Preschool Parent Teacher Conferences Are Full of Surprises

Apparently I have another child that I didn't know about.

My wife and I had our very first parent-teacher conference at my daughter's preschool. I must admit when her teacher first mentioned it, I did get a little nervous. The first thing that came to mind was "Uh-oh", followed by "parent-teacher conference for... preschool?"

I sat in a little chair, trying to balance uncomfortably on one cheek, not knowing what exactly to expect. Then it dawned on me: how does my daughter behave when we're not around? Is she repeating stuff? What exactly?
My mind kept wandering expecting to hear something from her teacher like, "your daughter keeps kicking the other kids out of the plastic playhouse saying it's foreclosed...", "She's been teaching everybody how to sing Tom Jones song 'What's New Pussycat'", "You know, Pirates of the Caribbean isn't a movie for preschoolers" (for the record, it was only the first 20 minutes), "Blackjack isn't a good way to teach counting", or worse "we think you eat too much KFC" (for the record - impossible.)

After her teacher looked at a paper for what seemed like 10, maybe 40 minutes, she began:

Miss Teacher: I didn't know you had another child?

Me/Wife: (simultaneously) What?

MT: Your daughter talks about him all the time...
(I look at my wife in as if saying,"is there something you're not telling me woman!")

MT: (continued) ...she says how cute and funny he is. And how he's not a big kid like she is and... how you throw him in the closet at dinnertime...

(why do they always look at the dad?)

Me: What? She knows we throw him in the basement.



My daughter's friends, classmates, and cousins all have younger siblings that have been born recently and she hears the stories, feels the pressure and wants one too. Her "baby brother" usually has the same name of her friends' or cousins' siblings. At school she's created some art of her, us, and a baby brother. I must admit we've seen one before and didn't think much of it, but seeing more of it really got to me.
Afterwards, we talked about school, family's, siblings, and bugs she saw at the playground. I had mentioned that she'll have a baby brother or sister one day, she'll just have to wait. And then I added, "Maybe when you get better at Blackjack."

Things to Look Forward to in 2009

There are things I’m going to miss about 2008: Joe the Plumber, 6-year old Chinese gymnast, bottled water not being cool anymore, etc.
And things that I won’t: financial crisis, potty training crisis, high gas prices crisis, Chuck E. Cheese’s crisis, Speed Racer movie crisis, Hadron Collider destroying the world - crisis.
I don’t know about you but I was a little nervous about that Collider, created by those mad European scientist sucking things into a black hole. Maybe next time around they could point it at Chuck E. Cheese so I don’t have to go to any more birthday parties there.

Nevertheless, here’s my list of things I’m looking forward to in ’09:

1. The demise of Bratz. After a huge court battle with Mattel Toys, MGA Entertainment (i.e. “The Pimps” of Bratz) is being forced to destroy the entire line, including the sushi strip bar. It still baffles me that some parents actually bought these thong wearing, drug addict looking, hookers for their daughters. And not just a few, but billions of dollars worth the past 8 years.
2. 10-year wedding anniversary. And to celebrate this April we’re going on a 15-day trip to Paris, France – where the wife and I met nearly 12 years ago. But this trip won’t be filled with white-tablecloth dinners, 12-hour visits to museums by day, and clubbing until 6am like the last time we were there because we’re taking our daughter. Paris with a 3-year old is definitely going to be different this time around. But after some research we’re finding out that there are lots of kid/family friendly things to do there. And I’m planning on blogging about the experience, possibly daily.
3. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Movie. This will probably be the only movie I see in a theater this year. Well maybe, Transformers 2, G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, and Up. And I’m sure my daughter will be all over Princess and the Frog, so maybe that one too.
4. My daughter’s 4th birthday. Come to think of it, maybe I’m not really looking forward to that one. She’s already growing up much too fast as it is. Her “Santa Wish List” this past Christmas consisted of make-up, lip-gloss, nail polish, hair/body glitter, a tattoo, a cell phone, and a chocolate bunny. Santa ended up bringing her a chocolate Santa and a Dollhouse.
5. A flying car. We're definitely overdue on this. And not only should it fly, it should be Mr. Fusion powered by banana peels, empty Jamba Juice cups, shredded up Bratz dolls, and leftover Chuck E. Cheese prize tickets.
6. KFC “Spicy” Popcorn Chicken. I’ve been petitioning KFC for years, but this year is going to be different because I’m starting one of those Internet campaigns. Use this letter as a template (modify if needed), mail and join the Revolution!

To: Colonel Sanders
C/o Customer Satisfaction
P.O. Box 725489
Atlanta, GA 31139
(Or online here. But unlike a letter, you can’t draw pictures on it.)


Dear Colonel (or current CEO of delicious chicken),

Everybody knows your greatest creation, Popcorn Chicken that comes in a little movie popcorn bucket, is the greatest invention known to modern man (after drive-thru's and the Internet.) But it can be better; you could offer Spicy Popcorn Chicken.

If you did this, I promise to eat it everyday. Even when the wife says “Hell no! We’re not going to EAT spicy popcorn chicken again for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and at the movie theater!” She’ll learn to love it - even if it takes 10 more years of marriage.

Sincerely,
Tony
“Creative-Type Dad” advocate of Spicy Popcorn Chicken
(Sign your own name here, but leave in “advocate of Spicy Popcorn Chicken” – very important.)

P.S. Please don’t let your employees take baths in the sinks anymore – thanks!



One day…the vision will be reality. I just know it.
What are you looking forward to in ’09?

A Real Christmas Vacation...

The family and I were at Disney World for a week. And if that wasn’t enough, we spent an additional 4 days and 3 nights on a Disney Cruise in the Bahamas. At this moment, I don’t want to see anything that remotely resembles a Mickey silhouette for about 6 years.

We traveled with two other families which wasn’t all that bad considering we had three 3-year olds, one 9-year old, and one 1-year. We quickly discovered the key to a successful vacation with kids is to make sure the adults outnumber them, especially in Orlando.

A Disney World vacation is not as relaxing as one might think. We woke up at 7am every morning (daughter woke us up at her regular time) ate a quick breakfast, and headed over to a theme park around 9 or so. Stayed until closing 10-11pm. Crawled into bed. Child wakes at 7am. Repeat for 6 days.

But then something truly amazing came into play. We arrived at the cruise ship and that's when the real vacation kicked in…

"Where dreams really come true..."

Whoever invented that Disney Cruise concept geared specifically for families with kid’s ages 3-12 should be promoted, and then named king of the world. That kids program is definitely worth the price alone. The kids did not want to leave. At one point we had to literally drag them out. I’m not sure what they’re giving them (Candy? Unlimited Apple Juice? Crack?) Whatever it was, I don’t want to know because the wife and I got to dress up and have fancy dinners together. Sleep. Go to bars. Sleep. Go dancing. Sleep.

That kids program is open from 7am to 1am. What does that mean? Well, they feed the kids, entertain them, and even put them to sleep. Genius!

"This apple isn't so bad.."

Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter and treasure the time we have together. But after a week of Disney World, and not a whole lot of time of alone time with the wife for virtually years, a program like that is just what a parent needs.

Even though I’m extremely tired, a bit nervous that Christmas is nearly tomorrow, and wondering where to buy those last remaining Christmas gifts, I’m feeling pretty good. Why? Because my daughter had a great time, and the wife and I spent more time alone together in 3 days than we have the past 3 and ½ years. And that quiet time on an “adults-only” beach on a private island in the Bahamas while my daughter was so entertained by a kids program that she didn’t want to leave was pretty nice too.
Finally - a real vacation.

Kids Get Their Parents Sick - No Matter What They Do To Protect Themselves!

I should have been more suspicious when my daughter ran up to me with open arms and a big smile, yelling “daddy”, and hugged me while I was eating my breakfast. As it was all a preconceived facade to wipe her runny nose all over my new black shirt and run away.

Minutes later she came back handing me her partially eaten waffle saying sweetly “here daddy, you can have this now” and then sneezed on me - and the waffle - and then ran away once again leaving behind a slimy rope trail.
That was a week ago, and I’m just now starting to recover from that vicious cold virus she gave me. She, on the other hand, had recovered the next day.

When I finally came into work sharing my brave battle story of what I now refer to as “The Great Cold of ‘08” a co-worker with a new 5-week old first child confidently told me “Wow - that’s gross. That’s never going to happen to me.”

Amateur.

Then I thought to myself, “That was me 3 1/2 years ago...”
It’s not really his fault; he’s just getting started. There were plenty of things I didn’t know before having a kid. A few examples:

1. Sometimes the child secretes strange unknown liquids from the most unlikely places that you temporarily think they’re really an alien. But a simple search on Google reassures you that they're normal.
   
2. Having an early walker IS NOT a good thing. Because then they want to walk all the time and eat things on the floor like bugs, cigarette butts, lint, rocks, Jolly Ranchers in need of a haircut, etc.
3. Never say the word “Poop” – EVER. Because if you do, it becomes a preschooler’s choice word for everything: “Poop Car”, “Poop Building”, “Poop Baby”, “Poop Shirt”, “Poop Bacon” (blasphemy!)…
4. The Poison Control Center (1-800-222-1222) is the best invention - EVER. Well, second best – KFC is the first best invention. Don’t argue with me because you’ll be wrong. And “no” that number isn’t for calling after eating their new non-trans fat fried chicken.
5. You get sick just by being in the same room as your kid. In fact, you could be outside looking through a 6-inch aquarium thick, space shuttle "approved” glass and still get sick. Just being related is adequate enough.

That guy has a lot to learn…

Questions? I’ve Got Answers

I get lots of searches in the form of questions primarily by parents looking for expert answers. Which is odd since the only thing I’m really an expert on is fried chicken.
Nonetheless these people are looking for answers, so like the model citizen that I am, I’m going to answer them.

All while eating fried chicken.

The Questions:

How to get toddler to sit and eat at the table? Duct tape usually does the trick. But if Child Protective Services is reading this, use constructive discipline methods such as hugs and candy.

How can i make my chicken taste like kentucky fried chicken? Wear a white suit, put the chicken in a bucket, and yell in a southern accent "this here chick'n is finger lick'n good!"

What can i teach to my 1year old baby? Not to eat things off the floor and give them crayons to scribble with. I did that with my daughter, she now scribbles on the floor and thankfully doesn’t eat anything off of it.

What do you when your 4yr old swears? Duct tape usually does the trick. But if Child Protective Services is reading this, use constructive discipline methods such as hugs and candy.

How to make santa claus fart? Buy him a gift card to Popeyes chicken.

What are mullet hair styles for boys? "The Richard Marx", "The McGyver", "The Billy Ray", "The Don Johnson."

How to remove booger on the wall? Use a water hose, lemon slices, or battery acid.

Does picking your nose cause more boogers to grow? Yes.

Can you get into chuck e cheese without a kid? Yes. Unless you have a mustache and/or chest hair.

What can an 18 month old draw? Scribbles and lines. But if you pass it off as your own and get a good agent, you could make millions in the lowbrow art movement.

My child picked his butt and has the poop on his finger now? Wrap yourself in a plastic tarp, wrestle the child onto the floor, but be careful of the offending finger. Tie him up and drop him off in Nebraska. But if Child Protective Services is reading this, use constructive discipline methods such as hugs and candy.

Is The Cure concert appropriate for kids? Only if they’re wearing makeup.

Is wicked the musical ok for children? If I had to guess an age, I would say around 9. Or maybe a mature 7 year old (or adult) that can sit still for a few hours and resist laughing at the ridiculous ending.

What type of animals can be trained? Dogs and Unicorns.

My 5 year old has an interview in private school what should i do? Rob a bank just in case he/she gets in.

Is it ok to spank your maid? In California, yes. Children, no.

Teenager's in the 1980's what did they do for fun? “We” woke up at the crack of dawn, milked the cows, and tilled the fields. Then played gin rummy after supper by candlelight while drinking Sarsaparilla and listening to Depeche Mode.

Why is it so loud at chuckie e cheeses? Because Satan himself created that horrible place to torture good people.

We had a bat in our house and now my child has a fever! He's going to turn into a vampire -- so do this quickly: Run into the garage and get a piece of sharp wood, chant in latin over tap water, and run into a nearby dark Forrest.
But if Child Protective Services is reading this, use positive healing methods such as hugs and candy.

What’s It’s Like Having The Scariest House In The Neighborhood

This Halloween I discovered the best way to scare kids.

It wasn’t the traditional decorations of skeletons, cobwebs, inflatable spiders, talking tombstones, vibrating ghosts, strobe lights, or smoke machines that suburban houses have been using for 1,000’s of years since the birth of The Great Pumpkin.

And it wasn’t the Lionel Richie pumpkin I carved which greeted them with the words “Hello” on it.

Nope, none of that!

It was the CD playing Lionel Richie’s “Penny Lover”, “Running With The Night”, and “All Night Long” on repeat.

A conversation with Optimus Prime and Mulan :
OP/Mulan: What kind of Halloween music is that?
CTD: “Running With the Night” is about running from synchronized dancing zombies in suits and hats.
OP/Mulan: That sounds scary!!
CTD: It is. I pray that you'll never have to experience it.

A conversation with Spiderman:
Spidey: Is that Halloween music?
CTD: Yes it is. “All Night Long” is about running from synchronized dancing zombies in black leather pants.
Spidey: Creepy!
CTD: Yes. Men in black leather pants usually are.

A conversation with 6-year old Hannah Montana in an oversized creepy blonde wig:
HM: Who sings that music?
CTD: Why, it’s the great Lionel Richie.
HM: Who?
CTD: ...Nicole Richie’s Dad...

(Confused look)

HM: She has a Dad?

FREE Unusual and Unique Halloween Pumpkin Stencils

In my house the best part of Halloween isn't the candy that I make my daughter collect for me from the neighbors - it’s the pumpkin carving.

And then it’s the candy, which is closely followed by black vodka martini’s the wife and I drink with the neighbors on Halloween night.

Every year I attempt to create some new ideas to outdo the Colonel Sanders pumpkin created a few years back.
The stencils below are my current efforts.

I haven't decided which to use this Halloween, but just like last year I’m posting the stencils for anybody to use this Halloween.
I just ask that these be used non-commercially and not to be reposted anywhere else.

(Click to download)

Jack Skellington
The original Pumpkin king


Angry Kid that resembles Gary Coleman
When teenagers come by with no costume tell them “whatchoutalkin’bout” and then slam the door

Lionel Richie
“Hello, is it candy you’re looking for?”

Check back soon - I’ll post more here as Halloween gets closer. AND I’m open to any ideas...

Links to Past Stencils: Colonel Sanders, Chewbacca, Mud Flap Truck Girl, Fairy, Ninja, Cinderella.

Black Martini Cocktail Recipe


And a treat for us deserving adults, the best Halloween cocktail ever invented: the Black Martini Cocktail.
Use Blavod black colored vodka.

• 3 1/2 oz gin or vodka

• 1/2 oz blackberry brandy or black raspberry liqueur

• lemon twist or black olive for garnish

Preschoolers and Politics on the Playground

Today as I picked up my daughter from preschool, I held the door open for a mom picking up her little girl who happened to be wearing a t-shirt of a presidential candidate.
As her daughter ran up and hugged her she had asked, “Did you tell your friends about who you’re voting for?”

Are you joking?

The girl is 3. If I had to guess, I’d say Cinderella, Spongebob, or maybe DeeDee Doodle

Since I’m relatively new and only 3 years into the parenting world I ask you fellow parents -- do parents normally use their preschoolers to campaign? Or maybe you yourself do it? Or maybe you’re just as bothered by it as me.

And for the record, I don’t care who any of you vote for. I’ll still like you the day after elections, even if it’s not my choice. Everybody has personal opinions; ideals, whatever, and I fully respect that.
But using a preschooler to shamelessly wear something for the parents’ viewpoint and using them as a campaign placard for something they just don’t understand troubles me.

My daughter’s new t-shirt just arrived yesterday...
And yes, she does understand the meaning of 11 herbs and spices.

How To Get A Princess To Behave

I was chatting with a fellow Dad at my daughter’s preschool about his son’s crazy obsession with Batman. The costume(s), the jumping off sofa and maybe occasional building; the permanent bat cave installation under the dining table, and the special Batman diet of only potato chips and hot dogs.
I told him he had it easy, my daughter is obsessed with Princesses. Which is just like Batman if he wore pink and sang to animals.

I’m not sure exactly when this all happened; maybe sometime around her 2nd birthday when somebody showed her the Cinderella movie for about 5 minutes. That’s when it became her crack.
At times it can be annoying:

“No, mice aren’t going to pick up that mess you’ve made”
“No, that magic wand isn’t going to make that kid playing with your toys disappear”

At times it can be used for my advantage:

“If you don’t behave (holding cell phone to ear) I’m calling Cinderella and she’s going to ask for her stuff back!”

So far, my 3 years of parenting has taught me the "Princess" method sometimes works much better than "time-out" method.
Recently we had the opportunity to see Julie Andrews and a certain Mom asked her if she had any advice for a little Princess.
She did and this is what she said (in her really cool accent):

Princess Rules
A Princess always uses “Please” and “Thank You”
A Princess always thinks of others before herself
A Princess never slouches

Although good, I don’t think there are nearly enough especially for a 3-year old. So I’ve added a few to the list:

Princess Rules (v.2 additions)
A Princesses ALWAYS go poop on the potty.
A Princess NEVER whines.
A Princess NEVER asks, “What are we going to eat?” after leaving a restaurant.
A Princess NEVER watches the Doodlebops, Dora, Yo Gabba Badda, or the new Beverly Hills “90210”

Old School, Preschool, and Colonel Sanders

My daughter started preschool this morning and it did not go as I had envisioned...

She being nervous while packing lunch, difficulty getting dressed, walking her to the classroom with her hand clenching mine, huge puppy eyes and tears as I’m about to leave, screaming “Daddy! Daddy! Don’t leave me… I love you!!” as I walked away quickly, but maybe stopping a few times waving and whispering “I love you too, now go back to your classroom and learn the proper use of safety scissors...” as I backed into and disappeared in a fog with Obi-Wan Kenobi and Dean Martin patting me on the back assuring me that I am a good dad.

That's what I expected. In reality it went something like this:

Packing lunch – “No…I want to do it all BY MYSELF!”
Dressing - “No…I want to do it all BY MYSELF!”
In the car pulling up to the school “Drop me off…O.K…I see you later O.K!”

Uh no! I’m walking to your classroom and I BETTER SEE TEARS WHEN I LEAVE!!!!

I can just imagine what kindergarten is going to be like; she’ll probably end up telling me to drop her off down the street.

Happy Birthday To The Man That Invented Chicken in a Bucket!

And to think I almost forgot... thankfully some cool folks reminded me.

It’s hard to imagine, but prior to the birth of Harland David Sanders in 1890 nobody even thought about putting fried chicken in a bucket.

It wasn’t until his 3rd birthday on a farm in Henryville, Indiana while packing lunch for his first day preschool that he told his father, General Sanders, “Father General, I would like the pleasure of preparing my own meal for today’s schooling. Sir.”
When his father of little words nodded in agreement, young Harland instantly put 14 pieces of fried chicken with 11 herbs and spices in a red, white, and black cardboard bucket.

And then with his chicken bucket and Princess backpack in hand, his dad took young Sanders to school.

And he didn't even acknowledge his father as he walked away from his classroom - not even a wave.

And his father was so upset that he didn't want to eat fried chicken anymore. But then he got over it and went through the drive-thru anyways.