The Elvis Impersonator at My Son’s 1st Birthday Party

About 5 year’s ago, I wondered if my crazy vision of the ultimate 1st birthday party went a little too far when I hired an Elvis impersonator for my daughter’s 1st birthday party.
When I initially mentioned it to my wife she thought I went completely crazy – something I found ironic since she’s a huge Lionel Richie fan.

Nevertheless to my, and her, amazement Elvis was a huge success. Not only did the parents have fun, but the kids found him extremely entertaining too. They danced around, sang, and were all doing those weird Kung-Fu poses along with him.

It was pretty spectacular.

When the show was over and the guests were leaving, I distinctly remember telling myself, smiling proudly with my arms crossed, “Tony, you done good. Real good. Elvis is MUCH better than a clown, magician, or Bruce Lee impersonator any day.”

Fast forward to about a month ago when my wife asked me if I was going to call the same Elvis impersonator for our son’s 1st birthday party. I wondered – is this now a family tradition that every child from this time forward, generations ahead, should have Elvis at their 1st birthday?

I should hope so.

Last weekend Elvis came, Kunged-Fu’d, and raised the hypothetical roof once again. It was all even more spectacular the second time around.
Then when the show was over and all the guests were leaving, I smiled proudly with my arms crossed and began to tell myself one more time, “Tony, you done good…” the wife interrupted with, “do you think they have Lionel Richie impersonators?”

I hope not. Because that’s COMPLETELY crazy!

"Don't worry little buddy, Daddy will make sure this is a Lionel Richie free zone..."

Minimum Age to Have a Baby?

My daughter has been asking all kinds of curious questions lately.

I’m not exactly sure what’s sparked the interest these past few weeks - maybe kids just get extra inquisitive towards the end of the school year. I keep wondering if, while they play around in the sand discuss things like, “What do you think Microsoft is going to do with Skype after the acquisition?” Or “What about those Medicare costs?” or maybe even, “Why doesn’t your Dad like the Beatles or Kevin Costner?”

All easily answerable, but yesterday she threw me through me off a bit:

Daughter: “Daddy, when can I have a baby?”

I stopped for a second, literally put my index finger to my chin, and looked up as if the answer where written somewhere on the ceiling.
My immediate thought was definitely not like most of my cousins on my biological mother’s side of the family – but we see them on occasion and that would be really awkward if she happened to say anything about that conversation.
While waiting she followed up with something more specific:

Daughter: “Like, how old do I have to be?"

Me: “At least 30. And you have to have graduated from college, have a good job, and be married to somebody I say is OK to marry. All in that order. Now let’s go get some ice cream!”

Then while eating Popsicles she asked why Daisy Dukes with bikinis on top melted Popsicles.

I told her it was Mommy’s turn to answer a question.

Babyproofing the Baby

It wasn’t until this past Easter weekend when my 11-month old son started getting into the trash, pulling over chairs, and pretty much anything else that’s about 24 inches from the floor that I realized I’ve gotten pretty laid-back about “babyproofing” the house.

My wife and I are nowhere as scared with the second kid as we were with the first. With our daughter we pretty much babyproofed 99.9% of the house with about every gadget or contraption possible that placed panic or fear on us. It’s hard to believe that at one time, it was possible to run through our house, with shiny scissors, drunk, on fire, and not get hurt.

Yes, those were the days where we would take some serious trips to the local “Baby’s R Us” and head straight for the new parent “fear-gear” aisle and pretty much fill the cart with gadgets, padding, industrial-grade airbags, and Houdini locks worried that if we didn’t cover every corner of the house…. the refrigerator might somehow get accidentally pulled over and kill the entire neighborhood.

How were we to know? The packages they came in or some article we read might of sited some study that proved “million’s of baby’s” were tragically killed from falling refrigerators on the Fourth of July.

It wasn’t until we gained experience with our first and couldn’t open anything ourselves for actual use or enjoyment, and looked like we ran a padded home for crazy people, that we realize how truly stupid those things were.

Now a bit wiser in the ways of parenthood, I realize now that there’s only really one true way to babyproof a house:

Use lots of duct tape.

A Magical Birthday and My iPad 2 with a few ‘Apps for Kids’ Disappears…

To be honest, I was not looking forward to my birthday this year. I mean this past year alone has been the absolute worst health-wise, ever!
A horrible case of chicken pox last summer that left me out of commission for nearly 5 weeks and destroyed my immune system. Multiple cardiologist visits and tests, and then a ‘bout with pneumonia a few weeks ago …it’s just all downright depressing.
Getting old is freaking me out so much now that I find myself always wondering, “What’s going to happen to me this year?” I’ve never been like that.

Some observant friends caught on to this suspicious behavior of mine and invited my wife and I to the Magic Castle in Hollywood to celebrate my birthday. It really was a great start on a road to recovery of some sort.
If you’ve never heard of this place, it’s basically a real-life Hogwarts, except this castle was founded in the 1960’s, not 9th century, with cheesy decorations, and magicians not wizards roaming around entertaining cocktail-attired guests. And maybe about 10 bars just about every 50 feet from each other.
I’m sure if Harry had gone to school there, he would have one serious drinking problem.

The other component of a recovery was getting an iPad 2, with one of those nifty magnetic magical covers on it for my birthday!
I never really understood the full use of this thing – is it taking over the place of my laptop or my iPhone? And I didn’t get one last year because I learned my lesson from buying a 1st generation iPhone in 2007, the 2nd version was 4 times cooler than the original.
I’ve now come to find out that the iPad basically took over all of the time I did read an actual book or maybe magazine before going to bed and even the little TV I did watch. I literally watch no traditional TV anymore (Hulu yes!)

The other 90% when the thing is on my daughter has it. She’s basically taken over the device - desktop, created folders, has her Pandora stations, Netflix streaming set up to watch Scooby Doo, Spongebob, and Strawberry Shortcake. She’s 5! Not even 6 quite yet.

Although, my wife did help her set up YouTube to old musical numbers, and of course, she’s been playing that crazy Smurf game. I swear Apple is marketing to the wrong demographic for this thing - it should really be kids.
The thing is MUCH better than getting a kid a laptop/computer, as in parental controls, and knowing what they’re playing with. And the games/apps I’ve found for it have been incredible. Loads of quality educational, creative, and learning stuff that’s pretty cheap in price.
We were considering getting her a Leapfrog Leapster or even a DS for her upcoming birthday, but that’s pretty much out the door now since those cartridges cost so much ($20-40) and a much better equivalent app in iTunes from $0 to $6.

Some iPad apps I’ve found, so far, to be great for kids (5-7-ish):

1. Math Bingo
2. TeachMe Kindergarten/1st Grade
3. StoryPatch
4. Drawing Pad
5. Learning to Draw is Fun
6. Read Me Stories
7. Toy Story Read Along
8. Angry Birds RIO
9. Fruit Ninja HD
10. Toontastic
11. Sock Puppets
12. Pocket Frogs
13. WordSearch Star Free
14. MathGirl Number Garden (iPhone app running on iPad)
15. Albert HD
16. Stack the States
17. Netflix
18. NASA App HD
19. Smurfs (my daughter insisted I put that on my list, just make sure you turn in-App purchases OFF. Settings/General/Restrictions, “Enable Restrictions”, In-App purchases “OFF.”)

Now that my daughter is finally asleep, I can finally play Words with Friends HD! By the way, if you play I’m “GjertsonB”…

When Everything Seems to be Falling Apart…

There’s just something odd about getting really sick just before a birthday…

I was out of commission for a while with severe pneumonia. If you’ve never had it, consider yourself lucky because it just downright “sucks.”
From the loads of medications they put me on, to the weird feeling of pins in my chest while breathing, to waking up at 3:00AM completely awake and seeing (and sometimes looking forward to watching) “Saved by the Bell: The College Year’s” for an entire week -- it was just all enough to outright freak me out.

The entire experience was all a bit ironic as one long time friend was just diagnosed with leukemia last November, but is thankfully on the mend, and another had pneumonia nearly a year ago and was even hospitalized for it.
I remember thinking on those occasions – “Wow! When did we get so old that stuff like this can just happen seemingly out of nowhere?” I’m not even 40 yet! What’s going to happen then? Hair loss and maybe my colon falls out when enjoying a KFC Sunday bucket?

God, I hope not. I just want to enjoy my chicken in peace.

Now I’m wondering when we’re all at the point when we’re comparing war stories with each other of how many meds we’re on, how many days we’ve been hospitalized in just the past 6 months, and who can shoot lasers out of their eyes with all of the robotic pieces inside of them.

Come to think of it, I really wouldn’t mind laser-shooting eyes. That would actually be kind of cool.

So tell me folks, what ails have you had and lived to tell about? But most importantly did Zack and Kelly ever get married?

MISSING: My Daughter’s 2 Imaginary Friends!

A funny thing happened when my son was born 9 months ago - my daughter’s 2 longtime colorful imaginary friends, “Sauna and Nana” just sort of disappeared.

I’m actually a little sad about this discovery because I really enjoyed hearing their stories of globetrotting the world in an instant. Their superhuman abilities to stay up late every night and never get tired or cranky. Their super advanced skin that never required bathing and could still remain cleaner than a sink. Their mysterious ability to eat candy for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but still have spotless teeth and a thriving immune system.

I was even fond of their parents, Chuck and Doris (I swear she made those up on her own) but sadly never had a chance to meet because they worked for all sorts of famous people like, the Wiggles, the Doodlebops, Lionel Richie, and as of last year Justin Bieber.

When I inquired as to their whereabouts at dinner tonight my daughter said with confidence that the last time she saw them they were going to get candy in Paris but never came home.

Maybe they got lost in Ohio?

So I put together this MISSING IMAGINARY FRIENDS poster hoping we could find them:

"Missing Imaginary Friends Poster" (click to print)

And since we’re looking for Sauna and Nana, my daughter was hoping to find her MISSING UNICORN she lost last year at IKEA as well:

"Missing Unicorn Poster" (click to print)

And since we’re open to helping friends, I hear Lionel could use some help too:

Are you looking for Lionel Richie?
"Hello, Is it me you're looking for?" (click to print)

When you give a 5-year old an iPhone…

She’ll ask for some games just like the ones on the phones of her friends’ parent’s.

She’ll play a game called “Smurfs' Village” and “accidently” buy $10 worth of Smurberries because her father just downloaded the game for her 10 minutes earlier.

After awhile she’ll ask for more Smurfberries so Smurfette can have a house to live in.

He’ll say “no” approximately fifty times and ask what happened to the other Smurfberries.

She’ll stop asking because she’s discovered Angry Birds. Then she’ll ask him to buy the Mighty Eagle that some kid told her about.

Her father will say “no” approximately fifty more times.

Then she’ll discover the phone’s camera and take about 2,000 pictures in roughly 30 minutes with a Polaroid app called “Shake-it Photo” primarily because she has to shake the pictures to see them.

Her father finds them entertaining, chooses a few to post, and attach titles to them.

“The Day the World was Photographed after I bought $10 Worth of Smurfberries”

"Victims of the housing crisis"

"Excessive Neighbor Girl"

"School Reform Bear"

"Stinky Blanket"

"Angry Elephant waiting for iPad 2"

Then the 5-year old went to bed, but before she lays her hear down she'll ask her father to harvest her Smurfs' village potatoes while she's asleep.

Valentine’s Day Coupons and a Coloring Page You Won’t Find Anywhere Else

It seems to me that Valentine’s gifts are getting stranger every passing year.

I just read today that Demi Moore and that kid I think she’s married to are currently offering some $700 and up gold handcuff necklaces this holiday.
And if that’s not weird enough for you, this place will wrap your car with a chocolate bar wrapper.

Not romantic enough? How about a teddy bear that smells like Halle Berry?

I’m not at all surprised at these new gift ideas because according to this the average shopper will spend upwards of $116.21 on Valentine’s stuff this year.

Wow, you can sure buy a whole lot of Justin Bieber Valentine’s song remixes with that kind of money.

But I’m not buying it and you shouldn’t be too, because that’s not the way the Mayans or Greeks celebrated Valentine’s Day hundreds of millions years ago. I’d like to lend a helping hand on ways to be creative, thoughtful, romantic, and save money... just like a $99 Groupon for a Brazilian Blowout (whatever in the world that is.)
So I’m offering these useful coupons that will make this Valentine’s Day special for you and your significant other.

FREE Valentine’s Day Coupon’s

(click to print)

• A Romantic Candle-Lit Dinner for Two at Wendy’s or Similar Fine French Dining Establishment
• Breakfast in Bed Catered by Lucky the Charmer
• Any Movie that Doesn’t Star Kevin Costner
• A Day With No Complaining
• A Sensual Back Massage on My Yacht in Fiji

And if those don’t work for you because you were a jerk or you gambled away the rent money last month, you can pull out the big guns with this “Lionel Richie and a bouquet of flowers” card.

(click to print)

Hello. Is it me you’re looking for?
Happy Valentine's Day

Maybe make it a family activity by having the kids color it in to make it even more special.
Just be sure they have plenty of gold crayons around for Lionel’s necklace.

The Unthinkable is Happening…

I’m coming to the realization that I’m slowly turning into my Dad.

At Kohl’s with my wife, I was browsing around and actually considered buying a pair of Dockers pants because they looked comfortable and very practical (wrinkle-free!! When did that brilliance happen??) When we eat at a restaurant and my daughter, or any other family member, barely touches their food - I end up eating the rest. And don’t even ask me to tell a joke in a crowd.
It’s like an alien is taking over my body and I don’t know who I am half the time. The next thing you know I’ll be wearing sandals with socks while mowing the lawn, have a beer fridge in the garage, and running into walls.

It was even more apparent this past weekend as I was nagging my daughter about every weird thing she was doing trying to break her horrifying 5-year old bad hygiene habits.
In my defense, I’ve been extremely paranoid about her getting sick since most kids around us seem to have some sort of weird zombie-type virus: the 7-year old next-door sounds like a 50-year old chain smoking man when she usually sounds like a 40-year old chain smoking woman. A friend’s 16-month old got croup and now sounds like she’s a de-barked beagle. And nearly all of my daughter’s school friends look like they need to hook up some Sears wet-dry shop vacs to their noses because they’ve got a constant stream of snot running down their faces that ends dangerously close to their…(gasp) mouth.

Yes, MOUTH.

I sometimes think to myself, “Wow, kids are really gross. It’s a good thing I was never like that. Ever.”

I’m determined to keep my house free of infections this winter, so I made a list on things my daughter should not be doing and hung it on the refrigerator.
Because everybody knows if it’s hanging on the fridge, it must be really important.

RULES FOR 5-YEAR OLDS AND THEIR FRIENDS.

1. Don’t pick your nose.
2. Don’t pick your butt.
3. Don’t put your fingers in your mouth.
4. Don’t put whatever that is you picked up in your nose OR your mouth.
5. Don’t put your mouth on the handrail.
6. Don’t walk out of the bathroom without washing your hands.
7. Don’t wipe anything on Daddy’s stylish Wrinkle-Free® Dockers.

(Click to print)

Hoping 2011 is Better Than 2010

2010 ended on a gloomy note.

Just before Thanksgiving a close friend was diagnosed with leukemia, which seemed completely unbelievable at the time but led to a wave of worry for my wife and I, as we know her husband and kids really well. Thankfully her ongoing treatments are proving successful and she is now, thankfully, in remission.

Shortly after that initial news incredibly devastating news followed. Another longtime friend unexpectedly passed away.
Something strange happened to me that has never happened before in that experience: for the first time ever, when I saw his wife, I was utterly and completely speechless. At the moment, it hit me how that could of easily been me, departed, and how would I in the same situation console my wife if that were her grieving for me? He was in fact close in age to me; lived an extremely active lifestyle (possibly more so than I) and had similar hobbies, no signs of being ill or dire vices. It completely frightened me.

Trouble sleeping soon followed worrying about all sorts of things including my life insurance now that we have two kids. Writing down all of our accounts and pertinent information for my wife. Bringing up conversations with my wife wondering if she even knew what kind of arrangements I’d like to have. What if my wife and I both passed, who would be the guardian of our kids? We still haven’t fully agreed on that.
All of those serious questions came into mind because for the first time ever it feels like something can really happen.

As we now move in to 2011 I look ahead with a bit of anxiety wondering what’s in store this year. I still am hopeful it’ll be nothing but pleasant times, but at the same time scared of which ailments will hit to who and what, and which (gasp) funerals, if any, we will be attending next.
For me it’s odd to be so dire, but with recent events I find myself upset by such things now.

I’ve never done any resolutions in years past, because I’ve personally found them to be a little peculiar, but if I did have any it would be that I’m more cognizant of appreciating every little thing in life and making every effort to spend as much time as I could with my wife, kids, family, and maybe some friends that I haven’t seen in way too long.

Perhaps another resolution would be NOT caving in and creating a Facebook account this year. I can’t imagine dying and all I have for showing my appreciation and gratitude for friendship is “friending” them on Facebook. Just the thought drives me nuts.