Tough Love vs. Spanking

Most people think it is improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kid when he has one of those moments.

One that I found effective is for me to just take him for a car ride and talk.

Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kid usually calms down and stops misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

Sincerely,
A Friend



Source: I have no idea who wrote this as it was forwarded to me.

Ronald McDonald Is Evil and Has Bad Taste In Music Too

I told my daughter McDonald's burned down – all over the place - and that we can never go there again.
Why? Because of the Kidz Bop CD’s they were giving out with the Happy Meals.

For the last 9 months after her Ballet class I’ve always taken her to the nearby McDonald's for dinner. Its become our little once a week tradition that we both look forward to.
Sitting there almost feels like we’re in an 80’s commercial: a 3-year-old dressed in her Ballet clothes with Dad across the table usually instructing her how the Happy Meal toy works.
But this day was different; she got a Kidz Bop CD and asked to play it in the car.

That was one long drive home…

Why has no one given me a proper warning me about this? The CD label should at least have a warning label on it that says, “WARNING: KIDZ SINGING ON THIS CD HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO MUSICAL TALENT WHATSOEVER.”

I stopped the CD at the Kidz version of “Funkytown”, which by the way is an alteration Lipps, Inc probably never intended, and told my daughter that the CD broke.

“It’s like a sticker, you can only use it once” and then changed the subject.

Later, I threw it in the recycling bin hoping they could melt in into something useful like Wii’s, iPhones, flying cars, or better yet Happy Meal Lego toys. Until then, I have a 3-year-old that won’t stop asking when I’m taking her to Funkytown.

Has anybody else encountered bad kids music? Have you discovered "good" kids music? Or does that even exist...?

“What I Want To Be When I Grow Up”

No, this isn’t my list. I already know what I want to be when I grow up: Mr. T. Or a king/dictator/emperor of a small island in the pacific with a KFC franchise.

The weekend was fun as it was just my daughter and I while the wife was busy at some workshop for her MBA program. We spent most of the time drawing, painting, swimming, playing video games, and watching movies – we FINALLY saw that Monster’s Vs Aliens movie in 3D. I was disappointed as it was totally overrated. When the credits rolled my daughter turned to me and said in a serious voice “the monster movie wasn’t that good.”
Happy to know she has good taste. Well, not that good since she still likes that ‘Kidz Bops’ music.

Anyhow, I can’t even begin to explain how much I love spending time with just her. It’s not to say that I don’t enjoy spending time with both my wife and daughter – I do. It’s just my wife doesn’t jump up and down, yell in excitement and start clapping when I say things like “let’s play video games!” or “let’s go get some popcorn chicken…and play video games!”

Generally I’ll get an unfavorable stare.

Some of the conversations with my daughter can get pretty interesting because usually she’ll have an answer and opinion for just about everything from her 3-year old point of view. Celebrities (Oso, Elmo, and Hannah Montana all wear too much makeup), politics (Princesses just need to keep dancing on the Earth), the housing crisis (make them all pink) and yesterday she spent most of the day telling me what she wants to be when she grows up. Here are a few:

Truck (Pink, but can sometimes be Purple)
Butterfly
Order taking lady at Wendy’s
Princess Ariel
Duck (Pink one)
A mountain with clouds
A nice bumblebee with a pink truck
Souplantation
Fairy with a sparkly elevator
Kitty cat haircutter and doctor
Ballerina that can fly with a wand
Unicorn with a pink truck
Guacamole

In my view, she can be anything she wants to be. Except maybe guacamole.

Back From Paris and Oprah Buys Me KFC

It’s strange how much the world can change in just a few weeks since we’ve been gone. And huge things too like the worldwide swine flu epidemic and Oprah’s KFC scandal.

Our last week in Paris was fantastic. The weather was in the 60’s mostly sunny with no rain, and days were spent walking, visiting parks picnicking while my daughter enjoyed huge playgrounds (most with entrance fee’s - even for the swings!), carousels, sailboats in large fountains, and sometimes uncomfortably violent preschool puppet shows.
The French puppet shows always involved a popular character named Guignol chasing somebody with an axe or beating anybody over the head with a broom. When he starts at it the kids, and a few adults, would all stand up and start yelling (in French) things like, “Go Guignol!”, “Beat him! Beat him!”, “Make him firewood!!”
It totally brought back memories of my birthday party piñata experience (link here.)

The other great part of the trip was my daughter making friends with kids on the playgrounds (both English and non-English speakers) and the wife and I making small chat with the parents. They had some thoughts on the Guignol shows too -- predominantly that the shows have been toned down.

I guess he use to set others on fire...? That would definitely explain the “Make him firewood!” screams.

For those interested I’ll be posting on my review blog “Traveling to Paris with Young Kids” recommendations sometime next week.

Oprah Fried Kentucky

What was KFC thinking?

Of course billions of people are going to run in trying to redeem their free coupon.

I don’t know who came up with that promotion idea, but they should be fired and their portion of Kentucky Grilled Chicken should be sent to me.

What perfect timing for Father's Day ...

Bonjour from Paris!

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted, but we’ve been busy these last 11 days.

The weather has been near perfect most of our trip, the place is MUCH cleaner and friendlier that I remember, the food is absolutely amazing, bringing the nanny along with the BEST idea ever, and the wine – oh the wine -- I’m now completely addicted to 2005 Bordeaux’s.

Oh and I’ve mastered the entire French language: I speak English in a heavy French accent while occasionally throwing in a French word or two – when English speakers ask me for directions.

Anyhow, here’s a small sampling of what we’ve been up to:

Jardin du Luxembourg (guess what happens when you walk on the grass? They shoot you)

Chateau de Versailles (It's HUGE. No wonder why they hung him. Note to self when I become king - don't flaunt the money, hide it in a big hole instead)

Sacré Coeur de Montmartre (used my heavy French accent many times here)

Notre Dame (no Football team here or Irish people boxing)Picnic on Seine/Bike ride in Giverny (wine, cheese, and... chips)
Claude Monet's garden at Giverny (he actually planted the place himself... and dug the pond with an old spoon)

Musée d'Orsay (This was once an old train station...and roller skating disco for 3 months in 1979)

Musée de l'Orangeries (Monet's waterlillies on the wall and no they don't sell Oranges)

Musée des Egouts (aka "sewer tour" – our nanny and my daughter wanted to go. It stunk really, really, really bad down there. I still threaten to send my daughter down there when she isn't behaving)

Moulin Rouge (Magicians, jugglers, live snakes & ponies, and topless women)"The" Louvre (how do you keep a 3-year old entertained for 5 hours in the largest museum in the world...?)

Disneyland Paris (...you bribe her with a trip here. I'm convinced that's why they built it)

France Miniature (see all of France in 3 hours... built out of Lego's and cheese)

More to come later... à plus tard!

How to Survive Long Trips With a Preschooler Without Going Crazy

What does your kid do at 6AM? Mine has been walking into my room and yelling “ARE WE GOING TO PARIS TODAY!?”

And then when I say not today, she lets out a big sigh and then asks when is the Easter Bunny coming back because she’s out of candy.

Her excitement is contagious, but I worry about one thing: the 12-hour plane ride.

(Why did they have to build that Paris so far away…)

Our previous long airplane ride of 13 hours when my daughter was nearly 2 didn’t go well at all. We made the unintelligent decision of giving her Benadryl on that flight which had exactly the opposite effect we wanted. It made her irritable, extremely cranky, and borderline hyper for about 4 hours.
When we later told our pediatrician about the strange outcome of the miracle drug, we found out that giving a child Benadryl to make them sleep is a myth completely made up by people that don’t have kids but love giving out parenting advice because they watch a lot of TV and have cats.

Well, not really. I made the cat’s thing up. But wouldn’t be surprised if they did own them.

Some tips I’ve gathered so far on flying with kids:

1. If they understand what money is, bribing works.
2. Take new toys that they haven’t seen before. But make sure the toys don’t talk or make noise – especially if they have Dora or her live-in boyfriend San Diego.
3. Bring a portable DVD player, or even better an iPhone with lots of movies and preschool apps.
4. Take a redeye flight. But don’t tell them that it’s a redeye flight because they might think zombies are on the plane.
5. Bring plenty of snacks, and use Souplantation packaging whenever possible.
6. Create an Art kit – tape, crayons, stickers and activity books – all with Princesses feeding unicorns near a Christmas tree on them.
7. Convince why cats are evil and why people should never own one. 12-hours should be more than enough time to have some affect.
8. Talk about how great it is that there’s a KFC in Paris and that’s only a few blocks away from where we’re staying! (I swear I didn’t plan that- it just magically happened that way.)
9. Introduce “Where’s Waldo” books on the plane. Make up other stuff to find that isn’t there.
10. Bring a Nintendo DSi – not for her, but to keep me occupied.

So tell me -- what tricks do you do when taking your kids on long trips?

How to Celebrate a 10-Year Wedding Anniversary Without a Coupon

It’s hard to believe that it was 10 years ago today that the wife and I were married on a perfect spring day, among friends and family, on the cliffs of Palos Verdes overlooking the Pacific Ocean.

I still remember just about every detail of that day right down to the feeling of seeing my wife-to-be walking down the aisle, to the decadent taste of the crushed chocolate peanut butter cup cake.
It all still seems like it was only yesterday, or maybe just a few years ago.

And how do you think we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary day? Maybe a candlelit dinner comes to mind? Or perhaps a Depeche Mode concert with a special intermission shout-out by Martin Gore yelling out “Happy Anniversary to ma’ mates!” pointing to us in the front row. Or maybe just a simple private jet ride to Catalina Island for an intimate dinner and a private movie screening of “Rambo” on the beach and then later parachuting back home softly tapping wine glasses while we float back down to earth landing on a freshly manicured lawn, near a bucket of KFC chicken.

If you guessed any of those you’d be wrong.

I had a tough day at work, as it was my boss’s last day with the company. My daughter picked up the pace of asking for an (evil) cat. My wife was sick and has 3 papers due next week (closer to that MBA.) So what do we do? We went to Souplantation -- my daughter’s favorite restaurant in the entire universe.
When I told the cashier it was our 10-year wedding anniversary she gave me a 15% discount. She said the AAA discount doesn’t work anymore, but she can still give it to friends and family (thank you Geneveva.)
On the upside, in addition to the discount, things weren’t all that bad. Souplantation wasn’t nearly as crazy as it usually is on a Friday night - no screaming babies, no kids running too fast through the buffet area, and no clam chowder with all of the clams fished out. And it’s ‘lemon month’ so the summer lemon salad and lemon cream pasta were both nothing to complain about.
In fact, if you replace Geneveva with Martin Gore, you can almost say it was like Martin gave me a 15% discount!

Or maybe not…

Oh well, it's my birthday Monday and I’m planning on paying a visit to KFC (my once every 6 weeks indulgence!) Oh yeah, and this will be our apartment’s view 2 weeks from today...

ce poulet est merveilleux!

Help! I Need Excuses – Fast

My daughter has asked for something that I’ve detested nearly my entire life. Something that I’ve always loathed because, in my view, it serves absolutely no purpose in this world but to aggravate, annoy, and destroy good tax-paying citizens like myself.
No it’s not Kevin Costner, the Beatles, or Mosquito’s - it’s a cat.

She wants one really bad. She’s been drawing pictures of herself and this non-existent kitty cat (called “princess pinkalicious”) frequently. In addition to the begging and pleading that she’ll feed it, tuck it into bed every night, clean up after it, and play with it every 5 minutes she’s offered to pay for it with her allowance/birthday/Christmas and 529 (now referred as ‘gambling fund’) money.
I woke up this morning to a huge smiling face staring at me saying, “I love you daddy!! Can I have a kitty cat PLEASE?!”
When I said ‘no’, she marched out upset and mumbled something about ‘Robbie at school will buy one for her’ (note to self: have a man-to-man with 4-year old Robbie tomorrow. Don’t shave or brush teeth.)

There’s no doubt in my mind that the wife is in on this too as she’s not doing or saying anything to prevent this behavior. She grew up with cats. Her mom had about 678 cats. Well not really, but some number really close to that.

My dislike for cats started back in 1979 when my babysitters’ cat tried to kill me. You heard me right - that chubby ugly cat walked right up to me, when Barbara was occupied on the phone, and told me “I will kill you when you least expect it.” Well, not those exact words, but it inferred it with those freaky looking spooky cat eyes. I never went back to that house again.

My dislike for them continued in 1996 when my roommate’s cat use to sit in front of the TV, when my roommate was gone, and say things like “I will kill you when you least expect it – Mr. Cuddles would have wanted that.” This time he did say it with a Russian accent. I would sleep with the door locked, only to hear him slowly scratching at it late at night like Freddy Krueger. That’s when I learned how to sleep with one eye open.

To this day I can walk into any pet shop and playful kittens will stop frolicking and in an instant stare at me as if saying, “I’ll cut you up, foo!”

Pure wicked evil sent from hell; that’s what those kittens/cats/demons are.


Excuses telling a child why they can’t have a pet (or in this case cat.)

1. Cats are reincarnated criminals and whole life insurance salesmen.
2. Cats have killed more people than all wars combined, plus a 100 million more.
3. If a cat bites you, you’ll turn into an ugly vampire and you’ll never be a princess.
4. Cats are friends with monsters and invite them over for drinks often.
5. Once a cat tastes human blood, it will keep feeding.
6. You can’t have a cat until you’re at least 65.
7. Big Bird use to have a little brother, but cats ate him.
8. Cats eat Fairies.
9. Cats are prone to alcoholism.
10. If you get a cat, you can’t have a unicorn.

Teaching Good Habits - with Coloring Pages

I’m convinced there’s no difference between Preschools, 3rd world countries, and Chinese restaurants in the San Fernando Valley.
In the last 3 weeks we’ve been through 3 lice epidemics, a chicken pox plague, and then to top it all off -- a kid with “hand, foot, and mouth” disease.

We’ve always heard stories from other parents through the years about this stuff, but never imagined it would happen to us. Essentially because the place she’s at is no ordinary preschool; it’s one of those fancy ones that took us nearly 4 years to get her in there (she's 3.) The teacher ratio is 1:7, they all have Ph.D's and BVD's, write books for Oprah, yoga 12 times a day to work, don't eat anything that casts a shadow, and speak something like 38 languages – fluently.
Everybody knows diseases are afraid of the over-educated and Oprah. Apparently not anymore.

What drives me crazy is that all of this is totally preventable if every kid just did 1 simple thing – washed his or her hands especially after using the bathroom. And practicing other good hygiene habits too like taking baths and listening to the adults when they tell them not to pick their nose/butt, throw sand in their hair, share lollipops, gum, things on the floor, chewed food, etc.

The problem is that preschoolers are just plain disgusting in packs and something needs to be done.
That’s where I come in.

I solve problems.

That’s my job.

Because that’s how I roll.

It’s obvious from my potty training color pages (the most popular post on my blog - still) that kids learn best when they color and are fearful.
I present to you... my latest creations: (Click each to download)

"Every time you pick your nose, a Fairy dies. Don't kill any more Fairies!" -coloring page

"Don't give mommy and daddy a reason to sell you to a factory in China. Be a good listener." -coloring page

"Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease hurts! Wash your hands after using the potty." -coloring page

"Aliens eat smelly kids. Take a bath." -coloring page

I’m Going to Live!

It was pretty surreal when my doctor told me with urgency “go to the nearest ER right away or call an ambulance” when referring to the results of some tests during a checkup.

A checkup that I would have completely avoided if it had not been for my wife pushing me to go because of some odd pains I was having for some time that were getting much to evident to ignore.

Then came the inevitable thought – am I going to die?

My wife, daughter, family, friends; all of the things I’ve wanted to accomplish in life or visit all came into mind. That feeling of total loss knowing that the circumstances were completely out of my control just overwhelmed me.
Later my wife and I had a serious conversation about all the “what if’s.” That by far had to be the most difficult and emotional conversation I’ve (we’ve) ever had.
What surpassed it was seeing my daughter shortly thereafter; all chipper, smiling, without a slightest clue of what in the world was going on. The first thing she said, with enthusiasm, was something like “a squirrel ran into my classroom and the police came… and took him to jail!”


Life is weird.
I never thought that I would be seeing a cardiologist, hooked up to an EKG machine and all sorts of strange equipment, having ultrasounds done of my heart -- all in my 30’s, and just a few weeks before my birthday (the irony!)
But then again, I never thought that I would have such a great wife, an amazing little girl, and a life filled with good friends and family that I can’t really complain about. That’s what made the circumstances even more difficult.
The feeling that all of it may really be gone in a limited amount of time is truly unexplainable.

I really thought stuff like this only happened to people who didn’t do all of the things I did - workout 4 days a week (nearly 8 years now like clockwork), watched their weight, didn’t smoke, drink (well only a few times a month), and ate pretty healthy (OK, except maybe the occasional trip to the Colonel’s house of pure fried chicken delight – my only one true vice!)
But none of that is a guarantee, especially when heart disease runs rampant in all the men on my Dad’s side of the family.

When all was said and done, I emerged. A bit traumatized, a different stance, and a fresh appreciation for the people around me. This time adding some new lifestyle changes that are going to be even more restrictive – the biggest being eating red meat only twice a week and fried food –- you know all the stuff that tastes good like fries, bacon, chicken to once every 6 weeks.

Let me repeat that again: I can only eat KFC “once” every “six” weeks (the irony!!!)

But how?! Just looking at the picture makes me want is even more…
Now my wife’s favorite line - “If you want to live... stay away from the bucket”