The Easter Bunny Must Be Living Large In Beverly Hills

I’m sure of it. And he's probably living in a huge mansion somewhere in between Hugh Heffner’s and Lionel Richie’s. And he must have a Bentley for each day of the year too.

How does the Easter bunny afford such luxuries of fancy cars, gold chained eggs, well-endowed neighbors, and extraordinary love music at his beckon call? Well, Saturday afternoon the wife and I took our daughter to get her picture taken with him and the packages started at $35!
And his setup at the mall was packed with an eager crowd practically holding up $100 dollar bills in the air. That bunny was probably pushing about 600 kids an hour through there.... it was like some kind of bunny picture taking assembly line:

Bunny Helper #1: (placed daughter quickly on very large bunny) Don’t move on the bunny. Don't touch the bunny. Don't look at the bunny...
Bunny Helper #2: Smile little girl (tooting clown horn *snap*)
Bunny Helper #3: (on cell phone while removing daughter) Like, Omi-gawd! Blah, blah, blah...
Bunny Helper #4: Stand on the OTHER side of the fence AWAY from the bunny, please...

I don’t think that bunny ever moved. And he was making millions by the second just by sitting there doing nothing.

After I paid for the lowest priced package, I couldn't help but to wonder about the Easter Bunny's lifestyle the rest of the year...

Yaught in "the keys"

with a “Star Trek Bridge” themed screening room.

Home gambling den (with Scarface poster)

“The Rolls” with a PS3 system in the trunk

Hot Tub, Women, and Don Perignon

With Lionel Richie at his housewarming party

Toddler Swearing – When 'Time Outs' Don’t Work, Send Them To Jail

It’s not as if my 2-year old daughter has been watching Eddie Murphy Raw on late night TV, hanging out at the local Jr. High, or listening to rap music and throwing around F-bombs like Dora and her pet monkey Bubbles.

Nope, she’s been watching DVD’s like Pixar’s “A Bug’s Life”, Disney’s “A Goofy Movie” or a number of the so-called kid friendly movies which happen to use words like “idiot”, “stupid”, “shut-up” and “bad-Ass” in them (actually not the last one, but give Dreamworks some time and I’m sure they make a Quentin Tarantino & George Carlin animated “buddy” movie…)
Who would have thought these movies can cause a toddler to begin spouting off a kid’s version of swearing and use them correctly in context? Not me.

These days when she’s mad, angry, upset, tired, or when gravity doesn’t conform to her will she’ll yell out things like “Stupid (insert person’s or inanimate objects name)!!” or “Shut up, (insert person’s or inanimate objects name)!!”
What a far cry from her original version of swearing just a few months ago -- which was clapping her hands and yelling “HERE! KITTY! KITTY!” followed by a raspberry noise.
Maybe my uncontainable laughter at the act caused her to look for something with more authority?

Nonetheless, this needs to stop. So now I’m upping the ante with some good old fashion discipline to control this and a host of other “terrible two’s” behavior.

The traditional toddler discipline methods:
Time-Out – Which work most of the time, but doesn't quite work outside of the house.
Take-Away – Toys, princesses, crayons, Tupperware, etc.
Spanking – I still can’t do this. I’m not opposed to it and want the option just in case things get really bad, like if she pulled a knife at the ice cream truck.

Now I’m resorting to--
The non-traditional methods:
Jail – This works while in the car. I’ve told her jail is a place where people cry all day, no magic exists, and they play Mike Meyer’s “The Cat in the Hat” all day long (that movie makes her upset and cry.)
Monsters – Usually at night before bedtime I tell her that if she doesn’t behave, monsters will come and eat her legs while she sleeps. And Princesses need legs to be ballerinas.
Evil Bunnies – For some odd reason jackrabbits have started popping up around my neighborhood. I’ve told her that these bunnies can be nice or can chase bad children who don’t listen to their daddy’s.
Upset Princess Call –I pretend I’m talking with Cinderella on the phone and she asks for her Princess clothes and toys back because my daughter has been bad.

She’s been pretty upset with Cinderella these past few days. I just hope she never runs into her at an ice cream truck…

I'm Preparing For My Daughter’s Kindergarten Interview. Because Kindergarten Is Serious Business

I know my daughter’s only 2 and kindergarten seems far away, but that doesn’t matter, because today I spoke with a worried, stressed out father about his 4-year old daughter's recent kindergarten interview.
And let me just say - it did not go well. They told her (not him) that she needed to work MUCH harder if she wanted to get in this Fall.

A 4-year-old.

Into kindergarten.

To be a somewhat fair, this is a ‘prestigious’ private school here in L.A. But who cares - it’s kindergarten for crying out loud! It’s not like she can’t spell her name, count, say her ABC’s, etc., she can. But evidently that doesn’t cut it anymore. Apparently the marketplace is flooded with 4-year olds that can debate strategic economics over Cheerios and discuss the recent downturn in the housing market after waking up from an afternoon nap.
It’s as if the world change and I was asleep at the wheel. How naive I was to think that kindergarten was a time of having fun doing things like painting, playing, making weird crafts out of egg cartons, milk bottles, and daddy’s empty beer cans? (puff of cigarette) It was when I was a kid.
Statistically I should be in jail, or worse, involved in multi-level marketing.

I don’t want my daughter to fall into this trap. I want her to succeed in kindergarten because if she doesn’t, God only knows the horrible things that might happen.
Hopefully with some prepping and training, it’ll go something like this:

Head Mistress: What was your GMAT score?
4-Year-Old: 680. I could have done better, but I poop regularly 20 minutes after eating a meal.

Head Mistress: What do you plan to do after kindergarten?
4-Year-Old: Take a year off before 1st grade to join the Peace Corps.

Head Mistress: What extracurricular activities do you participate in that will be beneficial to your learning?
4-Year-Old: I’m currently at Gymboree. I help mentor the 3-year olds.

Head Mistress: Whom do you most admire for their life endeavors and accomplishments?
4-Year-Old: Snow White. She has a pretty dress. And I hear she helped unionized poor midgets and improved their working conditions.

Doodlebops Live! And Some VERY Interesting Facts About Me

We took my daughter to see the Doodlebops LIVE concert over the weekend. I swear, I thought she was going to rip her Pull-up off and throw it onto the stage.

Her little best friend, and her parents, joined us and between the two of them they screamed like fanatical Elvis fans for about 45 minutes straight. I have to say, it was pretty funny watching them trying to dance and sing along. My daughter kept telling the wife and I “Look! It’s the Doodlebops!…..over there!” followed by “Dance Daddy… Dance!!”

Those creepy Doodlebop kids really know how to put on a show. Moe was breakdancing for about 30 minutes straight and because of it started losing his voice. Deedee pretty much did 99% of the singing, and I’m not sure what Rooney’s talent is yet other than being freakin’ tall. Seriously, the guy is a giant and looked pretty scary when he came close to us. Most of the kids (me included) got quiet and backed up a little like he was about to eat everybody.

Overall it was amusing. My parents never took me to anything growing up and now being a parent I find taking my daughter to these types of things very entertaining. We’re seeing the Wiggles in the few weeks; I can’t wait to see her reaction to them. We'll be sure to keep that Pull-Up tightly secured.

VERY Interesting Facts You Might Not Know About Me

Rick tagged me for this meme:

1. I can play the accordion. But I can only play Depeche Mode songs on it. It’s a long story on how this happened, but the short version is I wanted to take piano lessons but my Dad got a “really good deal” on accordion lessons because some guy owed him a favor. Anyhow, I was really into 'DM', their songs were pretty easy to play and that's how it happened. If you want to experience Depeche Mode, you’ve got to hear it on an accordion.

2. In college, I worked as a page on some random TV sitcoms. The majority of the “stars” and guest actors were just plain rude, had major attitudes, and were overall complete idiots. A few come to mind...I won't name drop even though I'm really tempted. On the flipside, a few were really pleasant and truly friendly - Gene Wilder, John Larroquette, Amy Jo Johnson…the 'Pink Ranger' on the original Power Rangers. And she played the guitar and sang too. I guess she learned that in Ninja school.

3. I met my wife in Paris; she was living and working out there. Our first date was a 4-hour dinner in Paris's Latin Quarter. Our second date was 9 days and ended in Venice, Italy.

4. My favorite shows of all time are The Simpson’s, Golden Girls, Knight Rider, and Small Wonder. I have a special connection with Golden Girls because it reminds me of my late grandmother; I use to watch the show with her. And I think Dorothy's humor is funny. I’m still not sure why I like Small Wonder…

5. I had lunch with Debbie Gibson years and years ago (I mentioned this awhile back and got lots of emails about it.) It really wasn’t that big of a deal. We met through some mutual PR/Marketing people and had lunch with a few other people. Later that day she had her manager messenger me 30 tickets to her show at the House of Blues in Hollywood the next night with a signed card that said "Tony, Stay Cool Forever! Love Debbie." It was on my refrigerator for years; the wife even found it funny.
All I can say is that she was very friendly, had a great sense of humor, and could really sing. I wasn't a fan of her music back when she was popular (remember? I was too busy playing Depeche Mode on the accordion...) but now, I find her music catchy. I played “Shake Your Love!” to my daughter recently which was pretty entertaining. Maybe next time I should tell I tell her “Debbie once sang this to Daddy”

Then she’ll probably tell me to turn the Doodlebops back on and to stop shaking my love...

Potty Training Success! And Speaking of Poop, “The Oscars”

Guess what? I have a nearly potty-trained 2 and a half-year-old. That’s right, and it only took a little over a year - well, if you count my first attempt at 18-months.
Yes, I know there are some that can potty train a 3-month old; it’s not like I haven’t gotten the emails, comments, etc. with statements like “it’s easy! I did it and BILLIONS have too, just buy my book...” I’m sure they have and God bless them for it. But as I soon found out, kids come in all kinds of varieties and you just have to adjust the training based on their personality.

For instance, some toddlers don’t want Elmo to cry every time they go poop in their pants; in my daughter’s case, she wanted to see Elmo cry. Which makes me wonder a little….

Anyhow, what worked was just having her run around the house pantless and to have plenty of cleaning supplies around. We offered stickers as a reward for pee, and hung a fancy Princess dress over the toilet for poop. Once she poops, she gets to run around the house for a while in the dress, yelling such things as “I’m Sleeping Booty! I’m Sleeping Booty!”

And then I give her money for her piggy bank. The wife taught her what money is and to ask me for it. Which reminds me, I still have to thank her for that…

We did get some “scares” - one day she didn’t do anything for nearly 7 hours; that was a little creepy. She kept asking for a diaper and I stuck to my guns and kept refusing. I thought she was going to explode given all the gas she was passing. I kept trying to avoid her backside just in case anything came shooting out like a bullet… maybe leaving a hole in the wall with a view of the backyard.

She eventually pooped. When I picked her up, I swear she had lost about 9 pounds.

The Oscars – The Only Time I Yell At The TV Like A Drunk Ex-Football Coach
Did anybody watch the Oscars?

I still can't believe “No Country for Old Men” won Best Picture. Talk about a HUGE disappointment. A good premise, build-up, and good performances (Javier Bardem – great!) and then completely ruined by a stupid ending that made absolutely no sense. I had to skip back on our screener and watch it again because the wife and I thought we missed something.

My advice if you see the movie, walk out or turn it off 10 minutes before it ends (when Josh Brolin drives into the motel.) If not, be prepared to get an explanation by somebody who “read the book.”
Apparently, the requirement is to have read the book to enjoy their movies now.

I recommend the other MUCH better films such as The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Juno, or Away from Her.

Now it's time to put Sleeping Booty to bed and open some windows...

A Message to Toddlers: Nose Picking Is Very Unpatriotic!

Can somebody please tell me why toddlers are so obsessed with picking their nose? Because I’ve been trying to figure it out since my daughter mysteriously figured out she can shove her fingers up there at the most undesirable times, like when I’m eating pea soup or guacamole.

And trust me, this is not good dining entertainment.

So far, I’ve come up with a few theories that might have caused this behavior:

1. She’s watched seniors do it. Which only proves my theory that seniors are bad influences on children!
2. Elmo probably sang about it. That’s what I get for trusting a puppet that speaks about himself in the third person.
3. Rap music. I’m pretty sure they glorify nosepickin’ along with pimpin’.

Now I’m not on a mission to stop this behavior.

The wife has her own methods to stop the digging – which is just to gently move her hand and telling her to stop. I’ve taken it a step further, reinforcing my parenting technique of giving an explanation of consequences along with the discipline.

What to tell a nose picking toddler:

1. If you keep picking your nose, you’ll eventually pick your brain out.
2. Stop picking your nose or nobody will be your friend, even Elmo.
3. Every time you pick your nose, a Fairy dies.
4. Snow White isn’t coming over to play; she doesn’t want your boogers all over her pretty dress.
5. Picking your nose produces harmful emissions that contribute to global warming and rising sea levels that will make millions of polar bears instantly homeless and eventually die. I don’t think you want start kindergarten with that kind of baggage.

And to help the cause, here’s a nose picking coloring page. Because everybody knows kids learn better when they color pictures of animals.

Please Stop Picking Your Nose. I Don’t Want To Die.

And Don’t Forget To Empty The Gas from Mommy’s Minivan.

Mommy & Daddy Date Night Can Be Wicked

For some odd reason I’ve had that Spiderman theme song stuck in my head since Saturday. It’s REALLY starting to bother me.

(Spiderman, Spiderman…does whatever a spider can…)

I’m curious, so how many of you parents do “date nights”? You know, a real one where you get a sitter and run out the door for a few hours and go somewhere childfree that doesn't rhyme with Chuck E. Cheese.

In the 2 and half years since our daughter was born, the wife and I haven’t done a real "date night." I’m pretty sure Dr. Phil would call this behavior extremely unhealthy and then camp out in front of my house yelling through a bullhorn. But who cares, the guy is a quack. But now the wife and I are beginning to think this is a good idea to try at least once a month.
On Friday we went to see Wicked The Musical, which by the way was O.K. Not great like all the hype would have you believe, but overall entertaining. Without spoiling it, I thought the ending was borderline cheesy. Although, I must say the ‘Wicked Witch’ main girl did have an amazing voice; to be honest I wish she had sung more. I think that would have made it even better.

(...Spins a web, any size..hey there! There goes the Spiderman....)

Anyhow, when we got back home my daughter had the sitter write the wife and I a letter. This is what it said:

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

I hope you had fun tonight without me. Alexis and I had fun. I love you both very much, even though you left me.
I made art for you and left it on the refrigerator [sitter: in case you’re wondering, the tears made the markers smear.]

Your daughter,
Sunshine Sparkles
(My new name)
XOXOXO

P.S. Captain Hippo was playing in your closet.

(...Catches thieves, just like flies...Look out! Here comes the Spiderman.)
I hope he catches that criminal, Captain Hippo, soon…

Super Tuesday, Super Bowl, Super Absorbent

Even though I vote, I don’t like politics. I see it as a necessary evil, kind of like Tom Cruise – he’s annoying but most of his movies are entertaining.
The speeches, listening to NPR, watching the ‘live’ news coverage last night just keeps reiterating that it’s all just a big obnoxious show.

One of these days I want to start my own country. Maybe an island somewhere in the South Pacific where I can just name myself King (wearing Ray-Bans, big gold chains, velour tracksuit, white sneakers) and I could cut a deal with KFC to provide my people with Spicy Chicken and free health care. And the big export would be $8 bottled water with some cool name like “Sexy POW-AH Energy Water” that prevents hair loss, promotes weight loss, cures erectile dysfunction, and is loaded with anti-oxidants from Acai that prevents aging and car accidents.
I would have best county on Earth.

Super Bowl party - Don’t Forget Your Huggies
We went to a Super Bowl party on Sunday –

Disclosure:
Before you all start thinking I’m smashing beer cans on my head now and watching Football rest assured, I am not. Football still makes no sense to me.

This was a party with entertainment industry-types and the purpose was to smooze, drink food and wine that we all couldn’t pronounce, and watch commercials.
And yes, in case you’re wondering I did bring a bucket of KFC.

I was chatting with some fellow parents about this horrible experience called Potty Training. Giving them a rundown of my failed attempts, pleading and asking for advice, secrets, and voodoo, whatever it takes to make a child use the toilet.
The advice rolled in:

Mom #1: We didn’t start until my son was 4. It was just too much trouble.
Mom #2: Don’t sweat it. She’ll let you know when she’s ready. My daughter started kindergarten and is still wearing a Pull-Up.
Dad/Mom: Our son is 7 years old and he still wears a Pull-Up. No big deal. Some others kids in his class still wear them – it’s normal.

(Twilight theme music song starts)

Started at 4? Kindergarten? 7 year olds 'still' wearing Pull-Ups?!?! Are you kidding me!? Parents? Please tell me this isn’t true. And if it is – lie to me. Lie like you’ve never lied before.

I had a dream where my daughter was about to take her wedding pictures; she quickly stopped in her tracks and then asked my wife to change her Pull-Up. I woke up screaming in a cold sweat...

Now I Know What Willis Was "talkin' bout"...

Weird Searches
I find it odd what people search for on the internet. I find it even more odd that some of these searches end up here. Here are some recent ones with added commentary:

does michael bolton own starbucks? -- Yes!
what's wrong with my toddler? -- He/she's probably broken. If you still have the receipt - take him/her back...you still might get store credit.
tony danza's meatballs -– There are some truly disgusting people out there.
is chef boyardee meat real? – Depends on your definition of "real"?
i drank my wife's breast milk yesterday – Why is it these searches always come from Malaysia? Ohio I can expect, but Malaysia?
creative way to tell husband that you are expecting –- Tell him you were impregnated by aliens
my name is poop – Ok...
do truck drivers wear diapers – Yes!
is chuck e cheese ok for 2 year olds? Yes! It’s just not O.K. for adults.
wierdest thig about lionel ritchie -- the mustache. And he dances on the ceiling.
peeing through an ice cream cone -- I've never tried...

KFC Valentine – Because chicken isn’t the only thing that’s spicy
I was once told that on Valentines day, the Japanese forgo expensive restaurants, flowers, chocolate, jewelry, talking, etc. and just stop by the local KFC on the way home before turning on the Barry White Greatest Hits CD and filling the bathtub with Jell-O.
When I first heard that story, I couldn’t help to think, “now that’s a tradition worth starting in this country.” And because Jell-O’s involved, I’m sure our friends up in Canada wouldn’t mind joining in the festivities too.

Here's something to help kick-off this centuries old Japanese tradition:

"Baby, you do chicken right. Happy Valentine's Day"

My Daughter’s Imaginary Friend: An Unauthorized Biography

Somebody came home with my daughter the other day after a play date…

Meet Captain Hippo

And now she's been talking about him all week. So much that I've decided to write his biography. Unauthorized of course, because from what I'm told he doesn't want to talk to me.

Captain Hippo: An Unauthorized Biography

Captain Hippo was born to wolves and ninja’s in the jungles of Pottery Barn Kids and then later reared by Nuns with special superhuman powers, such as cooking and pooping on the potty.
He was later discovered by Mickey Mouse and Anthony from the Wiggles and invited to take dance lessons, on my birthday, at Disneyland. That’s where he met Snow White. The comedy group became really good friends and toured the world together on the Doodlebop’s bus to dance with ballerinas. These ballerina’s enjoy smoothies, green beans, and chicken from old McDonald’s, and DO NOT go poo-pee and pee-pee on the potty, ever.

Captain Hippos’ distinct features:
-He’s a girl
-And a Ballerina
-Wears a Pink cape
-Cowboy boots - sparkly pink
-Is a Scientologist and helps people in accidents
-Only wears a hat when it’s not raining
-Is big, but can be tiny to fit in your pocket
-Eat’s grass and on occasion, toes
-Puts his poo-pee in his shoes

He now lives in a small closet in my house. And the shoes in there will be immediately removed.