and up. Comment below with your email address or directly to me at the address above (U.S. residents only for this one) before 6PM Pacific November 26th – I’ll randomly choose 2 winners. Good luck!

Who is This Kid That Calls Me Father?

Preparing for the First Day of Kindergarten

My daughter started her first day of kindergarten today. I was expecting crying, maybe some anxiety, and maybe even some nervousness. But alas, none of it. Instead my daughter woke up, dressed up in her laid-out-last-night school uniform, grabbed her prepared-the-previous-night lunch and said to me: “Let’s pretend I’m 18 and moving away to college, OK?!”

Let’s not. Apparently our recent college-bound babysitter has helped shaped her thinking just a little and now she can’t wait to move out of the house.

While driving up to the school a few kids were dealing with some major separation anxiety - holding onto their parents for dear life and such. Mine on the other hand asked if we could open the door and drop her off “right here.”

I don’t get it. Where's the tears? I'm expecting tears!!!

Yesterday the school had a kindergarten picnic allowing the kids to get to know each other with ice cream, a playground and…(wait for it…)... Kentucky Fried Chicken! Can I just say how much I love this school my daughter is going to? I didn’t even have to request it, it just happened on its own. It’s like a message from heaven or something saying, “Tony, you chose well. Now sit back and enjoy your popcorn chicken.” It almost makes me forget how much we're paying in tuition.

Well, not really.

Anyhow some pointers from me and maybe the school on making the day easier. We used some of them and I thought I’d share them for those who are interested:


How to Prepare Your Child for the First Day of Kindergarten

• Talk about kindergarten casually during the summer. Try borrowing a book from the library to help reinforce the big day, or better yet rent "Kindergarten Cop." Just fast-forward over the parts where that one weird kid uses the word "vagina" and "penis."
  
• If your child wasn’t in preschool, try leaving them with a friend or relative for a few hours while you go out for sushi to help with the possible separation anxiety. If the child is upset that you went out to eat without him/her, just say "you don't like sushi anyway."
  
• Attend the school’s social “meet and greet” or similar activity before the start of kindergarten. They’ll get a chance to meet new friends before school starts and hopefully the school will provide Kentucky Fried Chicken. If not, protest to the school board until they make it happen.
  
• Say goodbye quick and then leave. Don’t draw it out too long, get all emotional and cry. If your mascara runs down your face the other kids might think you're a vampire.
  

And most importantly...!

• Teach them how to wash their hands correctly after using the bathroom. Use this coloring page to help emphasize the importance.

Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease hurts!
Wash your hand after using the potty.

I'm just hoping she doesn't bring home any diseases. Because that would mean this coloring page didn't work.

The Kindergarten Myth

Now that summer is sadly over, about half the kids in my daughter's preschool have gone off to the great "Kindergarten."

I put it in quotes because from what my daughter has been telling me, it really has changed a lot from the days when I was a kid.

An actual conversation--

Daughter: Reece's last day was today...he's going to KINDERGARTEN in Antarctica!
Me: Really? Antarctica
Daughter: YES! And his mommy and daddy buyed him a new car when he turned 5 and got married to Melena. She's going to KINDERGARTEN too!
Me: Wow, Kindergarten, married, and a new car. At least they can get the married rate on their car insurance.

(blank stare)

Daughter: I don't know what that means.

Daughter (continued): When I go to KINDERGARTEN, can I go to THE MOON!?
Me: Sure, but only if you promise not to get married right out of preschool or move-in with a boyfriend, or ask for money, and call your mother at least once a week.

(blank stare)

Daughter: I don't know what that means.