Inducing Labor. Because 40 Weeks is a Long, Long Time.

My wife is now 39 weeks pregnant and we’re told she’s ready to deliver at any time.

I forgot how stressful this “final stretch” was last time around nearly 5 years ago with our daughter.
Not being able to leave my wife for long or sleep at night as every move, ache, or whatever move she makes has me jumping up like an earthquake just struck. The uneasy feeling I get when she uses the bathroom for more than 3 minutes (“Is she having the baby in the bathroom; I think that can happen?”)
The stories I hear from random women at the gym or work that say things like, “I have this friend who went into labor and delivered a baby all within 5 minutes!”
And to top it all off, my 4-year old asked me today “Daddy, how is my baby brother getting out of mommy’s belly?” To which I answered matter-of-factly “Why, the birth canal, silly kid!” (ruffled her hair) followed by an uncomfortable laugh and then changed the subject quickly by asking her if she wanted ice cream.

We’ve had lots of ice cream this weekend.

Of course our midwife has given us a list of things that help induce labor naturally like: eating spicy food, go for a long walk, use primrose oil, stimulate the “nickels”, and having sex. All sound like a pretty good date night, doesn’t it?

Except the part knowing that there’s your baby’s head right down there!!

Tomorrow we’re going to a restaurant out here in L.A. (Caioti Pizza Café) that’s famous for having a special salad that makes women into labor. We tried it first time around years ago and it didn’t work. But we did get to write a funny letter in one of their pregnancy journals – something of a tradition they have there. We’re going to look at what we wrote years ago, write something again, and then try out the “The Salad” one more time.

In the journal maybe I’ll write something like, “your big sister had lots of ice cream this weekend and if this salad doesn't work I’m REALLY sorry if I bumped your head.”

Last Minute Mother’s Day Ideas!

I asked my daughter what she wanted do for my wife this year for Mother’s Day and she immediately answered with:

“Go shopping to buy me an Ariel dress! And maybe mommy can get one too.”

We did something a little different this year; she’s been practicing her “Pegasus unicorn running into a rainbow” art for a few weeks, maybe months, now so I had one of the better ones put on a shirt from this place (poloppo.com)

It's pretty awesome. (What’s even more awesome is a discount code “dads25”.)
When we got it in the mail my daughter instantly requested one for herself and her friends at school as they've starting a Pegasus Unicorn Team now - it's an alternative to the Dragon Team the boys at school have started.

We’ve also been contemplating what else my daughter wants to make for Mother's Day. Maybe some cool and funny Mother’s Day themed snack from a recipe off this site (link), or one of these interesting cards (link.) I’m sure we’ll come up with something once I suspiciously tell my wife to go get a pedicure or go on a trip to the nearby KFC on Saturday so we can make anything.

We'll see...

But for those looking for a last-minute idea on what to get your wife or mom on Sunday AND really impress her, there’s always my famous flower bunch toting Lionel Richie printable with complementary Lionel Richie paper craft sculpture:

"You're once, Twice, Three Times A Lady. Happy Mother's Day!"

Lionel Richie Paper craft toy

Because really, nothing says Happy Mother’s Day quite like “You’re Once, Twice, Three Times a Lady” from Lionel.

Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

My wife is now 36 weeks and 2 days pregnant as of today which means we’re in full preparedness mode. I know this detailed information because of an awesome iPhone app for Men with pregnant wives.
The car seat is ready, the birthing kit is always with us, the midwife is on our cell phones speed dial, and I can boil water within 2 minutes.

I’m actually not sure what the point of hot water is anyway, but whatever, I’m prepared if the need should ever arise.

This part of the pregnancy that I remember the least with our daughter the first time around, as I was too busy worrying about my wife and the birthing part going well. This time I know what to expect and I'm fully prepared (I hope!) This whole pregnancy thing just amazes me to no end.

What amazes me even more is the weird and almost rude things people say to pregnant women in general. Not sure if they’re trying to be nice or sympathetic, but here’s a list of things heard that nobody should say:

Never tell a pregnant woman…

• Are you pregnant?
• You must have had a big lunch!
• Whoa! You look like you’re going to bust at any minute.
• Are you sure you’re not carrying twins/triplets?
• Can I rub your belly for luck?
• (Rub belly without asking)
  
• Does your back hurt? Yeah, I woke up this morning and mine hurts too.
• You waddle like a duck.
  
• You’re all puffy just like the stay-puff marshmallow man.
• I have dogs/cats so I know exactly what it’s like to be a new parent.
• Did you hear about the woman that had a 30-pound baby last week?
• You look normal from the back.

If you say any one of these then you deserve to get knocked over the head with a rolling pin.

What weird things have you heard?

Explaining Taxes to Kids

Today, “tax day”, has to be my absolute least favorite day of the year.

I’ve loathed taxes since the late 80’s when I was around 16 years old. That’s the time when I got my first minimum wage paycheck after working nearly two weeks straight one summer.
I still remember that mysterious sealed blank white envelope. I ran home, smelled it, tore the thing open in excitement, held the magical piece of paper in the air in the direction of the sun to see the beautiful watermark (“Official Document”) only to be completely traumatized at how much the government and something called “FICA” took out. The check was less than $17.

That was the first day I truly swore. Not for minutes, but for days. Nothing cheered me up, not even my newly acquired Depeche Mode 101 CD.

Then being the good kid that I was, I listened to my great-grandmother (she lived through the great depression) and opened a savings account getting a paltry .002% interest rate. Honestly I think I had a better chance earning more by planting pennies in the ground and praying for rain on a leap year.
Given the unfortunate circumstances, I still somehow happened to earn something like $5 that year. And then months later I got something called a 1099 telling me that I was subject to taxes on the $5 bucks that I earned. That’s the year I started lending money to kids on the playground and charging a 30% interest with a pre-payment penalty "off-the-books." I didn’t ask for that life, taxes made me do it.

Yes, my contempt for taxes started early.

Please don’t try to tell me why taxes are good because you’ll be wrong. I’ve heard just about every reason why taxes are a respectable thing, “how are we going to pay for the sun?” “Taxes! That’s how!”
Honestly, at this point. I really don’t care. Ask me that when I’m all pale and begging, “I need sun! I need sun!” Maybe I’ll care then, but right now if I were on Facebook for real, I would be no fan of the IRS.

If I ever do get the opportunity to start my own country (the one with a planned KFC franchise on it) the first thing I would order, besides a double-down, is not to tax everything in the world. I would be a fair dictator and just tax the things I’m not fond of, like, Kevin Costner movies and Justin Bieber.

Tonight, while writing a check to pay even more taxes my daughter asked me, “Daddy? Why are you crying?” I replied, “Because if I don’t pay even more taxes, these really bad people called ‘the IRS’ will send me to Guantanamo Bay.”

If Age Doesn’t Kill Me, This Will...

There’s just nothing that beats going into work and getting a surprise KFC lunch buffet birthday party by my co-workers.

And knowing the Kentucky Fried traditionalist that I am, none of this “grilled chicken” business was even on the table. Yes, these people know me well. Nothing but the Colonel's own invention's of extra-crispy, original, popcorn chicken (in little theater popcorn buckets), and a birthday candle planted in mash potatoes on top of a bucket of chicken - just the way they still celebrate birthdays in Kentucky and maybe central Ohio.
What more you say can a guy ask for?

How about the best birthday gift ever created:

KFC Double Down

2 original recipe fillets, swiss and pepper jack cheese, Colonel’s sauce , and (mouth-watering about now)…. Bacon!

I wouldn’t wait in line for an iPad, but I’m sure going to be waiting outside KFC Monday for this piece of heaven.
And then the rest of the year I'll be on a diet of just grapefruit, lettuce, and rocks just so I can eat another Double-Down next year.

Getting Rid of a Family Member...

We didn’t actually get rid of a real human family member.

Although now that I think about it, there are a few in my family that I wouldn’t mind getting rid of... but that’s a topic I’ll save for some other day.

This weekend I got rid of my wife’s, and daughter’s beloved cute little red and white top MINI Cooper. After a storm of expensive repairs the past 6 months, including replacing the entire engine 4 months ago (at my wife’s request to “save” the car) the transmission was on the verge of falling out and possibly exploding into a million pieces.
When they told me how much it would cost to repair I turned and told the wife in a harsh but loving voice, “(woman) we’re getting rid of that car tonight, even if it’s the last thing I do!”

Then I growled. I think.

If you had seen the reactions of my wife and daughter, you’d think I told them I was shooting the family dog on the lawn during a birthday party and then drinking its blood for sheer sport.

Trust me, I was tempted after all of the money we've poured into it.

On our first dealer visit my daughter had tears in her eyes. And then she discovered the little buttons and “secret” compartments in the new cars. Then she was over the little red car, ready to move on and start stashing toys, candy, and crayons into those magical compartments.

The wife wasn’t so easy. The MINI was her car. She dreamed about it. She ordered it online just before we got pregnant, was given a production number through the dealer, and tracked its 6-month build progress in Oxford, England, and then tracked its boat ride all the way to California. Yes, it was a strange family car for nearly 5 years (I still remember the looks that we got taking an infant car seat out of it) but it all worked out just fine. And now I was the bad guy because the pieces that make it go are made out of Lego’s and bubblegum.

When the car dealer appraiser was looking at the MINI making small chitchat he asked my daughter pleasantly, “are you sad about your cute little car going away?”
Then she replied “yeah, but it’s always breaking so my daddy wants to get rid of it.”

On the second visit I made my wife and daughter stay in the car.

Help! My Wife is Pregnant and Nesting, Again

I can’t help but to feel a little bad for my wife, or any woman pregnant, “with child.”

At 30 weeks she’s saying the strangest things, “how did this happen?” Can’t walk into a store without the belly bumping into things “did they shrink these aisles??” “Where did that jar/display/kid/truck come from?” And I feel bad having her walk anywhere since she has to lean backwards to move and sort of waddle. I want to attach a little wheel to the belly to help her get around.

I mentioned that once joking and she didn’t talk to me for 2 days. It’s been so long since our first daughter was born that I forgot pregnant women don’t like to joke around.
Unless, of course, you’re accidently shot in the head for saying such things - then it’s funnier than Sandra Bullock with a southern accent.

The best thing for any loving husband, like myself, to do is just smile and say things like “yes” to just about everything and don’t question the weird “nesting” home improvement requests like tree removals, garage storage racks, painting the entire house, planting an orange tree, change the brakes on the car, and other irrelevant things.

Yup, I’m just taking it all in trying to enjoy the baby kicks, a glowing stunning wife, the ultrasounds, an eager 4-year-old that can’t wait to be a big sister, and the anticipation of going through whole birthing experience one more time. There really is nothing in the world that even comes close to the birth of your child.

Besides, I can always joke about the weird things she (we) did later.

Weird questions? I’ve Got Answers

Some of the searches that end up here are getting stranger by the day.
Most of them are in the form of questions looking for help or expert advice. I find it odd that they end up here since the closest thing I have to a Ph.D is a DVD or BVD’s.

However, these people are looking for answers so I’m going to respond to them. Why? Because that’s just how I roll.

The Questions:
what is lionel richie doing this year for thanksgiving? – Let me ask. Spending it at Dollywood.
ideas for writing birthday invitations for a party at chuck e cheese – Start with “I’m so sorry but, this wasn’t my idea…”
why does my dad stay up late – To play Words with Friends on the iPhone. But not with Sci Fi Dad (because he cheats....!!)
why do we have butt cracks – Because they’re funny
do midgets have small poop – Let me check. Yes.
where can i get a monkey to perform at my daughters birthday party? -- In Thailand or Lancaster.
i drank my wife's breast milk yesterday – Hopefully because you ran out of regular milk and not because you like it and are just really weird.
my son doesn't have a date for prom? Put an ad on Craigslist
creative way to tell husband that you are expecting -- Don’t start it by saying “remember that business trip …”
when does a baby mullet grow? – At 5 months, start playing Michael Bolton songs. At 6 months start showing Macgyver reruns or visit Georgia.
wierdest thing about lionel ritchie -- If his mustache is ever removed, he loses all magical powers.
what is it called if you have an obsession with poop – Poopalicious.
my five year old who refuses to go to the potty! -- Take him/her back to the store for a refund.
i called poison control 4 times in one week what's going to happen to me – Protective services should be arriving at your door any minute.
why do little kids pick their noses – The same reason why old people do, because they're bored and have nothing to play with.

No, You STILL Can’t Have a Cat!

My daughter has been begging for a cat again. Apparently my excuses from last year (“Big Bird use to have a little brother, but cats ate him”, “Cats eat Fairies”…) have started to diminish in there effectiveness because she’s now prepared to risk the lives of both Big Bird and Fairies so she can have a cat.

That’s not good news for me, or Big Bird.

Somehow she just doesn’t understand that all cats secretly want to hurt and eventually kill people. Maybe it’s my fault for not speaking enough about the dangers and well-known fact that they’re all killing machines (click to view larger):

(Illustration credit to this guy)

So being a man of compromise, and a Dad who not only wants save his daughter from a carnivorous cat so she can live long enough to see her 5th birthday, I did what any other Dad would do.

I bought her an Ant Farm instead (The kind that glows with cool space-age gel! So cool…)


My wife wasn’t impressed because not only can’t you pet Ants, because they have no fur and aren't "cute", but these Ants sting when touched.

To which I replied “...it’s better to get stung than killed by a cat!”

FREE Last Minute Classroom Valentines That Provide a Service

While helping my daughter put together her classroom Valentines for school, I realized how unimportant and irrelevant the cards were: “Happy Valentines day”, “Bee My Valentine”, “It’s Valentines day!” They really don’t mean much and aren’t at all practical.

Why not give classroom Valentines that gives kids real useful advice; life skills that they can use today or when they get older.

I sure would have appreciated some good advice while in preschool.

So with that in mind, here are some useful Valentines Day cards I put together as a public service to all (click to print):

"The goal is to pay your credit card off each month - Happy Valentines Day!"
"Never attend anything that involves a timeshare or "business opportunity." - Happy Valentines Day!"
"Team Jacob or Team Edward? In 5 years it won't matter. - Happy Valentines Day!"
"If Dad does like him, he must be wrong for you.- Happy Valentines Day!"

"Don’t visit Tijuana.- Happy Valentines Day!"
"Love is a battlefield.- Happy Valentines Day!"
"Always wash your hands after using the bathroom or visiting any government building.- Happy Valentines Day!"
"You should never drop it like it's hot.- Happy Valentines Day!"