When you give a 5-year old an iPhone…

She’ll ask for some games just like the ones on the phones of her friends’ parent’s.

She’ll play a game called “Smurfs' Village” and “accidently” buy $10 worth of Smurberries because her father just downloaded the game for her 10 minutes earlier.

After awhile she’ll ask for more Smurfberries so Smurfette can have a house to live in.

He’ll say “no” approximately fifty times and ask what happened to the other Smurfberries.

She’ll stop asking because she’s discovered Angry Birds. Then she’ll ask him to buy the Mighty Eagle that some kid told her about.

Her father will say “no” approximately fifty more times.

Then she’ll discover the phone’s camera and take about 2,000 pictures in roughly 30 minutes with a Polaroid app called “Shake-it Photo” primarily because she has to shake the pictures to see them.

Her father finds them entertaining, chooses a few to post, and attach titles to them.

“The Day the World was Photographed after I bought $10 Worth of Smurfberries”

"Victims of the housing crisis"

"Excessive Neighbor Girl"

"School Reform Bear"

"Stinky Blanket"

"Angry Elephant waiting for iPad 2"

Then the 5-year old went to bed, but before she lays her hear down she'll ask her father to harvest her Smurfs' village potatoes while she's asleep.

Valentine’s Day Coupons and a Coloring Page You Won’t Find Anywhere Else

It seems to me that Valentine’s gifts are getting stranger every passing year.

I just read today that Demi Moore and that kid I think she’s married to are currently offering some $700 and up gold handcuff necklaces this holiday.
And if that’s not weird enough for you, this place will wrap your car with a chocolate bar wrapper.

Not romantic enough? How about a teddy bear that smells like Halle Berry?

I’m not at all surprised at these new gift ideas because according to this the average shopper will spend upwards of $116.21 on Valentine’s stuff this year.

Wow, you can sure buy a whole lot of Justin Bieber Valentine’s song remixes with that kind of money.

But I’m not buying it and you shouldn’t be too, because that’s not the way the Mayans or Greeks celebrated Valentine’s Day hundreds of millions years ago. I’d like to lend a helping hand on ways to be creative, thoughtful, romantic, and save money... just like a $99 Groupon for a Brazilian Blowout (whatever in the world that is.)
So I’m offering these useful coupons that will make this Valentine’s Day special for you and your significant other.

FREE Valentine’s Day Coupon’s

(click to print)

• A Romantic Candle-Lit Dinner for Two at Wendy’s or Similar Fine French Dining Establishment
• Breakfast in Bed Catered by Lucky the Charmer
• Any Movie that Doesn’t Star Kevin Costner
• A Day With No Complaining
• A Sensual Back Massage on My Yacht in Fiji

And if those don’t work for you because you were a jerk or you gambled away the rent money last month, you can pull out the big guns with this “Lionel Richie and a bouquet of flowers” card.

(click to print)

Hello. Is it me you’re looking for?
Happy Valentine's Day

Maybe make it a family activity by having the kids color it in to make it even more special.
Just be sure they have plenty of gold crayons around for Lionel’s necklace.

The Unthinkable is Happening…

I’m coming to the realization that I’m slowly turning into my Dad.

At Kohl’s with my wife, I was browsing around and actually considered buying a pair of Dockers pants because they looked comfortable and very practical (wrinkle-free!! When did that brilliance happen??) When we eat at a restaurant and my daughter, or any other family member, barely touches their food - I end up eating the rest. And don’t even ask me to tell a joke in a crowd.
It’s like an alien is taking over my body and I don’t know who I am half the time. The next thing you know I’ll be wearing sandals with socks while mowing the lawn, have a beer fridge in the garage, and running into walls.

It was even more apparent this past weekend as I was nagging my daughter about every weird thing she was doing trying to break her horrifying 5-year old bad hygiene habits.
In my defense, I’ve been extremely paranoid about her getting sick since most kids around us seem to have some sort of weird zombie-type virus: the 7-year old next-door sounds like a 50-year old chain smoking man when she usually sounds like a 40-year old chain smoking woman. A friend’s 16-month old got croup and now sounds like she’s a de-barked beagle. And nearly all of my daughter’s school friends look like they need to hook up some Sears wet-dry shop vacs to their noses because they’ve got a constant stream of snot running down their faces that ends dangerously close to their…(gasp) mouth.

Yes, MOUTH.

I sometimes think to myself, “Wow, kids are really gross. It’s a good thing I was never like that. Ever.”

I’m determined to keep my house free of infections this winter, so I made a list on things my daughter should not be doing and hung it on the refrigerator.
Because everybody knows if it’s hanging on the fridge, it must be really important.

RULES FOR 5-YEAR OLDS AND THEIR FRIENDS.

1. Don’t pick your nose.
2. Don’t pick your butt.
3. Don’t put your fingers in your mouth.
4. Don’t put whatever that is you picked up in your nose OR your mouth.
5. Don’t put your mouth on the handrail.
6. Don’t walk out of the bathroom without washing your hands.
7. Don’t wipe anything on Daddy’s stylish Wrinkle-Free® Dockers.

(Click to print)

Hoping 2011 is Better Than 2010

2010 ended on a gloomy note.

Just before Thanksgiving a close friend was diagnosed with leukemia, which seemed completely unbelievable at the time but led to a wave of worry for my wife and I, as we know her husband and kids really well. Thankfully her ongoing treatments are proving successful and she is now, thankfully, in remission.

Shortly after that initial news incredibly devastating news followed. Another longtime friend unexpectedly passed away.
Something strange happened to me that has never happened before in that experience: for the first time ever, when I saw his wife, I was utterly and completely speechless. At the moment, it hit me how that could of easily been me, departed, and how would I in the same situation console my wife if that were her grieving for me? He was in fact close in age to me; lived an extremely active lifestyle (possibly more so than I) and had similar hobbies, no signs of being ill or dire vices. It completely frightened me.

Trouble sleeping soon followed worrying about all sorts of things including my life insurance now that we have two kids. Writing down all of our accounts and pertinent information for my wife. Bringing up conversations with my wife wondering if she even knew what kind of arrangements I’d like to have. What if my wife and I both passed, who would be the guardian of our kids? We still haven’t fully agreed on that.
All of those serious questions came into mind because for the first time ever it feels like something can really happen.

As we now move in to 2011 I look ahead with a bit of anxiety wondering what’s in store this year. I still am hopeful it’ll be nothing but pleasant times, but at the same time scared of which ailments will hit to who and what, and which (gasp) funerals, if any, we will be attending next.
For me it’s odd to be so dire, but with recent events I find myself upset by such things now.

I’ve never done any resolutions in years past, because I’ve personally found them to be a little peculiar, but if I did have any it would be that I’m more cognizant of appreciating every little thing in life and making every effort to spend as much time as I could with my wife, kids, family, and maybe some friends that I haven’t seen in way too long.

Perhaps another resolution would be NOT caving in and creating a Facebook account this year. I can’t imagine dying and all I have for showing my appreciation and gratitude for friendship is “friending” them on Facebook. Just the thought drives me nuts.

No Christmas for Chippy (The Squirrel) Because He’s Dead

Santa doesn’t need to buy him a gift this year.

Ever since my daughter was around 2-years old we’ve both called every squirrel Chippy. It doesn’t matter where we are, it could be 1 mile or even 1,000 miles away from home they’re all Chippy.
Chippy’s been one lucky little adrenaline hound over the years pulling stunts like jumping long distances from tree to tree, teasing cats and dogs, running on electricity lines, or sprinting into streets without looking both ways first. When riding in the car if my daughter were to see a squirrel running into traffic would she would always yell out “Watch out Chippy!” and then look back to see if he was all right. There’s been a whole lot of close calls but Chippy always seemed to get away just fine.

Today Chippy wasn’t so lucky.

While driving my daughter to school this morning Chippy decided to run down a tree in front of a large SUV, and just as my daughter yelled “Be careful…!” Chippy was moving in slow motion through the air, towards the front grill of my car.

Later, while hosing off the car in the driveway I had strange flashbacks of "the bunny incident" from 5 years ago. Difference is, that time my daughter was a baby and wasn't yelling ,“DIAL 911! DIAL 911!!” from the back seat and I wasn't explaining to her why squirrels don't have health insurance.


A Season of Giveaways!!

Continuing with the theme giveaways, this week’s is DISNEY TANGLED: The Video Game for Nintendo Wii (TM) from Disney Interactive Studios.


It’s a very fun action, puzzle, and collection game where you can play as either Rapunzel or Flynn Rider and from my own experience is appropriate for kids 5 and up. Once my daughter figured out the controls she was pretty much playing on her own most of the time.
Comment below with your email address or email me at the address above (U.S. residents only for this one) before 9PM Pacific December 13th – A winner will be chosen randomly. Good luck!

Thanksgiving Sure Isn’t What It Used To Be...AND a Giveaway!

Things began in good spirits when the wife and I eagerly attended our daughter’s 1st ever kindergarten school play a few days ago. We’ve been hearing about the event for weeks in bits and pieces but never in its entirety.
The theme was supposed to be all around Thanksgiving, at least that's what I thought…

It was a very artsy new-age performance of “autumn” and my daughter played a brown leaf; and for about 15-minutes she did a whole lot of interruptive dance with her class while they all recited strange lines such as "are you ready?", “flow with me”, “let’s fly birds, FLY”, and “hear the leaves crunch.” The finale couldn’t have come soon enough when all of the kids began moving in slow motion, in unison, while a woman played an Enya-eque inspired tune on a mini Casio keyboard just off stage. The kids then burst loudly into song of “Shoo Fly, Don’t bother me” and then fell on the floor just before the lights went out.

I started having flashbacks of my Art School college years.

Suddenly all of the parents stood up and applauded, some in tears. Some women in the front began hugging each other. I got up slowly clapping looking at the wife wondering if she saw the same performance as me.

What a far cry from my own elementary school days where all we did was dress up as pilgrims and indians for the day, made turkey hand’s, and maybe created some candles from egg cartons… just like the real pilgrims did.

I started wondering if this private school she’s going to was a bit too crazy. Does this school purposely shy away from anything remotely traditional? What do they have against Turkeys and Pilgrims? What if they’re trying to make her a vegetarian?
No kid of mine will ever be a vegetarian!!!

But then she came home with this today:
A sweet Thankful Turkey craft with feathers of all of the things she’s thankful for. It says things like “Family”, “Brother”, “Mommy Daddy”, and there’s a green one at the back of the post-it speech bubble that says:

“KFC”

A Season of Giveaways!!
For some time now I’ve been getting a whole lot of requests to do giveaways. Usually I shy away from them but thought why not try it out, introduce some interesting things, and give some ideas for Christmas gifts. Be on the look out for these the next few weeks...

This week’s giveaway is THE ROBOT BOOK from Accord Publishing. A cute and clever board book that actually has moving gears, cogs, nuts, and bolts and is appropriate for maybe ages 2 and up. Comment below with your email address or directly to me at the address above (U.S. residents only for this one) before 6PM Pacific November 26th – I’ll randomly choose 2 winners. Good luck!

Houses With “Out of Control” Halloween Decorations

There was a time not long ago when all you really needed to celebrate a traditional centuries-old Halloween, like the way many past European Kings and Asian Emperors did, was to simply leave a decent pumpkin on the porch while playing classic holiday music like Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” or Lionel Richie’s “Penny Lover.”

Those were the days when Halloween meant something. Things like “Peace on Earth” and “Girl, a love like yours is hard to resist.”

Not anymore.

Our neighborhood went downhill this year. The neighbor to the right of me spent 3 weeks building a graveyard and volcano in his yard and used his kids as non-union talent to scream at passing ‘trick or treaters.’ The poor kids didn’t even get to spend much time begging for candy themselves.
Not to be outdone, the other neighbor made a graveyard too but his with a whole series of pullies and levers, operated by his kids, moving all sort of things around with a theater grade smoke machine nearby and all sorts of theatrical lighting. Those kids didn’t get to go begging either.
The block down from us hung a large glowing spider web over their cul-de-sac and used several garage door openers, operated by their kids, as a motor system to make 3, 5-foot spiders (with glowing eyes) move up and down. Word around the neighborhood was that those kids didn’t go begging either.

The sad reality is, it’s the kids that suffer with this kind of nonsense.

I for one am not going to be partaking in any of it. My kids will be doing what kids have been doing for thousands of years since the inception of Halloween by the Great Pumpkin long ago: begging for candy so their parents can eat it. Period.

The Kids Grow Up...Way Too Fast

I’m not sure exactly when it happened…

Maybe it was on the way home from my daughter’s ballet class last week after the teacher praised her advancement within the last few months, or maybe it was that one discussion we had at dinner about she being ready for a sleepover at one of her best friends’ house. Or maybe it happened when I was watching her in awe as she proudly performed in the school talent show last weekend in front of the entire school. Or maybe it was simply when I was backing up my entire iPhoto library scanning my daughter’s last 5 years - seeing every smile and funny face - that I finally realized that my little girl is no longer that little baby, or that attached toddler, or even that somewhat autonomous preschooler anymore.

She’s growing up way too fast and it’s downright depressing.

What made it more evident was seeing a documentary this past week called, “The Kids Grow Up” (more here) about a Dad documenting his daughters' life from the toddler years to just before college. In the film the Dad does a series of interviews with his daughter at various milestones usually at some very insightful moment. It felt strangely familiar and almost uncomfortable watching her life breeze by in a mere 90 minutes. It almost felt too close to reality and that was a bit disheartening.

Then my daughter runs up to me today out of breathe and says that she and her 5-month old baby brother were playing “hide and seek.” He was counting to 100 and was going to use his dragon to find her.

It’s those odd moments which make me look forward to what’s in store these coming years.

Annual Halloween Pumpkin Carving Ideas and Stencils!

My obsession with pumpkin carving started a few years ago when I created a masterpiece of a pumpkin featuring the one and only great American inventor of delicious fried chicken, Colonel Sanders. Every year I’ve tried to outdo myself but have never really come close.

Well, OK, maybe the Lionel Richie pumpkin last year came pretty close.

Below are the stencils I’ve created this year for all to enjoy. One is a request by my 5-year old daughter - can you guess which one?


(Click to download)

UFO in China (Run workers, run!)

Guitar Player Smashing a Guitar (In case you were wondering, he’s about to smash that pumpkin with his guitar.)

Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter (I read the very entertaining historical book over the summer and found it fitting for Halloween.)


Unicorn Pegasus (Add a double-rainbow for a truly magical experience.)

Prior years stencils can be found here and here.

These stencils are free to use, but please don’t redistribute. Also for those looking for a good carving kit, I completely recommend using a Pumpkin Masters set. Go pick one up from one of those dollar stores.

Happy Carving!

Who is This Kid That Calls Me Father?